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How do I tell my mom I might not have a baby?

(26 Posts)
Pinkbird741 Fri 19-Jun-20 05:30:22

Hi. I’m new here and I need advice from some grandmothers regarding my situation.
I’m 33 years old and I live with my boyfriend. We’re not married and I got divorced from my first husband and for the moment I’m not planning on remarrying. I never had children. My current boyfriend told me that he wanted a baby with me the first year we lived together. He was persistent about it. I never even mentioned kids but he mentioned it first and I thought why not? I’m at a good age for a baby but for some reason I never got pregnant. One day my mom asked if my boyfriend and I were thinking about having a baby and I said that we were already trying. I wanted to keep it a secret but I think I made a BIG mistake by telling my mom. Now she’s obsessed about having a grandchild from me. She already has a granddaughter and grandson from my brother, so it’s not like she’s never been a grandma. I noticed she’s desperate for me to become a mom and give her a grandchild.

I started going to doctors appointments since I couldn’t get pregnant. My mom has always been on top of me, she’s pushy and wants me to tell her everything. I can’t keep anything to myself. It’s frustrating sometimes.
Well, for some reason my boyfriend suddenly stopped talking about a future baby. Now he’s uninterested, avoids the subject, and doesn’t cooperate in getting checked with the doctor himself since the doctor told me he needed to also get checked. I don’t want to obligate him to have a child with me. I don’t know why he changed his mind but it could be because, as a couple, we argue a lot so our relationship is not 100% stable. Also, he already has 2 sons from a previous relationship that demand a lot from him. They are adults (ages 17 and 22) but my boyfriend treats them like kids by giving them money instead of teaching them to work and act like responsible adults. I don’t really like his parenting skills. I mentioned to my mom that his sons are spoiled and lazy and she STILL wants me to get pregnant anyway. She’s somehow delusional. She thinks a baby will bring happiness to my life. And I know raising a child is not easy.

My doctor sent me to a fertility clinic but I don’t want to continue wasting my time going to the doctor by myself if my boyfriend is not sure about having a child and doesn’t get involved. What’s the point of going by myself?? To please my mom?? All she has been doing is talk about me getting pregnant and she has even told me that she has dreams about me having babies. That’s how much she desires a baby. How will I tell her that I don’t know if I’ll have a baby anymore? She will be devastated because I told her I was having one but I didn’t know my boyfriend was going to change his mind and I don’t want my mom to resent me and him. I do love my boyfriend and I have to think hard if I’m going to stay with him but my mom being pushy with a grandchild doesn’t help.

How should I tell my mom that things have changed in a way that she can understand??? I hate telling her that my boyfriend changed his mind because she might hate him but I feel like I have no choice. Since I told her I was planning on having a baby now I have to tell her the truth about what’s happening. I hope she’s still not delusional Help me!!!

OceanMama Fri 19-Jun-20 06:19:05

You don't really owe your Mum any explanation. Since you have already told her you are trying, you could just tell her that you changed your mind. You don't have to share your medical information with her unless you want to. If she presses it, you can just tell her it's not up for discussion or that you don't want to talk about it. It really comes down to how much you want to share with your mother, which may come down to how close you are about that sort of thing.

Will she be disappointed? Maybe. It sounds like probably. But it isn't her business to have any say in your reproductive choices. I would probably acknowledge that I know she's disappointed, but you have to make decisions for your own life.

If it's not entirely your decision and you are close enough to lean on your Mum for support, it's up to you if you do that. If she is wrapped up in her wants and not able to be supportive though, maybe that's not best.

There's no right or wrong for how you should handle this. I just want to say that you don't have to tell your mother anything at all, though might like to let her know it won't be happening. No details necessary.

Lucca Fri 19-Jun-20 06:27:04

Do you really want a baby ? That’s the only relevant question.
Make that decision then discuss options properly with your boyfriend.
This has nothing to do with your mother , does it ? Tell her kindly to stop talking about it as it upsets you.

sodapop Fri 19-Jun-20 07:22:40

Given the current situation with your boyfriend you should think long and hard about having a baby Pinkbird741 . Time to be honest with your mother and tell her she is out of order and your personal life is just that. You shouldn't be pressured like this but you have shared things with your mother previously so may be you should keep things between you and your boyfriend.

