What to do???

Gran16

Madmaggie my mind is made up and were finished. He was furious when I told him but is very quiet now!
Hopefully it wont take too long for him to find somewhere to move to.
I actually feel much more in control and stronger now I have ended it and he appears to be regretting how things are .. I will be very wary until he's gone xx

Glad to read this. Have contingency plans in place and still speak with womens aid. He may be difficult to move. W.A can help advise and support you. Best wishes

Gran16

I've been on GN for a while but this is my first post ....

After many years with my partner I'm starting to question if he is worth it? I'm in my late 50s and he is slightly younger. I have GC and he has school age children who stay with us regularly.
I have come to realise how controlling he is (even in the bedroom!) despite calling me a 'control freak'. There are many instances where things crop up that we have apparently discussed that I dont remember and he has suggested I see a doctor about my memory problem. I spoke to close friends about this and they said my memory is fine!
Everything goes along well providing he is happy and I don't confront him about things and I'm starting to wonder if I should end it as I'm having doubts as to his intentions.
I would really appreciate thoughts from those who dont know either of us at all if that makes sense?

Please, please get help and get rid. It is emotional abuse and gaslighting re your memory.

He can't claim on the house etc as you say. Read this website by womens aid.

I was in domestic abuse. Finally fled after 16 years, 20 years ago. I know to well about this type of person as I was married to one. I have happily rebuilt oyr lives today.

Be warned if you do ask him to leave you may suffer a pbacklash as he might "promise to change" Try and get people on his side etc. Read this below please and good luck

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Madmaggie my mind is made up and were finished. He was furious when I told him but is very quiet now!
Hopefully it wont take too long for him to find somewhere to move to.
I actually feel much more in control and stronger now I have ended it and he appears to be regretting how things are .. I will be very wary until he's gone xx

Gran16 I don't know you but your post sounded chillingly familiar to me and sounded loud warning bells. I was once married to a man whom I adored and had 3 children with. In short, he took wretched advantage of the fact I adored him and very gradually he chipped away at my confidence. He resented any praise I received from others, he always kept a diary and started to list my 'faults' as he saw them (no one else did) at Church he presented himself as the perfect father, spouse, businessman, christian but in reality he wasnt. Luckily for me others did see through him and offered me support. My Priest, GP, his boss, etc., He would make lists of my 'failings' and leave them for me to read but refuse to discuss. He walked out of marriage guidance sessions because they dared to suggest it wasnt just me that needed counselling! We lived at that time in another country and I felt very alone. He fed on my insecurities, my mother had been domineering and cruel. He would accuse me ofbeing a bad mother (I had post natal depression which thankfully was treated) from the counselling I received because of the PN depression I became more resilient in myself and started to see how better to react to his behaviour - he did not like this. He started to accuse me of being mad and that was a very scary experience. He was offered medical help and counselling but it just incensed him. I was advised for the sake of myself & the children to consider leaving him. I thought we'd get through it.He became such a law unto himself he lost his job, even his employer had offered him counselling & treatment but he refused because he could not/would not accept he needed it. We ended up, at his insistance, selling up & returning to the UK where he told all his relatives it was my fault he'd lost his job etc. He then became a jackll & hyde person, sweetness & light to my parents, the church etc whilst secretly instructing a firm of solicitors to start divorce proceedings. I was shattered. He refused to discuss it with me and had to be ordered to leave our home by a judge. He knew my weak spots and he played on them. We had been married for 20 years. After all these years, he refuses to be in the same room as me. He told a relative he had left me before I could leave him! I am prepared tomove forward especially as we have 3 grandchildren but he still wont . Everything in his life is 'fault' & 'blame'. Escape now before it engulfs you - you are more than this. He enjoys being controlling & attempting to make you less than him. Its warped and perverted, refuse to be a casualty. I wish you strength, support, good friends and a very strong sense of self worth.

Good for you saying you're leaving him! But do beware as things became dangerous when I left my two previous abusive relationships. It triggered a horrendous 'narcissistic injury' in their fragile egos. Good luck!

I lived with a man who had me absolutely convinced I'd had nights out I had never been on (without him) , had agreed to things we had never spoken about. He eventually physically attacked me.
If you're instinct is shouting at you then listen to it. The saying is if a person is showing you who they are then see them.
Take care, good luck ?

I have increasing concerns about my sister-in-law. All sorts of things, one of them is that she is not permitted by hbbie to visit me, as it would involve three or four nights away from home.
Today I rang her on her mobile as best way to reachher. shortly after she answered I heard her say 'No,they rang me'. Evidently hubbie had come in to ask why she was on her mobile and not the landline. They are no short of money so the only reason I can think why he does not like her using the mobile is that he cannot listen into her calls, and he can with the landline

I think you should be questioning whether or not you love this man enough to accept his controlling behaviour, or whether it is impacting on your life so massively that you would be happier without him. As others have suggested, a good counsellor would give you a better idea.

