Adult abusive kids

she is not your responsibility because she is ill.
what about all the people who have to live on PIP and have no one to sponge off; they have to manage.
the welfare system does not expect you to subsidise an adult child, even if ill.
if she really cannot manage she could approach social services. they have workers to advise and support the chronically ill.
and there are also charities and self-help groups.
it really does not help her to go on treating her as if she is a minor child.
it is a difficult situation, but you must not allow yourself to continue to be exploited.
try ringing SilverLine.
and read up on assertiveness, confidence building etc.
good luck.

That’s a thought, mumofboys. It would go down like a lead balloon but I hadn’t thought of that. Unfortunately, Covid has made everything harder and more expensive for them - as it has for everyone - and because her immune system is compromised, she has to be so careful. She has been terrified. It’s a horrible situation all round.
Because she‘s ill, is she my responsibility?

Thanks, welbeck. She had PIP before she left but it wasn’t nearly enough to live on so I was supporting her then as I am now.
You are right in what you say, but as she is unable to work because of her illness, and as she was significantly worse over here, I have felt responsible for helping her because if she gets better, it would be wonderful. I get the whiff of emotional blackmail from her but hate to think she could be like that. I can only assume that chronic illness plays havoc with relationships. She is isolated, away from home, away from friends and family, broke, homeless and ill. It’s not a nice way to live. The stakes are high for me. But I am so miserable.

Perhaps you can slowly reduce the money you give your daughter Packhorse. Say you can no longer afford it and reduce it say over 6 months to a minimum amount. They need to work out their own solutions. What will happen when you die? They wont be able yo rely on you then. Tough love is needed. Good luck.

why don't they come back to uk and claim benefits if she cannot get a job.
if she got PIP, he could get carer's allowance.
but maybe if she can just sponge off you there's no incentive to act like adults.
the present situation is unsustainable, and unfair to both you and your husband.
good luck.

EllanVannin, I know that’s right. I’m not getting any of that. She’s always been quite demanding and it was just the two of us while she was growing up so she got used to the focus being on her I suppose. And it still is. I know I give her so much. But she says it isn’t enough to meet her needs, pay for her meds, clothe and feed her etc

Chewbacca, yes. They live mainly on campsites in a caravan, sometimes my D will go into a b&b for a while if she needs to really rest which is often with her chronic fatigue. Her friend is her sole carer. He doesn’t work. There isn’t any work really. They used to be an item but it’s a platonic relationship now. I don’t pretend to understand it but he does look after her. They always need more and more money.
My DH supports me from his pension.

Msida, it's all to do with respect.

Packhorse is the money that you and your DH the only source of income that your daughter has going into her household? Does her "friend" work or are they her sole carer? I ask because, if you and your DH are supporting their entire household, that's a huge amount to find for an extended period and it's obvious that you can't continue to do that indefinitely.

Thanks for the link, Welbeck

I suppose it’s because she’s ill, welbeck. She was fine until she was a teenager and then had a virus from which she never really recovered. There was no help from the NHS here because she wasn’t ‘disabled enough’ so she relied on me - as she always has. I’m not sure whose responsibility she is. When your child, adult or not, is long term ill, and not married, you step up - don’t you.... ? But your response is what I feel deep down. I can’t bear the thought of losing her though.

Packhorse, you could try SilverLine, who give advice and support to older people.
www.thesilverline.org.uk/

frankly, to an outsider it looks as though your daughter sees you as a source of money and little more. why have you been giving away all your pension. you have to stop. she is using you.

