Why do Grandparents not bother with Grandson

Sorry but I think they sound very controlling, they don’t like your parents being with their grandson but don’t want much contact themselves, I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to them about it people like this can feel intimidating.
If I were you I would get your husband to speak to them about it and remind them how quickly children grow and it will be to late as they won’t be able to turn back the clock.
At least he has one set of loving grandparents, don’t stop posting pics it’s their problem not yours, they will miss out but you have given them the choice

It sounds to me with what you have written that they have the problem. It's an annoying problem too trying to please everyone when in fact you end up pleasing no one! Just offer the invites with your husband and leave it. Don't get upset with your husband it's not worth it. Some people sadly just enjoy moaning and they are often the very ones that complain no one ever visits them and it's not surprising either! Carry on the lovely relationship you have with your own parents and little lad. As long as they get invites then accept there is nothing else you can do. Good luck

I’ve invited them to go to the park with their Grandson..they refused.

Haven't we been in lockdown for a year? Maybe they don't want to take any risk. My stepfather has health anxiety and he wouldn't be taking any chances even after vaccination and lockdown easing. Communicating with a 3 year old on Zoom or phone is often a thankless process so maybe in makes them avoid that.
I'd let your husband intervene when lockdown is over and they are allowed contact.

I had lovely grandparents, and yet my mum was never much bothered with my kids. Their other gran (grandpas both died young) was much the same. However both grandmothers seem to have a lot more time for other grandchildren.
What's the point of this? I don't understand grandmothers. But I try to be a good gran because I understand the advantages for the child. (And she's gorgeous!)

One of my sons (I'd remarried) his other grandparents never bothered about him, and his dad very rarely took him to see them, (my (then)hubby had a step-dad,so i understood HE might not feel involved much, but his own mother?) Final straw was when it was his birthday and she gave him a cheap toy from morrisons that she obviously got while shopping and they weren't poor either! Yet she was 'all over' her daughters kids& other sons 2... it doesn't bother my son that he now never sees them, nor his dad, who he now considers a waste of time...youngest sons grandparents, well, his nanna is too pushy and has always wanted 'more' than my sons prepared to give as he's a very 'recluse' aloof sort of person, (hes 18 soon) but she's always been like this- despite his dad& i divorcing.So luckily perhaps for my son he doesn't have to see her often.But she does give my other son money on his birthday, xmas etc, same as her own grandson, so not all bad.His grandad is ok, more laid back.My parents passed away years ago, so no other GP's. If your husbands parents 'dont like' to see photos of your son with his other GP's tell them they don't have to look at them then,its a choice.Or block them from seeing what's there. But maybe your hubby can be the one to keep him in touch with them, by ringing or video calling or whatever to let them speak to him?If they're interested??

KelseyLou

The photo was of my parents with my son. A comment was made to my partner when he saw them last year on his own to drop of a present saying they don’t like seeing my son with my parents. Why should I not put a photo up of them?

Your partner's parents sound utterly unreasonable, self-absorbed and to be brutally honest, pretty toxic altogether. I don't think I'd WANT my son to have involvement with them in your place! Of course you should post as many photo's as you like of your parent's with your son: THEY are acting as normal, loving grandparents and it's on your partner's parents own heads that they're not part of your son's life. I wouldn't spare them another thought if I were you. If it bothers your partner, well he can jolly well deal with them - frankly I think you should be grateful for the lack of contact with such horrid people.

KelseyLou - sounds like there's some jealousy here coming paternal grandparents about maternal grandparents. If it was last year when the comment was made that they didn't like seeing your son with his maternal grandparents that says it all - jealousy. When people are jealous they often remove themselves from the arena because they think they have to compete. You need a full and frank conversation with them and your husband but please get all your facts straight first, detail all the texts you've sent inviting them to do things with you, and all their refusals - and ask the question of why they don't like seeing pictures of your parents with your son (I think this was one photograph from what you say and they said this once). You need to call them out on this - get it out into the open. The big problem is that if they are jealous of your parents, and they subsequently get to spend time with your son alone, they may fill his head with bad feeling about his other grandparents so you have to sort it out now. And if they have other grandchildren it might be useful to explore their involvement with them.

There are some grandparents for whom their grandchildren are show items. They display nice photos in their homes and make sure they are seen in pictures with them on Facebook etc. They don't get involved beyond the most superficial visits - just enough to show other people. Don't bother with their moans. Just keep in touch in a minimal way and keep on saying they are welcome etc. I don't understand them either. They are the ones missing out.

My own GC,(i have older AC too) i have a good relationship with myself- both sons& daughters kids- and in normal times often they'd take turns to come on holidays, or come to stay, or we visit as much as possible (most of them live hour&half away) so we've found it hard this last year .(me AND them) I'm pleased to say I'm ALL my GC's favourite G.P, that's because I've always been there, done things with them..We've made memories.Their parents did that with my mum too.Sadly she died before my two youngest were born.But i and their older siblings talk of her a lot, and share their memories with them, and with their own kids.?Maybe if your husband speaks to his parents, after lockdown, when they feel safer, they too can make their own memories?

Nannan2 we had the same situation with MIL only the only present she bought our son one Christmas was a plastic boat from a charity shop with scratch marks underneath while she proudly showed us a huge pile of presents for the other grandchild of her other favourite son. She continued in this vein throughout our sons life and when I mentioned her the other day our son, rather sadly, said that ship has sailed.

