I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

There is still such a lot of stigma attached to mental health issues as a result of which lots of people still don't understand what anxiety is (as a recognised medical condition, that is!! ) or what it really means for the sufferer. The same with PND. So sorry you've had such a difficult time.

In addition to all the other positive things suggested on this thread to mend the relationship, could you perhaps find an opportunity at some point to explain to your MIL the impact of these illnesses on you? NOT to excuse - but to help her understand.

I absolutely agree with everything ElaineRI55 has said re support in future.

Maybe try when restrictions are lifted to have some regular quality time with your MIL doing things you both might enjoy? These don't have to be expensive or massively time consuming, and it would show you are making an effort.

Omg would I love an apology from my dil. She has ripped our family apart alienating our DS from everyone that loves and cares for him, including his friends. I have given up trying to mend things and stepped back so as not to suffer any more upset and so my son doesn't feel torn. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but for me this would mean so much.

Write the letter...you have no idea of the positive impact this will have and just maybe she never realised the anguish and challenges you have faced.

Short honest note with bunch of flowers ?

You sound like a lovely and very self aware person, wish you were my DiL !

Best of luck

I wish my daughter in law would write me a letter or send me a text to explain what it is I've done or said to upset her and why she has turned my son and granddaughters against me.

Well done on being honest, insightful and brave enough to share this. Don't be too hard on yourself though. Mental health challenges, including PND, can be very tough.
I would think flowers and a card might be best. Not too heavy but just apologise in a few words and you could thank her for still being there when you were struggling with PND if you think that's appropriate.
I hope you managed to get professional support when you were struggling with anxiety or PND and would look for it in future if needed- it can make a big difference.
All the best.

Agree with most of the comments already said. If I was your mil it would make me so happy to receive a card with some kind words acknowledging your behaviour least that way your not confronting her, as you said she doesn’t like confrontation so don’t put her on the spot. It’s a lovely gesture by the way.

"I have suffered with anxiety and PND over the years and I feel like my in laws have always taken the brunt of this. They mean well, they aren’t the most interested but their hearts are in the right place. Looking back at my behaviour, I know I can be a prickly character and I haven’t been great all the time! Not all bad!! But definitely not perfect- I have had some bad moments ?"

May I ask what your ILs did or didnt do when you were going through a rough patch? Why do you say their hearts were in the right place?

Nobody is perfect and we all have our ups and downs.

Don’t make a big deal...send a bunch of flowers and include a card that says something like
“I may not always say it, but I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do. lots of love...” It won’t cause any embarrassment or cringiness but will definitely get your message across.

If you've caused trouble in the past she will have learnt to watch out, so it would be good to communicate that you've realised you've been 'difficult'. I'd say change your attitude right away (but I guess you already have). The benefit of communicating it explicitly will be that your MIL will be less guarded. It may take time for her to believe you have really changed. Good luck with it all.

Hi OP, please do NOT do the apology face to face like Mokryna has told you to do! I am a Mil who has had some falling outs with my DiL, both to blame on different occasions, I also hate conflict, and much prefer to have time to digest important things than reacting straight away. I would hate my DiL to discuss something like that with me face to face, but I would really appreciate the apology in written form, and my chance to apologised back. Thank you OP for thinking to do this, if your MiL really is a kind person at heart, she will feel relieved, happy, and very grateful to you for doing that. My DiL that I have had some arguments with is very much loved by me, and I am so happy that I am able to tell her that these days. I miss her, my son and my GC so much during these lockdowns.

Take a nice bunch of flowers & then give a brief apology. Don't make too much of it but say you know you have been difficult & you are trying to be nicer in future..
Then if a hug is in order - great. If not that sort of relationship just a big smile

It takes a lot to admit you didn’t behave as well as you could - send a letter/take flowers/have an honest conversation - hopefully any or all will be well received and you can move forward in life. It’s all a learning curve, none of us are perfect ??

I think it would be better just to seek a private face to face moment with MIL (maybe take flowers round) and just say something simple along the lines of you know you haven't been the easiest person in the past and you're sorry for that but you're trying to change for the better.

How about a Mother's day card just from you. Maybe a little apology inside explaining things a little

georgia101

If your mother in law doesn't like confrontation, a quick, ' I really appreciate all the support you've given me in the past even if I haven't said so before', might be enough. Maybe flowers too, but I would let actions speak for you from then on. I hope you enjoy your relationship from now onwards.

I agree with this. You can't help having been unwell either, I'm sure she has understood even if you may have been difficult. My MIL is one for not showing feelings etc and really doesn't cope well with talking about emotions but I know she has never blamed my brother in law for being mentally unwell, even if he was difficult, infact to me she has been quite sympathetic about him (though puts on a tought front with my sister in law - her daughter) aren't families complicated?

justwokeup

I'd feel very uncomfortable with a conversation like that but a bunch of flowers with a card saying 'thank you for everything you do', signed just by you, would be lovely and very much appreciated. That's all, make your future actions speak louder than words. I've just done this with a family member, can't remember why we started off badly, but it's never too late to get along better.

I agree totally. Actions are so much better. Good luck going forward.

Cornishpatsy has the best answer.

What a wonderful post.
I wish you were my DIL.
For 22 yrs mine has swapped back and forth from being all over me and love bombing me to being the most hurtful destructive person I’ve ever know. One minute she wants me to have a relationship with her girls and the next takes them away again. She has quietly destroyed the family. For some time I hoped she might feel like you and apologise, but that will never happen.
Well done to you, and I’m sure your MIL will be so receptive and delighted. I personally wouldn’t want the flowers..lovely though they are, I’d much prefer an apology, it would mean so much more. I’d like to be able to understand what I do so wrong so I can work on it.
Good luck with your ongoing relationship which I’m sure will be so much better.

Both! Only trying to change your behaviour won’t heal the past by itself. It’s really best to come out with that specific apology as well. Written or spoken.
You sound like a very dear, conscientious daughter in law and I bet your inlaws are more fond of you than you realise

I think your epiphany is wonderful, and you should share it with MiL. A formal letter might be too much, but a card on Mothering Sunday saying how much you have appreciated her efforts over the years, and an apology for not being the ideal DiL, perhaps with a large bunch of her favourite flowers would make such a difference to your relationship. She can read the card in her own time, rather than having to share her emotions in front of you, but I bet she will keep and treasure it!

There is also the point that if you do say something, you will have created a starting point from which you can move forward with your behaviour, and if she know your feelings, she will be much more receptive. Good on you!

Owning up to your bad behaviour is an amazing thing to do. I think if I was you I would write a letter too, but to apologise in person as well maybe at the time of your apology hand your in laws the letter.
Sometimes a letter means more but to actually say sorry in person is harder. Well done

You are obviously a better DIL than you think to have considered that you may not have done enough in the past. How brave and honest . Do both, and I hope that you both will enjoy each other’s company going forward. ?

I think she’d be overjoyed to hear from you. And well done you for your reflection and being self critical. We should all do some of that. She’s a lucky MIl. And I’m sure she will be more interested now!

this is the best advice - just be more attentive to your mil in future. no need to put anything in writing. the past is the past its a difficult relationship.

Hi there I think you should do both. Send a letter, and then apologise at a later appropriate moment, and just say something like 'I hope you can forgive my past behaviour'.
I think if you just amended your behaviour, theres a possibility that if your MiL passed you would always regret not saying anything, and be wondering 'did she notice I changed?'
Good luck, and good for you to be willing to think about your past behaviour and being willing to change ❤️