Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

I confronted my MiI, advice please.

(99 Posts)
Ohdear11 Wed 05-Feb-20 22:44:23

Okay so I’ve been here before asking opinions if I was valid to feel hurt and upset about my mils unannounced visits.

Long story short. I had told her before my baby was born that mil was to call first and not drop in unannounced.
But not once did she do this! We live very close so she literally would let herself into my house without even waiting for me to answer the door.
It took a huge toll on me and caused a lot of anxiety.
I since have confronted her after a long 8 months.

This is basically how it went (see below) and I just don’t feel she’s acknowledged what she did and that she disrespected my boundaries. Advice please? I don’t know how I am meant to move I just let it go? It’s made me so angry that I finally said something and the fact she said she only did it twice (refer below also)

Thank you ladies xx

“So I addressed that mil didn’t listen to my requests Re visits and I reiterated the entire conversation her and I had had (not that I think she’s ever magically forgotten).
It was very obvious she was kind of ignoring it and wouldn’t acknowledge it, so she changed the subject....all the while im a bit annoyed and confused she had nothing to say.
She then asked me if she could help in anyway and so I said actually an explanation as to why you chose to not listen to me about my boundaries I had once I had the baby, is what I need right now. And she okay I made that mistake 2x and I was shocked!!! I said ummm sorry what do you mean? - her “I dropped in twice” . I was so livid, but I tried to stay calm and corrected her. “Actually no you dropped in way more than that”. She dropped in very often and at least 10 times during the early weeks which may not seem like much now but it was for me.
Her: “well it doesn’t matter if it was 10 or 20x can’t we move forward”. I told her it actually matters to me and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety and made things hard between my partner and I. She just refused to acknowledge what she did and couldn’t apologise.

**I don’t know how to move forward now...I don’t feel I’ve gotten closure from this experience at all and I would like some tips on what I can say to her while it’s all still fresh rather than leave it?

I since messaged and said thank you for the chat. I really want to clarify that my boundaries needed to be respected for me as a new mum and person regardless of any anxiety I had.

And she replied “yes we just want you to get better, on here to help that’s what families are for”

**I just feel she’s ignoring responsibility that she yes made a mistake but it wasn’t okay.
My fil has no idea that I’d asked her to call before visits and just thinks I’ve been stand offish with her for no reason. It’s driving me insane!

Eglantine21 Thu 06-Feb-20 10:01:32

Please explain why you don’t lock the door.

Chewbacca Thu 06-Feb-20 10:03:29

The exasperation is palpable!

Alexa Thu 06-Feb-20 11:17:31

Change the locks , and pro-actively invite her often as it suits you.

MawB Thu 06-Feb-20 11:54:36

When I was a Sam, we would often find that what a caller initially rang us about was not in fact the “real problem”
OP, I think you do need help, but not what you are asking fir, that has been offered over many pages.
Do please see a doctor or therapist. Good luck.

ananimous Thu 06-Feb-20 12:08:38

I'm going to cut straight to the chase, and hopefully save you an estrangement later on.

Your problem is talking too much waffle.

1st Change the locks - common sense.-
Hide a spare in the garden in case you get locked out yourself.

Don't keep labouring the point and insisting for an apology - it's unreasonable as you have been indecisive, and cannot blame them for your inconsistent messages.
If somebody calls at my house unannounced I simply tell them at the door it is not convenient - if they are stupid enought to repeat this , my answer does not change.
I have confidence, though.
Be clear and concise in your communication - it might be a good idea to seek councelling as you do have a problem communicating and letting people take liberties.

GagaJo Thu 06-Feb-20 12:17:25

Ignore the rudeness of some posters.

You'll have to let 'it' go. It's only upsetting you, no one else.

Either put a bolt on the door or change the lock on the door she has a key to.

I had a nightmare mother in law. I never have given her a key. We moved house to be further away from her.

There were times I left her on the doorstep and didn't even bother answering the door.

eazybee Thu 06-Feb-20 12:25:09

Change the locks, invite her for a specific time, say 2.30 Tuesday, and stop playground talk about 'disrespecting my boundaries'.
Should she arrive unannounced, say firmly but politely it is not convenient, and shut the door.
Tell your husband he is under no circumstances to give his family a key.

Namsnanny Thu 06-Feb-20 12:39:54

I too am a little confused and exasperated if this is the poster from Italy (?)!!

What I've been longing to say to all the posts of this nature is, even if your perspective is correct and the whole world agrees with you, the protagonist in these stories of woe has the right to their own opinion!
People forget that we all of us have the right to our own beliefs.
No matter how out of step with others they are.
Just because someone wants things to be different doesn't mean the other party has to agree.

I know I'm waffling and putting it badly but
Just because you ask a question of someone doesn't mean the answer will be in your favour.
(Brexit is a clear example of this in action!! Apologies for raising the b word here)

So * Ohdear11/Naty* it seems getting your needs met will be the only way to satisfy you.

Fair enough, but your MIL seems to have felt the same way.

May be you have more in common with your MIL than you realise??

