What's with the pressure to leave your child with the nans?

Here’s a link to the other thread, mentioned by Toadinthehole:-

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1288264-Sleepovers-question-from-DIL

It’s all very odd. I don’t think my parents would have been very pleased if they’d been expected to have my babies overnight, and I wouldn’t have wanted to have my grandchildren overnight either. Grandchildren are NOT your children, or your responsibility other than in an emergency.

Why not gift her a book Phillipa Gregory - The little house, might give her food for thought!!

There’s a similar thread running to this Abbie, about leaving grandchildren overnight with grandparents. My thoughts are, that we’ve had our turn, and we shouldn’t interfere. Any time I have with my grandchildren is a blessing, not a right. You just have to say NO. I’m afraid that’s it. Your child always comes first, and if it’s at the expense of your MIL’s feelings...then so be it. We spent 25 years’ trying’ with my in laws, and then gave up. Don’t do it...it’ll go nowhere.

Thanks for the offer but I have a routine and for now that doesn't include leaving my baby with other people

You could be my Daughter posting this! She is having the same issues with her in laws along with other issues that I've just posted about.
I'm her mum and I'd never dream of rocking up whenever I felt like it or insisting she let's me take the baby. And I can see she's often shattered but even so I know she's not yet comfy to be without the baby.
It's about respect.
Id find ways to fill ur days so ur not as available.

This, from your first post, "That pressure to give her bottles, give her formula instead of breastmilk, to change my parenting style to make her more available for babysitting. it made things a lot harder on me" along with your update and the 'silent treatment' say to me that MiL is being very overbearing and verging on trying to bully you.

I'm glad you've managed to put up polite resistance, so far.
Keep on resisting and cut back on sending photos & visiting MiL.

Please take the advice of so many Grans here who remember what it's like to be a young Mum and who would never dream of making demands as your MiL has done.

On the same day i posted this the topic weirdly came up because their was a misunderstanding, my partners side thought my family had babysat the little one and i had to clarify they hadnt.

Abbie To be honest, so what if your family HAD babysat? That is for you and your partner to decide.

I had to message the mil and say that neither of us are ready and that I dont need babysitters but I tried to say it in the nicest way possible. Now Im getting the silent treatment

If she wishes to remain silent I suggest that at the moment you remain silent too.

I have sent her lots of videos and pictures of the baby which she has viewed but still nothing

That is kind of you. However if she can't respond and thank you or comment positively about the lovely videos etc then I suggest that you stop sending them.

I understand that she doesnt want to miss out on the baby years, i know shes seen all her and her family babysit everyone elses babies and have them over night, she assumed itd be the same when i had mine. Even if im doing things different its mean to ignore me and althought i love her lots and know how happy she feels haveing baby vids sent, im not going to send anymore because the whole passive agressivness is annoying. Ill just hope the awkardness goes when I see her tuesday, she might be upset so I'll wait it out

You are being kind and you are bending over backwards to pacify someone who quite frankly is trying to manipulate you to get what she wants. I would step back from this behaviour. If she starts complaining, nagging, telling you to change then say once " We will tell you when we want to start using babysitters". If she keeps going say "I am not willing to discus it anymore" If she continues , leave!

I do wonder why you are round there for MIL to "see baby" quite so much …I think you need to find other commitments for yourself if that is what you want to do ...toddler groups? friends with babies? or whatever ...and spend less time trying to fit in with someone else's wants

I feel quite sad that it sounds like this precious time with your lovely baby is being taken over by this worrying about what other people want and trying to keep the peace. It can be resolved without everyone falling out with clear messages, consistent messages and a refusal to engage in the behaviours.

However, I am wondering where your partner is in this? Does he have trouble standing up to his mother? Are you presenting a united front together? If not, then this is the problem you need to think about first. Talk to him. Sort out an action plan, be consistent together as parents and most of all Enjoy your lovely baby together! .

Lucca

Any minute now there will suggestions to go non contact

Abbie I honestly think all you need to do is explain that rightly or wrongly (obviously it’s rightly but you just say that to keep the peace!) you are not ready to leave your baby at the moment. If MIL fusses explain that you feel she sees a lot of the baby and you don’t want to fall out but stand your ground.! I still don’t see why MIL Doesn’t have other things to do !!

