What would you do?

Our children remain our children, whether we approve of them and they of us, or not.

Smileless She wont thank him for it if he does give it which is something IMO your H needs to think about, and how he would feel, if that were to be the case

You cannot possibly know that is how bytheway’s Step-D will respond. You are not judging this situation objectively, but by your own experience.

I sincerely hope bytheway’s OH will ignore your advice, however well-meant it is.

I'd send it, sorry, she may not pay the money in but at least he would have tried

Definitely I would send the money to her. Treat all your children the same even though current circumstances are difficult. Just give it to her, (without grudge)and with a fond explanatory note.
It doesn’t really matter the rights and wrongs of the previous argument. She is your husband’s daughter and best for all in the family that the relationship is mended. You’re the older adults. Do what is right by her.

If she agrees to meet and discuss this with her Father then fine, give her the gift otherwise as others have said, leave it to your Grandchildren,they deserve it more after the behaviour of the Daughter.

As so many EP's will understand, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I've never understood why an estranged child would either expect or accept a financial gift from their parent(s) who they refuse to have any contact with.

Gifts are often unwanted and the giving of them seen as blackmail and stalking. So many times EP's are advised here on GN to not send even cards but to leave their EAC alone and respect their decision to not want any contact.

Before we were estranged and along with my brother we invested quite a substantial amount of money to enable our ES and his wife to buy the house they still live in.

This was drawn up legally and there was a 'gentleman's' agreement with our ES that his uncle would receive his investment in full when he was 60, that was nearly 3 years ago, and our money would be repaid if we ever needed it.

We mistakenly believed our ES to be a young man of integrity so the legal documents weren't drawn as tightly as they could have been, and as it turns out, should have been. My brother, despite requesting the money last year, has not received it.

Our ES met with Mr. S. about a year into our estrangement telling his dad that we'd only made the investment to "control" them. We wrote and said in the circumstances when it was possible for them to do so, it would be in every one's best interests if the money was repaid.

In response we got a solicitors letter reiterating the legalities of the loan, and that it only had to be repaid when the house was sold.

Your H's D has refused to have any contact with him for 5 years bytheway, prevented him from having a relationship with his GC and preventing those children from having a relationship with their GF.

She's had ample opportunity to initiate contact by at the very least acknowledging the gifts that have been sent for the children.

She wont thank him for it if he does give it which is something IMO your H needs to think about, and how he would feel, if that were to be the case.

Perfect solution

No, she wouldn’t get the money. If she doesn’t want to be in your Dh life, then she shouldn’t have his money.
To have an estranged child is totally heartbreaking, I don’t think they should be rewarded for their awful behaviour.
As parents we do everything to help and support our children, but it doesn’t always work both ways.

If your OH has had zero contact with his daughter for the last 5 years, not even thanks for gifts for grandchildren, then I would not give her a penny! Presumably attempts have been made to resolve the situation, if she still wants to behave like a child then treat her like one! Maybe keep the money to one side in case she decides to start behaving like an adult again - do you really think your OH could live with his daughter behaving in the same ignorant way over a large sum of money? If the answer is NO then there is your answer.

I would say share the money totally equally. Not to do so will prolong this rift into the next generation.

I don’t think there should be any conditions on giving the money. By doing so it feels like you are trying to “buy” her back. Explain to all the children that she is getting an equal share regardless of the lack of contact so that everything is out in the open.

This is all so sad and I’m sure your DH must be hurting from this total lack of contact but I feel should continue to reach out in whatever way possible. Whatever caused this needs to be talked through but that’s not currently possible but don’t compound the issue by treating her differently.

A cheque with an explanatory letter saying that he is sharing the money equally, that he misses having her in his life, that he’s always going to be there for her and wishes they could have contact but that he wishes her well in the meantime. And sign it with much love.

I would set her share of the money aside. If things sort themselves out, give it to her then.

She is still his child.

No I wouldn’t give to her, I’d set up savings for GC and put away for them.

I would not send her any money. She accepts money and gifts for her children without any acknowledgment. Children should not be involved in this fall out. My son fell out with my DH and myself a few years ago, it happened on a regular basis most of his adult life, yet when he needed money he always got in touch and we always helped. This last time my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my son was informed yet he made no attempt to contact us and never attended his dads funeral. I have made a new will and he will get nothing. I gave birth to this person I don’t recognise anymore.

Quite a split vote here.
Although your OH can do as he wishes and give or not give anything to any of his children, I personally would treat her the same as the others and send her share ( or at the very least let her know it's in a trust for the grandchildren). Your OH could send a letter with it.
Our children don't owe us anything and, while it must be incredibly hard to have had such a major rift, I'm sure you both want her and the GC to be secure and have the best lives they can.
My heart goes out to you - I have friends with similar family situations and it's absolutely heart-breaking.

Definitely not. It would appear to be rewarding outstandingly bad behaviour.
The daughter has stopped all contact for five years!
It wasn’t even an issue with her father, but rather another family member!
She has prevented a grandfather from having a relationship with his grandchildren and snubbed her own father.
She has been unacceptably rude in not acknowledging gifts for the grandchildren.
After 5 years, she’s still holding a huge grudge and seems not to give a fig about her father’s feelings.
In return, posters appear to want her to be rewarded??
It would be hard to deepen an already huge rift!
If it were me, I’d put aside her share for future gifting or inheritance and that would be it.
Her actions, her indifference, her absolute unkindness and rudeness, her loss.

Tbh I wouldn't be giving any of my kids the money at this point. Clearly I don't know your ages or circumstances but is there a chance that you might need the money for yourselves in the future?

If you are determined to pass it on then why not put the money in a trust for the grandchildren to get when they are older?

Thanks for all your replies. I have read each and every one of them and will encourage DH to read them too. Such a wide range of answers and some very wise words and food for thought. Just one thing I want to address and that is that in no way, shape or form would the money be used to ‘blackmail’ or bribe daughter to speak to us, it would be given with love as intended with no conditions whatsoever.

I’m really not sure what conclusion my OH will come to, I suspect he will send the money (which he hasn’t actually received yet so still has time to ponder on the situation) to his
daughter in the end with no conditions. My DH children are really very loving but also very stubborn (like DH) so as much as I would like them to make amends I’m not sure it will happen any time soon

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My father has recently sold a big house and handed a large cheque to me and my sister. My brother hasn’t been seen for months, no help or support when my mother was dying etc. Not sure he even knows about the move. My father has set aside the money but refuses to just send it. I would suggest your OH does the same for now. It can always be given to GC later.

The money is your OH’s. He wishes to gift it or part of it to his children but one of them is estranged. Assuming I understand the situation I would not give the money to the estranged child but would legally ring fence it for the grandchildren.

I think Pepine shows enormous wisdom in her reply.

No. I wouldn't just give it to her. Give the money to the others, and contact her and say there's a share here for her but she needs to get in touch and discuss it. Otherwise it will be kept for her children and left to them in his Will.

Yes as some have said, try send a note from her dad saying he'd like to get in touch, and hopes they can make up etc.(if thats what he wants) but if she doesnt bother, or doesnt want to then put the money in the bank in trust for GC.She clearly made decision to leave the family why are you rewarding her after all these years? Send the GC an actual gift each year too, not money.

It’s hard but if you hope for an eventual reconciliation I’d advise treating the children equally when it comes to finances. Be beyond reproach and scrupulously fair so no one can complain or it’ll be a sore that festers forever.

Monica has said it all for me. Whatever the row has been about she is still.dh's daughter. Any monkeying about with the money would eventually lead to.worse problems.