Self-centred daughter? Am I wrong to resent her?

Taffy I do understand how unhappy you are and I am sorry for the illness, pain and sight problems that you are enduring.

It is hard for you that your daughter feels the need to withdraw but if she has told you that this is to protect her mental health then she is clearly struggling too in her own way, which could be for many reasons.

It is your husband who should be caring for you and helping. The fact that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to you does not make your daughter a viable alternative for support for you, just because when she is there he doesn't do it.

I do think that your resentment/hurt/anger is more appropriately levelled at your husband than at your daughter. Be careful not to drive her further way by focusing on what you want from her rather than on what you DON'T want from your husband.

I hope your health and circumstances improve.

You label your daughter as "self-centered" in the title, what about her is "self-centered"? You said she has withdrawn for her own mental health.

If your daughters mental health is suffering, is it possible that calling her "self-centered" and being admittedly resentful of her might drive her further away?

Perhaps living in an unstable home growing up she felt put in the middle or expected to be a referee or buffer between you and your husband? That is an enormous and unreasonable responsibility for a child to take on.

It's clear you are hurting but resenting your daughter for her hurt and how she is dealing with it is unfair. She's the child and you are the parent.

You asked if you are wrong to resent her and the answer is yes.

Taffy, Your daughter comes first, help her to break away, give her support. You chose to stay and let her suffer abuse. She had no choice. Shouting and losing your temper and thowing things is abuse. my heart goes out to her, she must have been so frightened. If you need help apart from your husband, get a carer. Nothing comes before your children's well being.

Covid can affect mental health, from what I've read, so that could also explain the anxiety.

I think your long time ill health, plus getting covid, isnt helping . There is fear of covid , and the daughter may fear getting it. Do you have long covid?
If so, I think there is a need for compassion for you Taffy. Could your daughter stay in touch by phone or internet. It must be horrible having so many ill health problems and going into lockdown again will not bring your operation any closer. Stay calm, listen to music, so your H comments fall on deaf ears. Until you can sort his abuse of you. I just had an operation, was worried about catching MRSA or Covid. I came home as soon as I could. I have tremendous pain, but never tell family. I would be dumped in a Care Home. Stay strong. Do not worry about things that have not happened yet. Your anxiety and stress is there because the operation is the focus of your worry. My mother had cataracts removed, and as we spaced it out over 6 months so that she could cope. She had dementia, and curing one eye to allow her to see her garden was a great success. Second eye done months later. She had 2 tablets for sedation each time and sailed through the ops without a care. Ask for what you want when the time comes. Sort H out at later date with two good eyes. Take care

Bluebelle so I am not alone! I have the astigmatism as well. Cataract in left eye has advanced very quickly and is said to be quite big now. I have no idea what verdict will be for removal. I have worn thick glasses since I was 3 years and would be thrilled for the sight improvement surgery could bring.

Thistledown just so you don’t feel lonely I m -12 in both eyes, and astigmatism small cataracts which they won’t work on, because I ve had torn retinas a number of times ....bloody eyes eh I manage with contacts and reading glasses for small print but get by pretty well really no one ever knows I ve got such crap eyes ???
Completely off topic sorry taffy

Ok. I have 2 cataracts also and am awaiting surgery. I think my appointment at the hospital will be in about one month's time. I also have suspected MS or Dementia on the way (according to current damage in the scan). I have various other health issues and have had 3 significant falls. My point comes back to your eyesight. My own is -12 which is pretty bad and now I have cataracts on top. The thing is I have a pair of spectacles and also contact lenses so I can get about my daily business just fine (oh yes I have significant mental health issues and I am a recovering alcoholic who has not taken a drink for 5 years) I have 5 adult children. One has no contact with me but I live in hope. I have good relations with the other 4 and 4 of my grandchildren. I don't have an abusive husband though and I am not recovering from covid. So I do have some empathy. If you cannot cope at home with your situation and your own care needs then I think you should ask for an assessment by social services. Carers might be provided and their presence might give you support with your husband and deciding what you want. As for me, well I do not get much practical support from my kids. They have their own lives so I get on with mine and try and cope as best I can. I don't have a lot of money but with what I do have I make my own decisions and choices. In your head and heart you probably know what the issue is between yourself and your daughter. Covid has been hard on everyone and maybe you do not realise how fragile your daughter is feeling. With the exception of one son I can honestly say I have a good handle on issues that matter to my children. So I think it would be best to reconsider your attitude and perspective. You will be able to do this as an intelligent female.

Your husband is obviously the problem here, not your daughter. By your description of his behaviour there is little doubt that he is abusive. How many times has your daughter told you to leave him? Is this why she is moving out ? You are a professional woman, an intelligent woman, pick up the phone, make an appointment with a solicitor and fight your own battles, two cataracts is not his excuse for shouting and throwing things, and not yours for staying and allowing him to do it. This is your battle, it sounds as if it has been going on for a long time and maybe by being at home, unable to function as you wish, has made you realise what your daughter has realised for a long time; you are married to a bully. Stop now.

Smiless. If the daughter grew up around that. Even if not in sight then it would have effected her. Even now as an adult why would she want to be anywhere near them?

She is finally free and protecting herself.

Just look at the wording the OP uses. It speaks volumes.

I sympathise Taffy Seems you have lost your previous independent life and because of your illnesses have become very anxious. It's not a good place to be when you are dependent on your abusive husband.
As others have said you really need to sort out your relationship with your husband which understandably worries you because of the support you need.
BlueBelle had some good suggestions about talking to a counsellor, friends, Women's Aid etc I hope things improve for you.

