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What would you do?

(146 Posts)
bytheway Wed 31-Mar-21 13:20:47

5 years ago we had a big family fall out. I won’t go into the why’s but it resulted in my OH daughter taking the decision she needed a break from family, my DH tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t answer calls or texts. She has since also not spoken to her other siblings though keeps in touch with my daughter now and again who wasn’t involved in the fall out.

Here is the dilemma. My OH has recently come into a large amount of money and wishes to gift each child an equal amount. However, he is feeling a little aggrieved about giving to this daughter because despite what has happened we have continued to send money and cards for her children (our GC) for birthdays, Xmas, easter etc...but not once have we had an acknowledgment, a thankyou...nothing...despite the cheques having been cashed. Obviously, this is for the GC so we will still continue this as normal.

But he says it sticks in his throat that she would accept what is a large amount of money to do with as she pleases, but won’t knowledge it or talk to us or try and make amends

By the way, what happened largely involved another member of the family but the consequences have affected all of us and I’m not saying she was at fault anymore than DH. if only she’d talk to us I feel we could all agree to disagree and move on.

But back to the question, would you send the money?

annsixty Wed 31-Mar-21 13:26:45

No. Very simple to me.
If the GC get in touch later perhaps leave them some in your will but ignoring you shouldn’t be rewarded

Grandmabatty Wed 31-Mar-21 13:27:30

I would send the money if it was my daughter. Can you imagine how she would feel if she learned that she had been left out? You say your daughter is in touch with her so she might learn about the money through her. I understand why your dh is feeling hurt but the situation wont get better by leaving her out. I would send the money but explain where it's from and also make sure she knows it isn't a bribe to get back in touch.

Aveline Wed 31-Mar-21 13:29:29

I wouldn't just send it. I'd request a meeting to discuss a significant gift to her. She might look on it as 'buying' her attention but it's not right that she just accepts financial gifts every year and doesn't even acknowledge them. There are two sides to a fall out. She may actually want to make up but doesn't quite know how? Good luck.

Poppyred Wed 31-Mar-21 13:29:45

No keep it to one side. If she decides to get over herself maybe then give it to her. If not give to the grand children.

Vickysponge Wed 31-Mar-21 13:34:15

Absolutely not, unless she agreed to talk and sort the disagreement out. Save it for your grandchildren.

crazyH Wed 31-Mar-21 13:43:12

Just give the money. This is not a time for angst and grudges. I would never treat my children or grandchildren differently. Why don’t you give her a call and suggest a visit? I am not in favour of giving to the grandchildren. They will benefit anyway, if it’s given to the parents. Besides, our adult children need money now. If it’s given via a Will, it will be years (hopefully) before they receive it. I have given quite a bit of my savings to my children. I think it makes financial sense.

Septimia Wed 31-Mar-21 14:57:00

I say give it to her. It's best to be even-handed with offspring otherwise it simply causes further problems.

However, it should be made clear to her that this is what you're doing - she's being treated the same as the others. What you don't want is for her to think she's being bribed to speak to you!

Just don't expect it to cure the problems, though!

H1954 Wed 31-Mar-21 15:04:19

No, if she gets over herself and decides to grow up then consider it, otherwise leave her out of the equation. Personally, I would reserve her share and when the GC come of age share between them, that way you have at least been fair.

M0nica Wed 31-Mar-21 15:16:36

Do not under any circumstances treat her differently to her siblings. Nothing is more likely to cause a family row that makes the previous one look like storm in a tea cup than treating her differently and less well than the others. Whatever has gone before , your DH is still her father

Her father should write a letter to go with the cheque, explaining about the windfall, her fathers desire to share it equally between all his children and that despite all that has happened, she remains his dearly loved daughter so this is what he is doing. All he can do then is hope she will respond to the hand of peace.

geekesse Wed 31-Mar-21 15:45:39

How sad that so many posters seem to think money should be used as a weapon of revenge, or as a punishment, or as a way to manipulate!

