Porn and dirty films

I think if you feel that way then that is how you feel. There will be lots of people along who will tell you it's all ok and everyone does it. But you are entitled to your own boundaries. I loathe porn and everything it stands for. I am sorry you are feeling like this

Of course you should, they demean women, and by extension you, but do not have a row with him, sit down and ask him to explain why he does it and listen to what he is saying and then think about how you want to handle it.

There is no right or wrong in a person's feeling on discovering unexpected behaviour/ actions in their partner. If he has been secretive about it, it suggests he knew you would be upset.
I would feel hurt and decieved.

I agree with MOnica porn is demeaning and unpleasant but talk to your husband P1234 are you sure it is porn and not just sexy films. If this is something new maybe you could talk about what sparked it off.

I feel for you OP. There is no easy answer to your troubled emotions right now. Talking it over with your man might help but the urge and his fascination might be very hard for him to set aside. If it starts to affect your intimate life, if you have one, that too can be distressing. Believe me, I know.
I had a chap in my life years ago who secretly was looking at porn. We talked about it but he continued even though he knew it was badly affecting our relationship which was otherwise happy & longstanding. In the end I had to finish with him because he was always looking at it to the detriment of anything else, day & night. I appreciate you might not be able to finish your vintage relationship so I wish you well for a way forward with your man. I empathise with your confusion so good luck with that ....

Fully agree with with Pecs - there is no “should” here. Your feelings are exactly that, your own personal feelings.
Is it the porn or the secrecy that bothers you, or both? I’m afraid an awkward conversation with your husband is the way forward to resolve this - he may be looking for more physical or emotional intimacy from you and this has been a substitute. The only way to find out is to discuss it.

Are you new P1234?

Porn is a fact of life, most men and some women view it, every woman has to cope with it, younger women have grown up with porn and have learned how to handle it.
There are two ways it will harm your relationship, your husband may loose his interest in you, or you loose interest in him. If he continues to be an attentive loving partner don’t make an issue of it

P1234 has posted before on towels thing.

I don’t why you need ask really. If you feel hurt then that’s fine. I’d feel a bit sick personally.

I don't think it's watching porn that's the issue but how it makes you feel. You need to talk to him.

Davidhs 'If he continues to be an attentive loving partner don't make an issue of it'

Given that the porn viewer has been married for 45 years, he is not young. I'd call him a dirty old man, and jump ship. You could still be friends, if you wished to.

As I've got older, I would sacrifice no time of my own precious life to "try and make it work".

I'm sorry you have has this shock P1234.

David the damage done by porn to young women is horrific. Young women do not have to learn to cope with it. Imagine telling someone they have to learn cope with something in regards to sex.

Galaxy I'm glad that you picked up on this. I was too angry for words!

I suggest you look at the Porn thread on Mumsnet the age range overlaps with Gransnet so the opinions are just as relevant.
Porn is not going to go away.

I suggest you look at any thread on mumsnet relating to womens rights and see the discussions on the effect of porn on young women. I am also crying with laughter that you are trying to explain mumsnet to me.

Smashing bit of mansplaining there.

Sorry P1234.
You are more than entitled to be upset. It is not something that you have to 'cope' with, or ignore.

Thanks fanny, you reminded me that this is about op not a debate. Sorry about that op. You are entitled to your feelings and boundaries . Talking about how you feel is probably the first step.

david I have 2 DDs & 2 DGDs. They have not accepted porn nor
" grown up with it"
Easier access to pornographic material is a big problem & not something to just accept as 'normal'.
Young lads csn access hard core porn quite easily & then expect teen girls to be like the women in films. Not niceat all.
Whilst there will be some women.in the porn industry who feel they have made a conscious choice to participate the majority are more likely to be 'groomed' or in other ways desperate young girls/women.

It is now a long way from the mags in the papershop & films called My Life as a Window Cleaner/ Milkman etc.

Porn always demeans.

Find out more like why he views it what he likes about it and how it helps him if at all in your relationship. Don’t listen to the stiff blouses on here. Could be worse could be gambling your money, using prostitutes or drugs. 45 years is a long time. Not for one second suggesting that means you should stay as you’ve got many years ahead of you. BUT it isn’t the end of the world. Also I wonder if he let you find out on purpose?

Stiff blouses. How original and witty.

OP - you are right to feel unhappy about this. Pornography is destructive. It undermines and destroys relationships and leaves young people who are exposed to it with distorted views about what loving relationships are about.

It so often puts women and girls under pressure to do things that they do not want to do and left feeling inadequate. This arises because the men/boys see things on their porn channels and then feel deprived if their partners are not doing the same things for them. Hence the undermining of relationships. They find themselves unable to distinguish between things that actors do because they are being paid for it (or worse still not being paid, but being provided with drugs to feed a habit that keeps them locked in), and loving relationships based on mutual respect.

I can attest to these things from my professional life, which involved counselling. Porn is destructive, as you have found out.

The important thing is that you do not feel bad, or some sort of prude, because you are unhappy about this. You have a right to your feelings and to express them.

You need to tell your OH what your views on it are and proceed according to his response. If between you you are able to come up with a way forward that is acceptable to both, then that is fine; if you find that this is not possible then it is an entirely valid reason for ending a relationship - although I recognise how hard this must be after so many years.

What you must beware of - and what so often happens - is allowing him to make you feel that it is you who have a problem - that you are a narrow-minded prude. Do not buy that one! You have a right to your own feelings.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Brilliant post Luckygirl
(Not bad for a 'stiff blouse')