Feeling overwhelmed

My first job as a social worker was covering a maternity unit including the ante natal clinic. My focus was always on supporting parents through a range of challenges, housing, financial, physical and mental health issues, relationships etc, together with the midwives, health visitors and a range of other partners where necessary. Contrary to the image promoted by the media, social workers are not just about taking children into care or failing to do so..... This whole scapegoating campaign of my former profession has not helped parents who are struggling and then come to fear that they will lose their children. We are there to help.

A word of support for sea dragon. If your daughter is anxious about sw, please reassure her.

My daughter was off work for 18 months following birth of second child. She had very high anxiety. Now I know that this can be a marker of depression. She was on mat leave but was then entitled to a year sick pay on full salary (we checked her contract to make sure). She really needed the time off. I think your daughter should see a doctor x

Hi OP, your DD may or may not have pnd, only a health professional can confirm and treat her if deemed appropriate. If she is treated with prescribed medication, keep a watch out for how long she’s on it, as from experience, those kind of meds can be addictive... Dd only needs them to support her during this first hurdle. When she does come off the meds, I’m sure she’ll be advised to do this slowly.
May I apologise if you already know all this.
It’s not good that your DD hasn’t got good support from her partner, but as long as she’s not being undermined, that might not be a problem.
From experience, when I had my first dc, I may have been perceived to have been slightly neurotic!
I was so edgy about being the best mum I could be, and loving support from my own mum at that time was invaluable.
Especially when my marriage broke down and I was threatened (totally unwarranted) with my gorgeous darling baby being taken from me.
New mum anxiety is so intimidating. You can feel like every other mum is coping better than yourself, and even that your baby would thrive better with (you, in your daughters case) someone else.
It can be such a trying time, and all of your daughter’s fears will feel so real, and almost overwhelming.
All you can do, is keep doing what your doing.
I do very much support pp who suggested that you text her throughout the day to reassure her that all is well, especially in the early days. That 7/8 hours at work plus traveling time will drag for her, and your positive cheerful updates will be good for her...
Finally, get yourself some support too! It won’t always be easy for you either.
Even if it’s a good friend that you can sound off to, and better still, is happy to give you practical support when needed.
Wishing both you and your daughter the very best, and that most (you can never be totally free of worry as a mum!) of her worries are natural as a new mum, no matter what her status is.
Love ? and Hugs ?

I wouldn’t panic. It’s natural to feel anxious about leaving your child when returning to work. And then there’s covid so there’s even more..You don’t need to turn to medication necessarily...she may well work through it.I suspect she’ll feel a whole lot better once she’s done a week or two and sees that her child is well looked after. Perhaps you can text her during the day at intervals to reassure her that all’s well. I wouldn’t voice any of your opinions but just support and reassure her. If you are worried, she will be more so. Show some confidence as her parent, look after the baby..and apart from that, allow them time to sort their own lives out.

I feel very unsettled at some of the vocabulary here about the partner. He is 'not supportive', the OP said. Someone mentioned him 'helping look after the baby'. It is his child. It would not be 'helping' - it is his equal responsibility to do this. I hope that, even if he's not that good at baby care, that at least he does an equal share of the housework.

I agree with those who worry about PND. I didn't realise I had it till my baby was 7 months old and I was in dire need of some mild but helpful medication. I do hope your daughter gets to see someone about this.

It's a hell of a situation I'm so sorry. I gave up my work to look after my daughter..my husband was very unsupportive too. It's not right that some women have to leave their babies when all their senses tell them not to. Pragmatically I'd call it PND and it probably is, get a doctor to sign her off. These are real lives big decisions that can affect them for ever. You are a brilliant mum and between you you will cope, there are no easy answers (well except money that would mean she could look after her baby). Are the inlaws happy about looking after the baby? Their son? Cant they see the problem. This doen't by the way judge women who do want to go back to work we all have different needs and serious mental health problems can result when the needs of either choice are being over-ruled. This is a very big old problem between women having rights in the workplace and to good employment and the needs of mothers. No-one has solved it. It's tough.

