What would you do?

The daughter may also feel that she doesn’t want to be seen to be back in the fold because of this money.

I would still give equally whatever. I understand why someone wouldn’t want to in any other circumstance, but with children, no, I’d always feel partly responsible.

NO!

No fallout in our family, just a generational split. A decade or so later, all back together. My advice is never shut the door on your child. If you choose not to give them the money directly, put it into a designated account for them or the grandchildren.
Please remember the psychological effect on you and OH of severing the final link with her. Guilt, regardless of whether it's justified or not, destroys people and relationships.
Good luck

By excluding her you will be proving nothing, neither will you repair fractured relations. If the young woman wishes to be bratty that's sad for you but her problem. Whatever ill will she is clutching to her, leave it with her and treat all the children the same. Keep up the good work by sending gifts, cards, money, whatever. For whatever reason she is punishing you, leave her to it. Witholding her share means you join in that hateful game.

If you hold her share over for the grandchildren to have ,that wouldn't be fair on other grandchildren if any, as they will not get the same

My last post was not based purely on my own experience janeainsworth. It was also based on the fact that the OP's H's D has been accepting gifts for her children for 5 years, and not once given any acknowledgement or thanks for them.

Are you sure she gets the gifts? If not, he needs to talk to her. Perhaps it will heal the rift? Or she may say she doesn't want it. But keep hold of her share until she replies.

bytheway said in her OP that they send cheques and they are cashed justwokeup.

No. Rafichagran is correct. Life has consequences. And one of the consequences of alienating herself and children from family, depriving you of seeing your grandchildren (and how awful not to teach them at least to be courteous and to write thank you notes) is that she misses out on nice things. Her choice since her Dad has tried to patch it up. Giving her the money sends a message that it's ok to treat people badly. That happens far too often nowadays.

I do not agree with the idea that children have an automatic right to an equal share of whatever is left by their parents'. My Mother, unfortunately, does.

My estranged sister, who was dreadful towards her for many years before going NC, will benefit from the death of someone she has deliberately spent years hurting. Mum did eventually stop sending cheques etc after years of no acknowledgements, but even though she did at one point say that she was going to amend her Will so that the sister's share went to her son, who has also lost out in many respects because of his mother, she decided against it saying that it would cause too much grief.
My nephew brought a great deal of joy to her life, and my sister used that as a weapon for a long time, and then took him away from the family and did her very best to drive a wedge between us.

I realise that this is more extreme than the situation your husband is in, but to me anything that I have to leave this World and/or those in it, will go to those that have brought me joy and made my time on this planet, that bit nicer. Easy for me to say when I have no children of my own, and my other sets of nephews and nieces will be well provided for, I know. However, I do resent the fact that my Mum worries about money/heating etc, (even though there's no need) whilst at the same time feeling that she needs to leave her investments etc. intact as a large part of 'our' inheritance. I'm no better off than my sister, though my brothers both are, but I'd rather she used the money to enjoy her time here, rather than leave it to us. She worked hard and lived through a lot to keep us fed and clothed as kids, why should she deny herself now?

I love that people believe their children owe them nothing, and of course it's true, but likewise, does a parent owe the children an inheritance?

The lack of acknowledgement/appreciation would really gall me, and I know that whatever my sister gets she'll believe it should be more. But that's my sister.

I hope that your DH holds onto it for her or her offspring at a later stage. Her response to finding out that her siblings have received a gift could also be quite telling I'm sure.

I would not give her a penny. Actions have consequences.

Your poor mum bpirockin. AC using their own children as weapons is unforgivable especially when in your mum's case, her GS bought so much joy into her life.

Put that portion to one side and see if the situation improves- if not make it over direct to her child(ren)

No.and she's behaving like a brat.

She is happy to cash the cheques without any acknowledgement whatsoever. That is wrong. Personally, I wouldn't send her any of the money. She has chosen her position and is unwilling to make amends. Her behaviour is very hypocritical.

I would put it trust for her children. She doesn't deserve this. No acknowledgement for past gifts.

If you both feel really, really upset at the ongoing rift, could you maybe compromise by sending her a smaller amount but split the rest of it for her children, in children's trust accounts that can't be touched until 16 or 18, perhaps to give them a little head start if university or college beckons?

Please don’t shut any doors. Whatever the reason behind the painful family rift, role model kindness and fairness. Adding fuel to the fire by treating the children differently won’t help an already distressing situation.

Bobbydog How sad and hurtful that all was X

Difficult one ...in my case my daughter chose (for a totally unknown reason ....speaking to me one week, then not again ever (14 years) when I tried asking why all I got was the message saying DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN ...no explanation as to why ....all ok one day, then nothing SO when I received an inheritance, I asked my solicitor if I could leave her or at least the grandson I am aware I have (found where she lives, when she got married, her new name, and the fact I have a grandson from research online) so I send cards etc every Christmas and birthday....never acknowledged, but I know she still lives at the address I found ...so my solicitor said NO not unless you have the birth date of the grandchild and permission from the mother to instigate savings, or a Junior Isa, etc ....so all I can do is to leave everything I have to others and to charity as I have no other family ...............my solicitor said she may contest it ....but unless she has found where I now live she cannot .....I have left instructions that IF she ever contacts me I will change my Will accordingly. and left a letter with the solicitor explaining WHY if she ever finds out when I have died, I made that decision. There are also congenital health problems she should know about ....but what can I do ! I would have loved to have seen her before I die, and maybe take the child (or may be children now !) to Disneyland or similar ! To be honest I have friends in Germany, not family, but lovely younger people who tell me I am their 'family' they make an effort to visit me (when they are allowed !) and I visit them. The only sad thing is that my 'honorary grand daughter' is having twins in May and they asked me to go over ...but with restrictions of course, I cannot do so ...they phone, e mail and text me most weeks and if they don't get a reply, they keep on until they do ! They would like me to over and live there and I have looked at houses near to them which I could afford, but with BREXIT of course, (and COVID !) I can't do that ........c;est la vie !

I would give money to all the others first and hold on to hers just long enough to be sure that she’d been informed by the others that they had received some money from your dh then I’d ask to see her.
I’d do some fishing first to make sure she knew about the money. If she visits you then give her the same amount. If she doesn’t then save it for the dgc.

I agree with M0nica.

Daisymae

I wouldn't give her the money. Like everything in life there are responsibilities and they work both ways. She has chosen to estrange herself and their are consequences.

This.

I ‘m sorry to hear this. I’d not send money but try to call her and explain the situation. If she won’t respond invest it to be gifted to her later. Shame on her, not talking is so sad and cruel to everyone concerned.