Challenges with DIL

I think you need to focus far more on your relationship with your DIL than on what you are called! To be honest, it seems very strange for your Husband to attend but not you....that is far more relevant and important to consider why, if you want to sustain a relationship with this new little family

Perhaps you should be encouraging your son to persuade her to seek help for the anxiety.

The OP is in NO position to be making comments on the DILs mental health because
- she is using it as a way to belittle DILs VALID concerns about OPs behaviour
- she unkindly said "its been 2 months" instead of "its only been two months"...
- she has bee told that while DIL is fine with others, the thought of OP arriving makes her feel overwhelmed and anxious
- saying the DS is drained because of her and not because new parenting is just draining is s**t-stirring talk

I dont think the DIL has "problems". I think the OP has zero insight

What are the real demands? Son and dil want to do as they wish.

Dil mental health is not your worry.

Just ask them what they'd prefer you to be called and go with it. Calling GP's mama and papa would confuse any child surely.

I don't understand why you didn't go with your H and decided to surprise your d.i.l. by flying out later and before doing so, 'phoned her to ask what she thought. Sorry, but the response you said you got from your d.i.l. doesn't make any sense either.

If other people were there for the blessing including you H, why would your presence be "overwhelming"? Or gave I miss understood?

sorry that should have been 'or have I miss understood'.

I dont get this, all the Grandparents I vluding your husband went but you were going to fly out and surprise them. Were you not invited in the first place? Also when you asked to go you were told not too.
I really find this post odd.

“Challenges with DIL”

I would kindly and very gently suggest maybe looking on Mumsnet and reading some of the heartfelt posts there from DIL’s who are struggling with MIL’s, those who are calling grandchildren “my baby” and suchlike, and how very difficult this is for DIL’s. It's helpful to see it from the other side.

I don't think your getting the advice you were hoping for, NewGMa

Gosh I’m not sure why a grandparent would want to be Mama or Papa. Relish in the grand. When my grand babies were on the way we agreed I was Granny and the fraternal gran is Grandma. But one of my twin grand babies has taken to calling me Gum and that’s fine I’m sure it will evolve into something beautiful. They have a mama and papa in mummy and daddy. Much as I love them they have 2 fabulous parents. I understand perfectly my role, which is to love them all.

Mama and Papa - How's my baby? How's my handsome boy? - He's not your he's theirs, they are Mama and Papa!! How about 'How's our baby grandchild? How's your handsome baby boy? " It's no wonder she's suffering from anxiety!! You might think that these terms of endearment are OK but they're not and I know you don't mean anything by them but please remember that this little baby boy, although part of your family, is theirs. Be careful or you might find that invites become less frequent..

I think there’s not a single thing wrong with dils mental health but quite a bit wrong with the expectations from OP. You are not mama. The baby has a mama. Please stop stressing the baby’s mama by claiming ownership of a role that isn’t yours.

What everyone else has already said.

I am genuinely mystified as to why you cannot see how unreasonable your post sounds. Your DiL is not the problem here (although I strongly suspect there will now be a lot of drip feeding to prove that she is v v unreasonable and your son is kept under the thumb by a scheming, domineering, mentally unstable young woman).

I think the title of the OP should be "Challenges with MIL"

Or 'Tips for new MILs on How Not to Behave'

Or 'New Grandmothers'

It is a learning curve but some need to learn more than others- and very quickly.

Do you think NewGma is perhaps not interested in our thoughts on her OP as she has not returned yet?

Very odd choice of username for someone who doesn't want to be called Grandma.

Perhaps it's just me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It really helped me to think more consciously of her side. There is of course more to our background than can be covered in a single post. But your opinions really helped me take a step back & think about what's really bothering me. Was it really the name? No, it wasn't. It was our relationship.
I decided to call my DIL one on one without my son and talk with her about this. We had a beautiful talk & have resolved our issues. She was able to explain her thoughts. She listened to mine. We were both respectful to each other. We agreed that I will be called Grandma and I genuinely feel good about it. We were able to clear the air on other things as well. And we agreed to communicate to each lovingly and respectfully. What more can I ask? I'm so happy that it went well! Thank you all for your help ❤

Lovely update.

The names must be secondary to your DIL and her recovery from pregnancy. This prolonged anxiety may well indicate a hormone imbalance. This type of anxiety is well researched and she needs to see her doctor. It is very treatable, but she needs a loving hand.

Does it really matter what your name is. When our first GC was born we were told by SiL that we couldnt be nana, papa or grandpa as his parents used those names. I wasn't bothered one bit they could call us what they wanted. I'm now granny but OH is bow-wow-wow or moo depending on the child, we love it.

Thanks for the update NewGMa so pleased you have resolved things so well with your daughter in law. Your grandson is lucky to have a Grandma who cares enough to consider the feelings of others.

NewGMa that is brilliant to hear. And so good that there was respect, listening and understanding from both of you. Enjoy being Grandma!

I'm not called by the name I chose, either Gma, if it's any consolation. However, it was DD who decided on something else.

What's in a name?
As long as you have a good relationship with your DIL, enjoy your new little grandson and your DIL recovers well and begins to relax.

Congratulations, NewGMA on your new grandbaby! Sorry DIL has been experiencing postpartum anxiety, but 2 months isn't very long for that to be going on. I'm sure she'll get past it in time.

I agree w/ those who say you shouldn't say anything to DS about her mental health. That's between them. And again, I'm certain she'll be better soon.

So glad you and she had such a warm, productive conversation. I understood your wanting to be "Mama and Papa" since DH's parents were, but I also get why DIL would object to that. I'm glad you've accepted "Grandma" instead. Please continue to keep in mind that they are the parents now, and you and DH are GPs. As a GP myself, I think it's a wonderful thing to be. Enjoy! And best of luck moving forward!