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Daughter won’t speak

(102 Posts)
Torbaygran Tue 15-Dec-20 20:39:32

I’m afraid my daughter won’t speak to me due to our completely differing views on the current situation. After a heated exchange of views by email and FB I suggested we totally drop the subject and asked if we could start again but she’s blocked me and won’t answer me. We live quite close but the last time I knocked the door she just poked her face out and said she was ok. She has lost her job through this so called pandemic and her husband can’t work through illness. I was sending them cash and helping with groceries before but said I would now save it till she decided to speak to me. I’ve always trodden on eggshells around her and she only gets on intermittently with her sister. Should I carry on paying into her account as she never acknowledges receiving it or thanking me. Feel so hurt but I won’t cut her off. Any suggestions please? No children involved thankfully.

Lucca Tue 15-Dec-20 20:42:43

Why “so called” pandemic ?

Marydoll Tue 15-Dec-20 20:46:03

I wondered about that too, Lucca.
It's not a so called pandemic, it's world wide pandemic.

Your poor daughter, losing her job on top of everything else she has to cope with.

Iam64 Tue 15-Dec-20 20:51:52

It sounds as though you are in the covid denier/minimising camp and that is the cause of the current disagreement with your daughter. It also sounds as though disagreements are an integral part of your relationships.
The relationship is what needs attention. Telling someone who must be struggling financially as a result of this pandemic that you won't help out with cash or groceries until she speaks to you isn't the way to build bridges,

Grannybags Tue 15-Dec-20 21:00:03

I'm assuming the argument was because she is taking the pandemic seriously and you are calling it a "so called"pandemic

If so then I sympathise with your daughter

Hithere Tue 15-Dec-20 21:00:47

What was the disagreement about?

Other posters have already covered the "pandemic" point

PollyDolly Tue 15-Dec-20 21:02:06

If SIL cannot work through illness surely he can claim benefit?? As for paying money into anyone's bank account who cannot acknowledge receipt of it.......don't! .....just don't! Your daughter seems to have MH issues but that doesn't excuse ingratitude!

Chewbacca Tue 15-Dec-20 21:09:13

Your daughter seems to have MH issues but that doesn't excuse ingratitude!

confused Why does the daughter appear to have mental health issues? It sounds to me as though she's worried sick. She's lost her job, her husband is too ill to work and she's got a mother who appears to be a Covid denier (if I understood the OP correctly). Sounds perfectly well to me; just frightened, worried and trying to keep her and her husband safe.

Grandmabatty Tue 15-Dec-20 21:39:14

What do you want your poor daughter to do? Does this money you are giving come freely or are you expecting her to jump through hoops and agree with your point of view? You can carry on giving her money as a kind, charitable act or not. Maybe you see it as a form of control - if you give her money, she has to do what you ask. I have experience of a family member trying that with me. It is never a good idea.

Patsy70 Tue 15-Dec-20 21:43:38

Can’t understand your comment ‘so called pandemic’. There is no doubt that we are all going through a worldwide pandemic, so perhaps that is where your differences lie. Your daughter and son-in-law are obviously suffering as a result of this, but if you feel they are not appreciating your financial support, and you resent it, then perhaps you should withdraw your help.

Doodledog Tue 15-Dec-20 21:46:18

I agree with the others. If I had a sick husband, no job, was relying on someone else to help me with food and they then threatened to withdraw their support because I disagreed with them, I would be distraught.

Each of those things on its own would be horribly stressful, but altogether it is a lot to deal with, particularly if her husband is not in a position to give her emotional support.

Reading between the lines, she has lost her job because of the pandemic and you have told her that she is somehow imagining the seriousness of it? I'm not surprised she is angry.

If you really want to build bridges, you could apologise and either reinstate your financial help, or apologise and stop providing it, so that she knows that it is not conditional on her sharing your opinion on things. Either way, I hope you can sort it out, as the longer you leave it the more difficult things are likely to become.

Ohmother Tue 15-Dec-20 21:55:19

She’s disagreed with you. (Probably under a lot of stress). You’ve had a tantrum and taken your toys away.

