What would you do?

See, a lot of you say give her it anyway- but we have CafeAuLait giving us an opinion from other side of the coin- the estranged family members side- so its not as clear cut as you all thought is it? Personally, I'd NOT reward her for continuing the rift- and I'd never send cash/cheques at all, even for GC- buy them presents and send them for birthdays,xmas etc. but never money, you're encouraging her to continue her rift, while still rewarding her, and to not not even send you a txt in thanks, well is just bad manners- and i bet she's 'laughing all the way to the bank' as they say- no just save money in YOUR bank, for now, and at least it'll accrue interest, then if she ever makes up with you theres a bit more added, or if not give it to GC when they reach 18, or even 21, or in your husbands will- it was her decision to turn away from you all- it should still stand- money or no money- if she hears of it from your own DD, then so be it- it might make her rethink her decision and heal the rift- if only as its made her think, 'did i make right decision to do that"? Ive had 7 kids- i find you have to 'let them make their own mistakes'- and sometimes 'let them stew in their own juices' a bit‐ (all sayings my own mum/gran used) they usually come around, eventually.Good luck.?

I totally agree with what AnnSixty has said. Put her share in your will. Explaining why she's getting it so the others don't think she's favoured!. Definitely not now.

i wouldnt send it ... but you could get premium bond or some such thing ..but i would write to her explaining about the money ..

No, why would you reward her for not being in contact for 5 years and not being grown up enough to talk things through? No thank you for money/ gifts already sent? I think not. As others have said put the money aside for now until (hopefully) relationships can be healed or divided between the GC when they become of age to use it wisely.

I wouldn't give the money to her, I would set up a trust fund for the Grandchildren accessible when they reach 18, one that she doesn't have access to.

I would send her a nice note saying that you' d like her to get in touch, that water has passed under the bridge etc and that you would like to have a chat.
See how she reacts ....if she doesn' t reply, I would just keep the money to one side until she does.

My mum & dad used to send £100 to my brothers children for birthdays and Christmas, they never received a thank you or acknowledgement from either child despite them being in their teens. One year I told mum not to send the money and guess what she received 2 seperate phone calls!! Sadly they were not asking about mum & dads welfare but where their money was as they had things they wanted to buy!
After that mum would send them £20 per time.
Personally, I wouldn't bother with the daughter. She's chosen her path in life so let her get on with it. She resents her dad anyway so finding out about not getting the money isn't going to make a difference.

I had a similar situation when my OH son was told he had been left money.... he refused it. And I then split it between his two sisters.
Or put it into an account for her or her children.

Why reward bad behavior ? If you want set the money aside for a certain number of years and if no contact then keep the money. My stepson has not spoken to us or allowed us to see his children for six years. My DH finally decided to take him out of our trust.

Without doubt I would send her the money with the same letter that goes to each child and begins for example: Dear Penny, James, Jenny and Simon, making sure her name is one in the middle. I would send identical letters to each of them and do it this way so she can see it’s the same. She will see she is treated the same and this will not thwart any attempts to reconcile on either side.

Someone I know who is estranged from one of her daughters has left that daughters share of the money to her 2 grandchildren from that daughter, in trust until they reach 25 years old when they can draw out the money or if she dies after they are 25 then on her death.

I would always treat my children equally. Yes give her the money. Do not blackmail her into anything. Just give her the equal share and be the sane parent always willing to accept the faults of our children.
Not all children have offspring. In my view grandchildren are given small gifts and only share inheritance from their own parents.

You have not said what this fall out was about... and yes that is your business. Whatever happened obviously has affected your husbands daughter badly and for her to say she needed to take time out from the Family tells me the situation was bade for her and the outcome may affected her Mental Health and she needed peace.
You also say that you continued to send Cards & Presents to her Children for Birthdays etc over the latter 5 years but you dont say that you continued to send the daughter Cards & presents for hers?
I think the Daughter should have got her Children to send Thankyou Cards when they received their Cards & presents.
As far as this windfall is concerned...Yes, she should receive an equal share as her siblings.
It sounds to me that what happend hurt her badly and she was not treated fairly...and you are thinking to do the same again???

