What would you have done

Sorry my daughter and grandchildren would come before any concerns for my personal safety

Your daughter should have phoned the police to get him removed from the house if this was the problem.

there must be a reason you didn’t bubble with your Daughter , why on earth did she let him back !
I’m afraid I would have done the same as you

I would have taken her in if I thought she and the children were in danger.

Is this the same daughter who suffers from bipolar disorder whom you wrote about recently?

I would have let her in, but I’m still working, and therefore still mixing with my colleagues and taking more risks anyway.

No this is another daughter. I am so riddled with guilt now. I feel such a bad mum. God what was I thinking.

The reason I didn’t bubble with my daughter is because she still sees her friends and they have children.

We would have taken her in, if we thought she and our grandchildren were in danger, they would have come first

You were put on the spot, talk to your daughter and explain your concerns, I’m sure you can sort it out.

You need more information from your daughter. I hope you can get her to talk to you. If she was in danger you would want to do something to help.

So sorry to hear about your dilemma ellanVannin if your daughter couldn’t phone the police I might have done it for her if I thought she or her children were at risk. Right or wrong. In the end she might not have thanked you for doing that. I only know there’s many couples in despair during this lockdown and there’s lots of help around. I don’t think taking her in would be safe for any of you. The police would have found her a place of safety away from that horrible husband of hers. He might even have been charged as well he deserved

I m terribly sorry but I m not going to be an ounce of help to your distress as I can not imagine ever putting ANY fears of my own over the lives of my daughter and grandkids
I would have said yes in a heart beat, my own safety wouldn’t have even entered my head
But we are all different and for you, your anxiety over this bloody virus took precedence I don’t think there is anything you can do about it now, maybe time will heal , but at the moment she needed you, you failed her and that’s something that will be ever in your head and that’s going to be horrible for you to live with
I truly hope she will understand that you panicked and made the wrong decision and deeply regret it, that is the best you can expect.

That’s a bit blunt Bluebelle.
It seems to me you have a really excessive fear of the virus, I know we’re all anxious, but not anxious enough to turn our own children away, maybe everything has gotten out of proportion for you.

Sorry BlueBelle but I think Susanne123 made the right decision. How would dd feel if she had come round with the gc, Susanne caught Covid as a consequence and died? ( This has happened to families who met up for Christmas Day) Dd would have to live with this for the rest of her life which would be awful. She let her abusive partner back in which was foolishness in extreme. The mistake was hers and as we grow up we have to take responsibility for our mistakes. She should have called the police or a women’s refuge not put you in the position that she did. Yes, we all want to help our dc but sometimes they have to help themselves. She panicked and put you on the spot which I think she calmed down and recognised. I am sure she does not hate you. Try not to feel guilty. You did what was right for you and all of us.

25Avalon I agree, hindsight is great , but Sussanne I still think your decision was correct , xxx

I agree with Sarah1954 you do seem excessively fearful about your health Susanne . Time to explain to your daughter that you over reacted and see if you can help now. Your daughter does need to get help from outside agencies if her partner is abusive. It's such a difficult time none of us are thinking straight at present.

You don’t have to be sorry avalon we all see the world differently and you obviously think things through with your head and I would have a rapid reaction with my heart
Your ‘what if’ s can’t be used in an emergency plea for help
Would you really stand and think now ‘what if ‘ if one of your children was begging for help and she did ring more than once to ask
However I feel incredible sorry for suzanne and think she’s probably gone over this in her head a million times wishing she’d made a different snap decision and I really really do feel for you suzanne as we ve all made wrong decisions when under pressure as soon as you can talk to your daughter and explain how you panicked and see if you can do anything to mend the situation now

I am sorry you were faced with this dilemma - rock and a hard place spring to mind.

It is a pity she was not able to give you clarity about her situation when she rang, then you would have been able to think what the best course of action might be. And it is of course a great pity that she let her partner back into the house, assuming that she did.

It is very hard to try and balance risk in a pressured situation and I can see that this must have been hard for you. BUt we are living in unprecedented times - I am sure you would have let her come round in a heartbeat if things had been different.

Is it possible for you to try ringing her today and seeing how the land lies now? I hope very much that you can find some way of resolving this.

BlueBelle I have been in a similar situation in the past and didn’t hesitate to get dd out of the mire with an alcoholic husband on two occasions as she lived in hope he would change. Eventually she came to realise that was not going to happen and thankfully got out but in her own way with monetary assistance. Twice she lived with us at our bidding as she was desperate and I would do so again although it was not easy. Coronavirus has put a different complexion on things however and often we cannot allow our hearts to rule, not when we look at the terrible repercussions not just for ourselves but others.

The OP said her daughter rang her asking to come round. She assumes it is because of the return of her ex, but didn't ask. Why on earth not? She doesn't seem to have asked during the second call either. This puzzles me.

It also puzzles me that her DD did not tell her that why she wanted to come round. It doesn't seem to have been a quiet surreptious call, so why not say why she wants to come round?

Whether I gave refuge in a circumstance like this would depend on me having full information about why the help was needed and how severe the COVID risk from the family was. On the information given there is no way of knowing.

Update
I actually drove to my daughters house to see how she was and she told me he was really threatening her and threw a glass of wine over her. She didn’t know what would happen after that. So when l got there he wasn’t there so I told her how bad I felt letting her down. And to call me if he comes round again. I’d just got in the door and she rang he’d come back round. I went straight back round. He is a very intimidating man and a bully. I threatened him with the police but my daughter said no because she didn’t want social services involved in her life. Not that she’s a bad mum because she’s far from it. She just doesn’t want them in their lives. Anyway after three hours he finally left the house. So I came back. Now I’m just feeling extremely anxious that I mixed with not only my daughter and three grandchildren but my granddaughters friend and him. Paranoid now that I’ve caught the virus. Only at one time he tried to give me a hug as he was hung over. Panicking

Susanne, don’t beat yourself up over it....we sometimes have to think of ourselves. I still carry guilt over not having my little granddaughter over, just because I was having a coffee morning (I know , terrible, terrible reason) and another time, I called my daughter back from work, because the little one was projectile - vomiting and crying for her mum (this is probably a valid reason). Both times, my daughter understood, well, at least I think she did.?

Oh ...thanks for the update ..

What a terrible position to be put in, I hope your daughter and grandchildren are OK and getting any help they may need. Don’t beat yourself up about it, the police or a refuge are there to help if need be. We do need to protect ourselves from this horrible disease.