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Upsetting friends

(70 Posts)
Alijane Mon 08-Jun-20 23:27:19

A group of us meet up at each other’s houses sporadically, and a while ago an invite was sent for later this month. As the lockdown was in place we decided that we’d pass this time. The host was not very understanding and hoped we’d reconsider. Host has again asked us, and doesn’t seem to understand our point of view. He obviously considers the risk far less than we do. I’m left feeling unsettled. I don’t want to upset friends of long standing, and I can see that locally there is little risk, but for now we don’t want to introduce too many into our’bubble. Why am I feeling I’m in the wrong?

Oopsminty Mon 08-Jun-20 23:49:53

You're not in the wrong

As it stands now, I think only 2 households can meet up, preferably in the garden.

So just point out that you'll be able to meet up again soon, but not yet

Unigran4 Tue 09-Jun-20 00:13:00

I agree with Oopsminty - you are not in the wrong. He is, by insisting that you meet up. It would be a shame to put yourself in any danger (however small) because of peer pressure (which doesn't only affect the teenagers, it would appear).

Stay strong, and if your friends are upset that easily - are you sure they are friends?

Teacheranne Tue 09-Jun-20 01:39:43

I thought that in England, up to six people can now meet, from any number of households, but must be outside and 2m apart.

FarNorth Tue 09-Jun-20 01:47:34

You feel you are in the wrong because your friend is behaving as if you are.
A real friend wouldn't be asking you to do this or, at least, would accept your reason for refusing.

welbeck Tue 09-Jun-20 01:58:47

i thought we were only allowed to meet people from one other household, and that outdoors or in the garden, keeping 6 foot apart.
just email host that you are following govt guidelines.
the less said the better. so you are not seen to be criticising the others in the group, or host, but simply stating your position.
don't dilute it with explanations/ excuses.
if he doesn't like it, that's his problem.
you have done nothing wrong. don't feel you have to apologise. don't be manipulated into people's dramas.

Sussexborn Tue 09-Jun-20 02:21:13

Typed out a detailed post, it disappeared then I couldn’t remember where the question came from. Everyone’s circumstances are different but you shouldn’t be pushed into anything you aren’t comfortable with. Perhaps your friend is getting a bit stir crazy? Would he settle for a zoom meeting - they get easier after the first few “visits”.

BlueBelle Tue 09-Jun-20 04:56:22

Do what you are comfortable with alijane you should not be made to feel uncomfortable with ‘friends’ I d wrote a brief note ‘what a shame we won’t be able to make it this time, this virus is disrupting so much, hopefully by next time the government will have relaxed the lockdown a bit more Looking forward to seeing you all another time’
Something like that is brief but friendly if he takes objection to that then he’s not a real friend

Calendargirl Tue 09-Jun-20 06:40:33

I agree with your post welbeck

I belong to a small group who volunteer in primary school. We haven’t been able to meet since before lockdown. A Zoom meeting was set up for last week, I wasn’t keen and didn’t join in.

This maybe makes me odd, but although I get on well with the others, I am not missing meeting up and really don’t know what we would chat about on screen, as none of us are doing much to interest each other at the moment.

ladymuck Tue 09-Jun-20 06:46:15

Do the sensible thing. You know what it is!
Government guidelines are irrelevant in this situation.

Calendargirl Tue 09-Jun-20 06:51:16

Why are they irrelevant in this situation ladymuck?

I assume from the post he’s wanting to have a meet up in his home as normal, which is not supposed to be happening under lockdown.

A small gathering of up to six in the garden is acceptable, with social distancing.

Blinko Tue 09-Jun-20 07:38:21

Meet in his garden when the weather improves. Where's the problem?

Gingster Tue 09-Jun-20 07:50:23

Everyone has to act as they feel comfortable with. I am Cautious but not overly so. Friends who I meet up with , I always ask are you happy to do this. If not we’ll find another way . FaceTime or message. Don’t pressurise people into doing things they aren’t sure about

sodapop Tue 09-Jun-20 08:55:58

Stick to your guns Alijane and do only what you feel comfortable with. Friends should understand and respect your feelings even if they don't agree.

