Family boundaries

Ok. Telling me my daughter needs a haircut, that she needs certain clothes. Suggesting foods I could make for her. It’s been making me feel like my parenting isn’t good enough

1. Haircut ..."We like it as it is at the moment." No justification of your viewpoint, just a statement said with a friendly smile. If she carries on re she doesn't agree and she needs a cut now or asks why on earth you like it as it is ...you can continue to reply "We like it as it is" etc etc

2. Needs clothes: ..."We like her wearing ...!" Same as above, just a clear statement of your views, no justification. Again if she continues to say about needing a clothes item, "She's fine with her clothes at the moment. We like her wearing ...!" etc etc

If you are going to speak to her directly about the problem I think you and your partner should do that together ...unless you are happy for him to speak for you, which in my opinion just causes further problems.

3. Foods ..."Oh thanks for the suggestion. I'll think about that" .....etc etc

4, Your partner coming to you about things you feel his mother has expressed to him..."We agreed she doesn't need...! Have you changed your mind?" or "Did your Mum suggest that? What is your view?"

Great advice thanks

Sorry was trying to reply to responses individually but I don’t know how to do that

Saying "Oh yes" or "How lovely" or " Yes, I'll try that" might be the best way forward with a .

I am itching to mention something at the moment but am ?.
Their children, their way of parenting.

Also, maybe MiL has no idea that your DH is passing these messages on to you.
Maybe she thinks it's just a casual remark about whatever it is, and she expects him to forget it if he doesn't agree.

maybe if the moment is right you could open up a conversation about how things were when she was bringing up yr OH. then glide to did he see much of his GPs. did she ever say that he needed a haircut ? how would did you feel. because it makes me feel that you don't think i am paying enough attention to my daughter's needs. which i don't think is the case.
keep it calm and matter of fact. good luck.

It depends. It just depends. Bibitty - a little too blunt sometimes eh? It makes me smile because this can be me. Now I have one DIL and her mum died when she was 5 years old, I have known this young woman from when she was 16 and she is now 30. We have had a good few differences of opinion. None of which I am going to air on here. There are times when I have been fuming with her and no doubt vice versa. She is good hearted and she believes it is important she and I get on for her husband and my son's case. I have a lot of respect for her. It has not been easy at times. And it is likely you will be a MIL yourself one day? It is not the easiest task to be the mother of a married son, and especially with no husband to help you steer a healthy/helpful course. So I would say to you, maybe go out with her socially once or twice. Build on your friendship for friendships sake. Then you will have a better basis on which to discuss your concerns, I hope she has back up to support her with any changes.

Certainly I'd go with "Do you think so ?" and then just ignore what she says!
There is absolutely no reason why you have to act on anyones advice, whoever they are and who knows, if she sees that, she may just keep her thoughts to herself in future!
I will say though that you need to get OH onside or she could end up playing one of you off against the other !

It’s difficult I know, my own mother still thinks she she can tell me how to run my life and I’m 68 ! I used to just ignore the barrage of opinions, but realised that gave her license to continue. So I now have a catalogue of non aggressive, but assertive responses “that’s my decision” being my firm favourite ?. Does your DH know how all this is making you feel ? He should be gently telling his mum that you do things your way, and not passing on her opinions. Dealing with every issue as/when it arose, certainly stopped my mum in her tracks, she actually thinks very carefully now before commenting. They do mean well but unfortunately they do not know when being helpful ends and interfering begins.

Have a phrase in mind when she comes out with suggestions, hair , clothes...... and just keep saying it. Broken record. Gentle phrases like “Mmm , not sure I agree with that” . Or think of one of your own . She’ll get fed up if you keep repeating that. It’s called the broken record response”.

Good suggestions from everyone. Also - try to find something "special" that only she can do for your daughter. Depending on her age of course - teach her to knit, start reading a set of books just for granny time, baking with her etc.

Tell her in your house you decide as she does in her house. Then thank her for her advice and add “ we shall say no more on this matter” Then move on quickly

My D is more sensitive to MIL opinions than mine. I think this is always the case. I can get away with more comments without causing offence.

