Childminder

Tell your daughter that you are quite a bit older now and can’t offer the same levels of childcare as you did before because you get tired much more quickly. Young people don’t understand the demands of old age. You could also say that you can’t make a firm commitment to definite times as you have doctor’s appointments etc which can pop up without warning and mean you might have to change arrangements at short notice, which obviously wouldn’t fit in with childcare commitments. You could offer to step in occasionally if there’s a real emergency.

Won't there be some animosity between your daughters with you having accommodate one and now saying no to the other? Of course you are entitled to have your own time. I would though feel quite guilty refusing in this instance.

I agree with the poster who said why do the adult children have families if they have not factored in the impact of child care. Very few seem to actually discuss this with the grandparents before expecting them to take on child care.

I wanted to continue my career after two children so I was sterilised to ensure there were no more babies. Maybe a bit drastic now with more efficient methods of birth control.

OP can you make a compromise offer? Say you will help out for 6 months but you are older now.
Life changes, we change.
It will happen to both your DD's one day. I mean they will get older.
But younger people do not understand what a drop in energy levels being older can bring.

That’s a tough one. You did if for the first one, presumably saving her a fortune. I wonder if you have any thought to what would happen if your other daughter fell pregnant? I’m not saying it’s your fault, just that I can see tour other daughter might feel it’s very unfair when her sister has benefitted from free childcare.

Can you help out with one day a week perhaps?

I agree with others perhaps 1 or 2 days a week. And limit school holidays. I'm a nan and a childminder, so looked after my gc, along with my childminded children. But I'm semi retired now and wouldn't want to look after gc full time again. To exhausting. And no freedom to do thing I want to do.

My parents as grandparents helped my DSister on her return to f/t work, one full day a week, with her last pre school son. Her In Laws had to do one full day also, and her DH, my BiL, cut his hours for a year.

One day was enough for my then seventy something DPs. Could you not offer one consistent day a week Annie221 and specify maybe one child?

This might help your DD2 with childcare costs and also might mean she and her DH have to look elsewhere for more childcare. This would mean it isn’t all on you, with emergencies etc.

Good luck. Guilt is a tricky thing.

It gets hard to babysit kids when you reach a certain age, we have our great grandson every Friday from 8am to 5pm, he is now 2 and very active. We also have him when his other babysitters can’t take him. Presumably we will do this until he is school age. We also occasionally look after our two nieces ( 11 and 8) and our step great grand children ( 8 and 3) at the moment it is no problem for us as there are two of us. It does tie you up though and yes if you say no there is guilt involved. It must be a very hard decision to say no to your daughter Annie 221 but saying no is better than taking the children and resenting it

I see the daughters side...
Favourites!

You did it for her, but now it's my turn, you don't want to!

Of course, no says you HAVE to, but come on, to out an absolute block on it is unfair, especially when you helped your other child.

I hate this sort of behaviour. I've seen it soo much. I suffered it as a foster child, and found I was punished at the slightest thing, especially if the foster person's kids said I done something, and of course, I hadn't, but I'd never be listened to.

My fiancee suffers this all the time from her.mothet.... the son can do no wrong, the grandchildren can do no wrong cz but my fiancee is always left out of everything.

My fiancee has cancer, and her mother hasn't called once in almost 6 months to ask how she is, despite my fiancee not being well enough to go down there.

When you have more than one child, you must, MUST make sure you treat both ewuslly., Otherwise it's favouritism.

Do you really need all 7 days a week to yourself? REALLY?

I was still working school terms when my grandchildren were born. My son’s in-laws did a huge amount to help and I felt guilty so I took them for some days each week during the school holidays. Although I loved having them this resulted in me returning to work unrefreshed. When we retired I said that we were there for them if needed but would not make a weekly commitment as we had never had the opportunity to go away in term times due to my work and were going to make the most of our time with a caravan. We have done this and helped out in the holidays and when needed. We have now been retired four years and the children have grown and no longer need as much care. The down side to this is I do envy the close relationship they have with their other gran.

Your life and your decision. Remember we only live once. Xx

I don't know why, but recently I've been very aware that in a few years time I won't be as mobile (on my feet and in my car) as I am now. I've loved my time 1-to-1 time with my DGD, who will start school soon, but I couldn't start over again with a newborn.
Our kids see us as we were when they were teenagers.

Buffy thank you for your comment. I never know if I am too much of a wimp or if the treatment I got is the current normal.
So many Grandparents on here are doing huge amounts of child care and it is just expected of them. The AC dont seem to see any need to reciprocate in any way. It is am imbalance.
Perhaps it is best to live at a greater distance.

