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What to do???

(95 Posts)
Gran16 Sat 12-Sep-20 07:24:25

I've been on GN for a while but this is my first post ....

After many years with my partner I'm starting to question if he is worth it? I'm in my late 50s and he is slightly younger. I have GC and he has school age children who stay with us regularly.
I have come to realise how controlling he is (even in the bedroom!) despite calling me a 'control freak'. There are many instances where things crop up that we have apparently discussed that I dont remember and he has suggested I see a doctor about my memory problem. I spoke to close friends about this and they said my memory is fine!
Everything goes along well providing he is happy and I don't confront him about things and I'm starting to wonder if I should end it as I'm having doubts as to his intentions.
I would really appreciate thoughts from those who dont know either of us at all if that makes sense?

Calendargirl Sat 12-Sep-20 07:27:56

Sounds to me as though you would be better out of it. It won’t improve as more years pass, and will be easier to make the break the younger you are.

Don’t know how you stand re finances, your home etc.

Good luck.

Gran16 Sat 12-Sep-20 07:31:48

I own my house which he cant claim on and I am financially more stable. He obviously supports his children through CMS too.
A form of emotional abuse has been suggested but that is from someone who knows us so I thought it would be good to get ideas from people completely unconnected to us. Thank you.

Illte Sat 12-Sep-20 07:57:34

Because we don't know you it's hard to tell.
You might be forgetful. You might be controlling. He might be controlling and gas lighting you.

What I would say is that neither of you seem to be very happy in this relationship. Why continue? It's time to move on and find what makes you happy.

Auntieflo Sat 12-Sep-20 08:01:51

Has something happened recently that has made you question your relationship more closely?

BlueBelle Sat 12-Sep-20 08:09:11

Well I can understand you asking for advice on here but as illte has pointed out no one on here knows you or knows your situation, so support not advice is really all you can expect
It sounds like controlling behaviour, but we don’t know that nor do your friends because no one really sees both sides unless they know you both very well and in your company when these things happen
But you are questioning your relationship and your love so something must be going on , or going wrong to make you so unsure

How long have you been together ? I think that’s important if it’s a long time and you’re only just noticing it there may be more cause for concern than if you ve only been a couple for a year or two because when the honeymoon period ends the real person is seen Could it be that??

I can only think that to see a counsellor to talk over your fears and worries in depth is your best course of action They will get a much clearer picture than you can get on here

Gran16 Sat 12-Sep-20 08:10:39

Auntiflo yes recently I have stood up for myself more and it has not gone down well at all.

He does not drive and treats me like his personal taxi .. makes plans where I have to be involved without always asking if I mind or have my own plans.

After a holiday with his children he went to play sport and left me to unpack and do all the washing the day before we were both back at work.

Gran16 Sat 12-Sep-20 08:17:16

BlueBelle thank you yes support maybe would have been better question. We've been together 15 years.

I've been in counselling for a number of years anyway will speak about this at my next session. Thank you.

Illte I have been controlled most of my life by a parent, I can't imagine a time when I have been in control of others. All very worrying.

Grammaretto Sat 12-Sep-20 08:29:40

I agree with BlueBelle. Speak to an impartial, trained counsellor. It sounds an unhappy situation which will not heal itself.
Although you have been together for years, (how many years?) it sounds as though you resent the way he expects you to be "mother" to him and to his DC. I would resent that too. It doesn't sound much fun.

Illte Sat 12-Sep-20 08:35:30

Oh dear. And I just bossed you about some more😳

I hope your counsellor is helping you🙂

EllanVannin Sat 12-Sep-20 08:47:30

It's clear that this man is making you ill by HIS controlling ways and the sooner you brace yourself and gather up the strength to part company, the better as things will only get worse as the years go on and the weaker you'll get.

It has to be the most insidious behaviour by anyone and it is THEY who have a problem. Even after leaving a relationship like this it's going to take time to recognise that this hasn't been a normal way of life. I hope you can reach the right decision to save your own mental health.

V3ra Sat 12-Sep-20 08:47:57

Gran16 my husband and I unpack our own cases after a joint holiday. I would do his washing (after I'd done my own) but I work at home so it's easier to do it a bit at a time. I never do his ironing anyway.
When he goes away with friends on a golfing trip he does it all himself.

Your partner seems to take you for granted.
What if anything does he do for you, or to help you, or that you'd struggle with if he weren't there?
Would you miss him?
Does he make your life better by being in it?

fatgran57 Sat 12-Sep-20 08:57:42

I'm a bit confused - you say that you have been together for 15 years but also he has school age children. They must have been very young indeed when you got together?

His behaviour sounds like gaslighting.

You seem to be very much taken for granted also.As others have advised, perhaps see a counsellor.

Susan56 Sat 12-Sep-20 09:39:19

I think his behaviour sounds like gaslighting.

You are obviously not happy in this relationship and I think the fact you have asked for advice probably means you want the relationship to end.I can’t see his behaviour changing as he doesn’t see a problem and I can imagine as you get older it will become harder to tolerate.

