Very Difficult decision with my grandkids

You’re right Gagajo, I was adopted as a baby, and even then, that’s what people wanted. Older children were harder to place.

I don’t think it necessarily would be 24/7. It wouldn’t be the same. There’s so much scope for things to change, and for other people to be involved. Not like when you’re parenting, and the responsibility is all on you.
Do think so carefully about this. If you were nearly 70, we might be having a different conversation, and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it if you had health issues. That wouldn’t be fair on you or the children.
I imagine them enhancing your life, and bringing you much joy. After all...nappies are gone, sleeping in the day, being carried everywhere, unable to communicate etc. They probably sleep through the night?
It’s such a big decision though, and I understand the importance of getting them settled as soon as possible. I do hope you can resolve it soon, and I send you all the best wishes.

i agree with HurdyGurdy.

It's all very well saying 'let them be adopted'. I have a social worker friend. She sees children all the time who fail to be adopted or who have adoptions fail. Unless they're babies, it can be hard to find adoptive parents.

I really feel for you. Is there a way of having the children adopted but still staying in touch? I understand that after a difficult life you now have a good marriage and are looking forward to enjoying getting old together. If you feel unable to keep the children, then let them go to a younger couple who will love them as their own. Try not to feel guilty and make the decision for them and you.

For those who say to just travel with the children, it's not that simple. I still have children at home. Travelling with children is hugely more expensive than travelling as a couple or alone. It might not be viable.

50 might be young, but it doesn't mean someone might not have health or other problems that make it difficult to care for children.

OP should not be made to feel bad if she doesn't feel she can take in the children. Is it in the best interests of the children to have a reluctant caregiver?

I also wonder if there would be the same push to selflessness if OP was a grandfather, not a grandmother.

I do know what I would do from life experience. I know I would take the children but I would also have made it very clear I wanted permanent guardianship that could not be revoked. Both for my own sake and the sake of stability for the children.

bjane02 - what an awful position you've been put in.

Whilst in an ideal world, of course we would all step up to the plate and take our grandchildren on full time.

But - for very good reason - you don't want to. And it's not like it's a small commitment. It is 24/7 for the next 15 years or more.

Is it better for the children to be raised by someone who resents the commitment they have had forced onto them, rather than be adopted into loving families?

No matter how hard you try to put on a happy face, those children will pick up on how you are feeling, and it will have a detrimental effect on their emotional wellbeing. Not to mention the toll on your own mental health and wellbeing.

I don't think anyone would question your love for your grandchildren. That shines out of your post. And in a tv commercial world, you'd have a marvellous life with them, and they'd grow up into well rounded adults. But we don't live in that fantasy world, so need to be realistic about our capabilities.

You also need to consider your husband. What are his views on this "intrusion" into your marriage and your future plans? Could this break your marriage up, leaving you a 50-60 something single parent?

Don't be guilt-tripped into taking the children unless you can commit to them 100% and without resentment. Do DCF offer any kind of counselling for prospective adoptive family members? I think this would be very helpful to you - and your husband - and may help you to see things more clearly.

It's easy for anyone to say what they would do when they're not faced with the same situation as the OP.

She doesn't know what to do and IMO the responses that have made suggestions about things to consider before making this terribly difficult decision are beneficial. Responses that may well make her feel guilty for even questioning what she should do, are not.

MissAdventure

For some people there is nothing more rewarding.
For others, there are plenty of things.

Totally agree. I am far more absorbed by my work than I was by motherhood. BUT if need be, I would step up to it.

No way would I let my grandson go. And for the OP, to let the children who may well be split up, or grow up in care or a home (the older they get, the harder it is to get adopted)?

For me, there would be no choice.

Sometimes letting go can be a loving thing to do.Your GC haven't had the best start in life but it's possible that being very much wanted by Adoptive Parents could give them the very best life they could have and deserve to have.
I imagine USA Adoption checks and rules are as stringent as the Uk if so there will be a lot of thought and work put into finding a suitable home for them.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've raised my children with no support at all, and I love my freedom now after years of it being a relentless slog. I dont even want grandchildren.

Keep on posting here as writing about it will hopefully help you make a decision.