I fell out with my daughter when she was 18 and, for a while, she would have nothing to do with me. I was devastated and had to have counselling to wrestle with the fallout. One of the things that came up was the subject of presents. The Counsellor felt that the way forward was to put the money to one side to ensure my daughter received her gifts if and when the time was right. There was blame on both sides.
I'd be inclined to write to the daughter offering the gift of money with no strings attached to give her the opportunity to respond. It might open a dialogue where you can tell her how much you miss her but respect her wishes. If she doesn't, maybe put the money to one side to leave to her or her children when you are gone.
For all we know, she might have been counselled by a therapist to go no contact with her family. We know of one family row, who knows what was simmering before the dispute happened. Using money to control the situation is never a good idea. In fact, it just gives the receiver more of an axe to grind.

Regardless of the money I would want to try and reconcile the falling out. Writing a letter (or email, though it doesn't have the same feeling of care) is good because you can check you're saying what you want to and it would give her the chance to read and re-read, rather than a conversation that can spiral out of control by the wrong tone of voice, misunderstandings or an eagerness towards antipathy. The money could be the fatal nail in the relationship's coffin if withheld. As many wise posters have said a gift is a gift, it shouldn't have strings. By the same token, I believe, a child is one's child come what may. Given time and the generosity that one hopes a parent has always shown their child, the relationship will hopefully heal; leave her out of the sharing and wave goodbye. The gifting thing is a bit more complex than simply £3000 per annum: www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts
Life is short. Tragedies spring out of the blue. Make peace, be generous, apologise for anything you should and forgive her for her mistakes. if, heaven help, she was run over by a bus tomorrow, what would you and DH be thinking then? Good luck and fingers crossed for you.

I would write to her explaining there is an inheritance you would like to be passed on and ask to meet so it can be done properly

I totally agree with Poppy Red. Hold the money back unless or until she decides to ‘come round’. If not, leave it to the grandchildren in your will.

I wouldn’t. My mum was in a similar situation and didn’t. Never regretted it.

Someone suggested that your OH should send her the money with a covering letter and I think that would be the best solution. Perhaps he could say in the letter that he really loves and misses her and would like to see her sometime, but, as others have said, not use the money as some sort of bribe.

I do hope he can heal this rift with his daughter.

I’ve seen the terrible consequences when children are treated differently. It sets up more anger in the years to come for all the children even if you or your DH are not there.

If I ever had a windfall I would treat all the children equally and forgive past hurts. Nothing is worth driving a further wedge between siblings. Life is difficult enough without making it more problematic.

5 years is a long time for a family fall out to go on. The daughter has cut herself off from all family members bar one (who isn't actually a relative - your DD). Think she had made her position very clear, she wants nothing to do with her family. If she has been so unwilling to reconcile she would hold on to her principles and would probably refuse the money anyway. I would withhold the money for GC. If it's a lot why not put it in a trust for them accessible at a certain age.

grannie7 - you can give anyone however much you like. However, if you die within 7 years of making a large gift, then some of it will be counted when your estate is assessed for inheritance tax.
I won't leave enough to worry - and if I did, am happy for my estate to pay a bit of tax.

Treating unkindness with unkindness makes you the same: unkind.

I don’t believe anyone should make a decision for another; ‘if I were you’, ‘you should’ etc.

No one else truly knows all the factors and feelings involved, no matter how long an explanation.

We may love to make pronouncements on others’ situations; it’s human nature but it’s not helpful.

No, I wouldn't give her any money at the moment. Maybe later on, when there's been more time to think about this issue? The pandemic is making a lot of us feel quite "emotional" in different ways, and IMO it's not a good time for some decisions. Especially like this one.

I would let the other siblings know that they are all being treated equally.

Then would initially set her money aside.

Finally I would write to say there is an unexpected amount of money being split among all the siblings and ask her to meet/Facetime or write so that you can “facilitate the transfer”