Is a MIL really just a guest (often unwanted).

Here's an idea: get a large notebook and pen and ask her to write her suggestions down at the time she makes them. Tell her you keep forgetting what she's suggested. If it's food ideas, ask her to write a recipe. That'll keep her quiet for a while and convince her you're taking her seriously! She might get fed up quite quickly! ? Keep the notebook in a drawer. You don't have to read it but you could draw a simple smiley face on her efforts, after she's gone home, so she sees positive feedback next time. ? Get the notebook out before she arrives at your house so she sees her task is ready! (Can you tell I was a school teacher in a former life?)

I try very hard not to tell my daughter how to run her home and bring up her children. Things have changed since I was a young mother. If she tells me she has a problem, the nearest I get is to ask, "Have you tried....?" rather than, "You should.... "

Does much of this happen via the telephone? If so, get one with Caller Display and let her calls/most of her calls go to answerphone, or else let your DH take them.

Horatia

Is a MIL really just a guest (often unwanted).

Oh I do hope not these days. Possibly when we were younger yes but I certainly don’t think of myself as a “guest “

Set you boundaries as clearly your MIL has started to invade your home life privacy and will not stop until made to. Not Spaghetti has made some useful points.

It is important for your long term mental health that you do this sooner rather than later.

Can you engage your husband in helping you to limit her interference?

I suspect she is feeling anxious about being on her own again during lockdown. I know when we first came out of the first lockdown I found I couldn’t stop talking - eventually my daughter said, very gently, mum, take a breath.

I really don’t know how you can solve this problem, except by getting your husband involved. However, your MIL may think that you’ve told him to speak to her. Good luck.

I would play her at her own game. Tell her you dont like her hair/clothes/things she should cook. When/if she looks affronted I would laugh and say "see, not so nice to hear those things is it"!

Yes - I was thinking the same - does she have enough going on in her own life? How about joining U3A or some similar group? She probably needs to get out more - if she can of course. She really shouldn’t be making you feel as you do - you sound very caring and tolerant. However as we get older our horizons shrink a bit - maybe she just doesn’t realise that she is becoming more dependent on her son. He must try to deal with this sensitively if possible. However Maw’s suggestion of smiling and doing what you were going to do anyway is probably the best advice. You hold all the cards after all.

It's difficult isn't it? My DIL tells me often that I'm a guest (& therefore not expected to do any work when I'm there) but I find this really difficult, as I hate just sitting there while she's rushing around (& I've read enough comments on Mumsnet about MILs 'expecting to be waited on hand and foot' to make me feel thoroughly uncomfortable) so I offer to cook, or wash up as often as I can.
I also feel that my DS - and by extension DIL - are part of my family, so them telling me that I'm a guest makes me sad (but I suppose that's my problem, not theirs..)
I do try never to comment on anything they do unless it's in a positive manner - and only give an opinion on anything if I'm specifically asked. Then I keep my fingers firmly crossed..!!!

Reply in the moment, it doesn’t have to be a big thing - but currently your MIL doesn’t actually know there is an issue and as a result nothing will change.
So the example you’ve given - DD needs a haircut, I’d give a wee laugh to lighten the mood and say something to the effect of “I’m her mum, I’m sure between DD and I we can manage her hair”
And reply each and every time she oversteps.
If you don’t verbalise yourself feelings I worry it’ll turn to resentment (I’ve been there myself and it ended awfully).
It doesn’t need to be confrontational in any way, I think by making yourself heard in the moment you may feel better about the whole situation rather than bottling up your feelings.
In my situation I stayed quiet for years and eventually everything my MIL said was like nails on a chalkboard - I likened it to death by 1000 papercuts. I often wonder if I’d spoken up sooner if maybe our relationship wouldn’t have been so awful.

Just think, she's brought up a family - a mother is a mother for life, she just sees your family as an extension of hers and her work is not finished!
Can you suggest some hobbies for her so she is not so intense?
Otherwise ignore her comments, they are not meant to hurt you, but in her way to help you

You made me laugh Bibbity.