Sparkling Fri 19-Jun-20 07:35:13

Do not feel pressured into having a child with this man, the warning signs are flashing loud and clear. You also need to question your relationship with him, there's a lot of minus points against thus relationship bring good for either of you. You could start again easily now, no baggage. Your mom just needs to be told that at the moment you don't want a child, maybe not ever and her pressurising you is making you unhappy. It's your life and I am sure your mother puts your happiness before her own. She made her decisions, you make yours. If after this she persists,it's interfering, tell her you can't cope with it and need a bit of time out, she will soon see the light..good luck.

Iam64 Fri 19-Jun-20 07:59:22

It's entirely your business to decide whether or not to have children.
Look at your relationship though. The warning signs are there.
Ask your mum to back off, if she doesn't tell her to back off x

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 19-Jun-20 08:37:57

2 questions
Do you really want a child?
Do you want a child whether or not you are in a relationship with the father?
Many woman have a child and don’t particularly want the father too.
Tell your Mother to back off, you are 33, not 13. If you let her have so much to say about your life she will be a nightmare if a baby arrives on the scene.

harrigran Fri 19-Jun-20 08:50:19

Just tell her straight, no babies. My DD told me, when she was a teenager, that she had no intention of having children and I accepted that.
DS is the father of my only GC, DD is a doting aunt but never became a mother and I respect her choice.

Granny23 Fri 19-Jun-20 08:55:28

I would tell her ONCE about the fertility issue, and that all this talk about babies is distressing you greatly. Ask her to please let the subject drop for now, while you come to terms with the fact that you may never have a child.

That way you are not involving her in your relationship issues and if she cares about you she will not press you for updates.

Grannynannywanny Fri 19-Jun-20 09:09:42

Pinkbird741 It sounds like you are already having doubts about your relationship with your boyfriend. Try looking at it this way. A friend confides in you that her partner persistently pressured her to have a baby then stopped talking about it and refused to cooperate in fertility investigations. And your friend admits the relationship is unstable.

Would you advise her to go ahead regardless and try for a baby? If you love your boyfriend you need to have a proper discussion with him about your relationship. And remove any possibility of having a baby till that’s sorted out as a baby will never fix an unstable relationship, it’s more likely to do the opposite.

I think your mother is secondary to all of this. Tell her if there’s anything to know you’ll tell her but for now she’s putting you under pressure and it’s not helping.

Wishing you all the best.

Jane10 Fri 19-Jun-20 09:31:00

Give your Mum some credit. She might be more understanding than you think. You were her baby once!

BlueBelle Fri 19-Jun-20 09:44:06

No I don’t agree jane her mum has it sounds been pressurising her from day 1
It’s not up to your mum to run your life and you should be CLEAR with her not unkind but clear as mums we can all be guilty of wanting to get involved When my youngest daughter left her husband she told me very clearly I don’t want to have any discussions about it, and I totally accepted that (it wasn’t.what I had in mind at all I saw myself in a supportive role but...) so i said well you know where I am if you ever do and she hasn’t That’s her choice I don’t think I discussed a whole lot with my parents when I divorced
These big life events and what can be bigger that having a child are for you and your partner only to discuss and decide and I do think you need a long think and a long discussion which your partner
Good luck

trisher Fri 19-Jun-20 09:44:50

Pinkbird741 you are only 33 you have time to have children if you want them. Tell your mum that it might be later on and that for her that might mean a second chance to be a gran when her other GCs are older. Then sort out how you feel about your partner and how he feels about children. But do give him a bit of leeway. When we don't have children we imagine they will one day be grown ups, after we have them we realise that they will always be our children and if they need help we will step in. Good luck.

