Disrespectful grandchildren

Hetty58

grandtanteJE65, really? Were your children perfect at that age? Mine weren't - far from it - and now, I do feel sorry for teenagers, as they're effectively 'grounded' by lockdown.

stjohngirl, try to be as understanding as you possibly can. I know it's really difficult.

If you can manage it, remain (at least outwardly) calm and cheerful. It's best not to take sides or offer any advice - unless it's asked for. It's just a phase and she'll soon grow out of it.

Of course, I agree with you about consequences, but your daughter has her own parenting style. A powerful tactic with grandchildren is to praise everything they do right - and express disappointment when they let you down.

Hetty is certainly right about the efficacy of positive praise. The younger of my two Nephews went through an ‘interesting’ phase when younger and was difficult to say the least. I used to praise him to the hilt for anything good he did and have always called him ‘my lovely boy’. His parents showed remarkable forbearance, patience and tolerance and gradually he grew into the most thoughtful kind and lovely young man. He is now 22 and whilst he has his moments it would be hard to come across a nicer, kinder and more thoughtful young man. We are so proud of him.

I would suggest you jump on the tiniest little positive crumbs with your Granddaughter and praise anything good that she does, she will soon appreciate that positive attention is so much nicer than negative. It is a tricky age and bless them; such a difficult time they are going through when they just want the freedoms we had and took for granted at that age.

I wish you patience, good luck and a ready supply of gin!

The issue is not your grand daughter.

The issue is the poor parenting of your daughter.

And this is not “typical” or “normal”.

It’s rude and nasty. Name calling is not acceptable.

I am feeling so , so sorry for all young people at the moment. They are being denied time away from the prying eyes of their family, can’t see friends and I expect are scared about their loved ones possibly dying. Their world has been turned upside down, all routine is gone and exams may or may not be happening. I wish I had a magic wand and fairy dust to put things right for them. Us older people, the nanas and grans just have to stay indoors which is difficult but nothing like as hard as pre teens and teens are having to cope with and most of them seem to be coping really well.

Mydaughter drew up a 'contract' with her 2 boys at the start of this term! The boys are 11 and 14. They agreed the terms, and signed it. Part of the contract was that they should hand over their phones, and any other devices at the start of the school day. They are allowed their phones back during the lunch break, then at the end of the day. Seems to be working...............and they know they are not being separated from their phones for too long!! (Part of the contract includes being nice to mum, walking the dog, helping empty the dishwasher etc). My daughter is a single mum, and her boys need to know that she needs help during the day.
Raging hormones in a 13 year old female can be responsible for all sorts of behaviour we all know that!! Good luck

The trouble here, I feel, is you are witnessing not-so-good parenting at close range.

If your daughter doesn't have any consequences for actions you are not in position to give them. It must be really frustrating.

Could you have a chat with your daughter about maybe having a new start family meeting about how to get by during the lockdown. Involve the teenager in the decision making. Maybe encourage her to have a role in how things get done? Say "none of us like this - what can we do to feel better"?

Maybe she will tell you what's the worst of things and you can at least start a dialogue and show her that you are all basically "on her side" and want her to be as happy as is possible given the circumstances. If there is no dialogue, laying ground rules and agreeing/accepting consequences is difficult.

Good luck.

No rule book for adults or for teens!
It’s the Kevin/Perry syndrome - I’ve got my last teenager at home (14 boy) I survived my other 3 ... just muddling through - learning curves for everyone .... teenagers : they are all the same and they are all different. My advise is the same as others - choose your battles ... but stand your ground, they think they know everything and won’t be told they don’t. I’m sure there is a lovely person inside that teen facade somewhere who’s just trying to figure themselves out - hard enough any time but so much more in a pandemic like this! Good luck!

I had problems with my teenage daughter too, but she is now a good mum and caring daughter. But I always made rules and you have to be the parent and not try to be a friend. Parents set the ground rules in the household and no matter how hard it must be adhered to. Your daughter must not tolerate verbal abuse and neither should you. She must be taught that it is unacceptable behaviour, hurtful and will absolutely not be tolerated. I would take the phone away at night and also when she is abusive. The normal stuff like staying in room or sulking, is the usual thing but abuse is different and must be stamped out. Your daughter is the parent and she needs to act like one, possibly with your help.

I once had a great niece that was being really rude and horrible to me. My sister, whom I was very close to, her Nan, was so shocked when I calmly and quietly, told my GN that she was a really horrible girl and that I would prefer if she never spoke to me again. She was stunned into silence. Minutes later she apologised and everything was fine. We keep in touch even though my sister has died.

