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Online dilemma

(28 Posts)
stayanotherday Tue 30-Mar-21 18:54:28


Hope you're all well. I'm sorry to ask and that I sound like a 12 year old but I'm very inexperienced, have nobody to ask and am feeling a bit fragile tonight.

I'm in my forties and a man started messaging me on a chat forum last autumn. I wasn't looking for anything but always reply to polite messages. He lives 3 hours away.

After a few months it was still going on and he asked if I'd be open to a zoom call. I agreed and we had a nice chat. It wasn't awkward at all. We had a laugh. Another two followed at my suggestion but he was keen and they were equally as fine. We agreed it would be nice to meet up when restrictions lift.

The last three weeks though, it's changed and seems more distant. I did ask if he was okay but he didn't really answer. Last week when I asked if he'd like to do another call in two days time he said he couldn't and "maybe on the weekend" which sounded vague and I was a bit surprised so I left the ball in his court.

I haven't been needy or desperate at all and have played it cool as it's best to take these things for what they are and not get over invested. I left it two days before replying a bright and breezy message as I'd been very busy and didn't mention another zoom call. I'm not suggesting it all the time and running around making all the effort with people anymore like I've done in the past.

After three days he's messaged today saying he'd been feeling fed up lately as he's been trying to get back into online dating but not getting any interest which is getting him down.

We're hardly in a relationship as I've not even met him but I had a feeling that was the reason for his cooling off. I'm taking that as he's clearly no longer interested and dropping a hint. He doesn't owe me anything but I feel now he was just killing time with me during lockdown until a 'better' option came along.

I won't pretend I'm not disappointed and a bit hurt on the quiet as we seem very similar. It would have been nice to meet just to see if there was anything there after 6 months. I've been let down by people generally most of my life and he said the same so it's a little bit of a kick in the teeth when he knows I'm genuine.

Please may I ask, how would you play it? Would you carry on as normal messaging, ignoring his comment as if you don't care and see how it plays out? But does that make me look like a mug who's happy to hang round until he finds somebody? Or would you send an "all the best" message and leave him to it?

I'm really stumped at how to reply without sounding like a spoiled brat! It's like it's a bit of a game but I really don't want to play games. I don't want to waste time if there's no point when I could be doing other things. Tbh I've had enough of being messed about by most people but don't want to develop a bad attitude. It's just I don't want to be a dormat anymore and am getting better at spotting the signs sooner. It's how to deal with it in a polite but with boundaries way is the issue!

Thanks for reading and any comments are most welcome.

muse Tue 30-Mar-21 22:29:55

My daughter is just in her 50s and has done both chat forums, where others have very similar interests to her, and also dating sites. The dating sites are what you make of them. It would be rare to find that ideal romance immediately, if ever.

This past year has been difficult emotionally for many. Many have lost the face to face contact they had through work and turned to chat forums.

I'm assuming you have both talked about relationships. You are having doubts about him now. If you don't like the way the chats have gone/not gone, then do as the others have suggested, forget him and move on.

stayanotherday Tue 30-Mar-21 22:49:34

Hope your daughter did well on them Muse and found kind likeminded people. It is rare and that's what he's going to find now but without having somebody on the back burner or for company and support. His family are all partnered. He gets put in the friend zone and supports others, the irony. He's gonna regret this when he's back on the scene, gets the same treatment and threw away a caring woman. It wasn't a relationship to be fair but he acted like he wanted one with me.

It's hard being on your own with no relationship or family and very few friends, especially when social outlets are closed. You have to make efforts to find people but yes, making efforts rarely work either. Thanks.