Please help, in-law problems.

Oh my goodness....don’t quite know where to start. The incident with the 14 year old girl, I couldn’t quite follow, but it seems whatever that was, was never resolved before you married. Am I right? However....you can’t change anything from the past, but you can from now on in. Where is your husband in all this? What’s he doing to protect his wife and little family? All I can say is, I know what it’s like to have difficult in laws, and the only thing that worked for us, after 25 years of ups and downs, was to shut the door on them. I don’t know how you can put this right. I do know, your children are vulnerable, and will start to pickup every detail as they get older. THEY are your only concern, not your husband, and certainly not his psychotic sounding family. For your own benefit, even if it’s just a trial run to start with.....separate from them. Do not let them near your children. Your husband can sort it out, with you and the children in the background. You need to enjoy your little family. They are precious. You’ll never get this time back. Look after them...and yourself. You won’t regret it, as they are the innocent ones.💐

I don’t follow some of your post. Your in-laws sound nightmarish, it’s true. But how can they possibly have the say on whether you buddy up (bubble?) with your parents, and how on earth can they make your son stand to attention when MIL enters a room? If I understand correctly, you only see them for an hour or two on a Sunday. How do they have so much influence on your lives?

It all sounds so much like a competition; one where there needs to be one competitor less - you. Let your husband spend time with his parents and expect him to support you more and also move further away and don't engage on social media.

I'm confused about the 14y old girl too.
Is she his daughter?
Having read kits of similar posts, and been in a similar situation, I would step out of the relationship and let your husband supervise the children when his parents visit.
You probably wont forgive them, and they wont change in the near future.
The situation may stabilise and stay this way until the children are older and do their own thing.
Or you can ofcourse cut them out

Thank you quizqueen. My Husband doesn’t bother with his parents at all, which initially I found very strange but I know girls are often closer to their parents, not always but mostly. He wouldn’t think to ring her speak on the phone, We don’t socialise with them because they’ve never asked us over which is fine. They are invited here for the occasion parties and the occasional bbq but something always gets said.
Unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to move, I have thought about it Many times but our home is perfect for the children to grow up in, in a lovely area and walking distance to the school.

If you don't want to cut them off then you have got to stand up for yourself and your family. Tell your husband he can visit his parents on his own and don't allow yourself to be bossed about in your own home IF you decide your MIL can visit on a Sunday. Quite honestly if someone screamed in my face that would be it. If you want to bubble with your parents why does anybody else have to know. Bit mystified about the 14 year old?

Thank you Namsnanny, my mother in laws friend used to foster children. To be honest my husband and I think that the poor girl was unfortunately made to lie by my mother in law and her friend. It’s seems like a harsh and childish thing to do to us but there’s no other explanation.
Yes I think it would be best if I stepped out etc when they visit, think Ive given enough chances.

Thank you everyone.
I’ve become vocal to my Husband regarding my upset and hurt but also my dislike of them now.
He makes out that he will stick up for me but his mother could say something and he’ll pretend he never heard it etc. My Father was exactly the same with his mother. I think because he’s never told them straight, he’s allowed them to get away with everything they do.
His parents have very thick skin and I’m unfortunately too sensitive! Nothing ever came of the incident with what the foster daughter said, the story was she had been told my husband was carrying on with some woman. Although couldn’t remember who told her and didn’t know the woman. 🤷‍♀️ My in-laws are coming tomorrow afternoon, first time seeing the kids since March.
I think his mother plays a major part In my life because I’m just so anxious from her presence!
She like to make her presence know to the kids and have their full attention, she never allowed my husband to be looked her by his fathers side of the family, something that’s now happening to her.

I agree with * Toad*, you can’t change the past, so any confrontation will lead to no where. Just learn from the past, and ask yourself do you want this to be your future. It it’s “ no”, then ad much as you don’t want to hear anyone tell you to cut off from them, there really is no other option, for the sake of your children and your sanity.

I also sends you big hugs💐. I’m so sorry you lost a child.

I'd cut them out altogether and, if they complain, tell them exactly why their company and opinions are not welcome. Just be clear and unemotional about it.

I really don’t understand the 14 year old bit. Are you suggesting she might be his daughter, or that he was in a relationship with her?

Thank you DiscoDancer1975
Yes I think that’s what I’ll have to do. I know he wouldn’t take them to their house because my husband will not want to awkwardness. Instead I’ll just go out for the couple of hours, I feel like I shouldn’t have to but I won’t be responsible for my children not seeing them. Don’t want anything more to be said against me.

Just read some of your responses. Please don’t’ step out’, and leave your in laws with your children. You’re playing straight into her hands doing that, like a divorce. You’ll never sort it out doing that, it’ll just put more pressure on your marriage.

Geekesse.... oh goodness no! For her to be his daughter he would have been 10 having her.. and no way was he in a relationship with a little girl.