It's my house and he signed a declaration of trust years ago waiving claim to any part of the house. I will take advice but am waiting to see what he says next. Yesterday he threatened getting a solicitor who would get him exactly what he wants and today he said neither of us can afford a solicitor so we should agree amicably. Will see what comes next!!

Ive been single after divorce 06,ive had a relationship which did not last,and recently considered another one ,before it even started there was controlling behaviour, i got out quick! Yes i miss someone who can hold my hand ,look at sunsets etc ,but I can go where i want and with who i want and get back when i want! I would say get out while you can.

Unfortunately there are many people in the same situation. I am one of them cannot split up because he wants half the house, and half my pension and any savings despite him having had thousands to pay off business debts. You say he cannot claim on the house but unless you have a pre nuptual agreement he probably can. Do you have anyone you could sign over the house to ? then they could sell it and you could leave just an idea

Just ask yourself, “does he see ME?” Or does he just see me in the context of what I can do for HIM?” .... I thought about this for a while before I left a long marriage, because deep down I knew the answer.

Sometimes we can feel unworthy and have to hang on to a relationship because we believe, wrongly, that we are not worth anything better. This happened to me but I found someone else years later and could not believe the difference. If a relationship makes you feel uneasy then you should probably not be in it.

Gran16 Wishing you good things in your future. I think you have made a brave and appropriate decision. The clouds will lift.

Gran16, it's obvious that things aren't right. You're wondering if he's 'worth it' and asking on here. If you were happy you just wouldn't question things - so get rid asap!

Sounds to me like I’ve heard all this before! Pretty much most of my life from my controlling father, who loved to tell me I’d never be any good.....I wanted to be a nurse...his favourite sneering comment ‘You’d never makes a nurse!” To my first husband, who not only drank but also demanded everything his way, example.....when I asked him to take me out I was told, ‘why would I want to take my wife out with me?’ I finally managed to get out of his clutches ending up working to keep a 2 year old and a baby. Not a penny from him to help keep them.
A few years later I thought I’d met the right man when after we got married I found out he was sexually controlling! His favourite was ‘when God was giving out sexual urges it’s not my fault he put me at the top of his list and you at the bottom’.
Then came husband no3, sneaky, spent money we didn’t have. I opened a joint account putting the money from the sale of my house in and paying the deposit on another for us. A couple of months later there was nothing left, he just spent it on his 2 children, getting rid of my expensive furniture, replacing it with cheap stuff! I fell out with my family over him, lost both my daughters. I left him numerous times but always came back because he promised things would change. We eventually got a beautiful home but he just couldn’t help himself, his stupidity lost him his business and we lost our beautiful home! I left again!!
The last time he said he had prostrate cancer, I came back! I’ll never know if he lied to me but I think he did because he’d never let me go to hospital with him for treatment, not even to sit in the waiting room! I stayed with him for another 20 years, looking after him like a slave, because of his gluttony he became enormous. I wasn’t even allowed to go food shopping on my own. I’d say I’m just popping to Tesco, he’d say, just give me a minute I’ll come with you. He was quietly controlling, didn’t like me driving the car, despite him being a terrible driver and having numerous crashes! He died earlier this year leaving me in debt. My father died last year leaving almost everything to my sister and her children, including his house. My children got nothing though I did get a small amount from him. I daren’t tell my husband or he would have spent it. It actually paid off my husbands debt and £5000 for his funeral. He became a local councillor 7 years ago and was so charming, the women fell on his every word, one telling me how wonderful he was, and the men thought he was wonderful too. My stepson practically organised every aspect of his funeral saying because he was so well thought of, the town would expect it! Yet he offered not one penny towards the cost despite him having a £90,000 salary!
If any one thing in this reply resonates with you, get out of that relationship and if the house is yours don’t let him back in!
I’m 74 now and have acute arthritis and a serious heart problem. All the rubbish I put up with wasn’t worth the misery. You’re better off on your own!

Hello everyone
I must say a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond.
To be fair I think I had made my decision already but this reaffirmed my belief in me.
I have spoken to close friends too and they have all reassured me that I am not losing my mind.

I have told him we are finished and he was furious, threw insults and said he will go when he's ready and after he gets what he is owed!! He's going to get a solicitor and get what he thinks he's due. I am protected but he thinks he knows best as usual!!
I definitely made the right decision.
Thanks again one and all

I think the others in this article are right.
You must put yourself first.
Years ago I was engaged to be married to a charming, funny man, But as time went by he used to say "oh don't wear that agian will you" , or "don't sit like that".
I lost a bit of weight, and I did look a lot better. Now, bearing in mind that he had fallen in love with the cuddly me, so when he said "You are not the girl you were when you lost weight" Anyone who has been on a diet knows how difficult it is to maintain the weight loss, so I was devastated when he went on to say "You are twice the girl"
Ladies, I did not marry him, I had a hunch he was going to manipulate my life.
When my mum asked why I had dumped him (because she liked him a lot) she said I had done the right thing - and I never regretted not marrying him.

