Disrespectful grandchildren

This is typical behavior and yes, covid has a lot to do with it. First you must always exemplify the behavior you wish to see. Second, she is your granddaughter and not your daughter. You can tell your daughter privately that this fighting hurts you in your home. You can, as the owner of the home, hold a household meeting at a designated time. Have an agenda written down to follow, and give them each a copy at the table. Make a list of house rules to follow for all of you. It can be designated chores, or choice of chores. It can be all fights must take place in a bedroom, not in the main part of the house. Consequences are they have the choice to move out. If your daughter lacks parenting skills then ask her if she would like your advice. If she says no, then honor that but rules for the household hold. Covid is not easy. I fight with my husband over the littlest of things and he downright gets nasty. Remember, consequences for the 13 year old should be the mother's decision. Consequences for your daughter are your decision. You have every right, if you are paying the rent, to expect your daughter to have fights in their bedroom.

The problem as I see it is that her mum is trying to be a friend rather than mum. 13 is a horrible age even without this pandemic, but if she's not doing any schoolwork then her future will suffer. I suggest that she has her phone for as long as she wants -after doing her schoolwork. Her mum must be paying for it, so it's her mum's phone .

I had this problem years ago with my teenager, it was a constant battle and stream of abuse.. Now she blames me for her lack of qualifications because I didn’t ‘care’ enough. In retrospect I wish I’d got her to sign something saying that she’s aware of the work she should be doing and she takes full responsibility for her actions in refusing to undertake it. At least it might make her sit up and think.

Why is everyone making excuses for what is unacceptable behaviour?

Decent manners are an essential part of growing minds and if children have not learned how to be respectful by 13 then they need some sharp reminders that they don't rule anyones' roost! The " chickens are coming home to roost" for a great many parents, grand parents and great grandparents and the blame for all the disrespect, lack of manners etc lie solely with the adults who don't install boundaries with real meaning.

I had that issue with one of my daughters. Have to say my grandchildren have very good manners and are all very polite but then I don’t live with them and that makes all the difference. The one who was like that would do nothing round the house, slam doors, talk back and was generally an absolute pain to be with. To cheer you up, she has grown into a lovely woman with a lovely family and is very neat and tidy so something must have got through!

Hithere ... How horrible for a 13 year old to be in the middle of the pandemic, for sure cannot be easy for her!

Right now, her cell is her lifeline to her social life.

Two things I'd point out here....

It's horrible for EVERYONE having to deal with living through this pandemic, not just snowflake teenagers, and the mobile being the lifeline to this girl's social life.... she's got schoolwork to do and family she needs to respect, her social life is NOT meant to come before any of those other things, in fact, IMO, she doesn't deserve a social life UNLESS she behave properly, if remove her phone until she does!

Wow - cannot believe the number of people who are saying to just ignore the bad behavior! 13 year olds are old enough to understand the difference between good behaviour and bad behaviour - covid is NOT an excuse! Punish for bad behaviour (loss of tv priviliges, computer, phone etc) other than schoolwork and reward good behaviour. Its really that simple and lockdown is no excuse - does the teenager think any of the rest of us are happy about being locked down? Time for a reality check!

No excuse for calling her mother rude and nasty names as you say, I too can’t believe the number of people making excuses for this teenage girl, everyone is finding it tough, not just her for goodness sake, I wouldn’t be fighting with her, she’d have the phone taken away until she learnt to behave decently

“ Punish for bad behaviour (loss of tv priviliges, computer, phone etc) other than schoolwork and reward good behaviour. Its really that simple and lockdown is no excuse -”

So simple. So easy to give out advice. It isn’t that simple. Circumstances do make a difference, I was on my own with teenage sons and couldn’t do a thing with the older one.

My heart goes out to teenagers having to get through these horrible times. Not able to 'hang out' with their friends, not even able to 'escape' from their homes during school times.

Having brought up seven children including four girls, I have to admit I did hate the teenage years. Can well remember when the last one turned 13 yrs I actually said, that I could do this again.

Obviously really rude and nasty behavior cannot just be ignored, but in these times I would think long and hard before taking away the 'phone from this youngster. It is in the present circumstances, her only connection with friends, etc.

I had some dreadful teenage traumas with mine (girls were definitely worse than the boys). The ones that had their really bad years early in teens were actually easier to cope with than the one who was lovely until she was 18 yrs old and then started. Obviously, I had no control over her at that age, and when I used to her those silly word 'Not whilst under my roof......', she just upped and left!!

At least with 13 year olds you have some control. So, do not make a battle out of everything - just remember the conflicting feelings racing around in her hormonal head. Be loving and sympathetic and ' be there' when an occasions arise when she wants to come and talk and/or be a child again.

Just to say, we all did survive. All have turned out into loving, caring adults. The one who caused me so much heartache in her later teens has apologised so many times to me for her behavior then. She threw away her chance at that age of getting into Uni.......messed around for a few years and then settled down in her late twenties. Got a great degree, a superb professional qualification, and now, at 50 plus years old, is a very high flyer in that. So, do not get too hung up on missing opportunities.

I agree Lucca so easy to criticise and hand out advice which does not reflect the current situation. Some very harsh comments on here.
At thirteen your granddaughter should have some consequences to her inappropriate behaviour stjohngirl but the adults should also realise that she must be struggling too.
Typical adolescent angst combined with normal life being turned upside down is bound to have some adverse effect.. All of you should try and clear the air a little and be a bit more tolerant.