BlueBelle Fri 19-Jun-20 09:45:06

With your partner not which sorry

Luckygirl Fri 19-Jun-20 10:46:22

I think your Mum is the least of your worries!

Seriously, this is not a sound relationship, and if you really would like to start a family, you need to move on - there will be someone out there who will be a good partner and husband. Your current partner is not it!

Ignore your Mum!

Newatthis Fri 19-Jun-20 11:37:22

I think you should tell your mum the truth, at least that will be one less problem for you to deal with. Then you should think about your relationship and think about whether it is strong enough to bring a child into it. Babies are forever, not just to mend relationships!

Jane10 Fri 19-Jun-20 13:23:20

BlueBelle I don't agree. The OP feels pressured but we have no idea how much the Mum is actually bothered about it. She's got grandchildren already. We all say we want grandchildren but I'm sure, as a mother, she'd understand her daughter's sad story and could be kind and supportive.
Could the OP be deflecting her own thoughts on to her mother?

ValerieF Fri 19-Jun-20 16:18:55

Call me old fashioned but I believe a child should only be considered in a stable loving environment. As you don't seem to think your relationship is, no way would I even consider bringing a child into the world especially as you seemed to be considering it just to please other people i.e. your boyfriend, initially and then your mum!

Forget the idea for now. Tell mum to butt out and think seriously about where this relationship might be going? If, in your opinion, your boyfriend doesn't do a good job of parenting his children, what do you feel might change?

There is nothing to say children are compulsory. They absolutely do not bring broken relationships closer together, they just add to the problems. Think long and hard Pinkbird.

Iam64 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:44:27

ValerieF, can I call you a sensible, compassionate woman rather than "old fashioned". Having said that, it's a way I often describe myself x

LadyBella Fri 19-Jun-20 19:48:56

ValerieF, you are absolutely right about everything.

Pinkbird741 Fri 19-Jun-20 20:22:36

I appreciate all your answers. My mom just seems very pushy about the whole pregnancy that she’s not letting me think clearly. I will tell her a little bit of what’s happening and I hope she understands. I just feel bad for letting her hopes down because she thought I was going to have a baby soon. But it’s also not my job to keep her happy.
It’s my job to make good life choices that can affect my future.

Jane10 Fri 19-Jun-20 20:28:07

Pinkbird- Mums often have other things in their lives. It may be that she mentions the baby business when you're around because you bring up the subject. Just tell her the situation and move on.

Hithere Fri 19-Jun-20 21:08:31

1. Stop sharing everything with your mother.
Your uterus status, your sexual life, medical history is not something she is entitled to know.her being your mother has 0 impact on the information you share with her.

2. Now, about you - what do YOU want?
Are you happy with your bf?
Do you want a baby?
What makes you happy?

Your bf may have changed his mind about the baby due to your mother's behaviour.
I would certainly not be too happy to have a baby with a partner whose mother has baby rabies and will certainly create problems once the baby would be here.

He also doesnt sound like he would be a responsible father and the relationship could be in trouble.

Bottom line, take a step back and concentrate on you.
What you want, not what people expects you to for them

Luckygirl Fri 19-Jun-20 22:59:39

Pinkbird741 - it really is not your job to make your mother happy; and definitely not by having babies!

Eloethan Sat 20-Jun-20 01:02:10

pinkbird It is really unfair - and unkind - of your mum to put such pressure on you.

Your relationship sounds a bit rocky and, from what you say, you are not desperate to have a child anyway. I think you are right in deciding not to continue pursuing the matter.

You should just explain the situation to your mum and say that her putting pressure on you is causing you a great deal of anxiety. It is your body, your life and your decision - she should respect that.

I don't understand why you are so worried about dashing your mum's hopes. Is she the sort of person who withdraws her love and affection if she doesn't get her own way or who you are a little afraid of? Your mum has no right to be consulted as to how you live your life - especially on an issue so life-changing as having a baby - but it seems you feel you should placate her. Do you find it difficult to be assertive with her - and other people? If so, at some stage you might benefit from talking it over with a trained counsellor.

I wish you all the best.