What's with the pressure to leave your child with the nans?

F.I.L not interested

Most older men are not bothered about babies, it gets better as kids get older.

It is lovely to look after a grandchild and, if I'm honest, I prefer to spend time with my GS when we are on our own. But don't be pushed into spending time away from your baby. They grow up so quickly. I had wonderful grandparents of my own and adored all 4 of them and I do feel they are important in a child's life. But the baby stage is gone so fast so make the most of it.

My late MIL was just the same with me. From the moment my sons were born (2 sons, now in their 30s), she wanted me to go back to work and leave them with her or in a nursery!

You must do whatever is best for you and your baby. Get the support of your husband in telling his mum to back off. This is your child, your little family. She's had her time.

Davidhs I think that may be true of many men but my own father would have taken any number of my little ones into his care if he'd been allowed!

My husband is delighted to have time alone with his grandchildren and I have two grandparent (male) friends who have looked after their grandchildren on their own too.

In the wider family, one grandfather has his grandson 3 days a week to allow his daughterto work. I think it's less uncommon than you think.

When my DD had her son I had him for 4 nights when he was 7 months old, she did burst into tears as they left ! However he was really good and didn't appear to miss his parents! I never pushed to have him, I left it up to DD to decide when she wanted me to have him. Later on I looked after him and his sister, a 14 month gap, when their parents went away, really tiring!

I suggested having my 10 month old GD just for very short periods (just an hour or so at the moment) so she get used to being cared for without her mum. Due to covid she's so used to being in her own house and only seeing Mum and Dad, that if I need to look after her at short notice for some reason she might be over-anxious.

A lot of the babies in my DD's circle are finding that their babies are struggling with separation anxiety because they've not been held by (or even seen) many other adults

So my DD comes round for the morning, and then goes to the shop or something so that she's not far away, but GD gets used to her absence and GM being her sole company.

But that's a practical reason, and DD is totally on board with it. No-one should be demanding your child to themselves.

You have parental responsibilty. That is the law. No one has the right to put you under any pressure to do anything else other than what you feel is right as a mum.

My dgc are now aged 15 and 12. When they were little I had them overnight on occasions when the parents were going out ...about 4 times a year. They enjoyed it and so did we. Lots of special treats, fun, later bedtimes ext. Before lockdown they still enjoyed the odd sleepover. But I would never have dreamed of expecting or wanting this apart when convenient to the parents. Loved to see them, had fun, exhausted ourselves and them and we were also glad to see them go home again. Being GPs is not the same as being parents. Thank goodness!! Had those days, fulfilling at the time but definitely didn't want to relive them with the grand children.

My children were quite happy to dump their offspring on me from an early age. I didn’t mind and my grandchildren are all very happy, independent and unscathed by the experience.

To be honest I think it’s a very natural thing for families to do but while you are still feeling insecure in your role as mother then carry on.

Carry on what furret? OP has already said she suffered from low self esteem

surely what she needs is praise and encouragment

Carry on as she is doing of course.

Perfectly natural for some parents to "dump" the children with grandparents.

And perfectly natural for some parents to enjoy being with their children and not want to hand them over.

Every parent should do what suits them and makes the child happy.

Personally I think it would do the OP good to see less of grandparents and more of other mums of her own age. Though I know it's difficult at the moment?

Op do what feels right for you. I was pressured horribly to leave my first with my mil and I just didn’t want to. When the pressure eased off I eventually became more comfortable with it, but it was in my own time and on my terms.

With my second Iv been happy leaving her sooner (most probably because I wasn’t hounded!). Now I love seeing the relationships my daughters have with mil but it honestly it was a really dark time when I felt they were forcing me into it.

Thanks for asking this question, I wondered this myself.

I’m echoing OP and other here wondering the same.
I also felt pressure from my IL’s to leave my infants when I had no reason to/didn’t want to. I’d be genuinely interested to hear from any grans who ask to have their GC alone and why that’s important to them.

I think it is healthy and beneficial for children to grow up in an extended family where they feel secure and loved and where they have their first extended social group before they go out into nursery, school and the wider world. However, Mum and Dad make the decisions about when they feel their child is ready to try somewhere new for a longer time than a little visit. Being at Granny's when Mum is also there is not quite the same as being with her when Mum isn't – especially overnight.

I rejoice that, in many ways, that I am the centre of family life – the matriarch. Everyone – daughter, son-in-law, ex-husband and current husband – seems to see me that way. However, it simply evolved; it was never something that I tried to put in place. Certainly, I never tried to "take over" my grandchildren but I love them and they love me – that seems pretty good for all of us.

As a grandmother, I'm 100 per cent on your side Abbie, no mother should be pressurized into leaving their baby with grandparents if they don't want to. Do what you feel is best, I just don't get the grandmothers who accuse mothers like you of being selfish, you aren't and possibly they don't have enough empathy or imagination to see things from your perspective.

To be a grandmother, one has had their shot at being a mother, so grandmothers should accept that it's not their time anymore, to argue against the mother and hector her, on the contrary is selfish on the part of the grandparent because their request is all about them and they are not taking your feelings into account. Yes it's good to have extended family around, but there needs to be respect on both sides to make that a positive experience.

Shes 48? Sees you every weekend and three times on the week? What else does she do with her life one wonders !

I am very lucky that I have had lots of alone time with my GS. I haven’t demanded it, but my daughter has been appreciative of the opportunity to rest.

It is lovely when it’s just me and darling GS. I had 2 years with lots of time with him and as a result we have a very close relationship.

I can’t speak for your MiL, but I’ve loved having my GS alone and I miss it now I’ve moved away.

I think the only thing I would say in defence of grandparents, further to my previous post, once you've been a parent, we appreciate more perhaps the endearing baby/toddler stage will be gone in the blink of an eye, and I think therefore we may savour that time more second time around whenever the opportunity to spend time with grandchildren arises. Although I think one has to bear in mind you are one giant step back and are there in a supporting role and as such shouldn't try to usurp the parent/s role.

Grandparents or other relatives calling a mother insecure, like a pp wrote, is very childish and immature.
For sure it is not going to help having a good relationship with the mother and the baby.
That is a huge mistake.

This sounds so familiar

I know I don't have 'the right' to see my DGD, but I love her, and think that she gets a lot out of coming to see us. It helps her parents as they both work full time, and I think it is always great for children to have a loving, extended family. She sees her other grandma regularly too, and I am sure we all benefit.

BlueBelle

This sounds so familiar

Because it actually happens a lot. Despite what some previous posters thing.

My MIL/FIL were like this. It cause a lot of strain in early years as I was accused of not sharing the “family baby” and of being insecure. I’m sure I was also accursed if post natal issues behind my back.

I don't think I every asked to have the GC until they were teenagers when I might offer to have them one day of half term to go shopping (never failed!). As smalls they were left by usually delighted AC who were going to get a couple of hours to themselves.