What to do???

Haven't read all the responses but trying to convince you your memory is failing, to the extent of suggesting you see a doctor, could be a form of gaslighting if it's a regular strategy he's using.

Nobody knows but you, make your mind up and do whatever it is that you want to do. Own house make's it easier to take whatever action you have to do.

It sounds like gaslighting to me too. You really need advice from a professional.

I would only say that, if you are asking this question, you already know you need to get away from this man.

Good luck.

I think his behaviour suggests he’s ‘gaslighting‘ you. To cite memory problems on your part to cover up for his controlling behaviour is unforgivable given how high profile dementia is in the media these days - he’s obviously not the slightest bit concerned that his words may spark serious worries for you. Only you can decide whether to end the relationship, but given the fact that you have posted on here and asked friends’ opinions, you obviously have serious misgivings. Maybe sit down and have a full and frank discussion with him, and be honest about the alarm bells he’s ringing. So sorry you’re having to go through this.

Some thoughts on your situation:
You may want to ask yourself...."Am I happy in this marriage? Would I be better off without him?" Will I be happier without him?

If you can answer these honestly, you might be able to look inside your head without your heart getting in the way.

The mere fact that you're weighing the possibility of a breakup, already speaks volumes about your situation and your state of mind.

You may want to speak to both a counselor and a solicitor because your decision depends on much more than just how you feel. Your finances are just as important as is your future.

You can get much needed information without actually taking any action. If you decide to go forward, it will be an informed decision.

Sorry, what is 'gaslighting??' Never heard of it, am I an innocent??

Gran16, I think you are really wanting us to confirm what you are thinking - that your partnership has run its course. I also think that his attempts to undermine you are bullying tactics to make you feel inferior - this is totally unacceptable and you need to get out of this situation..

Perhaps have a go at approaching it like a work/business/household purchase decision and write down the pros and cons of staying? Definitely discuss it with your counsellor - especially if they have been of help in other areas.
If he has changed from being a caring,supportive husband to a controlling one, there may be a physical/psychological reason that could warrant investigation if he'll agree to that.
If it's more the case that you've become more aware of his controlling, unpleasant behaviour; the cons outweigh the pros; and he's unlikely to change or agree to counselling, then it sounds like it's time to move on.
When I was young, I thought separation and divorce only hapened to other people. I'm now in my third marriage to a wonderful man.
My first husband had an affair with a much younger woman; my second husband was controlling while saying he wanted to do things to please me, tried to alienate my children, caused me to become about £60000 worse off, was probably gay but in denial; my third husband is a wonderful, caring man with whom I have an amazing,equal relationship and my children and grandchildren adore him. I could quite easily have stayed with my second husband. We went to a retreat for couples having problems and I hoped we could sort things out. I'm so glad now that I had the courage to leave. In hindsight, I realise he was having a terrible effect on my mental health and I don't know how I would have been able to cope if I had stayed.
It's never too late to have another chance or to find contentment being on your own.

Do you have any friends who have been divorced and can recommend a good solicitor who will work on your behalf and not just go through the motions? It can make a huge difference to the outcome for your future financial stability.

Things are likely to get worse in the long term so it might be best to make your move whilst you are still able to question his conduct and have enough confidence to make a move.

Is your counselor helping with other aspects of your life?

Gran16, my first thought on reading your post is ‘gaslighting’, a form of abuse where DP has you constantly doubting yourself. I think you need to get away ASAP.

If you are seriously thinking about separating I do not think he is entitled to a share of your house, if you have been paying the mortgage and bills etc., unless he can prove otherwise Obviously things you have purchased jointly he is entitled to a half share. I have googled this before but it would be worth seeking legal advice.
I own my own home and my partner has made improvements to which we have agreed a lump sum payment should I die or we separate.
I have moments when I wonder if I would be better off single as he is obsessed about his hobby and can be incredibly selfish. On the other hand he can be the opposite. I think men and women are so different and it is finding the happy medium.
Your OH sounds quite controlling and does not seem to like the fact that you are standing up for yourself. Fifteen years is a long time and we do get used to our ways of life. If you are really unhappy and are questioning this relationship it may be time to move on. No one needs to put up with something that is making life miserable. Good luck.

Is it too much for you to write down topics you have touched upon? It seems to me that he is trying to convince you that you are going senile. paperjacketblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/29/gaslight-and-the-forgotten-abuse-2/

It seems to me that your current counseling has been helping you to come more into your own and understand the patterns that have impacted your relationship. Sounds like you are quite capable of taking care of yourself and being on your own. Perhaps that is why you are now questioning your relationship with your partner. Also, as women enter their 50s, I think we become more reflective of our past and current situation and start to understand where we want to be going forward.
I suggest that you seek counseling that will help you to understand what is right for you and enable you to put together a life plan that is best for you. Best wishes for happiness as you embark on this journey.

