Dreading arrival of second grandchild AIBU

Hi Ellypat, I know how hard this is, cos in same position, and know the mixed feelings of realising the genuine need for help, in a small family where theres really no one else to help, and feeling no brain space left, exhausted, taken advantage of, trapped. Have looked after dgd last 3 years & ongoing., 3 days a week +. Dd single parent, works full time, estranged from child's father, who lives with them as cant hold a job& not much support. Im now 70, in good health but on my own. Lately, also due to loss of recreational activities, bcos of pandemic, which kept me going & gave me a lift, find it hard to keep going sometimes. Other grans, in their kindness to help, have suggested get it sorted before 2nd baby is born, which would seem to be good advice. Problem is, in the mixture of need and pressure, of stated trust in our ability to look after dgc and the love for our own children, people like us feel powerless to refuse and are made to feel like letting the side down if we refuse. Its love and guilt, all rolled in to one. On the positive, we're close to the dgc. In many ways, its a case of look for the positives. I did try to set boundaries before child born, but no one was listening, as the need for me was too great. It may well be the same for you, though people who are not in the same position of intensity may well not understand. Im here for you. Keep in touch.

Your DD and SIL are really taking advantage of you. For them to contemplate having another child when the cannot cope with the one they already have and DD has underlying medical problems is totally irresponsible!
You really do need to speak out for your own sake; GC are to be enjoyed not a burden.
DD and SIL should be including his parents in all this too, despite DD having a fractious relationship with her in laws they still deserve contact with their GC.

Its funny but my husband and I would love to be allowed to babysit our DGS. Our daughter in law is difficult. Its hurt us so much especially as we were were asked to move nearer. I think you have to stand up for yourself in a nice kind way. Suggest you all explore other options. Is there any free child care or financial assistance. While you are not responsible for what choices your daughter makes its natural that you will worry. I have learnt after all these years not to think too far into the future and try not to worry about things out of my control.

OP, do you have an understanding doctor whom you could talk to. if so, tell her him how you are feeling.
do not minimise it. i am concerned about your mental health, and physical too.
social services should be involved to support your DD, and for the whole family situation, with a hyperactive child etc.
you cannot solve all her problems. nor should you try. in fact i think you should step back from what you are presently doing.
good luck.

My DD was expecting her third and I did speak up and felt all the emotions you describe but then she had to have a termination because baby had Patau syndrome which meant it would either be stillborn or live for only a few hours. Now I realise that I shouldn't have moaned and would do anything to smell a newborn baby.

Sorry, I should have read the full thread before posting. I notice now that SaraC suggested Home Start as well.

*Ellypat" You are already doing a lot to support your daughter and it seems clear that taking on any more will be very difficult for you. As others have said, you really need to have a conversation about this with your daughter before your own health becomes more of an issue.

There is an organisation called Home Start which has trained volunteers to support struggling young families. I don't know where you live or if it is available in your area but it might be worth looking at their website to see if they can offer any assistance. I am not recommending it because I know very little about it but it might be worth some investigation.

I do hope that this worry for you can be resolved. It is horrible when we are anxious about our families.

I so agree with those on here who question why parents add to their families when obviously they are struggling with just one child.

You must speak up. My friend had her GC for days ( and nights) on end with no thanks and not even a birthday or Christmas present. In the end she asked for some monetary recompense and they seemed to be more considerate , realising no doubt what a fortune in childcare she was saving for them. Good luck.

Your daughter is a grown woman, old enough to Marry & have kids. She has a husband who needs to step up and between themselves care for their own children not you.
You sound like a kind & caring lady. But you need to step back , and put your health first or there’s a chance you won’t be around to watch your grandchildren grow up . My Mum was 62 when she died , for years she cared for everyone before herself & her health . We think our mums will be around forever but health needs to cherished & you know in your heart you cannot be a substitute mother . The present arrangements are not sustainable & you need to be honest with your daughter & her husband . They need to resolve this not you

You have to learn how to say no. Point out your age. They'll have to pay for childcare won't they?

My DD had her first child five years ago when I was 70.
She too expected babysitting and helping out while she went back to work part time.
I hadn’t actually held a baby or let alone changed nappies for 36 years, so it was a bit of a shock to the system.
I can’t actually say I enjoyed doing it as I found it extremely stressful. I don’t have the confidence I once had when young.
I worried I was doing everything wrong.
She didn’t take to motherhood easily either, so we were both stressed out.
She has vowed not to have any more babies. Thank goodness.

Just say no

I told my daughter that I just wasn't capable of coping with the 2 boys

There was only 18 months between them and they appeared to be raging war on each other from a very early age

Daughter was fine about it.