She doesn't sound well enough to return to work, I suggest she tells her doctor how she's feeling and gets signed off sick. I mean I know she has reasons for not being satisfied with her life but if she's crying all the time that would be an alert for me that she actually has a depressive disorder right now.

Yes, certainly get her to see/speak to gp so that possible pnt is recorded at least.
Only tips I can give Is to keep handover brief and send lots of messages and photos during the day. I’m sure all will be well. You’re doing a great job. Best wishes to you all and let us know how it goes.

Could she do a gentle return to work, working part days then building back up? Would she not be better off getting an evening or weekend job so you could do the childcare? Could they reduce their expenses in any way?

Just do your utmost (I'm sure you will) to make her feel that she is the most important one in her baby's life. You are not aiming to replace her but to step in to help so she can work. Always make a fuss of her arrival home, showing her how excited the little one is to see her - waving from the window as you see her approach.
During the day, send little snippets of video showing a happy child or a sleeping child. I was working with a colleague on her first day back after maternity leave and those videos from the childminder made her smile and relax.
It's so tough but the little one has someone who loves him/her to look after him.
People on here saying you should work to let her stay at home are overstepping the mark IMHO - it's done now anyway. Good luck.

I don’t understand why other GNs should expect you to support your daughter financially. Of course we would all help our families out in an emergency, but the care and financial responsibility is your daughter’s and her partner’s.

Your daughter clearly needs support, and she might find that once she’s back at work she will get her confidence back.

I definitely think she should visit her gp, she shou,dnt be returning to work yet

I went back to work 5 1/5 weeks after both my children, youngest arriving over a month early. I knew I would had to return to work before I got pregnant so had to get on with it. I had a fantastic childminder who adhered to my wants as regards to my children's upbringing. Yes things were different in my times, im 61 years od now and had first onewhen I was 25 and next when I was 27. I had and still do have a fantastic relationship with both my children and theirs and I worked full time until last year when I retired at 60. It isn't easy but getting the right child care helps and spending time with the children when you are home helps, I cleaned when they were asleep or before I went to work, I worked as a nursing sister for 40 years. Its a matter of being organised and prioritising life. My childminder took photographs of both children and what they had been doing, it helped. It will b hard when she returns, but you could send her texts with photos to show her how safe the little one and at lunch time she could Facetime to see how contented the child is. She must also realise that they are not having to use strangers in the childcare situation. With regards to husband maybe he is scared of doing some thing wrong, have a little word with him and ensure he is included in all decisions, some times us mums can take over and forget about the males. Good luck. The longer she delays the inevitable the harder it will be. X

My Daughter's first baby was born in June and she struggled with her mental health throughout the pregnancy and during the first couple of months after the birth. She did get assessed for her mental health needs during the pregnancy but it was decided her issues weren't serious enough to receive support. After the birth she struggled to bond with the baby, and eventually got a telephone appointment with her GP and was put on a low level anti depressant which has helped hugely. She's now coping much better, so it's definitely worth your daughter contacting her GP.
As for her health visitor, maybe it's different in your area but my daughter had one telephone call from her's to tell her she wouldn't be visiting due to Covid and has had no contact since. The baby is now nearly four months old and hasn't had any of the normal checks - he hasn't even been weighed. The only time he's been seen by a health professional was for his vaccinations at her GP surgery, and when my daughter asked for his weight to be checked at the same time, she was told that was the health visitors job so they wouldn't do it.
Having a baby is tough at the best of times and the lack of support available currently, and having to fight far what is available, is just exacerbating all the usual anxieties.

I think it's quite natural to have anxiety about returning to work and leaving a baby. Whether she has PND is up to a doctor to decide, surely.

At least she has her mum to rely on and doesn't have to leave baby at a nursery.

She may well feel much better after a week or two back at work. Often, fears are exaggerated and the reality is a lot better and easier than anticipated. How old is your GC?