For some people there is nothing more rewarding.
For others, there are plenty of things.

mumofmadboys

Bjane02 I can understand your dilemma but if you dont take your GC you will always feel sad about it. Nothing is more rewarding than bringing up children. You will have your chance to travel later. Your son and partner have failed these children. Don't let you and your DH do the same. Of course it will be hard but there will be rich rewards.

I agree about the “nothing is more rewarding” than bringing up children but then I (and I suspect you, momb; forgive me if I am wrong) have not been doing it since I was 16. I suspect that makes a big difference.

This is an impossible situation for you. Perhaps you could talk to your son and tell him how you feel. He may step up or maybe there are other family members who could help too, he needs to explore the options. I would insist that your son makes the decisions, they are his children after all.

OP

How would you protect the kids from his father?
If you adopt them, he relinquishes his parental rights.

Bibbity

*wants his children will you be able to tell him they are gone without feeling responsible?*
1. This whole disruption is his fault.
2. That’s not how it works. He would know what Is going on. Unless he buries his head deep in the sand and again. That’s his fault.

Exactly.

And once his rights are terminated, even if he comes back and wants them, he can’t have them

mumofmadboys

Bjane02 I can understand your dilemma but if you dont take your GC you will always feel sad about it. Nothing is more rewarding than bringing up children. You will have your chance to travel later. Your son and partner have failed these children. Don't let you and your DH do the same. Of course it will be hard but there will be rich rewards.

That’s not the case for everyone though, is it? Otherwise OP wouldn’t be forced into this situation.

Let’s be careful of putting our own judgements on her.

Bibbity

*wants his children will you be able to tell him they are gone without feeling responsible?*
1. This whole disruption is his fault.
2. That’s not how it works. He would know what Is going on. Unless he buries his head deep in the sand and again. That’s his fault.

It isn't a question of fault, it's a question about feeling responsible, because if you do feel responsible and you let them go you will carry the guilt with you even if it actually wasn't your fault. Which is why I created the scenario that he might return and want his children, actually the feeling of responsibility could spring up at any time, when you see a child the same age , or a child that looks similar. If we could feel responsible only for things which are our fault life would be much easier

I agree with posters who say try to do this if you can. As Toad says, you’re very young still, and it’s not the same as parenting, where you should be in it for the long haul. Anything could happen,
Your son may re connect with them.
Their mother may get well and re connect.
Your other children may help. Do you have grandchildren from them? They could end up living with them.
The other set of grandparents may help.
People change, but if you still think you can’t do this, adoption is not the end of the world for them. I was adopted, and I survived! It may play on your mind though, and become something you deeply regret.
Above all, it’s what’s best for the children.

What a dreadful situation to have thrust upon you. You want to travel and do things in your new happy marriage which is understandable, but surely the two things are not incompatible? Adopt the children, use day care as a working parent would, maybe part time, take the children travelling with you. Your first marriage may have been a drudge of raising five children in an abusive relationship but this one doesn't have to be. Maybe the niece could help out with child care to allow you and your husband to have a bit of time on your own occasionally? These two small children have been let down by their parents, more by your son I have to say, for their Mother is ill, don't you let them down either. Enjoy them, raise them, travel with them, give them a great life and you will find it will enhance yours too.

What a heartbreaking situation to be in bjane.

If the OP's son were to turn up in 2 or 3 years time trisher he would have to take full responsibility for any decisions taken about his children, whether he's a part of that decision making process or not.

He has abandoned his children and having not seen them for 1.5 years is very close to losing his parental rights, and rightly so IMO.

Chesnut
"I am 70 and not very mobile but would just have to take them in. I couldn't bear the thought of my own grandchildren being brought up by strangers and lost to me. They deserve love and care but their parents have failed them. They would have to learn to help and do things for themselves due to my age, but that is no different from the past. Children had to grow up quickly, they didn't stay 'children' until they reach their 20s like they do today."

The children must come first, not the family's feelings

If the future adopter cannot provide for the physical and emotional needs of the adoptees, it is a not a good match.
DNA or not dna involved

Department of children and families

Would any other family members be willing to take on your grandchildren with your support, as you have 4 other children.

What does DCF mean?