Hi everyone, im not a nan but wanted to ask here to get different perspectives. I want to understand her point of view because i feel like our relationship is strained and i dont like it. I have a gut feeling she is resenting me, but im also resenting her. We had a great relationship and we still do but theres an unspoken tension and i want to sort it. MIL has put a lot of pressure on me to forefil her expectations of being a nan such as sleep overs, days babysitting etc. At times it felt like she cared more about makeing my baby more available for babysitting then she did about our needs as baby and mum. It's pushed me away and made me shun the idea of MIL haveing LO. If she wasnt so pushy I'd of been more open to the idea.
Im going to try shorten it, sorry if its a bit rushed. Im just going to try give an idea of everything
Im in my early 20s with my first child who is now 14 months old . I dont work and am a stay at home mum, i know im really lucky.
When i got pregnant MIL would tell me she was excited to have her over when she was born, telling me that i should book a meal 3 days ater birth and leave LO with her. Trying to get us to go on holiday with her to a cottage, 6 hours away when LO was 6 weeks old. She would tell me how me and partner can go for a walk and leave leave LO with her at the cottage.. when we said no, the holiday never happened. She spoke about doing extra hours at work to take days off to babysit. Talking about buying a cosleeper for sleepovers at her house. This is an idea of the things she would bring up at EVERY conversation. I was happy my soon to be babys nan was eager but at the same time, I was a first time mum and all these expectations to give up my child up before she was born made me anxious.
When baby was born, she picked us up from the hospital and for appointments such as jaundice, check ups etc I was groggy, tired, in pain but I was trying my best. During these car rides she would just tell me how I should teach LO to be on the bottle instead of just the breast so others can have her. Telling me she will become to attached to me and wont be able to go to others. That is mean to not give others a chance to feed LO as they are missing out on that bonding. Telling me to give dummys so she doesnt need the breast. One day in the car, I was sick if hearing the same comments and constantly justifying my parenting. I snapped and got really moody, my replies became very short and snappy. we all went silent and MIl had tears in her eyes. My partner got annoyed at me for speaking to his mum like that, but no one was considering how bad i was feeling and how much these comments were getting to me. She would call up to 10 times a day, even at 7am after being up all night and just getting to sleep 2 hours ago. These calls woke everyone up. I eventually i put all the phones on silent. She lives down the road so was always knocking and makeing up excuses to come round. I felt smothered. Every time she saw me I'd get atleast one critique and one reason I should do things differently so others can have LO. I was going through really bad PND, my partner was not supportive. He didnt help with the house work, baby duties or give any emotional support. It was all on me and I was struggling (things are better now) LO took a while to learn how to breastfeed so i was constantly back and fourth to the doctors but it sure gave MIL a reason to keep bringing up about letting others feed LO. I was trying so hard and all I felt from MIL was negativity, feeling smothered and her trying to control and manipulate me when I was in such a bad place. But at the same time she was really helping us out by fetching stuff from the shop, bringing some new baby clothes, comeing back from visiting my family and seeing a spotless house, being their to take me places as I dont drive. Out of the horrible pressures, she is a lovely woman but I feel like the negativity stuck with me more.
6 weeks after birth covid happened. When LO was born I said no smoking near her, wash hands before touching her. She questioned this, we were at a hospital appointment and had to stay a couple night. She was there messaging my partner how selfish this was and how she is sorry for putting my partner in the middle? No ones in the middle??? MiL came to the door with one of her sons who began smoking and the wind was blowing it all over my babys face. I pointed it out and mil went "hahahaha yh she doesnt like that, better go over there" in a sarcastic, mocking tone. I feel like she lacked respect for my wishes.
When covid hit, wed still get constant door knocks but after relising her comments were haveing no impact because I was sticking to exclusively breastfeeding and now she couldnt babysit, her comments changed to telling me i should stop holding LO so much incase she gets too attached and others cant have her after lockdown. Dummys were constantly being brought up because I didnt want to use them, my baby has never needed one but I'd still get the talk about how it soothed another baby to sleep. Shes now saying that when lockdown is over she can have her. She even started telling me how she could go in to hold minding as she has the qualifications, that she might change job and she would be qualified to her LO. FIL said, shut up shes just saying that because she wants LO.. she never shuts up. At this point I'm getting really annoyed with the pressure and I messaged her telling her that I'm not ready to leave LO yet but I'm grateful she loves her and wants to be involved. I wanted her to know that I love her but wasnt ready.
Despite tons of other comments, i shut myself off and accepted it as her trying to pass on parenting experience. I relised that maybe she was just trying to help. She eventually stops talking about babysitting but now I've been going round to hers on Saturdays and sundays, shes bringing it up again. 7 people live at mils house, LO screams at every single one of them apart from MIL because of the little contact shes had during lockdown. Not long ago we had another conversation about it. she just kept bringing up other nans and how they all get their grandkids for nights etc and how it's unfair she cant. I explain that LO isnt ready and until she is, I wont be. She has spent most her life in lockdown, those mums required baby sitting, I didnt. But despite the talks, every weekend she offers to have LO for a couple hours and I have to constantly repeat myself about why LO isnt ready and that she needs to get used to you all first. When I see MILs sisters, they ask me weather I'm going to let her have LO for a sleepover, if I'm ever going to leave LO with her etc
I'm starting to get really annoyed. I love her but I resent her. When LO is ready I will be ready to leave LO with MIl for one and one bonding but the more she pushes the more I'm retracting. The more I'm starting to not like her company. Shes even talking through her sisters which tells me shes been talking about it to them.
MIL has said that when she had her sons, she left for work at 7am and got home at 5pm. She only saw them for a bit in the morning and 2 hours after work. Her kids main care giver was her mum. MIls sisters kids are now heavily looked after by their mum when they work too. I think she sees being a nan as more of a coparenting role, that now she has more free time she can make up for the time lost with her sons. I love her spending time with my LO but my baby doesnt need 2 mums.
When Lo is with MIl I see the love in her eyes as she watches her play. I adore it. But at the same time I resent her for makeing me feel so smothered at a time when I was struggling, it's like she was watching me drown and used it as a way to manipulate me. It's like she cared more about her need to make up for time and experience being a mum again, then she did about us. I dont want to compete with a secound mum, but that's how she makes me feel. I hate her company when before I loved it. I love MIl, I really do.. I dont want to resent her. Why does she keep pushing and pushing
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