I have felt guilty all my life

Possibly Samaritans might be a good start to help you talk through your feelings. It is free and immediate with no waiting list.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you get piece of mind soon.
Take care

No one else can really say how they would react or deal with something so tragic. You are dealing with it in the only way you know how to deal with it and cope with it. Have you tried psychodynamic psychotherapy? It is a talking therapy really that helps you accept what has happened and move on from it and gives you ways of dealing with things better. I found t really useful.

Any death in the family, or of a close friend is terribly saddening. Thirty years ago, we lost our son and never forgot him. With loving support from family, friends and neighbours we have survived. The scars still remain though.

You have managed so far, so you know that is possible.
Do not punish yourself for a situation which you, no matter what you did, or could have done, managed to prevent.

You need, and need to accept, the loving support of your family, and REAL friends

I am so sorry to hear this. Sometimes counselling comes at the wrong or the right time, so I would consider it again - it may help now where it didn't before.
I understand the feelings around suicide, but when I experienced it, the police were kind and helpful. I wonder why they weren't to you - I can think of many reasons, and can certainly see that such treatment may have added to the guilt that won't go away.
I wonder if Victim Support would help - they do help with people caught up in the aftermath of police procedures. I wonder this because if you feel that it was especially the police's treatment that has added to you distress, they may be the people best placed to offer support.
I hope you can find the peace that you need.

Grief and bereavement are complicated emotions and experiences that will affect us all differently. I believe that it's far more common than most people think for us to feel a sense of guilt after someone dies. It’s difficult sometimes to understand the role that guilt plays in the grieving process, especially if you yourself do not understand where it comes from. It can also be difficult to process and cope with any guilt if the people in your life are responding to your feelings by telling you not to feel guilty. The sentiments may be coming from the right place, but that doesn’t necessarily make the process any easier.
The best advice I've heard was just like with any negative feeling you experience during / after the grieving process, the goal is not to try and pretend that these feelings don’t exist or make yourself feel bad about what are perfectly natural emotions. Talk those feelings through and try to understand them and turn them into something positive.
Sometimes someone else’s perspective is extremely valuable when coming to terms with your own thoughts and feelings.

I am presuming this is the suicide of a close relative/friend ?
I hope you get some counselling

I am sorry to hear about this but I do think the advice is good some professional counselling is really needed to help you petitfleur1.

The right words at the right time can have a massive effect on someone's life and sadly it sounds like you weren't treated well at all. I am sorry for this. I agree with other posters that talking things through with a trained professional now will hopefully help a lot. Keep talking here if it helps at all

Your post resonated with me.
I'm sorry you went through what sounds a pretty harrowing experience.
Do you feel like it would help you to discuss this?
Because maybe group therapy with others in a similar position might be useful?
Guilt is a very difficult emotion to deal with, and death and guilt combined bring out deep seated issues, as I'm.sure you know
I hope your coping

How sad for you, guilt is such a destructive thing to live with. If you’ve had counselling I expect all the usual things were said to you, but was that a long time ago? Times have moved on and an up to date counsellor may be able to help.

I think if this is still bothering you so much you probably should think about counselling as a way to come to terms with your feelings.