I think if you say “rightly or wrongly” it gives someone the idea that they then get to argue their point.

Abbie stop trying to get in her good graces. It’s none of her business who babysits your child

She needs to grow up

If you read my two posts you'll see what I've suggested Hithere.

Any minute now there will suggestions to go non contact

Abbie I honestly think all you need to do is explain that rightly or wrongly (obviously it’s rightly but you just say that to keep the peace!) you are not ready to leave your baby at the moment. If MIL fusses explain that you feel she sees a lot of the baby and you don’t want to fall out but stand your ground.! I still don’t see why MIL Doesn’t have other things to do !!

Smileless, what do you suggest for OP to do?

i don't think the influence of a MIL like that is good.
so i wouldn't want a child exposed to it.
Op, just stand back a bit.
she is not your commanding officer.
you do not have to obey or appease her. nor explain/ excuse yourself. you are not answerable to her.
you see far too much of her. thereby giving her power over you, or her assuming it. go lower contact.
her expectations are her problem/issue. not yours. don't bother yourself with it.
read up on assertiveness. don't let yourself be manipulated; that is not a good role model for your child, esp a girl.

I hope you can pull back a bit Abbie and stop being so accommodating. The problem is, the more you 'give' the more will be expected and you could be making a rod for your own back.

Protect your baby that's a bit strong! The baby's GM is making unrealistic demands but there is no suggestion that the baby needs protecting from her.

No visit on Tuesday, sorry

Abbie,

Stop chasing her and giving her pictures and videos. You are feeding the monster.

More visit on Tuesday till she apologizes and adjust her expectations.

This is your baby. Not hers. What she wants is NOT important.
What other babies have experienced in her family, even if what she told you is true, doesnt matter.

Wake up your mama bear and let her roar. Protect your baby.

I hope your SO is on your side or you have a SO problem

Why are you going to see her on Tuesday?

On the same day i posted this the topic weirdly came up because their was a misunderstanding, my partners side thought my family had babysat the little one and i had to clarify they hadnt. I had to message the mil and say that neither of us are ready and that i dont need babysitters but i tried to say it in the nicest way possible. Now im getting the silent treatment, I have sent her lots of videos and pictures of the baby which she has viewed but still nothing. I understand that she doesnt want to miss out on the baby years, i know shes seen all her and her family babysit everyone elses babies and have them over night, she assumed itd be the same when i had mine. Even if im doing things different its mean to ignore me and althought i love her lots and know how happy she feels haveing baby vids sent, im not going to send anymore because the whole passive agressivness is annoying. Ill just hope the awquardness goes when i see her tuesday, she might be upset so ill wait it out .

That's great luluaugust - but some of us never wanted time to "ourselves". This is the point really.
If everyone's happy then of course everyone's happy!

I don't think I every asked to have the GC until they were teenagers when I might offer to have them one day of half term to go shopping (never failed!). As smalls they were left by usually delighted AC who were going to get a couple of hours to themselves.

BlueBelle

This sounds so familiar

Because it actually happens a lot. Despite what some previous posters thing.

My MIL/FIL were like this. It cause a lot of strain in early years as I was accused of not sharing the “family baby” and of being insecure. I’m sure I was also accursed if post natal issues behind my back.

I know I don't have 'the right' to see my DGD, but I love her, and think that she gets a lot out of coming to see us. It helps her parents as they both work full time, and I think it is always great for children to have a loving, extended family. She sees her other grandma regularly too, and I am sure we all benefit.

This sounds so familiar

Grandparents or other relatives calling a mother insecure, like a pp wrote, is very childish and immature.
For sure it is not going to help having a good relationship with the mother and the baby.
That is a huge mistake.

I think the only thing I would say in defence of grandparents, further to my previous post, once you've been a parent, we appreciate more perhaps the endearing baby/toddler stage will be gone in the blink of an eye, and I think therefore we may savour that time more second time around whenever the opportunity to spend time with grandchildren arises. Although I think one has to bear in mind you are one giant step back and are there in a supporting role and as such shouldn't try to usurp the parent/s role.