Should I meet my mum, 66yrs age and lives alone

that last sentence VQ, is profoundly true. thank you. clear.

I don’t agree that ‘she’s knows which buttons to press’ if she is suffering depression and it certainly sounds like it then she isn’t doing it on purpose She really needs to speak to a gp and perhaps get on some anti depressant
You’re very black and white Hithere her mother may be an adult but if she’s very depressed she won’t have the capacity to see she needs help

Can you not meet her but do not go into the house or touch her. As long as you stay apart a walk might help her.

My DM was very similar. She was depressed, but the cause of the depression was her jealousy. She was quite open about it when I said that jealousy was a very negative emotion and it was only making her miserable. She said it was a family trait and she couldn’t help it. In fact she seemed to enjoy being jealous in the same way as some people enjoy losing their temper and throwing a tantrum.

I would say go for a walk in the park with her, but would it lead on to her wanting more? A routine walk once a week, twice a week, coming back to the house for coffee and so on.

Was your DM diagnosed with chronic depression? I can't say I've ever met anyone who enjoyed the illness.

Decide what you want and how you want to get it - e.g. keeping yourself and family as safe as you can from the virus, by not meeting up with anyone - and tell your mother this.

At the moment you don't know what to do because you are trying to listen to everyone.

The most important people, for you, are your husband and child so you have to do what's best for them.

Hello,
Can you explain about your sister? Clearly she isn’t too bothered about the virus if she’s having overnight guests.

I suggest you call your mother with updates and if she has a smartphone suggest you do little videos of your little one to send her. My family use WhatsApp for this. It makes you feel closer without the risk.

My mother-in-law is not happy to chat through her window to my husband if he goes over with shopping. She thinks she’s being friendly but WILL insist on coming out. She tries to get him to go inside and “sit at a distance” it’s SO ridiculous.

I’m so relieved the controlling behaviour of your husband has stopped. If it has then that is indeed very good news. Is it possible that your mother thinks it’s ongoing and that she is being “supportive”?

Regarding your brother - I think that in some parts of the USA and among some groups there is a feeling that this virus is largely hoax. He probably thinks it’s not as bad as it is. And of course he’s not the one dealing with your mother!

And yes! You are right, it’s definitely not going to work if you take your toddler with you to walk at a distance!

Can your mother understand if she meets you for a walk in the park she and you will have to keep 2 metres apart at all times?

You are both allowed to go out for exercise. Provided you keep your distance and don't go into her house or any other enclosed area, I can't see why you can't go for a walk.

I agree with those who think, whilst your mother may be quite controlling, it sounds as if she is depressed. If possible, as others have said, can you have a word with her GP?

I wouldn’t go, if you have a problem relationship with your Mother, then this is the time to put your foot down, your Mother is healthy, she is going out for her daily exercise, she is visiting your sister ( she shouldn’t do this) and is now trying to make you feel guilty. She is 66 not 96 and has to start to find a way of keeping herself amused, not using you and your child as a prop. It’s called tough love.
We have been told to stay at home and not to make unnecessary journeys, tell her this firmly and stand your ground.

I think lockdown might be an ideal time to coax your mum a) to count her own blessings that she is not in the “shielded” group of older people with heart disease, cancers etc.
and b) it’s an opportunity for you to offer - from the safety of your own home - as many ideas as you can for hobbies that your mum can engage in to help her pass what must be a very long lonely day in these times. She is not alone in feeling that way, but may not be used to being told what to do.
To be absolutely clear the Government is telling us to Stay At Home. Could you order online puzzle books to be delivered to her, or a weekly magazine subscription, an embroidery or crossstitch kit, (or any sort of craft kit), jigsaw puzzle, fiction novels, cookery book. The message you’re giving her is you care about her but you will not break the law and meet up with her. If she can’t see the reason why you can’t do that I’m afraid you will have to reverse roles and be the “parent” who enforces it. If she takes to new hobbies now, it may help you with her in the future.
On the matter of seeing grandchildren: it is heartbreaking that grandparents and grandchildren are being kept apart but she is not alone with it. Can she join gransnet and discuss this with others who feel her isolation?
Sorry this is long but trying to put forward some ideas without too much emotion. You seem to be emotionally blackmailed enough by your Mum.

Most of us here on gransnet are of a similar age to your mother, or older, and we're all saying she is being unreasonable.
Puzzler61 is right. You need to resist the emotional blackmail.

No! No! No!

Good luck but stand your ground!

I think this is an assertiveness training course for a lot of us.

Best wishes to you.

I have to admit that if my parents lived within walking distance then I would gladly call round and talk to them through the window, but NOT go indoors.

But they don't so I have to "manage" on the phone calls and occasional Skype.

My poor mum has suffered with anxiety and depression for years, lives alone and she's not making demands on me or my siblings. I feel sorry for your DM but she needs to understand you can't put your family at risk and flout the government rules. I agree with contacting her GP, maybe the will have someone who can support her by phone.

