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Self-centred daughter? Am I wrong to resent her?

(47 Posts)
Taffy1 Tue 03-Nov-20 09:49:18

I have been ill and in pain for some months - I am currently awaiting operation to remove cataracts from both eyes and my sight is poor. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. My 26 years old daughter has withdrawn from me for the sake of her own mental health! I am very anxious and needy. But the two people I need most have deserted me. I now resent my daughter. Am I wrong?

Luckygirl Tue 03-Nov-20 09:55:13

If your OH is abusive then a re-think of your life us needed.

Perhaps also talk to someone about your anxiety - my OH suffered with this and I know how hard it is to live with and deal with, both for the sufferer and those around them. I was constantly having to fight off compassion fatigue and to ensure that I kept a space for some anxiety-free life of my own.

For your sake and your family's please seek some help with your anxiety.

MissAdventure Tue 03-Nov-20 09:57:13

Do you think your daughter is justified in trying to protect her own wellbeing?
As you say you're anxious and needy, I would imagine that's hard on her, and your husband (her dad?)

Is it perhaps that she has seen your husband abuse you, and needs to keep her distance so that you don't end up having a rift in the family?

Toadinthehole Tue 03-Nov-20 10:02:31

Has your husband’s abuse coincided with your health problems, or does it predate them? Maybe this has affected your daughter. I can understand your reaction....you’re in pain. It sounds like you need to sort things with your husband, and then maybe your daughter will be more relaxed. I do hope you get your surgery soon💐

Bibbity Tue 03-Nov-20 10:18:14

Is your husband her father? Did you force her to grow up in an abusive household?

jaylucy Tue 03-Nov-20 10:29:25

There is needy as in needing some support and needy as in suffocating.
I can fully understand why you need that support - unless anyone has been in your position with problem eyesight, they don't understand how hard even doing simple things can be and constantly having to ask for help is hard - however, doesn't mean that either your husband or daughter have the right to abuse you!
Is there anyone outside your immediate family that can give you moral support if only over the phone ? Maybe contact somewhere such as Age UK that can advise?
As for your eyesight, depending on where you were you were referred from - GP or optician, you could try contacting them to see if you can be fast tracked to have the cataracts removed - even if it is only one eye, that would help you to be a bit more independent and less reliant on husband and daughter.

Bibbity Tue 03-Nov-20 10:34:57

The daughter is not abusing the Op by not assisting her. It sounds like she has distanced herself. She is in no way obligated to do anything.

Dee1012 Tue 03-Nov-20 10:37:44

I once worked with someone who had to withdraw from her parents simply because she couldn't stand back while her father continued the abuse of her mother....apparently it had been going on for years and like you it was verbal and emotional abuse.
I can appreciate it's difficult if you are in pain and ill but I'd suggest the situation with your husband needs addressing.
Have you thought about speaking with Womens Aid?
Contact your G.P and see if anything can be done to push your medical treatment forward.

Alexa Tue 03-Nov-20 10:45:13

Taffy, much has been said against self pity but self pity is good for helping you along the way. True, your daughter and your husband do seem to be unjust to you. However what you might never know is the whole truth about what it is like to walk in their shoes.

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be One.” – Marcus Aurelius

Alexa Tue 03-Nov-20 10:49:00

PS sorry, Taffy. I do sympathise too, and I hope you get some practical help very soon, perhaps like what Dee102 suggested.

Grandmabatty Tue 03-Nov-20 11:05:33

I feel very sad for you and your predicament. I do think, however, that your anger at your dd is misplaced and should be directed at your husband. Perhaps, as others have suggested, your dd has removed herself as she cannot change the relationship and the way he treats you. Your dd is not obliged to help you but one would hope she would. Have you asked her for specific help or were you vague about what you needed? I do hope you get something sorted soon.

Maggiemaybe Tue 03-Nov-20 11:26:21

Bibbity

Is your husband her father? Did you force her to grow up in an abusive household?

And we wonder why victims of abuse hesitate to seek help.

Bibbity Tue 03-Nov-20 11:32:38

Regardless of that.
A child forced to live in an abusive home has no out. Has no resources onto leave.

If the OP chose him over the child then the child is very much within her right to now leave the Op without any assistance. The child must now work to undo the damage that both parents did.