Is your DD's job something she could work from home doing ? If so that might be a halfway step to getting back to work full time. My d-i-l in the USA had to go back to work only 6 weeks after having my GD, that was all the time she could afford to take off work. I have often thought that, if men were in the same position, workplaces would be much more flexible about how long you took off after giving birth - having a baby changes a lot of things, a friend who was determined to work full time after her baby was born found she wanted to be at home - it was a shock to her as she had been adamant about going back to full time work as soon as possible. I think you will have to see how the first week or so goes as time is now so short before your DD goes back to work, if she is still so upset after that I would gently suggest she speaks to her GP, as previous replies have said, she could well be suffering from PND. We expect a great deal from new mums in my opinion.

Sounds as though she has post-natal depression. My DIL extended her maternity leave with 6 months paid sick leave, until she was able to cope - she wasn’t breast feeding.

You say she has another week before returning to work, so for this week, instead of spending 4 days with your daughter, why not take the little one on your own for either a couple of mornings or a couple of afternoons. Your daughter needs a little time apart from the baby to get used to what's about to happen.

Can I just say how lucky your daughter is to have you. What a thoughtful and kind mum you are , with the support , the reassurance and the tokens.

I returned to work twice and had zero support and was very anxious , more so on my first and it turns out I did have PND. It can often go unnoticed when there is a strong positive bond.

Wishing you both lots of luck and I’m sure with such a lovely mum by her side your daughter will get through this. X

You mention health issues and allergies.
Are they serious and part of a bigger problem? That could really bring your daughter down.
I had a child with sp needs. I cried every day. Doc gave meds and they made me dopey so said ok and stopped.
Hindsight is everything. I should have tried another. I'm on a low dose for 10 years now and it's been a revelation how life can be so much better

DD is in her 30s. I still vividly remember sobbing the night before I went back to work, when she was 3 and half months old. I imagined every single thing that could possibly go wrong. In retrospect, that sounds perfectly normal. Of course you worry about the choices you make for a tiny baby, and your hormones are still all over the place.
I breastfed her until she was 8 months, pumping milk at work for several months, and feeding her at night for several more.

Having a baby is tough at the best of times and the lack of support available currently, and having to fight far what is available, is just exacerbating all the usual anxieties.

I agree, Lynnp. My DD gave birth for the first time by Caesarian in early April and has only seen a health professional three times since - for vaccinations and at A & E with an issue with the baby. We could have no physical contact for weeks so couldn’t help her out, and she felt very isolated not being able to get out and mix with other new mums, despite having a supportive partner (working full-time). She was signed off by phone after being asked to self assess her own health. The baby was born early and small, but was just weighed on the kitchen scales till they wouldn’t go high enough for him. When she tried to get advice over the phone on an issue she was told to google it!

I feel these mothers have been failed by the system. Some of them - young, on their own, vulnerable - very badly. I’ve heard that PND rates have soared. and it’s hardly surprising. Many will have slipped through the net, and many children will be suffering in consequence.

My son is now 6 months old, comparing the experience of being at home with him to my girls is worlds apart because of the current situation.
I don't think she has pnd. It's splashed about at a drop if a hat! She's concerned- normal reaction. There's been no baby groups to go to, no social interaction. Nothing you can do or would do normally. She's been with him 24/7 since birth. No other mom's to chat to no other children for playdates. He's been a poorly baby too so lots of back and fore to the hospital.
Ask her to ask the health visitor if there are any groups now running. There's one here out of the usual 20 that would be under normal circumstances, in the local villages.

If she wants to can't to me more feel free. Parting with your first to go back to work is an enormous pressure especially when breastfeeding a poorly baby. Poor lady. I'd hate to have to go back now. Think if what she will miss out on. Possibly first steps, talking, teaching him new things, baby groups etc all the lovely cuddles and time feeding and napping together. There's a huge pressure to be the mon who can do everything. I reality we as women can only do one thing well at a time. It's a huge sacrifice to our careers and to our emotional well-being trying to be mom and work when children are so small .

As others have said your daughter should seek help to check if she has PND . I also think she should check all different types of teat on the bottles so you can give him a bottle and a nice cuddle To get him to sleep , there’s so many different ones he needs to be getting used to a bottle And dare I say pacifier now before she goes back . Also it’s so easy now to send pictures and FaceTime I’m sure that will be reassuring for her . Hope all goes well For all of you .