Feeling hurt, should I say something?

Mamma66,
I doubt if you would get anywhere by trying to talk to her. She is unreasonable. She would be unreasonable and upset you even more. Hold on to what your younger brother said. Be sure that he is not the only one who thinks this.

I am so sorry she cuts you out. I am sure she is jealous of you. There are quite a lot of people like this in the world and we will all probably come across them in one place or another. I expect she is horrible to your brother behind closed doors. The best you can do is to show him you are there for him and to ignore her as far as is humanly possible.

I am truly sorry she hurt you by cutting you out of the girls' outing. I don't know if one of the other members of the group could keep you informed about any future events so you can get round her attempts to not inform you.

Being inexplicably hurt and cruelly treated by somebody, often in the family, is a common distressing problem brought to the forum of Gransnet. It shows how many of these cruel people exist. We are almost all likely to bump into one of them in some sphere of our life at some time. Such people will not change and will not be reasonable. It might be that they had an unhappy childhood, as you said, but research suggests that more people from unhappy childhoods do not behave like them. they choose to be nasty and are responsible for their behaviour. They get a kick out of it, as simple as that. Trying to reason with them is therefore completely pointless and only leads to more pain for you. They will turn anything you say against you and probably tell lies too. Avoiding them and learning how to protect yourself from their nastiness and not let it hurt you is the best way forward.

They will have been noticed by others in their evil deeds. Many people, scared of falling foul of their bullying, will suck up to them and try to cover up for them. They will become part of their gang, as with the gang of bullies in the school playground. Ignore those people. Just remain serene and do not engage in any kind of ''discussion" with the the nasty person or with those who are supporting her.

Good luck. I expect she is keeping you away from your brother, whom she is cutting off from his family. Make sure you keep in touch with him. Perhaps you can see him at a time and place away from her, maybe in his lunch break? He will need you one day. Right now he may still be trying to understand her and be embarrassed to admit she is horrible. Don't bring up her nastiness with him but let him talk about her if he needs to.

Wishing you all the best, lots of love, Elle x.

My SiL is the same was really nasty, I agree with vampire queen and the next post leave her to it.

I don’t think I would want to be with my SIL if that’s the way you are treated.

Let it go, and enjoy the party.

If your summery of the situation is correct, and I don't say that to intimate you are lying. More that we have a tendency to read things in context of our own thoughts and motives.
As you said you were once very close friends, I would assume something has happened to make her 'dislike' you.
Not that you necessarily did anything at all.

IMV the problem is in her head, and trying to winkle it out will get you no where but more trouble.
You will have to accept this recent hurt, but as granbabies123 said perhaps you can meet up with your niece separately?
Even if it doesn't work out this time, perhaps you could try to start a new tradition of meeting up with nieces and nephews on you own in future.
That way you will avoid her and the n&n's will be able to get to know you better, with the chance of making up their own minds about you, should they hear gossip.

I've been in the same position quite a few times, and it feels dreadful doesn't it? To be deliberately 'engineered' out of a group'
Can you make stronger bonds with other members of the family?
It would be better to deal with those that want to keep in touch with you, rather than focus on this misery guts.

I'm with you JulieMM as I've had a similar situation. Once you realise jealousy is the problem things seem clearer. You can only control your own behaviour not other people's so the fault is theirs.

If she’s anything like my sister in law and (by association) my brother it’s probably a lost cause. Your experiences mirror mine over many years (especially the event with others which you weren’t invited to) and neither of them have spoken to me for 3 years and I don’t know why (by brother is dominated by his wife so no point I. asking him). This time I decided on an ‘oh well’ policy. As a widow my life is too short to worry about them so I concentrate on establishing a new life in a different part of the country with people who want to know me rather than those who one feels obligated to associate with as they are ‘family’. And it’s working ! Hope things resolve for you.

I too would ignore it.
You don’t say in your OP what they did on the day out, but maybe it was something they thought you wouldn’t like.
I have 2 SiL’s. We sometimes have a weekend away with husbands/partners.
My 2 SiLs go on holiday together without partners but have never invited me.
Am I bothered?
No.

Did you comment on the post on FB? If not, then you could comment nicely saying you were glad to see your niece had such a good time and how much you are looking forward to seeing her at the party this weekend. No sarcasm, no side! Yes, it hurts that you were not invited but the important thing here, going forward, is your relationship with your niece as there's probably not a lot you can do to rescue your relationship with your sil, even if you wanted to!

I like Granbabies' idea of inviting your niece out for a special afternoon tea too. You need to concentrate on shoring up and continuing to build your relationships with your nieces and nephews if your sil is actively not going to encourage them; your brother doesn't sound a strong enough character to intervene on your behalf.

Oh, and be careful about the being tactless too. We usually don't realise we've been tactless until someone points it out, but you are already aware of this trait in yourself so can do something about it.

