MIL and empty nest syndrome

Has this problem for years it eventually caused a lot of hassle with us as a couple. Stand firm as you say she’s the one who has lived her life for her son not you. My mil drive me mad she’s gone now and I was he r carerer for years and she did soften but I had no life just a lot of regrets.

I’ve sent you a private message LovelyCuppa

I was a stay at home mum, and yes, it’s hard work, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. No job could ever compare, and I was a nurse, so also a very rewarding and fulfilling job. It was hard when they started leaving, but to be honest, there’s always been one of them around for various reasons, and now I have nearly seven grandchildren, so always busy with something. To be honest....I’ve never had time to work outside my family. It hasn’t always been like this though. There’s always down times when you can feel a bit flat. Your MIL sounds like that at the moment, but things change, and before she knows it she’ll be too busy! Don’t let it burden you though..you have your own life with your husband, and one day children?

What a pity she had expectations of any kind about being a gran. I know some grans do see the GC every day and do loads of caring but many others don't. I hope she keeps in touch with the ones she already has if they are big enough to wave on zoom etc. At the moment she can't really join anything until the virus has settled, so just keep her company when you can, I expect time will sort things out.

Set your boundaries now. She will only become more demanding the older she becomes. The fact that your quiet OH has already spoken to her about her guilt trips speaks volumes.

You are only responsible for yours and OHs lives, not hers. She is an adult and responsible for her own life. Be extremely wary of becoming her surrogate 'life', and then her carer.

Stand firm!

My MiL was the same. She even use to resent the time we spent with my parents. She would get very angry when we visited them. I think her thinking was that that my husband's priority should have been with her first, his sister next and then us afterwards. She even use to insist upon sitting in between the two of us on the sofa. I think jealousy might have been involved rather than empty nest syndrome as far as my situation though. Like your Mil,the boyfriends of my SiL couldn't put a foot wrong.

This takes me back 47 years as if it were yesterday, my late mil was the same, she resented all four daughters in law having her sons, and would always say sarcastic things to us when her sons weren't around, it ended up that her sons didn’t want to visit her.

I think it is lovely of you to think about her and not at all patronising. She is lucky to have you as a DIL.
Life should just be taking a new turn for her now and perhaps she could be a little more selfish and follow anything that interests her. Life is all about new experiences.

You are also lucky that she will be willing to give good child care when grandchildren do appear!

I think if at all possible that it might be an idea to meet up for a coffee or lunch or maybe take afternoon tea round to her - just you and her and sit and have a little chat and find out just what she is feeling - maybe if she begins to see you as a friend rather than enemy it might help everyone.
Being in her 50s is a difficult time - she'll be feeling left behind with most things.
Maybe encourage her to have a go at learning new things be it a craft or just learn how to use a computer - there are quite a few online courses where she can learn the basics if she doesn't know where to start.
Looking for a job would be hard - sadly, her age is against her as age discrimination is pretty rife I have found , unless in retail jobs. So maybe seeing where volunteers are needed is a good idea and going along with her to help her make the first step across the threshold?
A visit to her GP might also be an idea.
All in all, she is lucky to have a caring DiL that wants to help rather than make a battle - get the rest of the family involved too. It won't get instant results but stick to it, do it with kindness and hopefully MiL will see the next step in her life opening up.

sounds to me ,like a case of all her life has been about being a mother.I wonder why she has not wanted to do something for herself during her life? Anxiety about facing the world like you say?The chance of easing her out of her life situation in her 50's would be very difficult to say the least,like said it would have to be about getting out more,voluntary work etc. although you are concerned ,you cannot do it for her.I would say professional help of some sort may help?

How about suggesting she use her vast experience of competent child care/development to volunteer in a local primary school just listening to the children read and catch up after the covid situation. I too had little self confidence in myself or my abilities when the children were younger so helped out in a school and from there I ended up working for Social Care. It's good to have qualifications but the wealth of experience can help so much more.

I was thinking along the same lines as SooozedaFlooze. If she's only in her fifties and dotes on children, would she consider fostering? Or train as a class room assistant? I know there are problems with volunteering at the moment with a lot of charities such as animal charities due to Covid19, but if she likes animals she could volunteer as a fosterer for the Cinnamon Trust or similar.