This is my first post. I live with my second husband, have a daughter, stepdaughter, stepson and 5 step grandkids.
My adult D (only child, 40) is giving me the silent treatment.
She has been ill with a chronic auto immune condition for years and I support her by giving her my entire pension because she has so many needs including housing and medical. She chooses to live in Spain with a ‘friend’ who acts as her carer. Neither of them work. I have helped all I can. She won’t come home because she responds better in a warmer environment.
We had a horrible FaceTime conversation a couple of months ago when she got angry with me because she wants me to raise money for her and I don’t think I can do that. My DH has also given her more and more money over the years and he is now resenting it and saying we have to stop. This has not gone down well. She hasn’t spoken to me since and won’t respond to messages. I am so sad. I feel I am being made to feel guilty when I know I haven’t done anything wrong.
Her father is not on the scene and never has been.
This is making me ill. I’m experiencing physical symptoms - palpitations, insomnia, headaches. I have always been there for her. We were a single parent family for 17 years and I worked full time throughout to try to give us a reasonable life.
This has never happened before. I don’t know what to do

Msida You cannot buy love and it can be seen as a sign of weakness, especially with a predisposition to do so,

Ellanvanin you say you have never given your children cause to be rude and Horrid,, here to tell you neither have I.. quite the contrary, including sending his whole family on a £3000 holiday, buying food for them etc etc etc but still the dis respect the rudeness the lack of empathy is still there. I have tried to rise above it I have tried to.. Yes shout back just to see of that works, but alas nothing does, he has a nasty nature inherited from my brother and that's the end of it, never gonna change.

Oopsadaisy4 I did that walked away so as not to say something I regretted as nd he told me I was showing off?

Thank you to all those who commented re. D. She has a social worker now helping her. I still do not know what the issues are, as all stuff is confidential between them and her. I do hope they can help her become happy. That's all we hope for our kids.

Could anyone tell me how to have my sister apologise to me. We fell out. I said sorry. But she never says sorry or is to blame for anything. We are not really speaking right now.

If your nephew is a body builder, the aggressive behaviour you describe is common among body builders who take excessive amounts of anabolic steroids to build muscle. www.nhs.uk/conditions/anabolic-steroid-misuse/ .

I would be surprised if your daughter started to be so aggressive just out of the blue. There will be a reason, the continuation of long established pattern of behaviour, perhaps blaming you (not nnecessarily correctly) for trauma in her childhood; relationship breakdown etc. The alternative is that she, like your nephew probably has a drink or drug dependency.

I was almost punched in my face by body builder nephew when I objected to him biting his daughters arm while she was reading to me. Age 6. She started to cry. He said it was affection. I disagreed. He punched a hole into the kitchen door and started shouting at me to leave his house. I did. It was 2 years ago. Now. My girl, comes round, pushes sitting room door into my face. She missed. Shouts at me to get out of my bungalow cos she wants the place to herself. I wont let her in now, and I don't see the nephew anymore. I worry about his kids though

None of what you describe above is "rude". It is abusive behaviour and as there is physical violence puts you at risk both physically and emotionally

You don't see your nephew and you certainly are right to worry about his children. With his obvious serious anger management issues, they are at risk. You said that social services are involved, so presumably they are aware and are making judgements for the children's best interest. If you are sure of that and have no recent information then there is nothing for you to do now

Re your daughter - has she always been this way or has it developed more recently. Why is she so angry? Why is she telling you to get out of your own house? What has happened between you that has brought her to this point of behaviour? What has your relationship been like up to now? As a child? As a teenager? As she is physically demonstrating her anger then you are right to not let her in but if you want to get to the bottom of this, sustain a level of a relationship with her then perhaps you could look to getting some mediation to help you together to discuss the problems? I think the Family Mediation Service can help or at least advise on what mediation help is available to you

Sorry ! Misread ops name ,thought it was odd.

jaffacake it wasn’t the OP’s DiL who rolled her eyes at the coffee.

Quick escalation from complaint about rolling of eyes at being handed a cup of coffee to social services being aware of a 6 year old being bitten . Really ?

Fuchsiarose unfortunately I can relate to your story

My son is also 30, no respect very hurtful even though his Dad, my husband has just died, really awful.

Decisions need to be made..

- there's no answer to that! That's not passive-aggressive at all thats aggressive-aggressive, those two examples are really bad.

To all the lovely people who replied to me, those incidents I related were just trivial examples of what I thought might encourage Fusiarose to reply, not serious requests for help.