Buffybee Thu 06-Feb-20 12:43:22

OP already stated that she has been here before asking for advice regarding her problem Mil, she also says that she has anxiety and if I remember correctly, from previous threads, being treated for this.
So, I think it is uncalled for that other posters are gaslighting her by insinuating the problem is all in her head and she needs to see a Doctor or Therapist.
She has told us, yes, I know, numerous times, that her Mil walks into her house or knocks and peers through her windows, when she has been asked to give the OP a quick call first to see if convenient.
Let's be clear here, the Mil is absolutely in the wrong and must have the skin of a Rhinoceros to keep ignoring OP's reasonable request, to just let her know before a visit.
OP, you really need to stick to your boundaries and as I said upthread to the point of rudeness if necessary.
The woman sounds a damn nightmare and no wonder you feel on edge and have anxiety, when this ignorant woman is ignoring your requests.
Send you husband over tonight to read her and the Fil the riot act and make it plain to them both that you need your space.

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Feb-20 13:05:20

Just change the locks and don't give her a key , sorted.

Namsnanny Thu 06-Feb-20 13:48:11

Buffybee wrong definition of gaslighting

MissAdventure Thu 06-Feb-20 14:09:07

Even if the other person is in the wrong, (which I think mother in law is) a half hearted apology is obviously all that is going to be given.
So, the question is, what can be done about it.
Short of torturing a fitting apology out of her, the only thing to do is change your own reaction to it.

We've all experienced shabby, thoughtless, or downright spiteful behaviour, I'm sure.

The healthiest thing is to get over it, in whichever way you find best.

Curlywhirly Thu 06-Feb-20 14:19:15

Yes, change the locks, problem solved. However, if it had happened to me, I would have turned her visits to my advantage and used the extra pair of hands (having absolutely no help when mine were babies I would have given my eye teeth for some extra help) I would have just asked her to make sure the baby was OK whilst I showered/ironed/cleaned/peeled the blummin' potatoes!! There are no prizes for doing everything yourself.

ananimous Thu 06-Feb-20 14:36:03

Gaslighting definition for those who seem confused:-

Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

ananimous Thu 06-Feb-20 14:38:19

Yes, but delegate all the horrible jobs - I would get a mop and bucket ready for her by the door, etc Lol!

Play the ball, not the person ;)

Curlywhirly Thu 06-Feb-20 16:20:11

ananimous well yes, any job you would rather not do! In my case, I was all babied out and was glad do go and do something else for an hour (I'm a bit sad, find cleaning and ironing rather relaxing🤤). However, I get the impression the OP would rather keep the baby to herself, so she should definitely get that mop out for MIL!

Bathsheba Thu 06-Feb-20 16:29:35

I think you are all confusing this poor OP with a different poster. I believe the OP to be in New Zealand, not Italy
I wonder what you base this on, Flying Solo?

MawB a link to OhDear's original post has already been posted by Hithere at 02.27 today. If you read that original post, you'll see that people were asking her back then if she was the person who lives in Italy, and she replied saying no, she's in New Zealand.

The poster with very similar problems, but in Italy, is Naty.

Buffybee Thu 06-Feb-20 17:12:39

Ohdear11, I must apologise as I have been answering your post as though you were Naty, so I was wrong regarding the anxiety and treatment, that was Naty.
It's difficult to believe that there are two young women with practically identical Mil problems.
Your Mil is wrong to ride roughshod over your needs, she thinks that she has the upper hand and you are subservient to her and her wishes.
This is definitely a power struggle and one which you must win.
Madgrans advice in your previous thread was spot on, I would do as she suggests and just keep repeating, in a calm way, whenever your Mil tries to take over your child or ignores your wishes.
Lock your doors, ignore her knocking, if she arrives unannounced and if she ever walks in again, tell her to get out.
As I mentioned before, she's so hard faced, I think you might have to be rude before you get the upper hand.

Greymar Thu 06-Feb-20 17:21:58

Pehaps if you don't feel well, OP, this is not the place to seek help.

Maybe a doctor and your partner?

Good Luck.

Buffybee Thu 06-Feb-20 18:10:31

The OP hasn't told us that she feels unwell Greymar and I'm not sure why you think that Gransnet is not the place to seek help.
Ohdear is asking for advice on how to deal with an overbearing and intrusive Mil, some of us Gnetters have tried to give her our advise on this problem.
Why should she go and speak to her Doctor regarding her intrusive Mil?

Chewbacca Thu 06-Feb-20 18:39:40

From the original Op:

And she replied “yes we just want you to get better

This seems to indicate that Ohdear has been unwell, don't you think Buffybee?

BlueBelle Thu 06-Feb-20 18:46:47

Of course Naty never told us where she lived only that her parents in law were Italian or did she?? did we jump to the conclusion she lived in Italy
I m still confused there is so much seems identical ....strange

FlyingSolo Thu 06-Feb-20 18:57:06

BlueBelle, yes, Naty did tell us she lived in Italy but wanted to move back to Canada

MerylStreep Thu 06-Feb-20 18:58:31

On the 17th of Jan this year Naty said she was living in Italy

FlyingSolo Thu 06-Feb-20 19:03:03

Ohdear, lives in New Zealand and her mum lives 20 minutes away and her father lives in Australia. That's correct, isn't it, Ohdear?

Unless we can prove otherwise we have to take what we are being told as the truth and accept that in the whole world it is perfectly possible for two different people to have similar problems