Taffy, I think you are managing very well with two cataracts. Well done for managing to type your message and read the replies. If you can do this can you perhaps do a little more and let your husband and daughter have a little rest. It’s a very difficult situation for you all and perhaps a little break will let your daughter reset her head and thus be able to help you in the future, particularly when you have had your cataracts operations. Will the doctors do them both at once or stagger the ops so that you don’t have to cover them both at the same time. If I remember rightly you have to wear an eye patch for a few days. Hope you get your op soon and lockdown doesn’t affect the timing.

But * Taffy*, it sounds like your daughter has endured enough, and now wants to be out. Sort out your relationship with your husband, and maybe everything else will fall into place.

I think that all your withheld anger at your husbands behaviour and treatment of you is misplaced in blaming your daughter for leaving a sinking ship
Why do you stay with this abusive husband, is it fear of being alone because if it is that’s sounds far better than what you have now (he is abusive without laying hands on you) You have been mentally whipped by him you are obviously an intelligent professional lady who has become ill and that has caused you to lose confidence and become needy but staying is surely not the best way forward
You need to find attention and support outside your husband and daughter (who obviously isn’t strong enough to help you)
Have you considered counselling not couple counselling but just for you alone
hithere is right your daughters role is not to save you, only you can do that maybe she’s tired of trying and getting nowhere
Can you talk to Women’s Aid they work with mental abuse as well as physical
Do you have friends

Taffy has said her D could come and see her and support her and her H would back off. That suggests to me Bibbity that his abusive behaviour toward his wife does not happen in front of their D.

I don't understand why you have posted "it may have been very 'unkind' to force her to grow up being abused" when there's no suggestion that the D has been abused or witnessed her mother's abuse at her father's hands.

Taffy your second post certainly suggests that your emotional reserves have been severely depleted by your physical problems including Covid. Even if your D has been unable to be supportive in person, are in you in regular contact in other ways; email, text messages, 'phone calls?

I hope so .

I don't think your daughter is being self centred. She has watched your relationship harm you, that relationship has probably hurt her significantly more than you realise.

Our children aren't here to support us emotionally. We form adult relationships for all that. Your daughter cannot carry all your needs because you haven't formed positive relationships with other adults.

We are also in a pandemic and there are rules and huge amounts of stress as it is. If your daughter is already struggling, pushing may make things so much worse.

Men who are verbally abusive and throw things are abusers, full stop. You say he isn't physically abusive but throwing and smashing things is very frightening, there is always the risk that rather than break and damage items, the out of control person will attack the focus of their rage. That could have been you Taffy, and if your daughter grew up with this as a backdrop, she will surely have feared her dad might attack you, or her.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I do feel you aren't being fair to your daughter, to expect her to come to you as a means of making her dad behave better. (my paraphrase of your comment earlier)
You have to look after yourself in this. Its hard to change the habits of a life time but if you had a professional career and became a magistrate you must have a level of confidence. Get some help for yourself and stop putting up with his dreadful bullying, abusive behaviour. Then maybe you can rebuild your relationship with your daughter. She couldn't have been more honest, she has withdrawn for the sake of her own mental health. I hope it works for her.

OP, have you read about Fay Weldon's travails.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8886461/Author-Fay-Weldon-walked-husband-Nick-Fox.html

why do you stay with this man.
what is your daughter's attitude to him, about him.
you need to seek other sources of help and support.
i used to support a neighbour a great deal who had many complex medical conditions. i had to walk away because she used me to patch over the toxic bullying way her family treated her, yet took no steps to remedy it. i felt squashed and depressed. had to step out.

In her view it may have been very ‘unkind’ to force her to grow up being abused.

If you wanted a healthy relationship with the adult you needed to care for the child.

6 weeks is not a long time

Your daughter's role is not to protect you from your husband.

She is not a bodyguard.
You have to stand up for yourself instead of waiting for others to do it for you.
You have helpless victim mentality. You need to fight back.
Your expectations for her could be driving her away from you.

If you keep thinking she is the selfish one and you have told her so, this 6 weeks could become months or years.

Of course she is behaving badly. Very unkindly. And so is your DH. I can't see how you can change them though. I would suggest, go all out to look after yourself as much as you can. Don't bother fighting them. Think of yourself now. Just you. Find ways to pamper yourself if you possibly can. (Biscuits and chocolate are a good start)

Oh, that is sad for you, Taffy.
Your husband needs a good kick up the arse, frankly, but I'm sure you already know that. (Shame somebody didn't do it years ago!)

We can't physically help, but sometimes posting on here can help.
It's at least a place to have a moan.

Thanks for the replies. My husband is her father. He has a terrible temper and abuses with words and withholding of affection but not physical. He throws thins and smashes them. I have been the one to look after everyone in the family including my mum-in-law. I had a good professional career and always earned more than my husband. I neglected my health for the family. After I took redundancy, I became a magistrate and school governor (Chair). Since being ill, I have become very needy and anxious as two major health issues hit me and I got Covid. I have been ill since March and everything has been taken away from me. I now need kindness and support from my husband and daughter and it is not there. I accept my daughter has her own life but I think she is being very self-centred by withdrawing from me. By the time this lockdown is over I willl not have seen her for
6 weeks. I cannot believe that is the right way for her to behave. She could come and see me and support me and husband would back off.

I don’t see why you resent the daughter but no word of resenting the fatber who after all is the one you live with and who should be helping you the most
Perhaps your daughter feels resentful the you are anxious and needy towards her when she sees nothing coming from her dad Perhaps she feels herself going down too because of overload of depression and worry coming from you
Has it all changed since you ve been ill and needed more help?
Have you been the ‘looker after?
Are there things you can do for yourself so you feel more independent of their help ?
A few questions to ask yourself