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What would you have done

(32 Posts)
Susanne123 Sat 30-Jan-21 06:40:25

I’m in a terrible dilemma. I live on my own and have kept myself as safe as I can. I bubble with another single friend. I don’t see my daughter and her three children or my son and his two children. My daughter called me the early hours this morning. Raising her voice saying can we come to your house. ( meaning her and her three children). She was really upset. She broke up with the children’s father a few years ago. He isn’t a nice man and has in the past laid his hands on her. But to my dismay she’s let him back into her house. She didn’t say why she wanted to come round but I would assume because he’s been up to his old tricks again. I really panicked when she shouted down the phone can we come over. As much as l love my daughter I kept thinking about the virus. I said I can’t let you come over. She slammed the phone down. Ten minutes later she called again she was begging me so in the end I reluctantly shouted back ok I shouted because I was really scared for myself. I felt so scared thinking this is it I’m going to die now. As I don’t know if they have the virus nobody does. Anyway ten minutes later she called again and was really angry and upset and said don’t worry I’m not coming I know you don’t want us there. I felt relief at first but now I feel so guilty and worried about my daughter. I’ve laid awake best part of the night worrying if she’s ok or not. She must think me a terrible mum. In hindsight I should have put her first before the virus. I don’t know whether I did right or wrong. If I tried to call her she probably wouldn’t answer it. She must hate me

rosie1959 Sat 30-Jan-21 06:53:02

Sorry my daughter and grandchildren would come before any concerns for my personal safety

EllanVannin Sat 30-Jan-21 07:03:00

Your daughter should have phoned the police to get him removed from the house if this was the problem.

aggie Sat 30-Jan-21 07:03:22

there must be a reason you didn’t bubble with your Daughter , why on earth did she let him back !
I’m afraid I would have done the same as you

Riverwalk Sat 30-Jan-21 07:11:22

I would have taken her in if I thought she and the children were in danger.

Is this the same daughter who suffers from bipolar disorder whom you wrote about recently?

Sara1954 Sat 30-Jan-21 07:18:26

I would have let her in, but I’m still working, and therefore still mixing with my colleagues and taking more risks anyway.

Susanne123 Sat 30-Jan-21 07:23:13

No this is another daughter. I am so riddled with guilt now. I feel such a bad mum. God what was I thinking.

Susanne123 Sat 30-Jan-21 07:25:15

The reason I didn’t bubble with my daughter is because she still sees her friends and they have children.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 30-Jan-21 07:28:06

We would have taken her in, if we thought she and our grandchildren were in danger, they would have come first

Sara1954 Sat 30-Jan-21 07:40:09

You were put on the spot, talk to your daughter and explain your concerns, I’m sure you can sort it out.

nadateturbe Sat 30-Jan-21 08:02:21

You need more information from your daughter. I hope you can get her to talk to you. If she was in danger you would want to do something to help.

Elizabeth1 Sat 30-Jan-21 08:02:43

So sorry to hear about your dilemma ellanVannin if your daughter couldn’t phone the police I might have done it for her if I thought she or her children were at risk. Right or wrong. In the end she might not have thanked you for doing that. I only know there’s many couples in despair during this lockdown and there’s lots of help around. I don’t think taking her in would be safe for any of you. The police would have found her a place of safety away from that horrible husband of hers. He might even have been charged as well he deserved

BlueBelle Sat 30-Jan-21 08:29:00

I m terribly sorry but I m not going to be an ounce of help to your distress as I can not imagine ever putting ANY fears of my own over the lives of my daughter and grandkids
I would have said yes in a heart beat, my own safety wouldn’t have even entered my head
But we are all different and for you, your anxiety over this bloody virus took precedence I don’t think there is anything you can do about it now, maybe time will heal , but at the moment she needed you, you failed her and that’s something that will be ever in your head and that’s going to be horrible for you to live with
I truly hope she will understand that you panicked and made the wrong decision and deeply regret it, that is the best you can expect.

Sara1954 Sat 30-Jan-21 08:35:05

That’s a bit blunt Bluebelle.
It seems to me you have a really excessive fear of the virus, I know we’re all anxious, but not anxious enough to turn our own children away, maybe everything has gotten out of proportion for you.