One of the reasons I have never married is because of a man I was engaged to when young. He started to manipulate me and isolate me from my friends. He even threatened to sleep with someone else if I went out for an evening without him. I went out and and when I next saw him he had a lovebite on his neck. I finally finished with him and he began stalking me, literally walking two paces behind me. I went to the police who weren't interested in those days because it was a "domestic". I finally overdosed, but survived. Get away from that man and find someone who respects you as an equal. You are still young.

Is your partner suffering with depression? Is there any other factor involved such as alcohol - is he a drinker?

As someone who has had more than one life partner and is now single, I much prefer being on my own.

My advice would be, if you genuinely believe there is no future for your relationship, make a plan to end it. Seek the correct advice with regard his ‘rights’ over any property you own. I wouldn’t go lining a lawyers pocket for it, as there’s plenty of free advice elsewhere.

Good luck. You only have one duty to yourself in life and that is to be happy. YOLO as my teenage daughter keeps telling me. (You Only Live Once)

Telling you your memory is poor and trying to make you feel that you have forgotten things that were never discussed is gaslighting and is one form of control. I am almost at the end of a divorce having realised that my calm, quiet husband had been gently controlling me for years but the last few years has blamed me for every argument and telling me that I have forgotten stuff that he hasn't even told me. Once I saw the light and was more aware I watched out for more of the behaviour and once decided it was definately not me or my memory started divorce proceedings. I have been unhappy for years but couldn't put my finger on anything in particular but once I told him I was divorcing him the quiet calm man the outside world sees became more of the nasty spiteful selfish man he's always been. It's done him no favours as every time he delayed things or made things awkward I've hit him where it hurts, his wallet. Another few weeks and I should be free and I'm already looking forward rather than back. Get our before he completely destroys your self estemm and makes you feel its all your fault. Good luck and find a good solicitor, they are not cheap but mine had been worth the £s

You say that someone who knows you well has suggested emotional abuse - I would suggest in that case they have a better understanding of the situation than we do. If it hasn't been mentioned, there's that term, 'gaslighting' which is a controlling form of abuse. It sounds like you are feeling used. You deserve to be happy and may be better off on your own. Only you can decide and I wish you well.

Generally speaking I'm against breaking up a long term relationship.
My husband became unbearably controlling and was very unpleasant. Then I realised he wasn't very well. In fact he was very poorly and afraid to consult a doctor.
Difficult at the moment, but is it possible to get him an MOT at your surgery?
After treatment, when he became even more unpleasant, by OH gradually regained his previous sunny disposition. Can you remember what attracted you to your's in the first place and work out why he's become so aggressive and downright nasty.
Parting is so very final.

Listen to your instincts Gran16 if its your perception there is something wrong then there is. It's not easy talking things through if your husband gets upset but I think you need to try and see where the problems are.
Good luck

I can’t tell you if you should leave but I urge you google ‘gaslighting ‘ it may help you make up your mind .

Very sorry indeed for your sad situation. It's very difficult to face such an upheaval but you have a counsellor who will help you to see what is the right thing for you. You have much to look forward to so do spend time envisaging what you want your life to be like. I'm sure your counsellor will be a great help.

Only you can weigh the pluses and minuses. I have been married for 34 years . I am bored although I work , cook , clean etc it would be great if a trip was organised for me ..even a 15 min walk to a pre -booked meal but I feel I do 1000% of the running but ..we have 5 sons together who would be devastated if we split and more for him than me.
Maybe do more with your friends and leave him to it as you may be more appreciated then . I plan to cut my hours soon but certainly won't be hanging around at home.

Gran 16 I suggest you have a look at Quora on the internet. Most of it on there is about narcissists. I was in the same position as you ten years ago. I had no idea people like this existed and was very shocked to realise that I had been living with one for 15 years. I got out of the relationship at once. It was my house we lived in and although he had never paid more than a lodger would pay, he walked away with half the value. Please find the best solicitor there is to fight your corner. They lie through their teeth in court and are very difficult to get one over on. Good luck, You will need it. Pm me if I can help in any way.

If you are asking the question 'is he worth it', I think you know that he is not. He found you - an 'older' woman with you own house- to look after him. This is not an equal, balanced relationship and it is making you unhappy and doubting yourself. You sound lovely and I hope you make the decision to live a life that brings you joy and happiness.

~Gran16

I feel truly sorry for you but once again we do not know the story from the man's side. He sounds a very unpleasant and uncaring person, but has this emerged only recently or was there no inkling of what he might be like before you got married?

Don't blame yourself. Even the happiest of marriages can go through a sticky patch for a number of reasons but can often be solved by sitting down together and talking about it before things have become as serious as your's seem to be. .t is easy to be wise after the event but I would never have committed to a man who showed any inkling of the tendencies your husband does.I think you may have taken on a control freak who can be very dangerous and you may have to consider very carefully, which includes taking legal advice, whether the time has come to end it. I doubt whether his behaviour will improvebut rather get worse.

You are still a young woman. Please don't waste your life just make a new one for yourself. Good luck!