You must have a lovely relationship with daughter no 1's child. How many children is your other daughter asking you to look after? 2? 3? And all together at the same time or one at a time?
It sounds as if daughter no 2 did not ask you to help her whilst you were looking after daughter no 1's child. She probably thinks it ok now to ask for some help as you no longer have that responsibility.
Perhaps a compromise - offer to help one/two days a week?
My mil refused to do any childminding when my DS was born, said 'I've had my 3, I'm not doing any more.' (I was 41, she lived nearby, my DM lived 300 miles away). We bought childcare, we were both working in low paid jobs. Now a grown man, sadly DS now remembers his GM with little affection.
By contrast my DGM looked after me a lot as a child (DM & DF both worked) & spent hours talking to me as a teenager. I still miss her.
Yes, life is short & perhaps we do need a little 'me-time' occasionally but janzicb1's decisions/actions seem to have struck the right balance all round both for them and the grandchildren. Perhaps a good framework to follow/get ideas on how to handle the situation?

Get your daughter to ask about working tax credits as well because with that they can claim cash paid out to nursery/childcare,so it makes it affordable.

I have a 6 month old. My italian MIL is 74 but very spry. She cried for joy when I asked her for part time (3 hours 4 times per week)...but my own mother wouldn't want that.
It's cultural...but they also want to be "fair" as they took on my husband's sister's 3 kids, each 5 years apart. The eldest is 18....18 years ago is a long time ago. The youngest is 10! 10 years ago is also a long time ago. As a new mom, I'd rather just have grandparents for friendly visits, special outings and emergencies.
I wouldn't hold it against MIL for saying no. I would, however, feel miffed if it was my own mom and if she were younger. We are missing important details, OP.

Maybe a compromise would be best? A day or two a week?

But you are entitled to be free if that is what you want. 100%

I looked after my grandson , now 11 until he went to school, and my other son’s daughter the same. When she started school last September, I also wanted time to myself, but have ended up collecting her from school one day a week because I felt guilty. I wish I had stuck to my guns, as sometimes I find it really difficult to get out of the house as I suffer from severe depression. Don’t be pressured into something, it’s your time now.

My mother helped my older brother a great deal with his children, but didn't help much at all with my daughter - but she was older, and obviously although I was disappointed I accepted that things were different, and I'm sure your daughter will feel the same.

Sugarpufffairy, I know this post isn’t about you but just have to comment on the unfair time you have had.
In all of the above I see lots of good reasons NOT to live too close to family.
We are 20 minutes from nearest grandchildren. Luckily daughter only asks for help in emergencies.

Most of my grandchildren live abroad. I would love the chance of a school or nursery pick up but I understand your position, maybe offer a couple of days.

I'm constantly amazed at how people have children without factoring in the cost of childcare and just expect their own parents to step in (and not even ask in advance). Yes, you looked after your other daughter's child BUT you were 4-5 years YOUNGER when you agreed to do that. Maybe offer to babysit for them and step in if there's an emergency but say that you just can't take on any more regular childcare?

Why do people have children and then expect somebody else to look after them?
My daughter made the decision not to go back to work until her son started school.it was difficult financially, but so worth it for her and my grandson. She and my SIL also decided to have no more children. She now has a part-time job that fits in with his school hours. Everything has worked out, and I’m only called upon to help out occasionally

I personally couldn’t do that I so miss looking after grandkids they are all big teens now and leading their own lives and I couldn’t do it for one and not the other I’m not criticising your decision just saying I couldn’t
Is there a middle ground where you could do some looking after and have some time to yourself

Looking at it from the daughters point of view I d be sorely disappointed if my mum had looked after my sisters child and then said no to me

I completely understand how you feel! I co parented my eldest DGS from birth til mum remarried when he was 7 and they are now separated (with a further 2 little ones) the other 2 DD have 3 DGD between them and the amount of child care their father and I are asked to do is unbelievable! I long for some me time but the guilt card is wheeled out if we ever say no! I am afraid my advice is at odds with my own experience and that is don’t feel guilty you deserve some life of your own (easier said than done I know!) ?

Im sure they can help each other,by maybe doing pick ups from school/ after school clubs ,school runs etc? On every other day each of them or get other under school age in nursery and still 1 daughter do 1 day the other next day etc? If they live near each other that is.or maybe your daughter can do this arrangement with a friend or other mum at school/ nursery? Just explain kindly your not as young as you used to be so cant help full time,maybe you could do a school pick up or two to help out though,?