Inverted snobbery or just jealousy?

Jealously simply makes everyone unhappy, oh I agree. I remember as a child, my parents were friends with a very nice, kind couple. But, this couple were always terribly envious of anyone who had 'done better' than them, it ate them up with jealousy. They used to drive around really expensive areas, gawping at and resenting houses which were beyond their wildest dreams, so much so that they failed to recognise that their own modest, but beautiful home would be 'beyond the wildest dreams' of many. Sad really.

I've never understood why people are jealous of other people. I'm not saying that I wouldn't like more money....why else would I do the lottery...but it's not the be all and end all of life. Some people are luckier than others. Some make different decisions about pensions etc. If you envy others then you simply spoil your own life.

My sister is someone who likes to own things. She has a lovely house and lots of possessions. Is she any happier than me? I don't know. She's always striving for more. She works hard in order to buy things she wants. A couple of years ago she and her husband semi retired and decided to travel around Australia (where they live). The plan was to work occasionally picking fruit etc. whilst touring. It sounded wonderful to me. What an amazing way to spend your retirement. Two years on and they were bored so both went back to work. He's a light aircraft pilot and a wagon driver. She's a government and business consultant. They actually work harder now than they did before they retired and have gone back to accumulating things. DH and I worked equally as hard as they did but our personalities are different. We love experiencing and seeing things. Possessions don't have the same appeal to us as long as we have what we need.

It's courses for horses. Jealously simply makes everyone unhappy.

That’s sad for your friend but it’s their families loss.
Personally my life has been a roller coaster financially and I have had wonderful things and possessions and also nothing.
I’m happy having friends that share their nice homes with me and homes in other countries. But l am also a lot more free than they are because now I have a tiny little apartment not encumbered with houses gardens and property abroad.
But l enjoy staying in the country cottages and seaside homes of friends, real friends.

I don't like the phrase "worked hard". If anyone didn't work hard, I don't think they would be in a job for long. If self-employed, unless you worked hard, you could be in danger of becoming bankrupt.
I think a lot of it is luck, being in the right place at the right time.

^ You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course^

Not always true though is it? Yes, people may have achieved what they want and have through hard work, but many, many others also work hard and don't get anywhere near what they deserve such as a safe, clean home and enough money to live day to day. This train of thought is like the 'deserving and undeserving poor'. Things can happen to people, hard working decent people, bankruptcy, family illness, all sorts of things. I have friends who have much more in terms of home and income than we do, and some who have less. None of them have worked any differently from the others.

It's a wonder people post to be met with some bitter responses. It is obviously upsetting for your friend who has generously offered her family an open invitation. They sound lovely people and I do hope she doesn't let the jelousy of others spoil it for her. I have a close family member who cut her family and friends off and remade her life with the new rich friends. Very hurtful but we are not part of her life, don't even know her address. So good luck to your friends.

I can totally relate to this. We have lived overseas for many years, and my husband and I have worked very hard for what we have. His siblings all had the same upbringing, they are all intelligent people, and they all had the same opportunities in life, but they chose different paths. Sadly, over the years, his family have made comments about our life which I can only say stems from jealousy/envy. Yet my own family/friends have been completely the opposite. We are certainly never boastful about our life ... in fact, quite the opposite, as we only talk about things if people ask us about something, and want to know. It has been quite hurtful in the past, especially when our children were growing up, and his family were never interested to ask how they were getting on (grandparents included), or indeed ask anything about what we were up to. If they had really taken the time to bother, they would know that our life hasn't always been rosy, and has sometimes be difficult. They seem to assume that we have always lead a charmed life, when quite the opposite is true. However, they would happily talk non stop about things to do with their own lives, and their children, and we would be interested in whatever they had to say, but their lack of interest in anything to do with us speaks volumes.

Me too gt66 why do some posters feel the need to be so condescending and patronising towards a poster who posed a perfectly acceptable question asking for people’s experiences. It’s just so pathetic.

We have something of an opposite problem. We are friendly with two couples who have far more money than we ever will. They don't have children. I've noticed they often play down things they have bought or improvements to their houses etc. I understand they don't want us to feel uncomfortable but we really don't mind. We are happy with our smaller house, older car etc. I limit conversation about children bragging discussing grandchildren etc. We all get along well despite this though.

Exactly, it's just "stuff", and that was what I said. I could live in the garden shed and be the same person.
Maybe the OP's friend is blowing her own trumpet a bit or patting herself on the back, but that doesn't make her a snob either. Maybe just a sense of achievement for her?

You can’t take any of it with you, can you ? Best thing is to enjoy things when you can and share with your family and friends to make their lives happy,too.

Exactly PippaZ. I wouldn't always blame the others looking in. Take on no airs and graces and be the same person you have always been. The things you own are just stuff.

