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Feeling sad no one to ask for advice

(27 Posts)
Brightsky1 Thu 25-Mar-21 10:19:28

I know a lot of people are going through worse things right now, sorry. I have no real family anymore and was just reading some of the threads on here and everyone is so kind and nice with their advice, never had a gran really so just asking for some help and advice. I was caring for someone for a long time this stopped back in Sept last year, so most of my 30's I could not really get out there are meet someone and start a family. You always hope someone just comes along, but that never really happens in real life. If in normal times I would have in Sept got out there and joined clubs and volunteered etc as that is how I would like to meet someone more naturally, as online dating is just not for me. I could not really do all this obviously like so many people at the moment. I have just turned 40 recently and just so sad and upset that my chances of finding someone and starting a family won't happen now. I was not career minded or anything, it has just been hard to meet someone other than work and there was never anyone, mostly female work people. It is just really upsetting me a lot and all I can think about, that it is over and lost my chance. It all takes time to meet someone and get to know them etc. I would love my own children and have a family unit. I can't do it alone as no family support etc, and wanted the family unit. I just feel so lost and alone and feel I have no meaning or purpose at the moment. I also feel I have messed it all up and and should have tried harder somehow but it was really hard. I just wish someone knew someone and meet someone that way as be nice as quite shy as well but no one does. Sorry just feeling really sad at the thought of it and the future without having a family and kids. Thank-you for listening

Septimia Thu 25-Mar-21 10:37:50

It's difficult to meet people at the moment, of course, and it certainly doesn't help your situation. But don't give up!

My son was divorced and, because he had a child to look after, felt he wouldn't meet anyone who would be interested. He did, though. She was in a similar situation to you. It hasn't always been easy, but things have improved and starting a family isn't off the books.

Even if you don't manage the family, having someone to share your life with is a good thing. So stay open-minded and positive. I hope you'll find that special person before too long.

grannypiper Thu 25-Mar-21 10:39:12

Morning Brightsky1 You sound like a wonderfully caring warm person and i am sure you haven't messed your life up. Life is opening up for you now that you have time to yourself and that lockdown seems to be coming to an end. Think of this as a new start. Please use the internet to find local social groups i.e a church group ( you don't have to go to church) a walking group or craft groups. Don't dismiss online dating, just choose the right sites. Try volunteering either at a foodbank, charity shop, anywhere that will get you out and about. Say yes to everything, be open to new people and new experiences. You can do this. You want a new life, well go and get it and remember you are not alone, your friends here on GN are rooting for you. Go for a walk today and start your new lifeflowers

Peasblossom Thu 25-Mar-21 10:40:54

It’s a difficult time to be starting a new life. The opportunities are very restricted but hopefully by the Autumn things will be better.

I just want to say that at 40 is not too late. All kinds of things could happen if you really put yourself out there.
It’s still possible to meet someone and have a child of your own.
It’s even more possible to meet someone who’s relationship has failed and is looking for a fresh start. And to become part of their family.
It’s very possible to start spending your non-working time as you please, doing things you like and enjoying independence.

I don’t want to make light of your feelings, but truly life only happens if you make it happen. I do know what it’s like to have to remake a life and I love being part of my borrowed family.🙂
I hope the next year brings you everything you wish💐

Franbern Thu 25-Mar-21 11:05:16

Brightsky you are probably having a reaction to your recent 40th birthday. But, you surely know that there is so much more to life than having a child or children. Even for those of us that did this, it is only for a comparative short period of our lives. Most of our lives are living childless.

Yes, it is so difficult at present to actually meet people, although so many groups are meeting via zoom. Not long now, hopefully, until more groups will be having proper meetings, particularly those that can do so outdoors.

Do not dwell on thoughts of any sort of wasted past time, just remember how much time you have to look forward to. Forget about the idea of meeting up with any sort of life partner and concentrat on just getting to know people and, maybe, making new friends (of any gender).

So many charities want people of all sorts of skills, involving children, older people, sick people, and many such groups such as sports clubs etc. Find out now, whilst you have the time to do some checking, on what you think may interest you, ready to join as soon as permitted. Think about taking up some sort of learning activity - interesting, fun and will meet other people.