And I think the OPs post is very telling on where exactly she prioritises her child’s needs.

MissAdventure Tue 03-Nov-20 11:37:54

We don't even know that the op's husband was even around when her daughter was a child though, do we?

Bibbity Tue 03-Nov-20 11:46:37

But we do know he is abusive now.
And the Daughter doesn’t want to subject herself to that.

MissAdventure Tue 03-Nov-20 11:54:22

Yes. I made that point earlier, and if that's the case then I don't blame her at all.
Then though, we need to find out what the op's idea of abuse is, first, and if that is even the reason the daughter is distant.

For all we know (without writing our own version) the daughter and husband are still in touch.

Hithere Tue 03-Nov-20 12:53:45

OP

You admitted yourself you are very anxious and needy.

May I ask what you are doing remedy that?
Try to get an earlier operation for your eyesight? Called for help from professionals for your abusive marriage?

This is exhausting not only for you, but for your daughter too.
I understand her decision to protect her mental health. There is only so much a person can do and for a certain amount of time (not unlimited)

She had 0 control of the situation but she is suffering the full impact of it.

Hithere Tue 03-Nov-20 12:54:24

Re: abusive relationship.

I agree with bibbity

GillT57 Tue 03-Nov-20 13:07:29

In what way is your husband abusive? I am not asking for details, nor questioning your perceptions, but is he perhaps getting fed up with you getting distressed about your failing eye sight? I don't know how to write this without sounding as if I am victim blaming, but if you are constantly moaning about your inability to do things as you would like, constantly complaining, perhaps he just gets fed up with bearing the brunt of something that he can do little about?

Hithere Tue 03-Nov-20 13:07:52

Answering your title:

No, you are the one who is self centered and yes, you are wrong to resent her

Smileless2012 Tue 03-Nov-20 13:15:19

I hope you soon get the surgery you need Taffy and once you've recovered think about your domestic set up. No one should be an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

For your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your D, you need to give some serious consideration as to whether or not you should be with this man.

icanhandthemback Tue 03-Nov-20 13:30:53

Your daughter has done the grown up thing; she has made a decision to protect her mental health. Now you need help to make a similar decision. You have recognised you are anxious and needy which is a great first step. Being ill, in pain and with failing sight is probably not helpful to encouraging you to get help but being aware of your issues can help you to try to rein them in. Once you have your physical wellbeing sorted, perhaps you can get some help to make decisions about your husband and how you can help your daughter have a meaningful relationship with you.
You are quite wrong to resent your daughter protecting her mental wellbeing. Maybe write to her to let her know that you want her to be ok, you completely understand and that you recognise your problems so you are going to seek help. Then, do it!

BlueBelle Tue 03-Nov-20 13:42:31

I don’t see why you resent the daughter but no word of resenting the fatber who after all is the one you live with and who should be helping you the most
Perhaps your daughter feels resentful the you are anxious and needy towards her when she sees nothing coming from her dad Perhaps she feels herself going down too because of overload of depression and worry coming from you
Has it all changed since you ve been ill and needed more help?
Have you been the ‘looker after?
Are there things you can do for yourself so you feel more independent of their help ?
A few questions to ask yourself

Taffy1 Tue 03-Nov-20 15:03:27

Thanks for the replies. My husband is her father. He has a terrible temper and abuses with words and withholding of affection but not physical. He throws thins and smashes them. I have been the one to look after everyone in the family including my mum-in-law. I had a good professional career and always earned more than my husband. I neglected my health for the family. After I took redundancy, I became a magistrate and school governor (Chair). Since being ill, I have become very needy and anxious as two major health issues hit me and I got Covid. I have been ill since March and everything has been taken away from me. I now need kindness and support from my husband and daughter and it is not there. I accept my daughter has her own life but I think she is being very self-centred by withdrawing from me. By the time this lockdown is over I willl not have seen her for
6 weeks. I cannot believe that is the right way for her to behave. She could come and see me and support me and husband would back off.

MissAdventure Tue 03-Nov-20 15:08:32

Oh, that is sad for you, Taffy.
Your husband needs a good kick up the arse, frankly, but I'm sure you already know that. (Shame somebody didn't do it years ago!)

We can't physically help, but sometimes posting on here can help.
It's at least a place to have a moan. flowers