I do think you need to put yourself first here. If it helps give you the confidence to tackle them, then exaggerate your health concerns. I’m not suggesting you downright lie but just lay it on a bit thick. Even unreasonable people find it difficult to put on others when they say they’re unwell. I know only too well how it’s easy to get pressured into further commitments by selfish people who should know better. Good luck!

I completely agree with Ellen Vannin. Off spring can be too selfish sometimes and need to realise we're not spring chickens any more. You need to consider your own wellbeing first, otherwise you'll be no good to anyone!

Completely understand and sympathise. Please speak up now. This is your life. Lovely to contribute to family life and activities but certainly not at your own detriemnt. Very best wishes.

Bless you, you need to put yourself first, as being so relied upon will end up making you ill, and then you’d be no use to anyone. She and her husband have made these babies, they are their responsibility. Perhaps you could help by finding out how her mental health issues could be resolved. Then maybe she won’t need your help with the children, rather than you take on the children, and her MH stays the same. I’d definitely be talking to my SIL, and getting his parents on board. Do they know she is ill? It may make a difference to their relationship.

'DD had another child' and 'had to cut her hours' and 'DD's ability' not DH!

We moved from the North of Scotland to the South of England when I was 62 to help our daughter with her baby when she went back to work. I didn't know that I was developing angina at the time and was easily tired. Our relationship quickly became fractious even though the house we shared was big enough for us to have our own space. We returned home after 3 years in part because of this but also because of the climate which was far too warm for us both. Our relationship with DD was badly damaged by then and is only now recovering 5 years later... I had to have 3 stents in my heart 6 months after I returned home. DH had another child and her partner's family have helped with the child care this time. Her partner, now ex partner, his 2 sisters who do what they can and both his parents helped with the younger child one day a week each before he started school although the ex can be by turns manipulative and unreliable. DH has had to cut her hours at work whilst shouldering almost all the costs because of his behaviour. Now we have just entered our 70's there is no way we feel up to taking on any child care at all that would constitute more that an afternoon or morning a week...and then only the eldest It has been hard being so far away but I have been astounded by DH's ability to rise to her challenges, be an excellent and fun mother to her children as well as an NHS key worker managing a service to oncology patients in a hospital in another town. It has been at a cost to her own health but she even managed a near catastrophic situation involving her brother earlier this year and we are all so proud of them both.

There's so many problems to deal with here it must feel overwhelming. Daughters MH, GS behaviour, SIL working long hours, location of daycare, tight finances and a new baby coming too. Just sorting out your GS behaviour would be a big start in make everyone's lives easier and happier, including his. You might find looking after him becomes a pleasure. See if you can help them do this, the sooner the better. Lots of advise already on where to start. If your daughter is in a rented home could she move nearer day care and future school if changing present day care is not an option. In the future if your daughter is able to work, a few hours in the evening or at the weekend would not only help their finances but also maybe her MH.
A break from the children, mixing with other adults, and earning some money helped me immensly when my children were young.

You have to be strong and explain to your daughter that as you get older and have less stamina and poorer health you cannot continue to provide the support for her and her children the support you previously gave her.

Tell her and her husband what help you can provide and stick to it.

These children are the children of your DD and her husband, not you, and it is their responsibility to think about how they can manage to look after their children before they have them and that any problems that ensue are theirs to deal with. They cannot just shrug off responsibilities they cannot meet onto any available grandparent or other adult.

I too feel you need to speak out and say that you cannot do more than you are doing.

Someone else needs to be found who can drive your grandson to daycare.

Next point: why is this child so exhausting? If it is purely lack of discipline, now is the time to do something about that.

He needs to be told firmly that becoming a big brother brings responsibilty.

Most stubborn toddlers stop being stubborn if the grown-ups ignore them.

He sounds spoilt to me, so make it clear to him that you are in charge when he is with you. Grandma's house, Grandma's rules.

If his behaviour doesn't improve, wash your hands of the whole affair and leave your daughter and son-in-law to bring up their ill-conditioned brats without your help.

If his parents cannot see that allowing small children to rule the roost is not a good thing, then probably you can't do much to change it, but you can refuse to look after the child.

He is in day-care, so why and when are you looking after him?

It sounds as if your DGS is not yet at school. When he starts in classes he will settle and certainly be more tired. So hang on in htere as well as you can.

Good luck

I'm 67 now and have been providing free childcare for two grandchildren during term-time and for another two (who live over two hundred miles away) during school holidays and half-terms for the last six years.

I have given both my daughter's adequate notice that my regular childcare responsibilities will come to sn end at Easter next year ( over six months' notice).

I adore and love all my beautiful grandchildren but, as from next year, I'll be "Ganny" who visits as much as I can and not "Ganny" who is unable to live her own life.

Take control of your own life. It doesn't mean for a second you don't love or want to support your family. It's time your DD and SIL made alternative arrangements.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.