I too feel your pain. Wouldn't life be so much nicer if teenagers were good, caring, thoughtful, respectful.....? It isn't going to happen and making threats and meting out punishments may only create worsening behaviour, or heaven forbid, a runaway. Of course they know this and know we are frightened of what they might do. The safest and easiest way for me (with two teenage boys) was to step back and let them make a mess of everything then smile benignly and remind them that they were in charge of what happened to them. Eventually they have learned but it has taken a LONG time. The longer I postponed giving them the right to mess up their own lives the longer it took. Let her fail, let her feel what it is like to suffer the consequences of her actions. Painful to watch but better in the long run. You, as the adults, are there as the safety net, always there and she will come to know that too. Be strong, be kind, Grandmas make the best friends

I have a daughter who has always been difficult and on occasion, downright rude to me! Like you, I find myself getting really angry and even losing my temper! It has seriously affected my mental health, so for my own sanity, I have distanced myself from her! If she wishes to make contact with me, she will need to do it via her dad (my husband) or my son (her brother)!!! Fortunately, she moved back to our hometown a number of years ago, and it's 50 miles away, so that makes it easier! My daughter gave birth to her first child on 12th January, and while I would love to be involved with my little granddaughter, I really cannot handle any more of my daughter's unpleasantness!
You say that you live with your daughter and your 13 year old granddaughter? I don't know you or anything about your circumstances, but I do wonder if it might be possible for you to consider getting your own accommodation, away from both your daughter and granddaughter? I live with my 26 year old disabled son, with whom I have a good relationship, and also my husband, who I get on less well with since we both had to retire early due to poor health! It doesn't help that he always takes my daughter's side in any disagreement I have with her! He either denies this, or says it's not about taking sides! I am his wife and I expect him to be on my side! Once this pandemic is over, if things don't improve, I will be looking for alternative accommodation and starting divorce proceedings! We have been together for nearly 46 years, since we were just 18 and married for 37 years!
I really don't want to end up divorced and alone at 64, but I cannot live with things as they are! If you find your life with your daughter and granddaughter is becoming intolerable, you have to do what is best for you! Good luck, whatever choices you make! xx

Teenagers can seem to turn into monsters overnight. Lockdown won't be helping. But, there has to be a line for what is the usual explosive outbursts and just plain rudeness. Your DD needs to lay down a few rules, expectations along with consequences if they are ignored. 13 years old or not households need structure for all to exist in.

I’m afraid she’s a typical teenager. Mine were the same and then suddenly a switch went on and they became wonderful young adults. At least mine remember how they behaved and will be prepared for their own children’s ‘problem years.’ Lots of patience and understanding needed. My own Mother never forgave or let me forget how awful I had been and reminded me until her dying day age 99. It was torture and I don’t actually think I was abnormal. Lots of patience required.

All teenagers are stinkers. It's an inescapable fact of life. Be patient, avoid fights if you can (sometimes you can't) and the lovely person that they were as a child will re-emerge. Might take a few years, though.

I was very stroppy during my teens, but grew out of it and had a very strong bond with my parents. Same thing happened with my own daughters. My eldest grandson was a pain in bum at 15, always rowing with his mum. He is now a polite and caring young man, but it took time to get there.

Adolescence is a time of turmoil. See it from the kids' perspective. Imagine going through it without your mates and being shut up in the house all the time, not knowing when it was going to end. I think you have to try to give them a break.

Exactly.

My dh and I raised our gd, from the age of 6 we had a special guardianship. My son was murdered by his girlfriend who had mental health issues.
Over time she came to understand what her mother had done and for a while things were very stressful and heartbreaking. She has since grown into a lovely girl. We are very proud of her. I think you will find your gd will too.

Let us not judge, lest we too be judged.

Both my children and older grandchildren went through the rude stage with the exception of one who went through the grumpy rude stage at primary age. They are all different even if they have a behavioural problem. My 19 year old granddaughter has some difficulty with temper control and is now having some counselling to help her.

The current school situation is very difficult for all the children especially when there is only one parent working from home trying to supervise and teach.

Please try not to worry too much and let it flow over you. It will improve given time. Teenagers are very challenging and it’s a difficult time especially with the virus and the added pressure of home schooling.

I am his wife and I expect him to be on my side!
...Scottiedog - even when you are wrong?

I agree with everything Natasha76 has said.
This pandemic is causing tremendous harm to our young people and they are the adults of the future who are going to have to cope with the fallout long in to the future. Just keep talking don't avoid her.