My granddaughter is 13 tomorrow and having a difficult time also. However she is never allowed to be rude to her parents. My son takes her lifeline which is her phone away for 24 or 48 hours

Carmol. I think perhaps the word “parents”Is telling. Much easier I’d say when there are two parents involved day to say.

Day to day.

My youngest is 15, so in the middle of a pandemic and now knows that she cannot take her exams that she’s worked so hard for.

Please remember that your granddaughter is separated from her peers, aside from phone contact.

Is this behaviour unusual for your granddaughter?
Depression is rife amongst young people at the moment, so perhaps look at the Young Minds website to see if her behaviour has anything to do with low mood.

Despite this, she should be doing her daily schoolwork. Perhaps talk to your daughter about sitting down with your gd and setting ground rules.

Schools usually send lesson information to parents, so your daughter should know when your gd should be doing her work.

I would perhaps take her phone while she is supposed to be in lessons, and if she refuses to do schoolwork and sits on her phone, turn your WiFi off.
And don’t turn it back on until she agrees to do the work and put the phone down.

13 year olds don’t like being told what to do, so she WILL try and kick back. Your daughter needs to stand her ground otherwise the next few years will only be harder ?

Good luck!!

GrandtanteJE65 I'm moved sufficiently to post in absolute solidarity with you! You are absolutely correct IMO and this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her. Summerlove why do you so rudely criticise this poster for her suggestion? If children aren't brought up to be polite and helpful to those who have raised them with love and care, what hope is there for their future? Of course the pandemic is hard for children..its hard for everyone! It behoves us all to treat each other with respect. I agree.. take away the phone and the treats and demand some help and respect!

“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”

Wow. Victoria era anyone ?

Lucca

“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”

Wow. Victoria era anyone ?

I do wonder if these posters have ever dealt with truly upset and emotional children. I would have welcomed someone trying to "stand up" to me when I was about 14, I was spoiling for a fight.
Some things I learned about dealing with problem children.
1) Pick your fight- work out what is vitally important and what isn't, then drop the non-essentials and focus on a couple of improvements
2) Model good behaviour- if you want your child to have good manners then make sure you have them first and behave towards them as you would have them behave.
3)Always leave an 'escape route' for the child. There has to be a way back from bad behaviour for them and you have to make sure the lines of communication remain open.

Agree with trisher. I also found that if the child is feeling worried about something else, guess who they take it out on ? Mum. My daughter who gave me grief was a model student at school but when she got home she would let rip. I learned to get food and drink into her quickly from when she was very young because she would calm down then. Sometimes she hadn’t had any lunch at all for whatever reason.

Victorian era? Oh please! I taught my children, by example, that being polite, thoughtful and kind made for a happy homelife. As teenagers they helped, pulled their weight and were a pleasure to live with. The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous. My teenage grandchildren join in every pandemic Zoom. We chat, laugh and they express interest in my daily life. They've been raised by polite, kind parents. If that's Victorian, well long may she reign!

I am polite and kind and so are my children generally but I don't want my family run like a dictatorship where my children obey me. Times have changed and I always just wanted them to know they were loved and looked after and when they were teenagers they could be rude/obnoxious but underneath that they were good kids, they just felt comfortable enough to show me how they felt even if it wasn't very attractive. I am no model Mother anyway, I can't imagine many people are really.

The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous.

Specki4eyes No one has actually said that. We have generally said that teenagers are like that, which is something entirely different. Nor does it preclude these same children having moments and periods when they are a joy to all.

Most parents are firm and sensible with their children and have rules that they expect them to obey, but that does not stop teenagers throwing a major tantrum when you insist on some aspect of how they behave.

In many ways it is like the terrible twos all over again. No matter how firm or sensible the parents, if a 2 year old wants to have a tantrum, they will. Much the same applies to young teenagers.

specki4eyes

GrandtanteJE65 I'm moved sufficiently to post in absolute solidarity with you! You are absolutely correct IMO and this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her. Summerlove why do you so rudely criticise this poster for her suggestion? If children aren't brought up to be polite and helpful to those who have raised them with love and care, what hope is there for their future? Of course the pandemic is hard for children..its hard for everyone! It behoves us all to treat each other with respect. I agree.. take away the phone and the treats and demand some help and respect!

Asking if she mean to sound so rude is rude now? Interesting.

This girl is dealing with a whole lot more than any of us did at her age.

Sure she needs to learn to regulate her emotions, but she needs to be cut slack and taught lovingly.

specki4eyes

Victorian era? Oh please! I taught my children, by example, that being polite, thoughtful and kind made for a happy homelife. As teenagers they helped, pulled their weight and were a pleasure to live with. The overarching idea that they are teenagers and are therefore entitled to be difficult is ridiculous. My teenage grandchildren join in every pandemic Zoom. We chat, laugh and they express interest in my daily life. They've been raised by polite, kind parents. If that's Victorian, well long may she reign!

I’m sorry but not everyone has such a perfect family, and it’s not all down to model parenting. You are very lucky. I’m sure other posters will Agree that sometimes nothing works if a particular personality is involved, or particular circumstances, eg divorce?

The “Victorian era” comment was really in response to the tone of this sentence “
“ this rude child would learn immediately the error of her ways if her parent stood up to her”