You’ve cut your nose off to spite your face. You’ll lose a daughter altogether if you’re not careful. Is that what you really want?

Callistemon Tue 15-Dec-20 22:32:52

I agree with other posters
(except PollyDolly)

Your daughter sounds very worried and you are not taking this seriously.

Tangerine Tue 15-Dec-20 22:36:11

Don't stop sending the money just like that. Money worries can be very stressful indeed and Covid is making lots of people very anxious indeed.

I do agree that your daughter should say thank you for it. After all, she'd probably thank a friend who helped her financially.

I suspect that she is under great stress. In your position, I'd leave it a few days and then text her to ask how she is etc.

biba70 Tue 15-Dec-20 22:37:03

When you say 'current situation' is it 'only' Covid, or Brexit too?

From the groups I belong too, Brexit is the one that has really put a massive wedge between generations- adult children and also teenage/young adult grandchildren and their parents/grandparents.

Lucretzia Tue 15-Dec-20 22:45:49

She has lost her job through this so called pandemic

I think that it's Covid causing such trauma.

Your daughter is obviously going through a lot and money will be tight through lack of work

If you're saying there's no such thing as the virus, well that could well be the last straw.

Try opening your mind a bit. Appreciate that the virus is real .

Or just don't mention it and send her a letter in an attempt to reconcile

Don't say the pandemic doesn't exist though1

lemongrove Tue 15-Dec-20 22:46:46

Give it a rest biba
The OP is talking about the Covid situation.
Torbaygran if you have somehow fallen out with your DD ring her up and say you didn’t mean to upset her.Am not sure who’s at fault here as you don’t really give much info, but be the bigger person as her Mother and realise that due to the pandemic she has lost her job and is worried.

Callistemon Tue 15-Dec-20 22:54:21

biba70

When you say 'current situation' is it 'only' Covid, or Brexit too?

From the groups I belong too, Brexit is the one that has really put a massive wedge between generations- adult children and also teenage/young adult grandchildren and their parents/grandparents.

She has lost her job through this so called pandemic and her husband can’t work through illness.

Which part of that didn't you understand?

Callistemon Tue 15-Dec-20 22:58:51

From the groups I belong too, Brexit is the one that has really put a massive wedge between generations- adult children and also teenage/young adult grandchildren and their parents/grandparents.

If so, their relationships cannot have been very loving to begin with and the relationships may have broken down anyway.

I wouldn't think it would be good for anyone belonging to such groups.

MawBe Tue 15-Dec-20 23:02:09

Oh FGS why does Brexit have to be brought -yet again - into everything ?
This is about a relationship breakdown , it seems finally pushed over the edge by Covid, by OP’s apparent dismissal of the wide-reaching consequences (“so-called pandemic”) at the same time, D having lost her job through it and her husband being unfit for work.
That level of stress would cause anyone to snap!

Esspee Tue 15-Dec-20 23:06:08

Is there going to be an award this year for the gransnetter who manages to bring up the subject of B*** most often on completely irrelevant threads?

Lucretzia Tue 15-Dec-20 23:09:09

Wooden spoon, Esspee`

Chewbacca Tue 15-Dec-20 23:09:46

Esspee

Is there going to be an award this year for the gransnetter who manages to bring up the subject of B*** most often on completely irrelevant threads?

Yes Esspee. And there's a clear winner. Or loser, depending on how you look at it.

Lolo81 Tue 15-Dec-20 23:13:15

Torbaygran- as others have said, if you want to support and help out your DD then do so.

However expecting her to dance to your tune and put up with your thoroughly ridiculous POV in return for your cash sounds like the reason she’s now ignoring you.

You’ll realise too late if you continue down this road that money doesn’t buy love, it might get you obedience for a while depending how desperate her situation is, but any respect will be gone and tbh if you were my family I’d rather starve than prostitute my values and common sense than accept this sort of “charity”.

Honestly - there’s millions of people died, a mass economic crisis and you’re freaking out coz DD won’t accept your delusions and play happy families on Facebook?

Give your head a wobble woman 😡

Feelingmyage55 Tue 15-Dec-20 23:13:31

Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.