Adult Son is a Verbal Bully - any ideas how to react?

Thanks Alexa, Barmeyoldbat, and Hazel. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

You must keep in touch for the wife and grandchildren, they might want someone to talk to like you did. Go round or call when you know he won't be there and explain how you feel to his wife.

It must be hurting him to deny himself contact with you. He only has one mother. I think you must not give up on him as he will crash one day.

So sorry but he is just a bully and you don't have to stand for it. When he starts don't engage with him just say whatever and walk away. Stay friends and in contact with his wife, there might well come a time when she has had enough and with a bit of luck kick him out or needs somewhere to stay.

Lack of self esteem causes bullying, I take it he doesn't simply lack social skills? Has he any empathy towards animals or young children?

Is there any topic that allows him to be friendly? If so, if you could talk about whatever does not inflame his bad temper . Possibly something trivial like telephone call e.g. "Your favourite musician(football team, detective )is on TV tonight" and no more to the conversation than that. I am just suggesting this, as I guess you want to keep a channel open.

Davidhs, thank you for your advice, and every word you've said is true, unfortunately. I do defend mysel but he has a retort for everything, and not a nice one either. I am so glad I sought the thoughts of others here, as I was really getting down and doubting myself as he puts the blame on me for everything. All the replies suggest totally otherwise. Thanks to you all ❤️

He’s nothing better than a schoolyard bully, tell him so and kick him out when he starts you don’t need this. He hasn’t got “issues” he is an evil sod who has got away with bad behavior far too long.
Sorry I can offer no solution other than give it back to him and stand up for yourself.

Grandma french, Elisabeth1, May7 and cupaffull. Grateful thanks for your words of wisdom. It's so reassuring to be told it's not my fault that my son is so dreadfully cruel. His late father was a true gentleman, kind and considerate, so where this nasty streak comes from I've no idea. My son has had a privileged background, private boarding school and a lovely life in a very happy home. His sister is not like this at all, and neither am I. Thanks you once again for everybody's help, advice and words of wisdom. It's been really appreciated .

AnnieOaklea I'm soo sorry to hear you are being treated like this, he is clearly an unhappy person. Nobody really ever knows what's going on in someone elses head but as many others on GN have said, he should not be taking it out on you. Has he always been like this or just recently?
Is it that he believes you will just put up with such abysmal treatment, that he can get away with it because he has in the past?
You don't have to answer this... but consider, did he learn his overbearing manner from his father?
Did he grow up watching his father belittling the women in the family?
I ask only because you intimate your daughter wouldn't stick up for you. If it were my mother he was bullying, I would be on the phone to him smartish!
If you felt it might help, write him a letter and as it's been a year, you have plenty of time to consider what to put into it. But ultimately you might have to emotionally separate yourself from his controlling manner and just get on with your life.
Do keep in touch with your GC's because you just never know what's round the corner.
Little cards and gifts in the post during this stressful time will be lovely for them.

And investigate joining some local networks to just talk to folk. Perhaps join the NHS Volunteers to make regular phone contact with others. They will be grateful for your kindness. My thoughts are with you

I agree with all of the above but you wouldn't let someone breathe bacteria over you would you? Men like your son need an audience to be effective just like a child when they have a temper tantrum. Remove yourself from him the best you can and keep in contact with your DiL and grandchildren.
Some men just belittle women because the bigger boys wont let them play with them its usually an inferiority thing and so women bear the brunt
I'm sending you today and hope you stay safe.

Hugs Annie don’t let him bully you stare him out and put it back to him saying do you hear what you’re saying do you realise how this behaviour is affecting me or and your family sorry it’s easy for me to analyse this behaviour but not easy to imagine my family treating me like this they never have don’t know why some offspring turn into monsters. Look after yourself Annie hugs to you

Well, he's certainly been given a free rein in his nastiness and, sadly, his Wife - instead of working on forgiveness and maybe eventual reconciliation, with lots of changes to be made (!!) , begged and pleaded for him to come home, presumably all on his terms. After an affair with her friend? After all that betrayal? And now she's afraid that if she crosses him in any way, she'll lose him. Just what he shouldn't have now. All that weakness means that she won't be much of an ally for you. As others have said, keep a relationship with her but don't count on it as being helpful. What it will do hopefully is allow you to maintain contact with your GC's. Show them your love and offer them the stability which they probably don't get from someone behaving like him.

