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Is this normal

(40 Posts)
ninathenana Thu 01-Oct-20 17:44:56

DD and her soon to be ex. Co-parent their two boys.
We don't know exact plans for C.......s for various reasons. The children have said they want to be with mum and our family. DD and new partner will want to spend some time with his family.
The boys father has said that "it's not on" for the children to be doing that.
Do you think it's right that he is dictating this ? I'm not sure if this is reasonable.
The boys and new man's family get on well. DD and her children have been made very welcome.

PinkCakes Thu 01-Oct-20 18:01:11

My son is separated from his 2 children (they live with their mother). They are 5 and 9, have always had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her, and whatever bloke is current. She lets my son have them for Boxing Day (so that's when we see them too. Can't your daughter do that?

Hithere Thu 01-Oct-20 18:07:09

Do they have a custody agreement? Christmas and other special ocassions are clearly shared between parents

kittylester Thu 01-Oct-20 18:14:23

Your daughter sounds very reasonable to me, nina!

DD3 has told the Arsenal that he cant introduce the children to his latest until they are a proper item. We think she is married.

Starblaze Thu 01-Oct-20 18:14:45

Christmas day should be alternated if it is to be fair and I am afraid I agree that Dad should get priority over new partners family.

So if mum gets Christmas eve/Christmas day... Dad should get boxing day and vice versa. So who each parent wants to visit should be inside that alloted time really.

Lucca Thu 01-Oct-20 18:34:08

Sorry but I’m with the dad on this one. I often think dads get a raw deal when mum moves a new partner in.

Illte Thu 01-Oct-20 18:50:27

Do you mean that they will be with you over the Christmas period and go to see dd partners family, but not see their Dad?

I expect he would be upset by that.

aggie Thu 01-Oct-20 19:05:12

I expect the children would be upset not to see Dad

Curlywhirly Thu 01-Oct-20 19:15:32

Well reverse the question - if the children were having Christmas Day with their father and his new partner and then went on to spend time with his new partner's family, would your daughter be ok with it or would she say it wasn't on? Would you think she was being unreasonable?

Jaxjacky Thu 01-Oct-20 19:30:45

I think Dad’s sometimes get a raw deal, it should be alternate years, as others have said.

MissAdventure Thu 01-Oct-20 19:39:18

I would be a put out if I was the dad.
How long has the current partner been around, if you don't mind saying?

ninathenana Thu 01-Oct-20 19:59:53

Sorry I obviously didn't explain very well.
If their father shows interest in seeing them over Christmas/New Year then of course he should. I would never dispute that. As I said, it hasn't been decided what days over the Christmas period they will be with him or DD and new partner. They will be spending some time with us but I don't think he should dictate who they see when they are with their mum. He does exactly as he pleases when they are with him, including taking them on holiday with out consultation.

Grandmabatty Thu 01-Oct-20 20:03:54

It sounds like your dd has moved on very quickly from her marriage as you are saying he is a soon to be ex. That is not a criticism, I mean she seems to be very quickly introducing her new partner to children before they have come to terms with the split. Now there may be a huge back story, however I can understand why their father is unhappy if he's being edged out of a relationship with his children. It all seems very rushed to me.

Starblaze Thu 01-Oct-20 21:06:08


Thank you for clarifying.

Dad doesn't have a say in that case, as long as the children aren't in any physical or emotional danger.

If his concerns come from things the children have said or their unhappiness, he should be trying to be positive with them but still able to address those concerns with mum.

If this is a newish breakup, it might just take a little time for all involved, both children and adults to adjust to new situations.

Be patient, it will hopefully pass

Lucca Fri 02-Oct-20 05:29:05

It’s 2nd October for goodnesss sake.

BlueBelle Fri 02-Oct-20 07:03:52

Drives you mad lucca all this angst over two days

Not really your problem to solve nina the mother and father need to sort the arrangements out themselves, but although the new partner will be around the children I don’t think his family should be in the picture yet although you haven’t said how long the new relationship has been going on

The children should have one day with their mother (and family) presumably she ll bring new partner with her, and then one day with dad (and family) and during that day new partner and your daughter can visit new partners family
There problem all solved

NanKate Fri 02-Oct-20 07:37:57

My DS and his Ex have an official Parenting Plan set up listing who has the children and when, including Christmas and many other aspects of their lives eg when they go on holiday letting the other parent know where the children will be. Having said that his Ex sometimes breaks the Plan 😠

grandtanteJE65 Fri 02-Oct-20 10:19:52

Invite your ex-SIL to your place with the children. Their mum can drop in later or on Boxing Day.

It shouldn't be a matter of either parent's "rights" but what works best and makes the majority, especially the children, happy.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 02-Oct-20 12:10:20

The children should be able to see both parents equally, if it is what they want and safe to do so, no matter what time of year.

NotSpaghetti Sat 03-Oct-20 09:42:51

You have already told us that they co-parent their two boys. It seems to me that the Christmas arrangements like all other celebratory times will be split between mum and dad.
If they can agree on shared times at Christmas, really, how they spend "their time" with the boys isup to them. I don't see that there needs to be much discussion around it once the dates and "hand over" is sorted.

GuestCorrectly Sat 03-Oct-20 10:01:08

Speaking from a place of experience, the worst thing about Christmas, albeit understandable, is everybody wants to recreate the magical experience with their bit of the family. Poor kids, some of them end up being fed Brussels sprouts 3 days in a row!

moobox Sat 03-Oct-20 10:04:58


It sounds like your dd has moved on very quickly from her marriage as you are saying he is a soon to be ex. That is not a criticism, I mean she seems to be very quickly introducing her new partner to children before they have come to terms with the split. Now there may be a huge back story, however I can understand why their father is unhappy if he's being edged out of a relationship with his children. It all seems very rushed to me.

Grandmabatty, "Soon to be ex" doesn't always equate to recently separated. My DS separated from an unsustainable 2 year marriage almost 3 years ago and has been so messed about by his soon-to-be ex and the court schedules, especially with COVID delays, that he still can't get to final financial hearing. Fortunately, the child access was agreed last year, so he has a relationship again, and the child does mix with the new family.

cupcake1 Sat 03-Oct-20 10:05:28

Since my DD split from her now ex husband they take alternate years with Christmas Boxing Day NY Day etc and Mothers/Father’s Day with the parent whose special day it is. My DD and her ex really don’t get on at all but there has never been any argument regarding whose ‘turn’ it is. I think your ex SIL has every right to see the DC on one of the days certainly more right than her partners parents. I agree he should not dictate who they see when they are with your DD unless there was abuse involved which there obviously isn’t so he should back off! Anyway who knows what C will be like anywhere this year I can’t even begin to get excited or make arrangements now - not that I get excited about it anyway!

Aepgirl Sat 03-Oct-20 10:17:15

What age are the children, ninathegran? If they are considered old enough to make these decisions the family court would
listen to them.

Lucy127 Sat 03-Oct-20 10:24:48

In my divorce the Judge gave my ex Boxing Day and myself Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He said that as I was the parent who took full time care of the children that was only right. The children knew where they were each year and never questioned it. Over the years that followed ex never gave the children a holiday, not even a weekend. They did question this. I asked him to spend more time with them. He only lived minutes away. My GP even spoke to him and asked why. She also said I needed a break for health issues. He was charming and agreed with everything. However, sadly the promised holidays never materialised, yet he jetted off around the world 2-3 times a year. Sad. So I never had any qualms having Christmas Day.