Others have given good advice only wanted to say my ex couldn’t drive either and I now realise that it was yet another form of both control and laziness. I will never go out with anyone who can’t drive unless it’s on genuine medical grounds

No way we can judge without knowing both of you but advice which my driving instructor gave me many years ago and which I have found useful many times in non driving circs is 'If in doubt, don't'.

Oh Gran16, I started to feel quite stressed when I read your post as it sounds so familiar. I was in a marriage where he tried to control lots of little things , it all happened very slowly and gradually, and took me quite a while to recognise. as you say, all was well as long as it was doing what he wanted. The people close to me didn't see it. when I tried to talk to them about it, but when I got to the point of suggesting marriage counselling he tried to convince me I was going mad and to get all my friends to see it his way! Somehow that gave me the strength to get out, although he continued to try and control my life for years afterwards. It sounds to me as if you are feeling that things aren't right in this relationship ( as it takes quite a lot to write it all down for others to read), and I would heartily recommend leaving the relationship before you suffer too much damage. Life as an independent person can be lonely, but has so much to recommend it.

Thank you all for your input, as several of you have suggested I have already made up my mind and he will get his marching orders very soon.
I have been married before and in a long term relationship and vowed never to have my home under threat so have a signed and witnessed Deed of Trust preventing any claim on my home.
I am surprised at the amount of times the term gaslighting has been mentioned I had not heard of this before until my counsellor said it.
I will update you as to what happens when I tell him it's over and he needs to vacate urgently.
Thank you all again

Get a piece of paper and write pros on one side and cons on the other.
Do it over a few days when you think of things.
It may become obvious what you should do.
Good luck either way, you're obviously uncomfortable with the situation so maybe time to move on?
x

@Gran16 - most of my immediate thoughts have already been said by others. It does sound as though you have reached a point in your life where you need to break away from being unhappy. Nobody has a right to make you feel constantly bad about yourself, to put you down, manipulate you, make you doubt yourself (especially planting a big doubt around your memory and mental health). If there is a high degree of emotional abuse and possible overtones of sexual abuse, I do wonder whether physical and financial abuse will follow if they are not already present. He should not be implying you are developing amnesia/dementia as that is cruel. Has he always been like this or is this sort of behaviour getting worse as time goes on? Is there any possibility he could be ill, suffering mental health problems? Or is he just being a selfish, controlling git? Knowing how these bad traits can become habit, can escalate, if your instincts and gut-feeling are to get out before he gets even worse, before you are unable to make the changes, are more trapped etc, then start making future plans for yourself. I'm curious as to why his previous relationship ended with 3, presumably quite young, children - was he a bad husband/father there too?

You say you own your home - I would advise you to ensure your home and any finances, investments, savings etc are protected and out of his reach. If he has not made provable financial contributions, any claim he tries to make on you shouldn't be very strong.

You have been together a long time. If friends have reassured you that your memory is fine maybe you could have a heart-to-heart type chat with them if you trust them to keep your confidence. Sometimes people outside of the relationship notice behaviours that they refrain from mentioning as feel it is none of their business, they don't want to interfere or make their friend feel bad in any way. Perhaps someone in your circle of friends will echo the types of problems you have highlighted e.g. notice you are wary of challenging him, hear him put you down, think he manipulates you or the situation to his own advantage, plays on your good nature and treats you like a personal servant, butler, housekeeper and taxi driver. (I don't drive and am reliant on my better half for lifts if I need to go anywhere, but I would never take it for granted, and always check with him before confirming anything like hospital appointments).

Gransnet can be a good place to find support while you are going through tough times or a period of change. I would say have some quiet time to think everything through and get it clearer in your own mind. Then, make some decisions that are right for you, that offer you the chance of happiness and peace of mind for your future. Most couples have the odd things they disagree on, or have to compromise on, but any relationship where one person constantly has their own way and doesn't care how much the other sacrifices to ensure their happiness becomes unhealthy. Please don't allow him to literally drive you insane - take advice if you need it, continue with counselling if it is helping, Google any terms you would like further clarification on and search the Internet for any helpful information sites, support agencies, local groups, online forums etc. Maybe you could post every now and then with an update, whatever you decide to do about your current situation. I hope one way or another that your future will be happier, that you will feel safer, more confident. It can be a lonely place living in an unhappy relationship/family situation - sometimes even living alone is less lonely! Maybe it is time to put yourself first, consider your needs, your head and heart need a place of contentment, you need to feel safe in your own life. I wish you all the best

Out of the frying pan into the fire is always a danger . . . Make your plans carefully. Also, if you behave like a doormat everyone will wipe their feet on you !