Invite your niece out for lunch or an outing& have a lovely treat just the two of you. Forget the sister-in-law and her horrid behaviour towards you- karma will come back to bite her. Don’t let her nastiness affect your life. Stay in contact with your brother though so as she hasn’t driven your relationship apart. Don’t give her the satisfaction of humiliating you again by calling her out on her behaviour, ignore her.

I think that it's obvious that you would not have had a pleasant time so it's just as well that you were invited. I would just be lovely and pleasant to everyone. She's not going to change and I would avoid her as much as possible. At family occasions I would rise above any little digs. Without knowing more I would guess that she is jealous of you for some obscure reason. Can't choose your relatives, just have to manage them.

I see this has hurt you - and you cannot know what is in your SIL's mind. As others have said, it is important to know what is you and what is not you - we need to be first honest with ourselves. Then the important thing is to behave in a way you feel comfortable with and is 'the real you' - so don't retaliate with a mean response (and you are not suggesting that), but be calm and courteous. If she says something upsetting it is OK (if time and place are appropriate) to say calmly "when you said that .......I felt (hurt/attacked/blamed or whatever)......I'd like (you to explain what you really meant/you to tell me if I've upset you/is there an issue I could solve, or whatever)....what do you think? But in the end she is who she is and you are yourself - you don't need to carry her baggage. I hope you enjoy the party!

Great advice. I only recently joined gransnet but have found it so helpful. Who needs counselling when this is available!!

I agree with others who say you can’t alter her bad attitude but you can modify your own.

I also feel that your neice whose 21st birthday celebration it was, is old enough to choose who she wants to join her on such an occasion. And therefore she must accept the lions share of responsibility in not inviting you and leaving you out. Shame on her.

She’s ‘21’ for goodness sake........time she grew up and acted like a caring adult.

I fear her mother’s bad attitude has rubbed off on her. There was no other excuse!!!!

I agree with Rosina and others. This confronting idea rarely works and can just deepen problems. Is it hurtful and it's hard to stop the puzzle going round in your head. yu will just have to push that cloud away in a mindfulway.

Can you speak to your brother about it.mamma66.perhaps he can show some light on the situation. Otherwise ask her, put her on the spot.

My SIL is like that, she has taken away a once loving BIL, made worse after my separated husband died. She has alienated her own son and grandson, that they have no idea where they have moved to. We only know because we had an old email address. They have not been to either weddings or Christenings of 3 grandchildren. They are the ones missing out. I only hope I am informed if one dies so that we can represent my husband's family x

Nothing like Gransnet for umbrage-taking, is there?
I feel some posters have blown this up out of all proportion and are making OP feel even worse.
The OP has been invited to the main party, for goodness sake.
So her niece had a day out with her cousins and invited her mum and the cousins’ mums (as far as I can make out).
What is there to get so het up about?

But why look at things rationally, when you can take offence, feel hurt and make yourself miserable?

Who was in charge of the preparations and guest list for the party?

Why on earth do people use Face Book?
If you don’t use it you can’t get upset by what is on it.

Ignore.
You've got better things to do.
Others have probably noticed also.
She'll get her comeuppance. As long as you're there to enjoy it :-))

I would ask her what her problem is, might as well get it out in the open. If you are only included in selective events maybe refuse the next invite. I found out what my husbands daughters really thought of me after 30 years of entertaining them and lending them money including the ex wife. Now I know the truth I regret ever marrying him and wish he would leave but he won't as he wants half the house and half my pension despite the fact I have paid the mortgage and all the bills ever since we have been together. So it is better to find out sooner rather than later if this means you lose contact with your brother so be it as he obviously sides with his wife and not you.

Different groups have different dynamics and in laws are different to people that you have known from birth. I think that you are seeing something that isn't there. You have been invited to the party that everyone is going to but not to a gathering of immediate family.
Either post something light but friendly on the facebook post or ignore it an enjoy the party.

Thank you to all of you in taking the time to comment, it has really helped me to decide what to do.

I was hurt because I was the only aunt not to be invited, but the others are my SIL’s sisters.

I have lovely relationships with my nieces and nephews and have decided that I do not want wish to jeopardise this. If I were to try to resolve things with my SIL and it backfired I would not want this to impact on my relationship with them.

I have decided that behaving with good grace and rising above it will be my strategy. I will continue to make every effort to see my brother and nieces and nephews and remain courteous to my SIL. I don’t want there to be any division in the family. I don’t want to put any additional pressure on my older brother who has a lot on his plate at the moment.

Whilst I can be tactless, I have done a bit of soul searching and I genuinely don’t think this is down to me.

I shall go to the party on Saturday and hold my head up high.

Thank you once again for your replies.

I shall go to the party on Saturday and hold my head up high
That’s the way, mamma66
I hope you have a lovely time.

that's just what I was going to say JulieMM Mon 03-Feb-20 11:36:15
Could be jealousy.