What would you have done

Wow, this is a tough one. I feel your daughter put you into a tough position. She should have called the police if in danger. Unfortunately, as adults, they make choices that they have to see through. Perhaps, if he is a nasty guy, this will finally end the relationship. Don't feel bad, is it worth dying for? You can still be super supportive of her, via the telephone. Don't feel bad, phone her support her keep safe.

Good morning, Susanne. I hope things are ok today and that man has slid back under whatever rock he'd been under.
Can you get yourself tested to put your mind at rest? There are centres in some places where you can just turn up.
Your daughter should do the same for her and the children.

It sounds as though there’s a long history here. The protocol is for police called to domestic abuse to refer to children’s services. It sounds as though this may have happened previously given your daughter’s response to your suggestion the police be called.
Children are always emotionally distressed by domestic abuse. It puts them at risk of emotional and possible physical harm especially if alcohol is involved.

I think unless you know the OP and their situation personally its unwise and tbh quite cruel to imply she did the wrong thing by automatically going with her first instinct to refuse.
I can imagine another thread where maybe the daughter has frequent such dramas and the OP would maybe viewed as having her own wellbeing damaged by constant dramas.
They have been separated for several years,surely other measures could have been put in place such as a restraining order. Maybe it's one of those boomerang relationships that destructive to all involved including extended family.
There are other family members. It appears when OP got there a friend of her daughter was already there.
Wise decisions are almost impossible in the early hours.
The partner threw a glass of wine over her, was she drinking to?
Undoubtedly the OP would have put herself at risk. Maybe unnecessarily.
Maybe advising a conversation in calmer times about what happened,how to stop a repeat. Maybe say you would call the police yourself.
For contributors to state they would disregard guidelines without a second thought is not only unhelpful but probably adding to the anxiety of OP. Just plain nasty.

Are your son or other daughter involved in this drama?

Maybe they can help you.

Oops crosse posted! Sending a virtual hug.

Next time you go round, make sure you wear a mask and distance yourself as much as possible.

I am sorry that your DD sees social services as a threat - whilst their prime concern is the safety of the children (as I am sure yours is too) they can often be very helpful in this sort of circumstance, providing advice, support nd practical help....although the virus is hampering what they can do at present.

It is vitally important that your DD does not allow this man into her home. Try www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ - this is the national domestic abuse helpline. And Women's Aid is also good: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You can ring these yourself to get advice as to how you might best help your DD. You do not have to reveal your name.

It must be hard for you to assess exactly how much risk your DD and DGC are under; this is why you need external help. It does not all have to fall to you. And you do not have to place yourself at risk. You went round - this establishes that you care - so future communication could be via the phone.

What a terrible position to be put in, I hope your daughter and grandchildren are OK and getting any help they may need. Don’t beat yourself up about it, the police or a refuge are there to help if need be. We do need to protect ourselves from this horrible disease.

Oh ...thanks for the update ..

Susanne, don’t beat yourself up over it....we sometimes have to think of ourselves. I still carry guilt over not having my little granddaughter over, just because I was having a coffee morning (I know , terrible, terrible reason) and another time, I called my daughter back from work, because the little one was projectile - vomiting and crying for her mum (this is probably a valid reason). Both times, my daughter understood, well, at least I think she did.?

Update
I actually drove to my daughters house to see how she was and she told me he was really threatening her and threw a glass of wine over her. She didn’t know what would happen after that. So when l got there he wasn’t there so I told her how bad I felt letting her down. And to call me if he comes round again. I’d just got in the door and she rang he’d come back round. I went straight back round. He is a very intimidating man and a bully. I threatened him with the police but my daughter said no because she didn’t want social services involved in her life. Not that she’s a bad mum because she’s far from it. She just doesn’t want them in their lives. Anyway after three hours he finally left the house. So I came back. Now I’m just feeling extremely anxious that I mixed with not only my daughter and three grandchildren but my granddaughters friend and him. Paranoid now that I’ve caught the virus. Only at one time he tried to give me a hug as he was hung over. Panicking

The OP said her daughter rang her asking to come round. She assumes it is because of the return of her ex, but didn't ask. Why on earth not? She doesn't seem to have asked during the second call either. This puzzles me.

It also puzzles me that her DD did not tell her that why she wanted to come round. It doesn't seem to have been a quiet surreptious call, so why not say why she wants to come round?

