Porn and dirty films

I doubt that talking to her DH about his porn usage will produce any deep, meaningful revelations.

Men watch porn because they like to see (usually young) women naked and performing sex acts. Simple as that most of the time. It's like asking someone why they like chocolate and expecting a philosophical debate.

Yes, men can turn to porn if their sex life has diminished or dried up but that's a bit of an old trope. The fact is that porn is stimulating, readily available and addictive. It is more likely to cause problems in real life sex than to help or enhance it.

Now he's found it (and he's probably been watching it for years) he's unlikely to give it up but he's very likely to make promises and say just what the OP wants to hear.

Porn is demeaning to women and many of the women in the content are abused or trafficked. It's become a big problem with young men whose views of women and expectations of sexual relationships are informed through that medium.

Most women will see their partner watching "perfect" 20 year olds performing on the screen and will assume he is drawing a comparison to her body. That's natural and psychologically very damaging.

I hope you are doing OK P1234
I know you are still here on Gransnet.

This thread is 4 years old they re probably divorced by now
Why resurrect it ? Or more importantly how did you find it ?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

What kind of men do these people know? Every man I know would be horrified at the 'seek it elsewhere' trope.

Fecklar Pornography requires the abuse of women, girls and children. Are you happy to accept that that abuse should take place because It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women, even were that true?

Fecklar, that's a nonsensical post. It isn't about controlling what men do. It's about not having any kind of relationship with men who abuse women.

Fecklar I am sorry but your facts are utter nonsense. And from the victorian age.
Strangely enough the threat that a man like that would leave us is for most of us no threat at all but a blessed relief.

I have learned that one cannot control what men do. The more you try the more furtive they become. Perhaps one approach is to ask him is he feeling inadequate in some way or worried about his ability to perform and why or his waning manhood? Perhaps this approach might get him to open up or let him know that one associates his need for porn is because of some form inadequacy on his behalf. It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women if the woman they’re with is not willing then they’ll seek it elsewhere.

Turns some men on (too much pornography watching?), not sure that many women enjoy it, they are the ones bearing the brunt of the roughness and doing the dying, a bit like the justification that women like being raped. Another male trope. Thankfully that was kicked out of court a long time ago.

It's hard to believe that so called 'consensual rough sex' could ever have been used as a defence in a murder or manslaughter trial.
I simply can't accept it can ever be seen as part of a loving relationship.

In July this year the law was changed so that claiming that 'rough sex' led to the accidental death of a woman (and it always the woman that is killed) can no longer be used as a defence in a murder/manslaughter trial.

There was recently a documentary about strangulation during the sex act. It was also said that if death occurred during this act the courts had to decide if it was wilful. It was said that the boys/men acted out this strangulation because the victim wanted it. The porn industry have increased this occurrence massively using this method of domination in their filming and young boys and girls see it as normal. It gives the dominant one the feeling of power and excitement. As we know young people are very influenced by this easy access to porn. Personally I don’t think it has a place in a relationship where two people respect and love each other. I know that many men would disagree but that is down to them usually portrayed as the dominant one and the woman as the one simply for their pleasure. Gone are the days with dirty mags with photos to films that are increasing violence and degradation towards women. Of course some men would not see that as a problem as it’s only a film, right? The increase in young girls pressured to shave was found to be through men wanting to view everything whilst having sex and the porn industry. The thought of a man old enough to be a dad/grandad viewing this stuff I think separate reality and fantasy

P1234, either you discuss your sex life with him, or you let sleeping dogs lie.

What you do about the porn films depends on what is going on in your relationship. At least I'd say to him I hope he knows the difference between porn and real life.

P1234 there is plenty of support on here, also mumsnet womans rights section can be very helpful if you need advice .

Davidhs - no need for that kind of nonsense mansplaining here

Complete agree Iam64

Nothing to add but support for the posts fromLuckygirl, PECS, MOnica and others who point out the damage porn causes to many people and to the women particularly, who are involved in that work

Davidhs - no need for that kind of nonsense mansplaining here

Thank you lovely GM's for your comments. Given me lots to think about.

FavidHS I totally disagree with almost every word of your post
Porn is a fact of life, most men and some women view it, every woman has to cope with it, younger women have grown up with porn and have learned how to handle it.

Every woman does not have to cope with it and your comments about young women is so far away from the truth it defies belief. Go back and read PECS or Luckygirl's posts - and then reread them and read them again and again.

It is your complacent attitude to porn that fuels the industry in all its forms. Even if your complacent attitude doesn't mean you use it yourself, it allows the exploitation of women and, often, young girls in all sorts of ways, it supports the trafficking of women and mental health issues in young girls in adolescence.

More than anything though, it corrupts young boys who assume that what they see on film is normal. What they see on film, is not just sex but a world of abuse where men are dominant women are submissive, and must be forced to do as they are told. It normalises the abuse and control of women.

Brilliant posts Luckygirl and TwiceasNice. Well said. There is a lot of pressure being put on young teenage girls today to do things they don't want to do in order to please their boyfriends.... and on women of all ages.

Nobody should have to get used to that.

I’m no stiff blouse but I work with young people and boys have completely unrealistic expectations about sex because of such easy access to porn and it’s not helpful to either boys or girls when they are trying to form relationships. Porn doesn’t show any consideration/ love just the mechanics and don’t get me started on the more extreme/ violent porn available. Nobody should have to put up with that or “ get used to it” .

Brilliant post Luckygirl
(Not bad for a 'stiff blouse')

OP - you are right to feel unhappy about this. Pornography is destructive. It undermines and destroys relationships and leaves young people who are exposed to it with distorted views about what loving relationships are about.

It so often puts women and girls under pressure to do things that they do not want to do and left feeling inadequate. This arises because the men/boys see things on their porn channels and then feel deprived if their partners are not doing the same things for them. Hence the undermining of relationships. They find themselves unable to distinguish between things that actors do because they are being paid for it (or worse still not being paid, but being provided with drugs to feed a habit that keeps them locked in), and loving relationships based on mutual respect.

I can attest to these things from my professional life, which involved counselling. Porn is destructive, as you have found out.

The important thing is that you do not feel bad, or some sort of prude, because you are unhappy about this. You have a right to your feelings and to express them.

You need to tell your OH what your views on it are and proceed according to his response. If between you you are able to come up with a way forward that is acceptable to both, then that is fine; if you find that this is not possible then it is an entirely valid reason for ending a relationship - although I recognise how hard this must be after so many years.

What you must beware of - and what so often happens - is allowing him to make you feel that it is you who have a problem - that you are a narrow-minded prude. Do not buy that one! You have a right to your own feelings.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Stiff blouses. How original and witty.

Find out more like why he views it what he likes about it and how it helps him if at all in your relationship. Don’t listen to the stiff blouses on here. Could be worse could be gambling your money, using prostitutes or drugs. 45 years is a long time. Not for one second suggesting that means you should stay as you’ve got many years ahead of you. BUT it isn’t the end of the world. Also I wonder if he let you find out on purpose?