MawB Tue 09-Jun-20 09:02:30

Do the sensible thing. You know what it is
Government guidelines are irrelevant in this situation

No Ladymuck it is not fair to add to the pressure OP is feeling. In this case the sensible thing is to stick to the guidelines.
Why oh why do some people think things do not apply to them ? But are the first to criticise the crowds at Lulworth Cove, the young people in the park, the joggers and cyclists who they feel come too near to them or to be surprised that people we know are succumbing to this virus?

Marydoll Tue 09-Jun-20 09:09:20

The guidelines are there for a reason, they are there to keep you safe, Alijane. Stick to your guns.

People who disregard the guidance or encourage others to disregard it, make me really angry. I have a neighbour like that. They put themselves at risk and all those they meet, including medical staff who have to treat them if they become ill.

They are the reason that we have such a high death rate here.

Selfish, self centred people! 🤬

EllanVannin Tue 09-Jun-20 09:15:38

We are a longstanding group of 5, including myself and one I've known since the 70's, the others since the 80's.
We've all been on the phone to each other but wouldn't dream of having our usual meet-ups. Consideration is an important factor when a person is vulnerable.

One is on immuno-suppressants and another has a pace-maker. Yes, we've all expressed our desire to see each other but no way would any of us force the issue.
If you value your friends stay at home and if anyone is pressured into meeting and disobeying rules, then they're not the genuine and true friends you thought they were.

Elderlyfirsttimegran Tue 09-Jun-20 09:31:14

We’re doing virtual meet-ups. You’re absolutely right not to want to physically meet at the moment. My children, grandchildren and other halves meet up on WhatsApp, it’s free so my son in NZ can join in too. It’s not the same but wat is on the current situation?

Babs758 Tue 09-Jun-20 09:38:37

I had a lovely zoom chat with friends from work and Ex-work last night. I am the oldest by ten years but some of them in their 40s are immune compromised for various reasons. We would not dream of meeting up right now but the zoom chat was good fun and it was lovely to see them. You are in the right here and your friend should have more respect for your wishes.

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 09-Jun-20 09:39:50

A good friend suggested our usual group meet up in her garden. The weather was lovely and she has loads of room for social distancing. In the end we decided against it. I have had my daughter visit in the garden and it was lovely. I think we all have to do our own risk assessments. Is it following guidelines,how vulnerable are we,how are we getting there.etc. For the moment I prefer to keep it to one or two people. Fine at moment but do wonder how we will all cope in late Autumn /Winter ☹

jaylucy Tue 09-Jun-20 09:40:51

You are not wrong and quite frankly I am shocked that under the circumstances, that this friend is even suggesting that you carry on as if nothing is happening!
Maybe you should send a message to say that it's a great shame that you can't all meet up as usual and suggest that you make plans to meet up again , say, for Christmas ?
If this or any of your other friends are not happy with this, quite frankly I'd be wondering if they really are friends or you have just fallen into the habit of meeting up with people that you know?

lemongrove Tue 09-Jun-20 09:41:36

Meet just a few friends at a time in your garden, and follow the guidelines.Not indoors!

Acer Tue 09-Jun-20 09:41:57

We so need to follow government guidelines, to all be following the same path in order to stop the spread of this dreadful pandemic. Glad we all seem to be on the same path.

Liz46 Tue 09-Jun-20 09:43:18

I have a group of friends. We all used to work together and meet up for lunch every few weeks. We now 'zoom'. It was so funny the first time. I had had a practise with one of my daughters so my friends were quite impressed (my daughter is probably still on valium).
Some of my friends were communicating on their mobiles as well...put video on...put sound view etc. What can possibly go wrong with a bunch of 70 year olds trying something new?

DaisyL Tue 09-Jun-20 09:44:17

The free version of Zoom is good for meting friends - you only get 45 minutes but as we aren't doing much at the moment that time seems to fly by and I have a few regular groups. One is of six cousins who only see each other at weddings and funerals so we have a bit of family chat. Another group is of friends with dogs and we talk about dogs!!! It depends how much you miss other people.