Daughter won’t speak

Hithere if the OP takes that advice, don't be surprised to see her on the Estrangement threads in the New Year, bewildered about how it all went wrong.

Mawbe

Not at all if it means the real problem is still ignored and the intention is to play happy family

Withdrawing cash and help with groceries just before Christmas is not the way to deal with whatever issues they have regarding conspiracy theories.

Hithere

Extending olive branches so close to significant dates without addressing the real issue does not generally have a good outcome.

Isn’t this precisely the time to extend an olive branch?

Extending olive branches so close to significant dates without addressing the real issue does not generally have a good outcome.

Fuchsiarose

So close to Xmas, olive branch perhaps. Have a lovely Xmas

The OP is nothing to do with BREXIT, biba

Fuschiarose I think that would be the best and kindest thing to do.
So many people are affected by COVID and it is causing so much stress. A little leeway is needed.

Callistemon

biba70

When you say 'current situation' is it 'only' Covid, or Brexit too?

From the groups I belong too, Brexit is the one that has really put a massive wedge between generations- adult children and also teenage/young adult grandchildren and their parents/grandparents.

She has lost her job through this so called pandemic and her husband can’t work through illness.

Which part of that didn't you understand?

Sorry- but one does not prevent the other- and also be very much a factor. The daughter did not write the OP. I mentionned it because I am on several groups to younger expats and also from the UK- where several people have mentionned that they just dread talking to, or seeing their parents- ever since the Brexit vote which has had such a negative effect on their lives and future.

Many saying they are so glad their parents cannot travel because of Covid, because they could not bear to spend time with them. I know many of you do not believe this, or won't believe it - but I can assure you many feel that way.

Torbaygran.
When you first suggested paying money into your daughter's account, did she seem grateful and thank you then?

If not, then I'm quite surprised you went ahead.
If she did, perhaps expecting her to acknowledge it and thank you each single time you do it might be a little over the top, and embarrassing for her?

It's just a thought that I had, but I'm not saying that's necessarily how things are in your case.

A good post Delila, I totally agree.

biba I fail to see, like others, where Brexit comes into a mother/daughter relationship problem.

I agree, an acknowledgement of receiving the money would be a start but I think it would be devastating if you stopped now without having a chat with your daughter. Very difficult for both of you.

Your daughter seems to have MH issues but that doesn't excuse ingratitude!

How on earth did you decide this?

Arguing with your mother isn’t a mental health issue

I am wondering about your initial conversation with your daughter that prompted you to her money as and when needed while the situation she is in prevails. I'm guessing she thanked you at the time and hopefully, when she no longer needs your help, will thank you again.
To expect thanks for each and every offering is... I can't think of a better word than vain, or attention seeking.
If your financial help is dependent upon her agreeing with all your opinions, doesn't that feel a bit wonky to you?
I think it was very considerate of her to poke her face out to say she was ok, so you wouldn't worry about her. I wonder how she'd feel if she knew you were slating her and looking for applause for your generosity on a public forum.
Either shut your purse or shut your mouth.

A mother/grandmother can’t be expected to be a paragon of virtue, impervious to all hurts and insults. No-one can be perfect or entirely unselfish, and feelings can be hurt on all sides. Then emotions take over & maturity goes out of the window. From the information given it seems that there is reason for hurt on both sides.

Torbaygran doesn’t need to be told she has played her part in the breakdown of relations with her daughter, she knows that. There are other issues which are hinted at in her post which imply a degree of tension between them anyway, so I think we should tread carefully. Now she is reaching out for constructive advice on how to put things right, not criticism.

Easy, stop giving her money until she acknowledges she receives it. How, otherwise do you know she is getting it?

Taking this post at face value, if it were me I would continue paying an amount into the account because the daughter and son in law are in need, but only for a specified time, perhaps until she finds work again. I would also insist on an acknowledgement that the money was received, nothing more, and if that was not forthcoming, then I would stop giving money.
Also at face value, perhaps the daughter refused to open the door because she feared catching covid from her mother, who appears not to believe in it.

It sounds like you’ve been bothering your daughter, who is under an incredible amount of pressure, with conspiracy theories and, I’m guessing, guilt trips about her not being able to see you. If you withdraw much-needed financial support over her not wanting to listen to that, then she’ll be under more pressure and you’ll be even less likely to get back on an even keel with her. Although if she’s blocked you, she might return the money - and if she doesn’t, she might re-open the lines of communication.

At the end of the day, do you only love and support your daughter when she agrees with you?

GagaJo

Hi Lolo, no not you particulary. I suspect those to whom I refer know who they are.

And yes, I think the OP is possibly fishing, hoping for some oldies ranting about the pandemic being fake.

Do name names Gaga
And rather rude comment on suggesting that the OP is fake.
No grounds for thinking that at all so far.

So close to Xmas, olive branch perhaps. Have a lovely Xmas

Hi Lolo, no not you particulary. I suspect those to whom I refer know who they are.

And yes, I think the OP is possibly fishing, hoping for some oldies ranting about the pandemic being fake.

FC. Happens a lot that!

Well, OP certainly put the cat amongst the GN chickens,
only to promptly clear off, didn't she?

Gagajo - I fully acknowledge my response to this post was probably one of the ones you think is rude. And I generally try to be kind on here.
But, as someone who has lost a relative and a friend to this virus I am infuriated that people think it is in anyway acceptable to downplay “the so-called virus”.
So yeah, this one hit a sore spot and I very much doubt I’m the only one who’s been personally affected and lost someone.

Is there really any need for such rudeness? Considering how some long-term posters on here like to take the moral high ground, I would have thought they should try a bit of leading by example. If this was the playground, you'd be held up as bullies.

While the situation for your daughter is dire, OP, I wouldn't finance someone that refused to even acknowledge a deposit to their bank account. Obviously, given her difficult circumstances, grovelling or effusive thanks are unnecessary, but a simple acknowledgement would at the very least be polite.

what was the argument about ? if you are saying so-called pandemic, and her husband is too ill to work, was she worried that your actions might put her husband at risk.
that would be a totally understandable fear from my point of view.
if you are minimising the dangers of the virus and the ease of passing it on to vulnerable others, then you my not see the necessity of observing all the precautions. is that why she called to you out of the window. to keep her safe space, and to try to keep her husband safe.
say sorry. have some groceries sent round. with some sweetmeat for her husband. life is short. don't fall out over vain nonsense. make the most of things. many people have lost all/most of their dear ones. don't alienate the ones you've got. try have a happy xmas.

Very wise post Smileless.