I think as Ellan says you need to find the strength to end it.Confide in your friends,ask for their help and use your counselling sessions to help you through this time.

You say you have always been controlled,by your parents and now by this man.You deserve freedom to enjoy life and be in charge of your own choices.

I wish you well💐

annie55w Sat 12-Sep-20 09:40:26

Get out of it sooner rather than later.I am 2 months out of a similar relationship.It lasted 14 years and I now regret wasting my time on him.He is still trying to control me from afar.I am planning a home move but I won't be telling is too short to live like this.I am already feeling a sense of relief and peace now he is gone.Good luck and look after yourself.

walnutwhip Sat 12-Sep-20 09:45:17

What do you like about him and what do you enjoy doing together? He sounds as if he's taking you for granted and the fact that you have identified that all is well only if you agree with him rings alarm bells for me. I wonder what's keeping you in the relationship?

claresc0tt Sat 12-Sep-20 09:47:27

You say you own your house and your partner can't make a claim on it if you ended your relationship. If he's been living with you, I think he will be able to make a claim. Please check this with a solicitor.
You are your own person. You are an adult. If you are unhappy with your partner you need to change things. Life is far too short to stay in this kind of relationship! There's "freedom"and happiness waiting …

Notinthemanual Sat 12-Sep-20 09:48:06

I wish you all the luck in the world with this problem, you have my sympathies.
The only suggestion I might add is to ask whether he would be open to going to couples' counselling with you. Although from what you've said I'm guessing no. I think fatgran57 was spot on - it is gaslighting.
I read a book by HG Tudor, a self-confessed predatory narcissist who describe that tactic and the many others controlling people use. Not suggesting you sit down and read a book about it right now!
I hope your counselling gives you the support you need

BlueBelle Sat 12-Sep-20 09:48:25

I don’t think things like driving him places or unpacking and washing his clothes are too much of a trial IF you love someone and if they do things for you So he pops to the shop for your newspaper while you put the washing on etc etc Or you drive him to his meet up and he puts the shelf up you need doing So give and take is fine but if one gives gives gives and the other just takes then yes it’s not right but .......
That can only happen if you’ve always allowed it to happen

So here’s the big question have you fell out of love as then you will see absolutely everything that he does as wrong

Fatgran has a point how old were his three children when you met him 3, 2 and 1 ? If they are still school age and you ve been with him 15 years wasn’t that a clue if he wasn’t long out of a marriage with three tiny children ?
Lots of questions and things to think about

WoodLane7 Sat 12-Sep-20 09:49:48

Sounds like emotional abuse to me, the Corrie storyline (Geoff and Yasmeen) popped into my head as I was reading; my advice? get out now!

lindyloo1958 Sat 12-Sep-20 09:50:31

Blimey, you’ve mirrored the way I’m feeling. My instinct is to get out. I’m guessing yours is too. Listen to your gut. Have the courage to end it now before he drags you down further. You’ll realise how damaging the relationship was when you do. Good luck

Naninka Sat 12-Sep-20 09:51:05

Hi. I also was in a relationship where he was very controlling. He was younger than me and reminded me frequently how lucky I was to be with him!! In the end, he cheated on me and I flew into a rage... the like of which he had not seen before. He ended it then and I was a mess.

Not long after I met my present husband who is kind and caring.

What I'm saying is... there is life after an unhappy relationship and it sounds to me as though you want out. If that's the case, do it... there's always something better round the corner (in my experience).

Supernan Sat 12-Sep-20 09:51:47

My advice is get him out ASAP. You have to have witnessed this behaviour to understand. I’m sure there is a book out there that these abusive men follow. The pattern is always the same. There is so much more I could say, but for now just get him out of your life.

jocork Sat 12-Sep-20 09:53:33

One thing I've noticed, particularly recently, is that people often criticise others for things that are their own traits. I know someone for instance who was accused of bullying at work. She was not a bully but her accuser was the department bully!

It sounds to me as if your partner is controlling and he is now accusing you of being a control freak because you are now standing up for yourself. He doesn't like it because he realises he's losing control of you!

My ex husband was a bit controlling but I only realised long after our divorce. When the laws came in about coercive control and extreme cases were in the news, I recognised things he used to do. He was no where near as bad as the cases that were being quoted, but there were little things I recognised. I am so much happier without him but I had become dependant and would never have ended our relationship if he hadn't had an affair, but once I got over the shock it was a relief to be free again, to live my life the way I wanted.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Mamma7 Sat 12-Sep-20 09:54:44

This sounds like classic control behaviour or gaslighting (after an old b/w movie) My daughter ended a live in relationship after 4 years as it just got worse and worse and she became a shell of her former self - no physical violence but massive emotional abuse/isolation. I googled it and every bit of advice is end the relationship as people like this are often charming to outsiders but do not/can not change -they chip away at you until you’re totally under their control. Wish we’d taken notice of the alarm bells from the beginning but it’s often so gradual you don’t notice it’s happening.