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What would you do?

(147 Posts)
bytheway Wed 31-Mar-21 13:20:47

5 years ago we had a big family fall out. I won’t go into the why’s but it resulted in my OH daughter taking the decision she needed a break from family, my DH tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t answer calls or texts. She has since also not spoken to her other siblings though keeps in touch with my daughter now and again who wasn’t involved in the fall out.

Here is the dilemma. My OH has recently come into a large amount of money and wishes to gift each child an equal amount. However, he is feeling a little aggrieved about giving to this daughter because despite what has happened we have continued to send money and cards for her children (our GC) for birthdays, Xmas, easter etc...but not once have we had an acknowledgment, a thankyou...nothing...despite the cheques having been cashed. Obviously, this is for the GC so we will still continue this as normal.

But he says it sticks in his throat that she would accept what is a large amount of money to do with as she pleases, but won’t knowledge it or talk to us or try and make amends

By the way, what happened largely involved another member of the family but the consequences have affected all of us and I’m not saying she was at fault anymore than DH. if only she’d talk to us I feel we could all agree to disagree and move on.

But back to the question, would you send the money?

Yorki Fri 02-Apr-21 03:35:52

I think I would tell the daughter that a sum of money has been left , but as theres never an acknowledgment of monetary gifts made to her or her children , your saving it to give to her children / your grandchildren, as it would come in useful in their grown up years. As you've already stated you've given generously to her already , so to me, that would be fair and honest.

Seajaye Fri 02-Apr-21 06:48:46

I think it depends on whether your OH want to make the situation worse. If he does, then treating her significantly differently might well achieve this, and the rift may never heal.

Shropshirelass Fri 02-Apr-21 09:04:05

I wouldn’t send it but I would keep it in a separate account in case things do improve in the future. As she has chosen to distance herself she has chosen to miss out on all the benefits of being in your family.

Cid24 Fri 02-Apr-21 09:18:53

No. I wouldn’t. She has made her bed.

NannaJanie Fri 02-Apr-21 09:21:45

Has OH tried to make contact with his daughter? Has he asked for a meeting with her to try and sort out the situation during the past 5 years? Sometimes, it's the parent that needs to make the first move. Meet up with her and try to put things right, without telling her about the money initially. I'm sure things can be worked out.

sazz1 Fri 02-Apr-21 10:43:03

No I'm sorry I wouldn't give her anything. She chose no contact so that's the way it stays. Put it in trust for the DGC

DillytheGardener Fri 02-Apr-21 10:55:28

This could be an opportunity to either further solidify the rift or to be the person.

You’re vague about the rift, but between the lines, DD didn’t cause it and you don’t believe either DD or DH are in the wrong.

My choice would be to gift the money to DD through a solicitor so you don’t involve your other DD and turn her into a ‘go-between’.

Tell the solicitor to inform DD in plain unemotive language, the windfall has been distributed equally to all children, no strings attached. If she declines that’s fine but you have been fair.

Is there any chance if DH is being stubborn? Is it worth being humble and apologising to DD? Have you talked to a therapist?

I’ve found therapy extremely helpful in learning better ways of interacting with my children, I’m happier and my DC feel closer as a result. Worth a whack IMO.

DillytheGardener Fri 02-Apr-21 10:55:47

*be the bigger person

Gannygangan Fri 02-Apr-21 11:01:36

I'd give it to her, no question about it

Who knows, she might get in touch and you can sort this out.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 02-Apr-21 11:36:45

I would definitely not send her the money.

If it is a significant sum and your husband wants not to seem to have been unfair, I think he should add a codicil to his will, leaving the sum to be shared equally between that daughter's children.

But he is under no obligation here, if he prefers to divide it amongst the children he does see, well and good. He could also just use that money himself for something you and he would not otherwise considered.

Sarnia Fri 02-Apr-21 12:07:42

No, I wouldn't send the money. I have 5 children. My eldest daughter cut herself off from every single one of her family and hasn't had contact with anyone for 8 years. I was in a similar situation to your OH when I sold my house. I had a large amount of money from the sale and I didn't need it all to live on so I divided it equally between my 2 sons and 2 daughters and didn't include my eldest daughter. I have no qualms about it either.

Magrithea Fri 02-Apr-21 14:37:01

I would set up something for the grandchildren with it - ISAs are a good idea as you can then add to them for birthdays etc. That way they benefit. if his daughter has ignored her father for 5 years it's a bit much to expect to benefit from his good fortune now!

Naninka Fri 02-Apr-21 15:24:58

I would keep the money 'by' and wait to see if she makes contact. If she does then there is much talking to be done before any amount reaches her account. If not (and you may wish to set a time limit in years perhaps), spend it yourself and enjoy life! We're all only ever here once!

Kate1949 Fri 02-Apr-21 15:48:20

I'm not suggesting that this is the case here but some adult children treat their parents appallingly. The 'we must treat them all equally' thing is sometimes hard to follow.

Elrel Fri 02-Apr-21 16:01:16

Have you and your husband explored asking your own daughter to mediate with his estranged daughter?
My parents were forgiving when I made some unwise decisions and was out of contact for years. I’m so grateful they left me a way to return.

donna1964 Fri 02-Apr-21 17:21:42


I'm not suggesting that this is the case here but some adult children treat their parents appallingly. The 'we must treat them all equally' thing is sometimes hard to follow.

Like wise some Mothers treat their Adult Children be fair.

Chardy Fri 02-Apr-21 17:43:24

I'm interested to know how many of those who've suggested cutting her off totally have experience of losing a child in this way. And secondly, many have implied daughter has done this through spite or anger - perhaps there is some kind of depression involved here. I know she is in occasional contact with her stepsister but this may not be obvious.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 02-Apr-21 18:05:49

Your Dh daughter has taken a break for 5 years and not acknowledged her father she’s not answering calls or texts, my Dh would get in contact and ask for a meeting with her to try and sort it all out, either by phoning or letter, we find it sad that she’s not sent thank you notes from her children for the presents, we would do everything we could to not lose contact with our children, BUT if she wasn’t willing to meet half way and try and sort it out my DH wouldn’t be handing over a large amount of money nope!

Kate1949 Fri 02-Apr-21 19:27:34

Yes donna I agree. My own mother was neglectful.

Ydoc Sat 03-Apr-21 08:51:32

I would not just send the money you are under no obligation to do so. Why people think offspring should receive gifts no matter what I do not know. I would request a meeting with her and see how that went. By the way the money ypu have sent to gc have they got it or are they very young and she may have had it

Loz500 Sat 03-Apr-21 21:25:48

A big fat No!