If others change towards you, maybe you have changed towards them.

yatch yacht

I may be wrong but I am getting the impression that some people want others to be jealous. Re the "beautiful villa in Spain". It does depend on when it comes up in conversation surely? If you join a conversation on holidays, say, and it comes up as you holiday there - no problem. However, surely we all grew up believing (except some in the 80s when we had Harry Enfield's 'Loadsamoney') that over-display and flaunting of your assets was not a great way to behave. So, dropping it into a conversation about something else completely and describing it down to the last detail may not go down as well.

I am neither pleased nor not pleased for people I don't know although I am happy they are happy with their lives. I still don't want to hear about it endlessly though. Where friends or family are concerned it's different; I would be interested although even then enough is often enough at some point. I don't think that is jealousy as much as boredom.

I go back to what I said before. Surely you suit your conversation, including how much you run on about your villa, yatch, etc., to the people you have made your audience?

nanna8 is right that having a lot in one country doesn't mean you are actually rolling in money or even boasting. But some (jealous) people do jump to conclusions.
If you listen to everyone on those New Life in the sun programmes they all say, "We could never have afforded this property and lifestyle in the UK." Three gîtes, a swimming pool and tennis courts in France for example can be equal to a terraced house in London. I have "done" both and was equally happy.
I too am pleased for anyone who has enjoyed their lives to the full and seized opportunities. You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course you come from landed gentry. It's nice to be pleased for people who have got what they wanted from their lives. Their stories are interesting.
I don't think the OP's friend should let it worry her.

I dont understand the jealousy and envy either. I have to say there are a few resentful posters on here.
People who have too much time on their hands, or are unhappy with their own lives are the worst offenders.

How many have come asunder after winning millions on the lottery ? No thanks, if that's the effect money has on people.

nanna8

We’ve got a swimming pool and a beach house but we worked damned hard all our lives and at one stage had several jobs between us. No one gave us anything, ever and we share our beach house with our extended family who spend more time down there than we do. We aren’t rich by today’s standards - not in Australia anyway - in fact our come is below average now we have retired.

Great. Lucky you. Because in times when we don't have full employment this is always going to be more by luck than judgement. Many people work just as hard and don't do as well; some do better but why, oh why, do we have to hear about it!

Seriously, I doubt anyone on GN is interested in other peoples actual wealth or lack of it. They may be, in a rather distanced way, pleased that you take pleasure in it or they may dislike having their noses rubbed in the fact that their life didn't go that way. It always used to be considered bad manners to talk about your wealth and aquisitions and I have a feeling it still puts those who do in a catagory of those who want to show themselves as posher than posh (as they used to say about the new middle classes).

Refering back to the OP, it really isn't interesting in general conversation and it can be gross and just plain rude.

We’ve got a swimming pool and a beach house but we worked damned hard all our lives and at one stage had several jobs between us. No one gave us anything, ever and we share our beach house with our extended family who spend more time down there than we do. We aren’t rich by today’s standards - not in Australia anyway - in fact our come is below average now we have retired.

We have some friends who have done very well for themselves, now have successful business, large house with view and swimming pool etc. He has two brothers that have never made any good decisions and have wasted money and opportunities when they came around.

I know the brothers have each at some point come to the successful brother to bail them out or expect a loan for some ill-advised project. They have been very resentful when he has refused them. As it is, one of the brothers shows up with family including grandchildren expecting to be pampered for a week at his brothers as if it were a hotel. It has caused much tension over the years between our friends as a couple. The wife puts on a good face, but has no respect for the brothers. We know the whole family (these were my DH's best bud growing up and his brothers), and have heard a few snide remarks over the years. It's a bit hard to hear. Too bad people have to be that way.

I often find in life, if you’re happy in your own skin and with your lot in life you don’t envy others. If you’re lacking something - money, choices, peace of mind - for whatever reason - it’s harder not to.

The problem is jealousy often leads to spite and people going out of their way to do something to hurt or interfere with the person they are jealous of.

But people who make their jealousy and snobbery obvious are people to ignore. I simply can’t be doing with such silly behaviour, and as I said I’m sure the person enjoying her life in Spain and wherever will be sensible and not give it too much thought as I’m sure she can think of other stuff far more important to worry about.

All power to her elbow I say.

There is a peculiar British characteristic of resenting other people's success, and delighting in their downfall. One only has to see the nastier end of the tabloid press for this. Having said that, many people work hard and don't achieve all they should or want to, some work hard and then lose it through unfortunate and/or unforeseen circumstances, and others are just plain lucky! Good luck to your friend, I wish her happiness and good health and enjoyment in her lovely home in the sun.

Whitewavemark2

I’m sure there are more important things in life to worry about.

I'm sure there are Whitewavemark2, and there is such a thing as judging your audience. I have a feeling anyone constantly talking about themselves would find their family/friends slowly drifting away. Having said that it is a problem of lockdown where many of us shut in our homes have little else they can refer too and you can only ask so often "how was your day" when the answer is always "I was in meetings (zoom style) all day".