Having children should never be the be all of our lives. Look forward with glass half full attitude and I am sure that within a short time you will able to realise what an enjoyable and fulfilling life you have.

wildswan16 Thu 25-Mar-21 11:21:49

I have three sons. They all married between 38 and 41. Their partners were all about the same age.

Don't be so quick to write yourself off as forever single. But I do think it is important that you are content being single for the time being - there is nothing worse than being desperate for a partner - that is how mistakes happen.

If it doesn't happen your life can still be full of rewarding times - it is up to each individual. Good luck.

Ro60 Thu 25-Mar-21 11:28:38

Brightsky What a lovely positive name.
I think you're on the way to re-booting your life.
Nothing is impossible so long as you want it enough.
Children are not impossible either. Adoption agencies take all ages & situations and with your carers role you're not entirely without experience.
Fostering is another option.
As you said, joining groups & clubs is a great start - hopefully not too long now & a good time to start with new groups starting up after we're released from lockdown.
Use GN as well & count us as part of your new life.

cornishpatsy Thu 25-Mar-21 12:07:48

I got married when I was 50, a friend at 72 and I can think of 4 more people that met people in their 60s that are in relationships.

When it is possible to mix again surround yourself with as many people as possible, get involved with a group you have an interest in. The people you meet may introduce you to their friends and relatives or know someone they think would be right for you.

It is never too late to form a relationship but people are not going to knock on your door and ask you out, you need to be proactive.

Redhead56 Thu 25-Mar-21 12:35:10

I remarried at forty never in a million years did I think I would. As others have said do not right yourself off forty is not old. If you have been caring for someone it shows you have a caring and considerate nature.
I believe fate takes a hand when it’s unexpected you will meet someone. You need to get out if you have a little dog that’s a great way to get fresh air and brighten up your mood. Also it’s a good way to meet people force yourself to go out more as normality returns. If you have the time volunteer it’s a good way to meet other people.
Where I live there are groups and singles who go walking taking little picnics enjoying other company. This could be a new start for you now and probably a lot of people. Coming out of lockdown with new energy best wishes too you💐

Grammaretto Thu 25-Mar-21 13:48:04

I know you say that online dating is not for you but remember that the person made for you may be sitting at his computer with the very same thought - right now.

And then there are Meet up groups, already mentioned
www.meetup.com/

Someone I know met her farmer on here:
www.muddymatches.co.uk/farmer-marriage

Finally, I know someone whose mother was 42 when he and his twin brother were born. His parents had been married for 20 years and were very surprised nearly died of shock. She lived until she was 102 but didn't have any more children!

silverlining48 Thu 25-Mar-21 13:54:17

Hello brightsky. I cant add more to what has already been said. I hope it helps. 40 used to be when life begins. You are still young, this too will pass and all will be well.

Mubl4 Thu 25-Mar-21 14:02:10

Brightsky - it is not too late! You really are still young and as long as you find the activities that interest you and give you pleasure you will open your life to others who can be a positive part of your life. As Silverlining says “all will be well” once life becomes more “normal” there will be many more opportunities for you and many others! Sending you a hug.

ayse Thu 25-Mar-21 14:09:21

My ex’s wife was a single lady for a long time. She has been welcomed into our extended family and is known to all the children as Yaya.

Try to stay positive and when you can get out there. I’ve quite recently made a new female friend via a friendship website just for women. It didn’t cost much and was well worth the effort. This has been a good start.

Just to let you know I have a tiny social network currently but as soon as we reopen, I’m planning to join U3A. As others have said, just try something new. You never know who you may meet.

Yabbie Thu 25-Mar-21 23:49:40

Don't worry. You never know what is in front of you. My younger sister decided that she would never have children because she had a genetic illness. She had a dreadful first marriage then met a lovely man when she was in her forties. He was a widower with two young sons. Instant family. She met him at work.
My first marriage ended badly after 33 years. I spent the next couple of years saying (and meaning) that given a choice between a man and a bullet, I'd like to be shot. My second husband came to work on my house. We were blissfully happy for a short time before he was killed in a tractor accident. I was then sixty. Now I am happily living with a man that I met when he shod my horses.
I'm fat and no beauty.
Truly you never know what will happen in life.
You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure there's someone out there who is right for you.