I think she should become a volunteer. I spent 6 years giving out wheelchairs for the Red Cross. I now volunteer for Independent Age and visit a lady in her own home. That has had to stop because of the restrictions but for now I phone her for a chat every week. There are so many volunteering things that can be done. It takes my focus off myself and helps to give my week structure. I think everyone needs a structure to their week and I know that has been badly disrupted by the pandemic. For now I just think we all need to have probably a different structure to our days. Oh and keep on keeping on.

A Gentle Reminder. This lady is you partner's mother. She sounds as though she has separation issues with her sons. Kind as your concern is - never forget to put your own welfare and mental balance before hers.

I don’t understand why she doesn’t have a job or the need to work.
Doing some kind of work would be beneficial.
Even voluntary work.

Is she comfortably of. Financially that is?

Empty nest is like a grief. A huge life change. Be kind to your mil and be a friend. She may well enjoy being useful to her grown up family, and it is so flattering to be asked for help or advice by one's children and their partners. She will realise that this is a natural life stage and start to count her blessings again, including having a kind, caring dil. This could be you one day!

And adding menopause into the mix can make the emotions she has run very deep. Probably just needs to know she is still loved and wanted.

Dont we all know that empty nest syndrome exists?

Why not recognize the symptoms and address it without burdening other family members on enabling it vs mil being walked on eggshells around it so as not to upset her?

Why does the OP need to guide and support her MIL through it?

Is OP the parent of mil to teach her how to get through it?

If so, where is the son in the picture? Why does it have to be on dil's plate?

Perhaps she’s just lonely - she can’t go out to meet friends or join clubs at the moment.

I do have some experience of the way your MIL is behaving. One of four siblings, three brothers, my DM, whom I loved beyond words, did have a problem adjusting to her children's adult choices. Three of us born on the cusp of WW2 in which my father served for six years. She was the centre of our world and a good caring and capable mother - no one could have had better.

Unfortunately, girlfriends and boyfriend were a very different issue and not welcomed and never quite good enough. It made life very, very difficult indeed because we loved her and wanted to please her. Her YS the only one to find his wife eventually accepted. My LH also finally accepted and whom she came to depend upon.

Sadly, she showed no interest in most of her grandchildren, and my D the only one of eight to have a relationship with her grandmother. All three of her sons deserted their M completely, and when she died she hadn't either seen or heard any thing from in years. The strange thing is when in her final weeks I asked if she wanted to see the boys her reply " No, I forget I have any sons - and I say that with no ill feeling toward either". I sincerely believe my mother would have been quite happy if neither of her children had married. They were simply, her children no matter the age and that is all she was interested in.

It would be lovely to tell you that in the end it all came together, sadly that is not my experience. And I think you may find it easier to leave well alone and get on with your own life. Invite her to join in when you can, and encourage your husband to see her, but do not expect any great change - that road likely to lead to disappointment.

My paternal grandmother was like that, except she was happy for her boys to marry, but only within her friendship group. She wanted my DF to marry the daughter of her bestfriend and never approved of my mother - she wore lipstick and was pretty and vivacious -. This dislike of my mother transferred to me because I could be described as vivaceous, although bouncy or noisy was usually used and I was interested in clothes and fripperies like that.

Maybe a memory box.get her to put photos in albums .I know not many do these days but she needs a hobby. How about making craft cards for MacMillan ?

I am assuming that the mother in law has had at least four children; there is no mention of a husband so perhaps she has had to bring them up alone, which would account for the lack of a job. Or was/is the husband difficult?
Do you ever invite her round to your home for a meal; I don't mean a casual drop in, which has no boundaries, but a proper invitation for a Sunday, say; to give her something to look forward to. Just a suggestion.

My Mum (bless her) was like this too. She didn't like my MiL or my sister's MiL. Later she didn't like my daughter's MiL either, or my niece's MiL. But she had absolutely no problem with all the FsiL! We put it down to insecurity - a fear that the "other women" in their lives would be more favoured than herself.

I think she is seeing her children as leaving her never to be seen again

Think she needs to see beyond that, as we all k ow what actually happens is Yes they do go for a while but then they come back, and they bring with them grandchildren

And so if she is made aware that this is usually what happens it might calm her down

For me the way I got through that period was I knew it was coming and I was OK with them going

She just needs some kindness and for someone to spend some time with her and help her deal with this time in her life