Dreading arrival of second grandchild AIBU

Maybe your daughter needs to try and develop a relationship with her in-laws, it seems to be the norm on this site and others that the paternal grandparents are treated a pariahs.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Should have said that you may only get information from them at the moment but still worth a look

Do you think your daughter would be open to some outside help?

There is a charity called Home Start who help struggling parents. They were absolutely amazing with parents of children who used to come to my pre-school - especially when a new baby came along.

Maybe have a look and a do a little bit of research about it. If your girl says No, fair enough, but worth a try?

If you explain your issues to your daughter, but go with a possible solution she may be open to listening.

www.home-start.org.uk/

If not they need to look at extra outside help/childcare- i think tax credits allow extra for childcare too so maybe they can look into getting that if not already- they may be eligible with an additional child.and it can be a boon if theyve to afford 'real' childcare- or a nanny at weekends or some such?.they need to look at other options for help with their own children- maybe they should have looked at your GS problems first before having another- but too late now.But must sort it before new year and back to school time! (Most schools are 'winding down' for xmas now)

You will have to speak up- tell DD your health&energy isnt what it used to be and that you are exhausted too!(best not say you find GS exhausting- just that youre exhausted lately as you get older!) And add that youre looking forward to her getting back on her feet and to full energy when shes had the baby.Also make sure your SiL is taking any full paternity leave hes entitled to and tell them you will be taking a backseat while hes on it.And for future- can you afford to gift your DD some driving lessons for xmas?or at least a small 'block' of them? Lots of local instructors will be looking to get their business boosted asap so might have good deals- then she can (eventually) ferry her own kids to&fro!(put it over as her getting her independence!) And maybe they need to have a word with G.P. or a health visitor or something about your GS if he's as exhausting as you say- it could be he's hyperactive? What do school say?All things worth looking at.Just in meantime, let them know YOU can't cope with him without THEIR help either!And won't! Tell them you love your GS but if they cant manage him between them(2younger fitter people) how can they think you can- but only if they dont listen to your previous 'hints'.But if it needs laying on the line- do so!

I am very sorry to hear of your problems concerning your daughter and her offspring. I wonder if she has any help with her mental health, and if she does, are they able to organise extra support?
You do need to confront this problem because it will only get more difficult as you get older, and as long as you are helping out with childcare social services will let you. Ask you local health clinic to recommend areas to seek for support; they won't be able to give you any information about your daughter but they should know services which can help if your son applies. It may be possible to get a taxi arranged, if only to take or collect, because it seems as though her son needs day care as she is unable to cope. Either continue to drive him, one way only,or have him for respite at weekends; not both.
The welfare of the child(ren) is paramount, and it sounds as though your daughter is in need of more professional support. You can't carry the burden of her self-harming if you try to discuss the welfare of your grandchildren with her; her husband must initiate some action.

My friend had this dilemma and she handled it by saying how and when she was able to help and also offering to contribute to any child care that was needed.

I think you certainly need to explain to your daughter how you feel.
When all is said and done, she needs to take more responsibility for her child and not rely on you as the run around.
Help her to look into an alternative daycare that is closer to your home or even a different form, such as a preschool establishment - these are often found in places such as villages where the standard daycare/ nursery isn't.
If she can't cope with one child, how is she going to cope with 2? Might be an idea as well to speak to a health visitor (if that is what they are now called) and see if they can come up with some practical suggestions that will help.

Good advice from JadeOlivia. Think about yourself first - this is not selfish, it is entirely practical as you need to carefully consider what help you can offer now, and also as an ongoing commitment for a couple of years at least. If you agree to do too much you will be overwhelmed and may become ill - that won't help anyone. First Aid advice is to think about whether you can actually help - if you throw yourself into a river to rescue a drowning person and you can't swim there may be two people to rescue - this situation is the same. Good luck, and I hope this will all shake down and you can enjoy the new baby! xx

Sorry posted too soon. Your DD should not expect you to deal with your DGS on your own, so she should go along with you on the trip to childcare and deal with any issues that crop up with DGS on the journey. I would explain to them that although you have helped out with your DGS you are now 70 and don't feel in any way capable because of your own health problems to provide help watching 2 GC. You SIL should have words with his own parents and find out if they would at least be willing to watch them every other weekend to give you all a break.

You are already doing a lot for your daughter Ellypat so you need to review the situation in the light of the second pregnancy. I understand your concerns about your daughter's mental health, there should be some professional help for her to ease things for you. As other posters have said you need to sit down with your daughter and her partner and be clear about what you can safely offer in the future. Don't overlook the emotional support you give give your daughter as this is tiring in itself. Your daughter and partner are adults now despite their problems and they need to step up and care for their children. Take care of yourself.

Boundaries need to be set. Sit down and have a think about what you are willing and able to do. Then break it to her gently.

Ellypat what age is your DGS ? I would expect my DD to join me and DGS on the trips

You do need to speak up voicing your concerns about potential increase in demands being made on you. You are not unreasonable, its your DD and SiL who are being irresponsible having another child when they can't manage their one child. With the increase in family will they still be able to live in the same complex near to you? All the issues are their issues, not yours and you need to be open and honest with them.

Well when I was a childminder all the parents brought their kids to me either by public transport or on foot. Why can't your daughter choose a daycare near enough to take them without a car?

It really annoys me when adult children expect assistance with childcare from their parents.
Fair enough if the grandparent offers to, but so many parents assume that it is a right.
You need to have an honest conversation with your daughter, who sounds rather selfish.

(Background - I don't have children and growing up we lived several hours drive away from both sets of grandparents - my parents coped and we all survived.)

We've just moved close to my youngest DD who is adopting two young children early next year. We want to be able to help her out as she is single and works full-time but she is already talking about which would be the most convenient nurseries and primary schools to use when she goes back to work. We've never discussed it but she understands that, much as we are happy to help in emergencies or with evening babysitting, we are not offering regular childcare. Been there done that, when we were much younger and had our own children.

Ellypat.
With her health issues, one small child and expecting a second child your DD needs help. Do you live in the UK ? I suggest DD talk to her GP who will advise Social Services .

Is there a Homestart in your area? It’s an organisation to which families with children under the age of five can self refer for help and support from trained volunteers. Definitely worth a go and it would take the pressure off you.

If your DD is having problems with her son, maybe he needs a Dr's appointment to find out when there are problems. My 4 year old GD is very active, fortunately when I have her it's usually after school when she's worn out and just wants to watch 'Babybus' or similar on youtube.
Good Luck whatever you do

In a way I was relieved when covid meant I could no longer take gs. I had him for 11 years and although he is very good I found the driving and the hanging round play centres and after school groups stressful. I think it depends on yourself. My friend who is the same age still looks after twins and enjoys taking them shopping and out for Mc Donalds whereas I hate crowds.

It's flattering, and I never want to be thought of as 'old' but my adult children do seem to think I'm indestructible. Sounds like yours (and many others') think the same.

Or you could try and change your attitude to it all. Sometimes things we want to do and enjoy enormously can be easy and achievable instead of exhausting chores. I am 70 and have my 2 year old granddaughter 4 full days a week and can only manage bed when i get home. I sleep and potter all weekend and by Monday am rearing to go. Leaving house at 6.30am and getting home at 8pm latest
Shattered but fullfilled and happy.
Daughter is now expecting again...

Sorry, typing error! Should have said it is not your responsibility.