Basically my mother in law decided to come up with a plan with her best friend to split us up... this I’m sure.
They got her friends foster daughter to say she had heard from a friend that she had heard my Husband had a one night stand a few weeks previous with a woman living near his parents.

At a time when he was living my me, can’t be in two places at once.
His mother knew I had come from a very mentally abusive 7 year teenage relationship with my previous boyfriend. I was cheated on left, right and centre!

If it wasnt for the fact that I knew it was impossible, found it strange how this foster girl couldn’t give me names of the people that told her and the fact that it screamed set it... I probably would have believed it and split up with him.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think what’s best is my Husband have a word with them on his own (if he willl)
Anything else happen then I will have to distance myself.
It is hurtful that they want a relationship with my husband and children alone but it is what it is, they’ll never change.

It’s been so lovely having your advice, I don’t know anyone else in this situation to talk to and my mother having gone through it herself says I have to just put up with it and smile. It’s so hard!
Thank you all 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

They certainly sound a really toxic pair, and your husband is prepared to support you to the extent that he would go along with cutting them off, so that is a definite plus. So I think he is asking you what you want to do? If you still feel you want the children to have access to their other set of grandparents, then an hour a week would seem a good compromise. It is your house, and you and your husband have the say on whether your son has to stand up when they enter the room, it is not really an issue to go along with their idea of politeness as long as he is allowed to sit down when they do!

Any nasty comments should be treated with a joint approach from you and your husband 'that is not an appropriate comment, please withdraw it or we will have to ask you to leave'.

You have 1247 hours a week without them to enjoy your children and each other's company. Only you can decide if the remaining hour is too stressful for you and the children, after you have set out ground rules. Talk it over between you and if you are still struggling, then you will have to take a break from them.

Thank you b9exchange.

It is very odd why she feels the children have to only have eyes for her when she visits. She hasn’t had much to do with my youngest being so young but it’s always been the case with my eldest. If my son follows me out the kitchen, she’s running after him. It wouldn’t bother my mother one bit of my son sat on my lap the whole time she was with us.
It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Maybe it’s going back to her past when she wouldn’t allow my Husband to go to anyone. Maybe she thought my eldest would be like her having my Husband as a child again.
It’s all very unhealthy and strange. Thank you all 💐💐
As much as I’d hate to be the horrible daughter in law that keeps her children at a distance from grandparents, I have to protect them. I would never allow her to baby sit them after the last couple of years.

Mammy5 - you have tried to be the bigger person here and have put up with a lot from your IL’s (more than most would have).
Given that you want to keep trying, maybe set up an activity for your son which would occupy them in the same room for that hour long visit? Maybe a messy play table? Painting or something? It also then gives your MIL a chance to engage with the children without it feeling like a command performance?
Ultimately I would urge you to protect your own mental health above all else. If you feel like you are strong enough don’t let them get away with the comments - say something in the moment. It doesn’t have to be argumentative, but saying something like “what do you mean by that?”. They have fallen into a cycle of resentment by the sounds of it, that’s their issue - you can only control your own reactions and behaviour.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and please don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself x

don't pander to them, her.
let your son run about, or clamber on you, as he normally would. sheis not the queen.
good idea to have some messy activity on the go when she comes.
she can either join in or not but your children are to continue their normal lives. playtime is learning time for them.
good luck.

Look, if your husband "doesn't bother with his parents" why are you so insistent on keeping up this difficult relationship?

Sit down and ask your husband how he wants to tackle the situation. If he is happy to ignore his parents, then the best thing would be to move away and stop seeing them.

It sounds to me as if you would be much happier if your stopped seeing your in-laws.

Sorry, but I think it’s kind of gone beyond “ messy tables”. I get the point, but to me, it’s not addressing the problem, but still accommodating the awful MIL and a husband who allows it.

I’d rather the children find out for themselves so I never stop them from seeing the children

I question whether this is the right decision. Perhaps it would be better to break the bond now than to do it at a later date when the children's loyalties could be challenged. And it's possible that, by allowing her access to them, you are setting them up to be hurt in future by her divisive behaviour.

You've expended enough time and emotion on these dysfunctional people. Your husband, it appears has already learnt to distance himself given "he doesn't really bother with them" so you must do the same to the extent they don't impact your welbeing.
You can't change them, so you must change your attitude to them.
Grow some emotional intelligence, basically see them as the idiots they are and treat them with the distain they treat you. The MIL just sounds so terribly insecure and jealous of your little family and thereby tries to be controlling. The FIL knows better than to disagree as his life would be hell.

They will reap just reward when your adult children see them for who they are.
The ongoing situation clearly affecting your mental health so step back a bit from them and the Social Media fray.
Seriously why do people have to broadcast the content of their day???
Only have people in your lives who offer value not those who suck the life out of you.
Good luck and don't be quite so sensitive.