KelseyLou, being a concerned and involved grandparent - is not compulsory!

As it seems that they aren't interested, it's best to accept that. Stay in touch occasionally, but don't expect them to change or become the grandparents that you expected.

*question mark in wrong place?they DO share the memories, its not a question.?

Natasha76

I would not break contact with them because we never know what is going on in peoples lives so don't make judgements and be kind. There are 4 sets of people here to consider when weighing up your actions :-
1) Your son- He needs to have grandparents in his life and you should contiunue to call them and involve him as best you can. Ignore any nasty comments and keep phoning - say once every 2 weeks. You are setting your son an example as well don't forget.
2) Your Husband- Leave his realtionship with his parents to him. You can be supportive but don't put yourself in the middle.
3) Don't let any of this affect what you do with your parents as grandparents. Its not their problem and they should be allowed to enjoy their grandson and photos as much as they and you want.
4) Yourself- you've already made the decsion you don't need them if you are preared to stop trying to contact them but you also need to feel good about yourself and that you've done the right thing.
We all "have the relatives that we have" and you can't turn them into the relatives we would like to have. So be proud when you look back on how you have behaved and be kind.

I agree with this.

There can be problems caused by posting photos of children on social media. Is that the issue rather than who your son was with in the photo?

Do they have other grandchildren whom they see?

It could be much simpler. We told our children that we would regard all children as walking petri dishes until we are all safely immunized. they fully understood. We stay in contact with the parents but we hope to all share a holiday spread over two cottages in September. Grandparents , much as they love their grandchildren are resilient with interests of their own and their lives do not revolve around the activities of their grandchildren. To do that would be awkward and emvarrassing for them when they become teenagers.

You haven't really given enough information for anyone to draw any conclusions so I don't know why people are saying they are being toxic! We are in lockdown, we have been in lockdown more or less for the last 12 months, it is utterly miserable, don't make it any more miserable for yourself. They might be worried about covid, they might not. They might think their son needs to get in contact, they might not. The list is endless really. I would honestly keep in contact but not expect too much and then you are never disappointed.

I guess you're right Hetty58- but i couldn't imagine not being involved in my own GC's upbringing, and seeing them (in usual times) and this last year has been really awful..(longer really, as some I've not seen since december 2019!) Their parents dont ring as much as they did at beginning of lockdown, as they were busy with home schooling , working etc. and facetime only occasionally from one of them. I'm hoping all memories we made already will keep me fresh in their hearts& minds. Sadly my new(ish) GD born last june doesn't really know me yet.? (but my son's taught her to say 'nanny' now for when they facetimed other week) ?

Nannan2, I'm like you - and I miss them terribly. I have a grandson, born in November, that I've only seen on Zoom so far!

Still, there are far worse problems than distant, uninvolved grandparents. I had to actively guard/protect my children from my cruel mother!

What an unusual couple. You must be feeling very hurt. I think this happens quite often as you are the daughter-in-law, not their daughter. They are the ones missing out the most. Maybe it will improve as your child gets older. How did they treat you before you had a child? Do they have other grandchildren and if so, are they treated as badly?

I consider myself one of the very lucky grandmothers. My daughter let me share her children's childhood as much as possible. If they wanted me to babysit for a night they would bring them over to me and pick them up next morning. They would come weekends every two or three weeks. Essentially because if they missed a week they'd ask their mum 'can I fone nana and arrange to go for the weekend. Him at three and his sister at 2! My daughter said she would never dream of saying no unless there was something very important they were doing that weekend. They were a delight. I took them on holiday once a year to my sister in Wales. My home they considered their second home. They continued to do this until they were 12 or 13. Once they started secondary school it was only in the holidays. The are now at uni and I'm first on the list to visit when they come home. I love them so much and I believe they love me. Sorry everyone who doesn't have this good fortune but I had to say it's possible.

Very weird and hurtful,my daughter has the same problem and it’s gone on for 11 years.They see their granddaughter about twice a year and just turn up I can’t figure it out——- we have 7 grandchildren and see them as much as humanly possible.
Some people are selfish and feel they have done their child rearing,they are missing out on the best part of life.You sound lovely just pull back and see what the future brings.

Your parents-in-law cannot have it both ways, as others have said.

What was your relationship like to them before you had your son?

What is your husband doing about his parents in this connection?

Is he your husband or your partner? If you are not married and his parents are old-fashioned, I suspect that might be the trouble.

Go on seeing your parents as you please. If you feel like posting pictures of them and your son on facebook or whatever else you are doing, that is your business, not your parents'-in-law.

You have tried hard to improve this relationship, so I don't think there is more that you can do.

The paternal grandparents of my children were similar and very jealous of any time I spent with my parents. Our DD was their first grandchild. MiL even once said that as my mother had other grandchildren then she really had no rights spending time with our DD as she was her only GC and yet she wasn’t interested.

The other grandparents of my eldest dgd live in the same neighbourhood as her, and IGNORE her in the street.
I will never understand that.
Their behaviour isn't YOUR responsibility, you can only control yours and your reaction to it. They are the ones missing out.
Stop chasing them is my advice ?

KelseyLou, you carry right on posting whatever YOU, the parent, want to post of your child on social media.

If anything is said, your husband could reply, 'We invited you, too, but you didn't want to come.'

Your poor husband though. How sad for him.