I have 5 GC, aged 5 to 13, and all go to school as parents are front line workers. There are times when someone in their class or year group has tested positive so they have to do distanced learning from home. During full lockdown when schools were closed the middle two found the situation very difficult especially when they couldn’t go to Cubs & scouts either. A teenage girl will have so much going around her mind with hormonal body changes (periods etc, although this can happen much earlier) and over a year of lockdown it’s no wonder she has changed into a sometimes stroppy, rude and nasty child you don’t necessarily recognise anymore!
If we weren’t in a pandemic and your GD was at school, would she do her home work without being nagged? Was she able to meet her friends at weekends? Did she go to the shops, either alone, with friends or with you and/or her mum? You are all living under one another’s feet and you can’t easily go out and have some alone time. Don’t deny your GD her phone - as Hithere has said, “her phone is her lifeline”! Give her time and space, talk to her and try not to react when she is rude to her mum or yourself. She may well be scared of what could happen if you or her mum caught Covid ??‍♀️
My eldest GD has suffered with anxiety while my DH and I were ill, but I have messaged her and tied to reassure her that we will beat this. I also told her to talk to me if she has any more worries and she seemed happy with that. Maybe ask your daughter if she has any particular worries or fears, especially about Covid.
At the moment she probably feels she doesn’t have anything to look forward.
You will all get through this but it’s a frightening time for all of us...reassure your GD as best you can and keep telling her you love her ??

I think the OP is from the US - is that right.

Reading this post/thread reminds me so very much of 'Kevin The Teenager' - the hilarious British TV sketches created by Harry Enfield. That very first episode where Kevin gets up 'normal' on the morning of his 13th birthday, - but then opens his cards/presents before 'morphing into an ungrateful, obnoxious, bad-mannered teenager'.

There was one FINAL episode where he 'reverts back' on the day of his 20th Birthday - though there's no guarantee that happens on that particular day .

I remember one of my sons getting put into the cells at THREE different Police Stations .................... all in ONE WEEKEND. I spent so much time sobbing over him when he was in his teens. He's now the father of three boys (20, 12 and 4) and has turned into such a strict parent - I'm now so proud of the man that he's become .

It made me wonder what Kevin would have been like, if HE'D had a phone.

I agree with a typical teen behaviour and had the same awfulness to deal with daily with my granddaughter who lived with me. I honestly did not think I had the strength to get through that time and even had the social care services, school etc involved in our lives. The difficult behaviour begin at 13 and got worse (and it was bad?) for three solid years. Then around her 16th birthday it changed, she left all the rebellion behind her and grew up. I'm happy to say we are extremely close once again. It didn't just happen overnight but the signs were showing she was maturing and the horrid stuff was being left behind. She's has no idea why she behaved that way, I think it could have been peer pressure or struggles of just growing up - who knows. I'm pleased we got through it though. Just try to not take it personally and recognise for some girls they will battle all the way through their adolescence taking all the joy out of your life for that period but most of them will be wonderful and close young women later on. ? One tip someone grant said is start each day anew with the rebellious youngster and try and find a positive to latch onto with them, even like, can you help me reach or open something and then thank then, it just helps to build tiny steps of good in a chaotic time.

Typical teenage behaviour,I'm afraid.Add Covid to the mix.My eldest granddaughter is exactly the same but I am always there for her - she rings/messages me when she wants something and this doesn't bother me in the least - I get a funny warm feeling in my tummy when she says - 'I love you Nanny'.And I'm not naive - I know I'm more likely to hear this when she wants something/needs my help,but it is what it is.I ring/message her to tell her - I love her/I am missing her etc -not only because I do and I am - but so that she knows that I am always there for and only a phone call away.Covid has in some measure brought home the importance of family and keeping in touch.Also as a Mother - my daughters -went through that dreaded teenage period and came out the other end as reasonably adjusted loving adults and now parents themselves.One daughter can still be a bit of a pain at times but again - it is what it is - people are all different (even our family members) and no-one is good,kind,loving,hard-working etc etc all the time.I am there for both of my children regardless - as I am for my grandchildren.Spend more time with your granddaughter - not less - and know her behaviour is perfectly normal for this stage in her life,with the added bonus that it will improve as she grows up.Good luck and all the best.

The fact my granddaughter was living with me is that her mum had a lot of problems in her own life. Sometimes growing up can be a very difficult time and issues which may not of been dealt with earlier play their part during adolescence. You cannot turn the clock back and change things and not every teenage will be difficult but if you are living your life with one who is battling through it's tough. So be very kind to yourself. Just build on anything positive between you and the troubled youngster (even if they seen not to respond) chances are they will remember. You are not alone. ? I've been there and I love the relationship I have with my granddaughter now.

As everyone says typical tean behaviour and very difficult to live with. I remember many years ago a friend saying that if anyone else had spoken to her the way her 13 year old did she would have slapped their face!