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What would you do?

(147 Posts)
bytheway Wed 31-Mar-21 13:20:47

5 years ago we had a big family fall out. I won’t go into the why’s but it resulted in my OH daughter taking the decision she needed a break from family, my DH tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t answer calls or texts. She has since also not spoken to her other siblings though keeps in touch with my daughter now and again who wasn’t involved in the fall out.

Here is the dilemma. My OH has recently come into a large amount of money and wishes to gift each child an equal amount. However, he is feeling a little aggrieved about giving to this daughter because despite what has happened we have continued to send money and cards for her children (our GC) for birthdays, Xmas, easter etc...but not once have we had an acknowledgment, a thankyou...nothing...despite the cheques having been cashed. Obviously, this is for the GC so we will still continue this as normal.

But he says it sticks in his throat that she would accept what is a large amount of money to do with as she pleases, but won’t knowledge it or talk to us or try and make amends

By the way, what happened largely involved another member of the family but the consequences have affected all of us and I’m not saying she was at fault anymore than DH. if only she’d talk to us I feel we could all agree to disagree and move on.

But back to the question, would you send the money?

sodapop Thu 01-Apr-21 09:14:24

Spot on BlueBelle all your husband's children should be treated in the same way bytheway. Maybe it will help heal the rift.

Kate1949 Thu 01-Apr-21 09:52:22

You are all so nice! No I wouldn't give it to her.

grandMattie Thu 01-Apr-21 10:37:03

I would hesitate too. But perhaps, if your DH lets her know that there is a sum of money waiting for her should she decide to get overherself, she may well run back! As they cyically say "Where there's a Will, there's a relative!"

Lin663 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:37:50

Toughie.... but on balance I think she should receive the same amount as her siblings ... perhaps it would be a good opportunity to try heal the breach “Here’s the same amount as everyone else, we would love to see you, let’s clear the air, but if you don’t want to do that then just know we’re sad, we love you and we are here when you are ready”

Secondwind Thu 01-Apr-21 10:38:03

I’d give her a much smaller proportion than the others.

Jess20 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:39:30

Decide if it's unconditional love or revenge that tops your agends, I guess

Juicylucy Thu 01-Apr-21 10:40:35

If it was me I wouldn’t give it to her, she’s an adult she could have at least sent a text or card to thank you for birthday gifts. Why should she be treated the same when she’s not treating you the same. By giving it to her without any discussions will just think she can carry acting like she is. She’s a grown adult not a child of entitlement.

CarlyD7 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:42:51

I would divided whatever sum equally and ask each child in turn to visit you "to discuss a financial gift" and those that turn up, get given a cheque - and hopefully, stay for a bit longer. She should receive the letter too, but only be given the cheque if she turns up - that should also give your OH the opportunity to talk things over with her (and may get over any barriers she feels over making a move to patch things up - sometimes people can go for years because they don't know how to start to repair things). If she doesn't turn up, put the money in a separate account for when she finally does. That way, you're treating them all the same - up to her whether or not she responds.

greenlady102 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:44:47

personally and from my own experience I would send it and a friendly letter explaining equal shares and how are you but zero mention of meeting up, bygones or anything....but your OH received the money and its his daughter so I think I would say to him that its up to him and whatever his choice you will support him in it.

Annaram1 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:45:04

I think she should be informed that there is a sum of money waiting for her and could she just write or phone and say where she would like it paid into or would she prefer it to be put into her children's accounts?

Pepine Thu 01-Apr-21 10:46:06

I think I would drop her a card explaining the situation re the money and saying that that of course there is an equal share set aside for her should she feel that she would like to be part of the family again. You continue to hope to hear from her as you have done ever since she first cut ties.

pen50 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:48:19

I would send a message saying that you have a substantial gift for her that will need to be paid directly into a bank account; please can you have the details? That should get a response!

cc Thu 01-Apr-21 10:50:02

No, I wouldn't send it but would keep it in case you made up later. Is she still in touch with other members of the family? If not, she would not know that the others have had money.
You could always leave it to her in your wills if you want to be fair.

janipans Thu 01-Apr-21 10:52:50

I would ultimately share equally among children, but in this case, maybe allow it to filter through to her that you have had a windfall, but delay sharing it with any of the children for a while to see if she makes any effort to communicate with you. It might only be for the money initially, but if it starts the process of at least talking/coming together again, perhaps those bridges could be slowly mended.
Just a thought, but hope she is ok otherwise and not in some sort of controlling relationship where she has not been "allowed" to keep in touch.

Rmegan Thu 01-Apr-21 10:53:27

Give the money to other and save her portion until DH feels happy about giving it to her or open account for GC as part of university fund.

Polremy Thu 01-Apr-21 10:55:29

Could you perhaps contact all the children, telling them you have some important good news which will benefit all of them.
Add that you think it best if you could all meet (in person or by zoom) so that you can explain properly.
Curiosity might just get the better of her.

Theoddbird Thu 01-Apr-21 10:57:25

Set up trusts for the grand children with her share and let her know what you have done

Larsonsmum Thu 01-Apr-21 10:58:35

Definitely not.

grannygranby Thu 01-Apr-21 10:59:03

This happened in my family. My mothers granddaughter stopped having anything to do with her or any of us. No one quite knew why. When it came to writing her will my mother asked for my opinion on whether she should be included in legacies with her other grandchildren. I thought she should and she was. And as I was the executor I saw it through and no she has never acknowledged but I’m pleased we did. Because we don’t understand everything and one thing my mum was really good at was not fueling family feuds. So I think your DH should include her. Let her work out her problems but don’t add fuel to the flames.

grannie7 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:59:29

I thought tax wise only £3000 was the most you could
give anyone in one year.
I beg pardon if that is considered a large amount,

Teddy123 Thu 01-Apr-21 11:01:49

It's a sad impasse which has dragged on for 5 years. You mentioned that your DH was equally at fault. Does he accept his fault in the whole situation. For peace of mind I think she should be sent an equal share. It's strange to me that he's reluctant to do so. And basically it's totally unfair. Especially since he's also equally responsible for her distancing herself.

SynchroSwimmer Thu 01-Apr-21 11:03:23

I would let the other siblings know that they are all being treated equally.

Then would initially set her money aside.

Finally I would write to say there is an unexpected amount of money being split among all the siblings and ask her to meet/Facetime or write so that you can “facilitate the transfer”

Davida1968 Thu 01-Apr-21 11:05:34

No, I wouldn't give her any money at the moment. Maybe later on, when there's been more time to think about this issue? The pandemic is making a lot of us feel quite "emotional" in different ways, and IMO it's not a good time for some decisions. Especially like this one.

Gramps47 Thu 01-Apr-21 11:12:18

Treating unkindness with unkindness makes you the same: unkind.

I don’t believe anyone should make a decision for another; ‘if I were you’, ‘you should’ etc.

No one else truly knows all the factors and feelings involved, no matter how long an explanation.

We may love to make pronouncements on others’ situations; it’s human nature but it’s not helpful.

Nannarose Thu 01-Apr-21 11:15:09

grannie7 - you can give anyone however much you like. However, if you die within 7 years of making a large gift, then some of it will be counted when your estate is assessed for inheritance tax.
I won't leave enough to worry - and if I did, am happy for my estate to pay a bit of tax.