crazyH Fri 26-Mar-21 00:00:33

Brightsky, you sound so lovely. Good grief, you are a baby compared to most of us on here. Don’t write yourself off. There’s someone round the corner for you ...just keep walking . Wish you all the best flowers

Nonogran Fri 26-Mar-21 13:23:57

Hello Brightsky! Chin up!
Life turns on a sixpence! I moved house and was all alone in my early 50's. The first time I attended my new Parish Church for communion I met a lovely chap who became a wonderful & close friend for several years until he moved away.
Since then, in my sixties I've met my current lovely man who came into my life via the internet. However, be very very careful of internet dating. If anyone anyone at all, asks you for even the cost of a postage stamp, run a mile & block them. There are massive "romance scams" out there & vulnerable women & some men get sucked into terrible financially ruining scams. It's rife so if in doubt listen to your gut.
When I am out and about I have conversations with lots of strangers at bus stops, in queues, walking my daughter's dog and so on. If you can do something similar, cautiously of course, who knows what the future holds. Open your mind to all possibilities & don't give up! Good luck.

luluaugust Fri 26-Mar-21 16:54:57

I agree with everyone saying you need to get out there as soon as we can, love turns up in unexpected places. A friend of my mums was around 45 when she found herself holidaying on her own, the weather was awful and she took the bus each day to see different places, she got talking to the bus driver and a very happy marriage followed. Another friend who was in her fifties was dragged off on a tennis holiday by two younger friends, she really didn't want to go but again she met a lovely chap and they had some happy years together. Good luck and lets hope everything starts up again soon.

AGAA4 Fri 26-Mar-21 17:04:25

Good Luck Brightsky. Lots of positive stories here. At 40 the world is your oyster so as soon as we are out of all these restrictions get out and find things you enjoy doing. Life can surprise you sometimes and the good thing you hoped for happens when you least expect it. flowers

Patsy70 Fri 26-Mar-21 17:14:24

Sound advice from everyone here Brightsky1. So many opportunities await you, but you will have to take the first step. Wishing you joy. flowers

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 26-Mar-21 17:25:46

Forty is not old these days. I’ve known of a few people who have started families at that age. I agree with others. I think once we can get back to normal, things will happen naturally. Don’t despair, you’re still very young. All the best 💐

Brightsky1 Sun 28-Mar-21 17:10:25

I just wanted to say thank-you for all the replies and very kind words and advice. You are lovely people on Gransnet and I appreciate each reply and time taken to offer advice. I feel I have lost my sense of purpose at the moment and I am missing having any family anymore, it has not helped with lockdown. I will hopefully find my purpose soon and will get out there as soon as I can, and hope to make many new friends etc. I also will hold onto hope that I may meet someone and still have children as that would be a lovely bonus as would love to have a family unit and to have children of my own. I used to be very optimistic and had hope but through the years due to some not nice situations I have lost that hope a bit, but with all your kind words I will try and get hope back! Take care everyone and thank-you again for all the hugs which I am missing a lot of at the moment! x

Ro60 Sun 28-Mar-21 17:17:16

Love & best wishes. You seem a really beautiful person doing well to stay possitive. Clocks going forward today so spring is on its way.
Tuesday's supposed to be warm & sunny.

You know where we all are if you want some company

Best wishes x

DanniRae Sun 28-Mar-21 17:49:47

Just to say that my daughter didn't think that she would have a family but she became pregnant at 45. This little girl is my first grandchild and is the most adorable child.
So as has already been said, when you can, get out there and meet as many new people as you can sunshine........a dog is a brilliant idea BTW!!
Good Luck flowers

Kim19 Sun 28-Mar-21 17:58:07

It is my opinion (and experience) that love will find you when you aren't particularly looking for it. When allowed, get out there and circulate in arenas that interest you. I wish you well and feel quietly confident that you will not be alone forever.

aonk Sun 28-Mar-21 18:08:03

A colleague of mine started looking for a partner when she was 50. She joined a dating agency. I believe this a safer option than internet dating but there is a cost involved. After meeting a couple of pleasant men for evenings out she met the man she’s now married to. He’s of a similar age and lived about 20 miles away.
Also my SIL met someone at 68. She visited a friend and met a lovely widower.
Don’t give up hope.