Please help, in-law problems.

I’ve come to gransnet for help as a desperate daughter in law. To warn you this is a long post ?

My Husband and I have been together since 2011, originally meeting his parents I found them lovely. My Husband is from a small valley that nobody tends to leave and everyone knows each other. We became serious very quickly, he was my second boyfriend and an only child like my previous boyfriend was and never a problem with my ex’s mother.
I lived about 30 minutes away by car at the time and my Husband actually worked 5 minutes away from my parents house. Very quickly the excuse was closer to work but my husband moved in with myself and my parents. My sister had already left home and married so we were saving for a house while staying with my parents.

We would spend every weekend staying at his house with his parents I’d always look forward to the weekends. we seemed to get on great, not as loud and funny as my family are, they come across as quite posh but nice enough. I’d do her nails and her hair (that’s my job) and occasionally we’d go out shopping.
I started to notice that she started to change.. the way she dressed, her hair etc. I had very long black hair and once she said she wanted black extensions, my father in law laughed. We’d go out shopping and if I pointed to a dress I liked, she’d run to grab it etc.

Then things really started to turn strange... she’d show me photos of my Husbands ex girlfriend on her laptop but make out she stumbled across the photo by mistake then once passed the photo, she’d go back and say “do you know who this is” apparently she hated my husband ex girlfriend (no surprise there).
The next terrible thing... my mother in law has one best friend, this woman hangs on my mother in laws every word, thinks she’s simply amazing and nothing she wouldn’t do for her.
We’d sometimes go down there for drinks on a Saturday night, my husband would come too.
One Saturday afternoon as soon as we got into this friends house I was met with my mother in laws friend standing waiting for us to arrive with a very sorry looking 14 year old foster daughter. That is when I was told that my Husband had carried on! I don’t understand why his mum would hand deliver me into that situation. If that was me, I’d want to protect my son at all costs and give him a good talking to without his girlfriend present if it was true! Obviously his mum made out she was mortified and clueless but that could of spilt us up. We were shocked because my Husband was living with me, there would be no time! aswell as the fact that he isn’t like that at all, he’s such a kind and sensitive soul. I quickly clicked on to what was happening. We left straight away and when we got back to his parents house, I was still angry. My father in law asked what had happened but my mother in law quickly shut the conversation down.

We got engaged 11 months after meeting and married 2.5 years later.
the wedding planning was an absolute nightmare! you would think she was the bride! My parents are extremely laid back people but she wanted everything her way and couldn’t understand why I went mad over her wanting to wear a white dress. I just started seeing a completely different side to her from then. Looking back on my wedding video is horrible, spotting the stinking looks from her best friend as I walk down the aisle and the speeches from his dad is all about how fantastic and beautiful his wife looks etc, it’s just so shocking to watch. I was put on anti depressants from the wedding planning, but I managed to get off them to try for a baby, we fell pregnant two years later.

1st baby... she was way over the top! Buying and buying and was thrilled to find out it was a boy to carry on her family name as she said. They moved house, 20 seconds away from us by car. My son was born and all hell broke, literally! My Midwives basically told my husband to man up and sort it out because it was terrible! they would come down and pick up my sleeping baby, tell me I looked knackered and only wanted photos of my husband and son together. They didn’t like my parents being present because they were there a lot helping me over my nasty blues, my mother in law kept saying she was being denied her time with my son. I showed clear signs of depression and my family were worried sick about me whenever my in-laws would visit I would shake terrible. Gp put me straight back on antidepressants during that terrible time. There was fight after fight, his mother screamed in my face when my baby was 6 weeks old. Since then I’ve hated them, so much more have gone on it’s unreal! But for my husbands sake I act like nothing has happened. My father in law makes it clear as day he doesn’t like me and my parents as his wife can do no wrong, my mother in law is sly, very clever about it but still it’s clear.

2nd baby - we wanted a close gap and fell pregnanct just over a year later. My family were thrilled, we were thrilled... his parents were not at all! Never asked about scans, showed no interest! Unfortunately we lost our baby at 15 weeks, I went through hell! We all remember our baby and talk about baby although his parents refuse, like something that never happened. Every Christmas we hang angel wings, I have scan pictures in my living room etc never looked at by them or even talked about.

3rd baby - Probably not the best idea but I was desperate for my second baby to complete my family. I had a hard time battling extreme anxiety and worry, wouldn’t change it for the world now because I have my two beautiful children safe and well. She was better with my last pregnancy, not great but better.

Now my children are 3 and 11 months, things are just so strained with his parents. She continues to be sly, I’ve spotted stinking looks, they continue to hate my parents. Her family no longer talk to me and her friend is the same.
Social media is a pain... if I put a photo on of myself alone, myself with the children or my family with the children they won’t acknowledge it. If it’s my Husband with the children they can’t get enough.

I also find it upsetting their attitude, my children are my mini’s it’s so funny to see, how people can look so similar! My Husbands family have always refused to ever reply to a comment that my children follow their mummy in looks. Parties are hard, I’m very close to my parents and my sister. My brother in law was our best man, he’s my Husband closet friend as well as his work colleague. I find it so uncomfortable to have them over for parties that most we don’t ask them, as terrible as it is... I can’t cope with the one sided competition from her against my mother. And my father in laws snide comments to me! Luckily for him, he’s clever and does it when others can’t hear him.

I’d be so upset if this happened to my daughter and I wouldn’t dream of treating my children’s partner’s like this. It really does have such a terrible effect on a person.

Of course her relationship isn’t as good as my parents have with my children, my son acts completely different around my in-laws to my parents. She never rings or txts to see how they are just turns up very Sunday for an hour and then goes. I think she’d love to have them without me , she has in the past but things happened. I don’t feel she knows my children well enough, and that’s because I think she doesn’t like me. When they do visit, my eldest has to stand to attention that she has entered the room and he cannot go to anyone else, myself especially while she’s here.
I’m getting to the point I’m fed up, I’m hurt, I’m angry! My Husband doesn’t like confrontation but says he sides with me, that’s not always clear.
He’s offered multiple times to cut them out but that is a no! I would never allow him to do that, and I’d rather the children find out for themselves so I never stop them from seeing the children but I do not ask them for help etc ever from them anymore. Too much has happened, this post covered most but not all by a long way.

Lockdown has been blissful without them, I’ve struggled without my mum one day a week helping me, my husband is a key worker. I was not allowed to buddy up with my parents because my in-laws wouldn’t have it. I’m still a daughter and I still need my mother but she doesn’t care about that.

My question is... what do I do?
Do I confront her about all the things she’s done that still effect me? Although she won’t admit it I know.
So I just distance myself? I have no idea anymore. I don’t think things will ever be sorted and I’m waiting for them to get worse.
I just find it so hurtful that I’ve never been accepted into their family, because my husband is treated like a loved son by my parents I don’t think he gets how hurtful it is.

Although I’m no angel, the older I get the more I talk back to them and the more they probably hate me then.
I’ve been the type of person that can’t think of anything to say back at the time but after it’s done I can’t forget.

Would really love some advice from grandparents rather than going over to mumsnet where I’d probably be told to cut them off.
I realise I can’t cut them off and from seeing the children etc but it’s so hurtful to not be liked.