25Avalon Sat 30-Jan-21 08:45:28

Sorry BlueBelle but I think Susanne123 made the right decision. How would dd feel if she had come round with the gc, Susanne caught Covid as a consequence and died? ( This has happened to families who met up for Christmas Day) Dd would have to live with this for the rest of her life which would be awful. She let her abusive partner back in which was foolishness in extreme. The mistake was hers and as we grow up we have to take responsibility for our mistakes. She should have called the police or a women’s refuge not put you in the position that she did. Yes, we all want to help our dc but sometimes they have to help themselves. She panicked and put you on the spot which I think she calmed down and recognised. I am sure she does not hate you. Try not to feel guilty. You did what was right for you and all of us.

aggie Sat 30-Jan-21 09:26:44

25Avalon I agree, hindsight is great , but Sussanne I still think your decision was correct , xxx

sodapop Sat 30-Jan-21 09:36:57

I agree with Sarah1954 you do seem excessively fearful about your health Susanne . Time to explain to your daughter that you over reacted and see if you can help now. Your daughter does need to get help from outside agencies if her partner is abusive. It's such a difficult time none of us are thinking straight at present.

BlueBelle Sat 30-Jan-21 10:05:08

You don’t have to be sorry avalon we all see the world differently and you obviously think things through with your head and I would have a rapid reaction with my heart
Your ‘what if’ s can’t be used in an emergency plea for help
Would you really stand and think now ‘what if ‘ if one of your children was begging for help and she did ring more than once to ask
However I feel incredible sorry for suzanne and think she’s probably gone over this in her head a million times wishing she’d made a different snap decision and I really really do feel for you suzanne as we ve all made wrong decisions when under pressure as soon as you can talk to your daughter and explain how you panicked and see if you can do anything to mend the situation now

Luckygirl Sat 30-Jan-21 10:17:08

I am sorry you were faced with this dilemma - rock and a hard place spring to mind.

It is a pity she was not able to give you clarity about her situation when she rang, then you would have been able to think what the best course of action might be. And it is of course a great pity that she let her partner back into the house, assuming that she did.

It is very hard to try and balance risk in a pressured situation and I can see that this must have been hard for you. BUt we are living in unprecedented times - I am sure you would have let her come round in a heartbeat if things had been different.

Is it possible for you to try ringing her today and seeing how the land lies now? I hope very much that you can find some way of resolving this.

25Avalon Sat 30-Jan-21 16:25:36

BlueBelle I have been in a similar situation in the past and didn’t hesitate to get dd out of the mire with an alcoholic husband on two occasions as she lived in hope he would change. Eventually she came to realise that was not going to happen and thankfully got out but in her own way with monetary assistance. Twice she lived with us at our bidding as she was desperate and I would do so again although it was not easy. Coronavirus has put a different complexion on things however and often we cannot allow our hearts to rule, not when we look at the terrible repercussions not just for ourselves but others.

M0nica Sat 30-Jan-21 16:42:35

The OP said her daughter rang her asking to come round. She assumes it is because of the return of her ex, but didn't ask. Why on earth not? She doesn't seem to have asked during the second call either. This puzzles me.

It also puzzles me that her DD did not tell her that why she wanted to come round. It doesn't seem to have been a quiet surreptious call, so why not say why she wants to come round?

Whether I gave refuge in a circumstance like this would depend on me having full information about why the help was needed and how severe the COVID risk from the family was. On the information given there is no way of knowing.

Susanne123 Sat 30-Jan-21 16:51:21

Update
I actually drove to my daughters house to see how she was and she told me he was really threatening her and threw a glass of wine over her. She didn’t know what would happen after that. So when l got there he wasn’t there so I told her how bad I felt letting her down. And to call me if he comes round again. I’d just got in the door and she rang he’d come back round. I went straight back round. He is a very intimidating man and a bully. I threatened him with the police but my daughter said no because she didn’t want social services involved in her life. Not that she’s a bad mum because she’s far from it. She just doesn’t want them in their lives. Anyway after three hours he finally left the house. So I came back. Now I’m just feeling extremely anxious that I mixed with not only my daughter and three grandchildren but my granddaughters friend and him. Paranoid now that I’ve caught the virus. Only at one time he tried to give me a hug as he was hung over. Panicking

crazyH Sat 30-Jan-21 16:58:57

Susanne, don’t beat yourself up over it....we sometimes have to think of ourselves. I still carry guilt over not having my little granddaughter over, just because I was having a coffee morning (I know , terrible, terrible reason) and another time, I called my daughter back from work, because the little one was projectile - vomiting and crying for her mum (this is probably a valid reason). Both times, my daughter understood, well, at least I think she did.😂

crazyH Sat 30-Jan-21 17:00:23

Oh ...thanks for the update ..

Blossoming Sat 30-Jan-21 17:02:28

What a terrible position to be put in, I hope your daughter and grandchildren are OK and getting any help they may need. Don’t beat yourself up about it, the police or a refuge are there to help if need be. We do need to protect ourselves from this horrible disease.