Whether I gave refuge in a circumstance like this would depend on me having full information about why the help was needed and how severe the COVID risk from the family was. On the information given there is no way of knowing.

BlueBelle I have been in a similar situation in the past and didn’t hesitate to get dd out of the mire with an alcoholic husband on two occasions as she lived in hope he would change. Eventually she came to realise that was not going to happen and thankfully got out but in her own way with monetary assistance. Twice she lived with us at our bidding as she was desperate and I would do so again although it was not easy. Coronavirus has put a different complexion on things however and often we cannot allow our hearts to rule, not when we look at the terrible repercussions not just for ourselves but others.

I am sorry you were faced with this dilemma - rock and a hard place spring to mind.

It is a pity she was not able to give you clarity about her situation when she rang, then you would have been able to think what the best course of action might be. And it is of course a great pity that she let her partner back into the house, assuming that she did.

It is very hard to try and balance risk in a pressured situation and I can see that this must have been hard for you. BUt we are living in unprecedented times - I am sure you would have let her come round in a heartbeat if things had been different.

Is it possible for you to try ringing her today and seeing how the land lies now? I hope very much that you can find some way of resolving this.

You don’t have to be sorry avalon we all see the world differently and you obviously think things through with your head and I would have a rapid reaction with my heart
Your ‘what if’ s can’t be used in an emergency plea for help
Would you really stand and think now ‘what if ‘ if one of your children was begging for help and she did ring more than once to ask
However I feel incredible sorry for suzanne and think she’s probably gone over this in her head a million times wishing she’d made a different snap decision and I really really do feel for you suzanne as we ve all made wrong decisions when under pressure as soon as you can talk to your daughter and explain how you panicked and see if you can do anything to mend the situation now

I agree with Sarah1954 you do seem excessively fearful about your health Susanne . Time to explain to your daughter that you over reacted and see if you can help now. Your daughter does need to get help from outside agencies if her partner is abusive. It's such a difficult time none of us are thinking straight at present.

25Avalon I agree, hindsight is great , but Sussanne I still think your decision was correct , xxx

Sorry BlueBelle but I think Susanne123 made the right decision. How would dd feel if she had come round with the gc, Susanne caught Covid as a consequence and died? ( This has happened to families who met up for Christmas Day) Dd would have to live with this for the rest of her life which would be awful. She let her abusive partner back in which was foolishness in extreme. The mistake was hers and as we grow up we have to take responsibility for our mistakes. She should have called the police or a women’s refuge not put you in the position that she did. Yes, we all want to help our dc but sometimes they have to help themselves. She panicked and put you on the spot which I think she calmed down and recognised. I am sure she does not hate you. Try not to feel guilty. You did what was right for you and all of us.

That’s a bit blunt Bluebelle.
It seems to me you have a really excessive fear of the virus, I know we’re all anxious, but not anxious enough to turn our own children away, maybe everything has gotten out of proportion for you.

I m terribly sorry but I m not going to be an ounce of help to your distress as I can not imagine ever putting ANY fears of my own over the lives of my daughter and grandkids
I would have said yes in a heart beat, my own safety wouldn’t have even entered my head
But we are all different and for you, your anxiety over this bloody virus took precedence I don’t think there is anything you can do about it now, maybe time will heal , but at the moment she needed you, you failed her and that’s something that will be ever in your head and that’s going to be horrible for you to live with
I truly hope she will understand that you panicked and made the wrong decision and deeply regret it, that is the best you can expect.

So sorry to hear about your dilemma ellanVannin if your daughter couldn’t phone the police I might have done it for her if I thought she or her children were at risk. Right or wrong. In the end she might not have thanked you for doing that. I only know there’s many couples in despair during this lockdown and there’s lots of help around. I don’t think taking her in would be safe for any of you. The police would have found her a place of safety away from that horrible husband of hers. He might even have been charged as well he deserved

You need more information from your daughter. I hope you can get her to talk to you. If she was in danger you would want to do something to help.

You were put on the spot, talk to your daughter and explain your concerns, I’m sure you can sort it out.

We would have taken her in, if we thought she and our grandchildren were in danger, they would have come first

The reason I didn’t bubble with my daughter is because she still sees her friends and they have children.