He certainly sounds like the worst arrogant bully. He could be very unhappy but he's not going to share that with you. Or, he could just be seeing how far he can push all of you, feeling sure that you'll take that and more because you're 'family', trying to punish the wrong people for his own mistakes or because he's made bad decisions. Or maybe he feels that he just cannot end his relationship with his Wife and he's trapped and hates himself for it, so in his anger and frustration is turning on you.

Let it all go, or it will consume you because it's toxic and you'll end up feeling that there is something wrong with you. People like that are always so surprised when we suddenly decide stop, no more, and we mean it. You must be so sad and there's no one who really knows him, presumably, who will be strong with you or for you. But you seriously have to look after yourself, and not give him any more opportunity to abuse or bully you. No need to row, just don't respond and walk away or end the conversation. Try not to let him see you upset, just look puzzled, shrug your shoulders and leave him wondering what you feel. Once you stop playing his game, maybe he'll change, maybe he'll be different, lead a different life, maybe he'll get help, but that's down to him to work out. Think about yourself now and don't accept any responsibility for his attitude towards you Stay safe and be strong.

Smileless, Sussexborn and hetty58 ? and many thanks xx

So sorry you have to cope with this behaviour.

A friend set up a support group intending it to be for mother’s coping with toddler tantrums but the first dozen calls were from mother’s being abused by their sons.

The advice given should help you to stand up to him and distance yourself. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

He may, or may not, have a personality disorder. Next time he has a go at you, calmly suggest that he gets help with his unhappiness.

Take a big step back, emotionally, for now and look after yourself.

AnnieOaklea I'm so sorry you're being subjected to this. I agree with posters who've suggested your son has a problem with women in general, hence his abusive behaviour being directed at you and his wife.

Now that you'll be unable to have physical contact, you're in stronger position to regain some control, If he does contact you by 'phone and is abusive, tell him you will no longer be spoken too in that way and end the call.

If he is abusive by text and/or email; ignore him.

You're not alone there are GN's who are estranged from an AC and GC and we know how painful it will have been for you being denied your GC for almost a year, which IMO was to punish you for not towing the line.

No one deserves to be abused AnnieOaklea. He should hang his head in shame.

Thank you so much, Welshwife, Fennel, Lucky Girl, Trisher, Grannyjay, , Rosenoir, nanaK54, and hithere.
I really appreciate your words of wisdom and I'm going to take everything on board. Gosh, what a great place this Gransnet is, and I appreciate every one who has taken the time to respond. You've no idea how much it helps to not feel alone with a problem. xx

Op,

If he starts verbally abusing you again, you can remove yourself from the situation or ask him to leave as you dont tolerate being treated like that

That is, if he apologizes for his behaviour before talking to you again.

I have no advice but just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and send some
No help I know

Some people are just not nice people and being related does not mean you have to like them or have contact with them.

Is he a narcissist because if he is you are going to lose the argument every time. My brother unfortunately is one and also misogynistic to and calls women loaves of bread, fresh but soon go stale. He has children all over the place but never has paid a penny in maintenance. He used to shout my mum down as she was a mere woman. Growing up with one helps in some ways as to how they work on people but THEY are never wrong, YOU are. They can be pretty nasty characters to you but to the people they need they are charming. He says he despises me to try and whip up an argument but I will not be intimidated and he hates it.

Annie people often love the very thing which is bad for them. It may be that he is stressed but doesn't want to admit it. That said you can do very little about it, only hope. As well as repeating his words you could try doing "I'm sorry you think that" and then just walk away. Don't argue, don't interact, he obviously gets some kick out of denigrating people especially women. Maybe he hoped his affair would change things but he has finished up back with his wife and now behaves even worse than before. Good luck, stay strong and remember you are not the problem. One word about keeping in touch with your DIL always remember that he is controling her and if you seem some sort of threat he may force her to break contact. Be friendly but never criticise him.

I am sorry to hear this - you must be so disappointed in him. How painful for you.

Annie - very sad to have to admit this to yourself.
I agree with grannypiper.
I was going to suggest a technique I once tried with a verbally aggressive person, but it sounds too late now.
Each time he/she says some hurtful comment you look them in the eye and repeat their exact words right back to them. Persevere if necessary.
Keep a cool head when doing it.

granny piper I was going to write a very similar post myself.