Let your mum talk to her out of the window.Make it clear she must stand at the bottom of the drive if she comes any closer close the window

I think there are a few issues going on, not just if you should meet your Mum.
On that question tho I would say if you go by yourself and reiterate that you can't touch and stay at a distance then I'd walk.
It no different than you walking and seeing a neighbour and having a socially distant chat or being in a supermarket (assuming you can do all those and so can she?)
It sounds like she's very depressed and is struggling, but only you know her really and can judge that.
I can't actually believe the people saying "ignore" "bolt the doors" etc, how heartless.
I'd rather go for a walk once a week than have her deteriorate by herself. Only you know tho how it will go as only you know her. Good luck x

This is a typical me me me situation and you must not give in. Been there in a similar sit, with my own long gone mother.Enough is never enough and in this instance you and your child must come first. Phone AGE UK for guidance they should be able to advise on what your mother or any elderly person can / should do in this present situation.

If my Mum was still alive this is exactly what I would be going through - she was very dependent (first on Dad, then on me). She made very little effort to have her own life, or even a hobby but looked to me all the time to make her happy (when I was younger i took that on myself but it was a hopeless task). This is your opportunity to put some boundaries in place with her and personally I would grab them. Firstly, make sure that she has things like the number of Silver Line and the Samaritans, so that she has other sources of support (not just you). Secondly, I can't see the problem in meeting her for a walk - as long as she agrees to stay 2m apart and only ONCE per week, but not with your son (he simply won't understand why he can't hug her and they will both end up upset?) Or as othes have said, bring him to the house but just talk to her through the window. But no more. All very well for your brother but he's NOT THERE! Oh how many times I've nearly lost my temper with a relative of ours who left the UK decades ago and escaped his responsibilities, and yet of course always knows what they need! he would (in his imagination) be the PERFECT son (in contrast to the reality of actually being here - so don't take any notice of him).

I wonder if your mum would keep her distance however you arranged to meet with her

for me, the question would be ,, who am I responsible for, my mother or my child?

and can I trust mum to keep her distance if I agreed some sort of meeting, within Government guidelines.

she has already broken them by visiting your sister,, my child would be my greatest responsibility, and my own health as if I met with my mum, and she didn`t keep the social distancing, it is possible for me to take virus back to my child...

no contest, though very painful

Don’t ignore your own needs and wishes for that of your Mum. Any Mum not suffering depression would generally insist that their needs come behind their children’s. So she is obviously not well.
From a lock down point of view it is perfectly OK to meet provided social distancing is observed.I take shopping to my 93 year old Mother and whilst there I stops for a chat in the garden where I won’t touch anything in the house and we can keep 6 feet apart. She has a side gate to the garden she opens for my arrival. All perfectly OK and a full visit is achieved without any compromise of the rules. This is necessary as she no longer hears on a phone or TV and can’t use and doesn’t have a computer or tablet so we have to call in and check all is well with the shopping or she has no idea what’s going on in the world!!

HI, I know what you are going through. I look after an older relative and I get the tearful, anxious calls. It is difficult.I had to take her dog to be out down last week (she was 16 and of all the times to decide to die, I ask you!) I had to get her to leave the poor old dog in the conservatory whilst I picked her up and took her to the vets. I cried like a baby. It is so hard not to give somebody a hug or all the things that you would normally do. I expect your Mum is not computer literate either so face time won't work. I have contacted the local volunteer service and asked them to call her a couple of times a week just so she can chat to somebody different. I have also persuaded her to do a bit of drawing and dropped a few puzzle books through the door. I ring her twice a day and talk about what she is up to. I dropped a jigsaw the other day - just anything to get her to spend a little bit of time doing something and not absorbed in her unhappiness. I really feel for you, it is so difficult, But every minute that you can get them to do something to distract themselves helps.

Simple answer is NO!!!! You know the rules and it's there for you and your mothers good.

Dearest Cplj the answer has to come from you but for me it would be no. I have not seen my grandsons for over 6 weeks now as daughter was ill before self isolation. I desperately miss all 4 grandsons and they live only 10 mins drive away. My son was 6 last year and had chickenpox virus, caught at school, 8 weeks after the initial infection he had a stroke and ended up in Alderhey Hospital. The cause was the chickenpox virus. Thank goodness his recovery has been on going. Please tell your mother that you can facetime on phone and keep yourselves including her safe, it just isn't worth the risk. I facetime every evening and have a wonderful 1/2 hour, I'm told what they have been upto that day and shown pictures and crafts they have made. Your mother needs to motivate herself. I am also retired, recently from a stressful job with NHS, cant return due to health problem, but I plan each day with some thing to do, e.g Monday this week was clean upstairs, washing and ironing and knitting and ordering new wool, I've found that you can order so much off the internet. Hobbii is a fantastic site. She needs to ensure she goes out for her 30 mins walk. Most of all she needs an hobby, making cards is a good one, maybe you can go on Hobbycraft or The Works site and order her some craft supplies/kits. Basically I now you love your mother, but in my opinion it would be safer to say no as guidelines say and all stay safe. I know I cant make up your mind for you, but mum needs to get off sofa and do things. Xxxxx