Not invited to wedding

Who to invite is always problematic. Numbers in our family were severely restricted by space in the tiny but beautiful church. The happy couple would rather have had close friends with them in the church than family they didn’t see much. . So good for you for being the bigger person. Enjoy the day - hopefully they will have a link to the service.

A note would have been nice. With such restricted numbers, maybe she made the assumption you would understand why you weren't invited. Do you think you'd have been invited in more regular times? This is one I'd either let go, under the circumstances, or maybe your husband can gently ask for clarification. This might make you feel better.

I agree with Jaxjacky. A note of explanation would have been a good idea.

*your.

If Covid didn't exist, I'd understand your feelings, Doran.

In current circumstances, I understand your partner's granddaughter but I think she ought to have explained the reason.

I think you're wise not to make too much fuss and I hope the granddaughter will be welcome in your home as, otherwise, our partner could become very unhappy and that may impact on you.

I am sure it is to do with covid; my son is marrying next month and the guests are limited to 30, so they had to do a great deal of shuffling, and not asking some partners, which people accepted.

I agree with Jaxjacky.
And to be honest,i would be glad,at least you know where you stand with them.
with their opinion of you.

I'm sure it's because of the limited numbers. However like someone said it would have been nice to have that mentioned and not completely ignored. I love the suggestion that we take the happy couple out for dinner after all this covid malarkey is over.

It is sad, but really not worth getting too upset about. A certain amount of reasoning with yourself is needed here. Times are unusual. The happy couple will have to have made many very difficult and sad choices. There are probably many people who are very dear to them who they have been unable to invite. You say that all the other grandparents are invited, but, though it may sound harsh, you are NOT her grandmother. You aren't even a step granny. You are her grandad's partner. Hopefully , when this is all over there will be an opportunity to have a full family celebration, or you and your OH can take the couple out for a slap up meal. The impact of your not being invited is entirely in your hands. You, and you alone, have the power to make this wedding a joyous occasion for your OH and his granddaughter or make it full of guilt, misery and blame. Iron his shirt, straighten his tie and send your OH off with instructions to have a wonderful time and take lots of photos. Then get yourself a lovely ready meal, a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine and enjoy the peace. It is up to you!!

If it’s 15, there probably isn’t room for you with the birth family, I would try if you can to be generous of spirit, send a present and good wishes, they won’t forget it. It’s difficult for young couples having their wedding plans thwarted, they don’t need any more grief, it’s their day.

I wouldn't make a fuss but the GD would never be welcome in my home again Not really sorting anything out then!

He wanted to just attend the service he said he wanted to be able to share the day with me. I'm honestly just sad we won't spend this wonderful day together

It is a pity that he/you weren't given an explanation for you not being invited. Could he not have a quiet chat with your granddaughter just to ask why you were not invited and was it because of numbers? At least then you and he would know the reason. (I think Covid numbers is a very likely and understandable explanation)

Maybe once the air is gently cleared you and your partner could suggest a special meal together post wedding, just the four of you, perhaps to enjoy the photos together and to give a special wedding gift?

OP - yes, YABU.

She’s his granddaughter, not daughter, and you’ve only known him for five years. They have a limit to the numbers of people they could invite. With the brides parents and the grooms parents, plus grandparents, that’s twelve people already. They had to make choices. Why should you displace people who have been in her life for years?

I can understand you feeling hurt. I expect it might have been less hurtful if your step granddaughter had said she was sorry not to be able to invite you but numbers were limited.

I would try to put my hurt and disappointment behind me and carry on as normal.

I hope you have a nice day despite this.

Excellent advice from Sheepandcattle. Build bridges to take you into the future with your partner and his/your family. All the best.

Whilst I understand numbers are limited, I think a little note in with the invite to explain that would have been thoughtful.

Doran, I would be hurt as well, as I'm sure your partner is. I'm sure he will get many "Where is Doran?" questions on the day, since it is unusual for a partner not to be invited. Best you can do is chin up and carry on, send a nice gift and card with your blessing.

These are difficult times in so many ways.

Well this is tricky. Just take it on the chin and never speak to her again!

How is your relationship with the bride?
Close friends, acquaintances, hi/bye small talk, cross paths once or twice in 5 years?

Sorry you are in the situation. Unfortunately, we live in uncertain times with restrictions.

I can understand why you feel hurt but I’m sure it is most likely only due to the numbers in these Covid times. How would you feel about being really kind to the bride and groom and sending them a note saying that, whilst you understand how difficult it is for them organising a small wedding, you’d love to take them out for a meal with your partner either before or after their wedding as a little celebration in its own right? Far better to turn things into a positive rather than a negative.

It ll be about numbers Doran I can understand you feeling left out but she’s probably had to be really restrictive as to who she can invite and you’re not a blood relative It would have been nicer to have a little note but maybe she just didn’t know how to say it
You are wise to not make a fuss it’s the right thing to do
It’s not the same at all but my eldest granddaughter has just got married in NZ and of course I couldn’t go and as it was in the middle of our nighttime there wasn’t even a zoom option
But it is what it is

Doran

I won't be making an issue I will continue to just smile and get on with it. I'll just make sure I do something brilliant the day with family or friends. Thanks everyone

Well done - that's probably best for long-term harmony.

When is the wedding, Doran?

From next week, 12th April, 15 people are allowed to gather for a wedding and no earlier than 17th May 30 people will be allowed - if all continues as it is at the moment.
From 21st June restrictions may be lifted subject to the research being positive.

It is very difficult for young couples at the moment and it's inevitable that someone will feel left out and hurt.
It would have been nice if they could have said "we'd love to have invited you but we are restricted to ..." but perhaps they feel embarrassed at having to make this decision.

Couples are caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment. There is a clear cut off and trying to juggle those who should be there with who they want there, really must be an almost impossible choice.

I can imagine them sitting with their core list of 'must be present'. All 32 of them, and trying to decide which two to exclude. An impossible choice.

My only quibble, is that I do think they should have appended a little note apologising for not including you, but perhaps they felt that might to draw them into an argument about why you and not X.

I think your best course of action, is to be generous and kind about this and find something else nice to do on the day. Lunch out with a friend or something similar

grannypiper your reply shocks me. It shows a complete lack of understanding of the real problems facing couples getting married today.

I won't be making an issue I will continue to just smile and get on with it. I'll just make sure I do something brilliant the day with family or friends. Thanks everyone

It is hurtful and disappointing Doran. However I wouldn't be making an issue at this time. Who knows how many others from your partner's granddaughter's life have not been invited because of Covid. Even if it doesn't turn out to be totally about Covid I would keep my own council and not say too much to the granddaughter or your dp. I am sure he is also disappointed but wouldn't have had a say and probably loves his dgd and would not want to fall out with her. These things either blow over or they escalate. If they escalate there can be disasterous consequences, which go on for years.

grannypiper

That is awful. I wouldn't make a fuss but the GD would never be welcome in my home again.

If that's you not making a fuss, I wouldn't like to see you with your hackles up .

That's the sort of attitude that splits families, and is likely to leave you hosting events with no guests, as if the granddaughter is banned, when her own children come along they won't be visiting either, and at family occasions it is probable that her parents will boycott too, out of solidarity.

OP, I can understand your feeling hurt, but if spaces are limited it could be that the couple are in an impossible position. Also, as others have said, would your partner's ex be there, and if so, would that be an awkward situation?

Can you make the most of having the house to yourself, or arrange to go somewhere nice with a friend for the day? You will be saving money on an outfit and hat, so you could smash out on a spa day or whatever is your idea of a good day out.