If the OP’s husband wishes to make gifts to his children, surely they are gifts, not concealed messages about the quality of his relationship with him?

Nannarose Wed 31-Mar-21 16:58:47

I would begin by setting the money aside for her.

If he wants, your OH can add to his will that 'the money in X account is for eldest daughter'.

Not satisfactory, but it buys you a bit more time.

Summerlove Wed 31-Mar-21 17:27:09

I would probably make sure she got the money. However, the reasoning for the falling out would depend on how I made sure she got it.

Jaxjacky Wed 31-Mar-21 17:45:29

Monica I agree with you, absolutely treat her the same.

eazybee Wed 31-Mar-21 17:48:19

I would send it to her with a covering letter saying you are dividing an unexpected sum of money equally between all the siblings, but you would like an acknowledgement from her as all previous communications have been ignored.
If she fails to respond, do not communicate with her any more and put gifts to Grandchildren in separate accounts to be accessed when they are eighteen.
Alternatively put the money aside as a bequest in your will.

mokryna Wed 31-Mar-21 18:10:37

I agree with eazybee except for the grandchildren to be older, so the money would not be spent recklessly as the sum of money seems important.

lemsip Wed 31-Mar-21 18:44:56

Yes I would send her the money. Otherwise you will never ever repair the situation, you would sever it for good.

BlueBelle Wed 31-Mar-21 19:09:18

Yes I would treat all the same, there is no way I could treat children differently whether they were good, bad, helpful, unhelpful, kind or unkind

They are my children and don’t have to earn anything I give them I give because they are mine to give to

cornishpatsy Wed 31-Mar-21 19:58:22

I fully agree with BlueBelle, she has put it very well.

Smileless2012 Wed 31-Mar-21 20:11:37

I wouldn't give her the money. She effectively estranged herself from her father 5 years ago and in so doing, estranged him from his GC.

I would send cards from now on but no more money, and the money that I would have sent to my GC would be put aside for them hopefully to be given during my life time or to be left to them in my will.

I would do this with amount my D would have received and I don't regard this as seeking to punish and manipulate or get revenge.

CafeAuLait Thu 01-Apr-21 07:01:54

I don't know what I would do. I'm sure you know what feels right to you.

We are distant from one set of parents. We would never expect to receive anything from them and it wouldn't feel right if they made such a gesture. I'd also be a bit suspicious that they were trying to buy their way back in.

Your D doesn't seem to be grateful for what you give her so maybe put her share aside and see how it goes?

mumofmadboys Thu 01-Apr-21 07:15:53

I would treat all children the same regardless of fallout. Hope it soon patches up.

Daisymae Thu 01-Apr-21 07:24:29

I wouldn't give her the money. Like everything in life there are responsibilities and they work both ways. She has chosen to estrange herself and their are consequences.

janeainsworth Thu 01-Apr-21 07:27:57

I agree with Grandmabatty and Monica.
The one way to ensure that the estrangement was permanent would be to treat this D differently from her siblings.

I also agree with Aveline, that D may be wanting to repair the situation but doesn’t know how.

So I think that great care needs to be taken that while the money mustn’t be seen to be a bribe or enticement, it does somehow offer D a way back in to the family without ‘losing face’.

If it’s a large sum of money I would even consider asking my solicitor (we have a very nice one) to send a letter with the cheque, explaining the circumstances of the gift & that it comes without conditions, but that OH would always be open to seeing his D again.

Putting the transfer of money into the hands of a third party removes the emotional element of the situation.

rafichagran Thu 01-Apr-21 07:52:47

It is a hard one. It's your husbands call to make. His daughter has caused him hurt and upset.
Also she accepts the money sent as presents but does not acknowledge them, which is wrong
Your husband has reached out to his daughter before and she has not responded for 5 years, she is a adult and has made that decision, I would respect that, but she must also accept the consequences. She cannot complain if he does not gift her as well as his other adult children.