Advice on Parenting a Clingy Child

My daughter used to hang onto my leg and scream when I took her to nursery school but apparently she was fine as soon as I was out of sight. This was quite a few years ago and she has grown up to be a very independent successful business woman. They do make you feel rather guilty at the time though!

Maybe worth remembering that the last year or so has been very disruptive and strange for children also. With so much talk of sickness and death it can be very hard for small children to know what is safe. I wonder was she like this prior to lockdown? Maybe she is unable to voice or even recognise fears about her mum getting sick and is worried when she is out of her sight. Just a thought

This happened with my daughter. Eventually, when leaving her one morning I told her : "It's not part of it, you know, you don't have to cry when you go in". She didn't cry any more after that.

She was a child who always wanted to do things the correct way, and after her first morning and possibly other children crying, she must have thought this was how it should be!

Whoops sorry - wrong thread. Will repost

I went to Summerhill School and as silverlining48 mentioned, I was free to attend classes if I chose. I could also choose to work in the school garden or on the farm, make dens in the woods, potter in the pottery or do a spot of welding in the workshop. By the time I was 16 I could service and drive a car, repair electrical items, plant and grow vegetables, build a bookcase (yes, it sagged a bit) and was a pretty good potter. In all likelihood I would've been able to spend all day on my ipad or phone...if I chose to.
With few academic qualifications I was selected to join the Diplomatic Service where, after 2 years in the FCO in the Private Office of the then Foreign Secretary, I was posted as an attache to the British Embassy in Burma. I have been happily swanning round the world since then.
Not bad for someone who was "unschooled" with fees paid for by the Social Services!!

I remember being physically prized from my mother's arms aged three, to go to ballet lessons. The bony witch who squeezed her nails into and told me not to be stupid haunted my dreams for decades. No help to OP, apologies! Hearts seem a lovely way to go, can't be lost, another child can't find or mock them and it's a quiet reassurance that lasts all day.

Separation anxiety and confusion about a new environment are completely natural for young children.
In a Nursery setting a child may understandably be worried by the noise, amount of other children and adults, different expectations, etc, and feel overwhelmed and tearful.
A good idea is to settle down with your child in a comfy book corner and begin to read a story together. The child's keyworker who should be pre-primed about this, can then come and sit beside the child and tell her that she would love to read the rest of the story as her mummy has to nip out to do some shopping.
You can then slip away with a kiss and a wave and tell her that you will be back soon to hear all about the fun activities she has done.
Be upbeat and positive and confident that trained Nursery staff will be skilled in distraction techniques and will ensure your child is treated with sensitivity and kindness.
After a few sessions you will probably be pleasantly cheered by how settled and independent your child is becoming.

NotSpaghetti

^She is fine once she goes in^

If this is true, can mum stay a while?

Or maybe it's as someone else said, it's the initial noise that exacerbates the problem and she needs mum to simply get her through the door and to a quieter place?

I'd had to go into hospital far away, twice, for several weeks each time, after our youngest was born. The children were cared for by grandparents.... They seemed fine and settled when I returned home, but when my mother came to visit my usually placid eldest had a melt down and refused to stay at play school. After a chat with the staff, I opted to stay with her for a couple of weeks till my mum went home again. She settled back fine after that. It seemed she thought my mum's return meant that I was going to disappear again. Sometimes it is worth considering the reason for the distress might be in certain circumstances rather than, in some instances, see it as a power struggle...

My granddaughter was still clingy and tearful at nursery at that age but believe it or not we have never had any problems since starting school. Hopefully your granddaughter will be the same.

A comfort box was recommended for my grand daughter at nursery. It held pics of mum dad and baby brother , soft toy she took to bed each night and a little tiny square of felt which every member of the family had kissed! She knew where it was and opened it when feeling upset. It really worked and she settled well. Hope this helps- it affects everybody when a child is unhappy.

They do eventually pass through this stage- trust me, ive gone through the 'start nursery/school' stage with 7 of them! Its made worse, when a parent/grandparent lingers it out.I'm sure lockdown hasn't helped, but she will get used to it, I'm sure.(is this your only/first GC going to school? I.e.first time of experiencing this?) It will all settle, when gets used to the routine.

Definitely bring something of her mom with her. Some children have fears and they do outgrow them. When my 3 year old granddaughter would cry when she was left with me. I would say "looks like you miss your mums snuggles, let's sit and snuggle. Of which I would tell her as I held her tight that I loved her, that I missed her mother too, that I knew her mummy would be back and I just agreed with her feelings. I think she felt validated, loved, and was able to get a grip on her own. I would offer what we were going to do when she was ready. It all worked. Today, she can't wait to get away. So I say, don't deny, reinforce her feeling is a valid one and offer the truth, and options to do other things than cry.

Making as little fuss as possible works if she's fine when she goes in just drop and leave

As a former Early Years teacher, I would like to say that this is quite normal, if she is fine once she goes in. I often used to phone parents after about half an hour to reassure them that their child was fine. And I experienced it myself with DS and then with DGD. I'm sure that you're right that the lockdown hasn't helped.

If she is fine once she goes in then why is it so hard to admit that children ARE manipulative? Of course they are, it is a survival technique. They make sure they get all they need, the person they want to be with and the situation they want to happen
It isn't cruel to suggest she might be manipulative, she is clever!
Possibly it is Mum showing the anxiety, dreading the tears, fearful of the embarrassment and afraid she might be judged for her child's behaviour. All this is well spotted and felt by her child. They are born to be sensitive, it keeps them safe and helps them to thrive
Don't be upset by admitting she might be manipulative, be happy she is bright and clever if not a little devious. It's worth a try on her part, you have to admit!

My dgd started nursery last September aged three and a half. She'd been with a wonderful childminder since she was a year old and has really struggled to adjust. In the beginning she cried every time she was dropped off, but settled after they'd gone. We all feel its routine she likes because if greeted by her own keyworker she goes in much happier than if its someone she's not sure of. Also it different children do different days which can unsettle her. Her Mum who is a teacher herself thinks school will suit her bettrr having the same teacher every day, same teacher, same classroom and same children, so she knows what to expect. I love the idea of the hearts drawn on the hands and if there are issues when she starts school will suggest it.

Different children, different people, worth trying gently to have an open conversation or 2 or 3 to provide a space for her to say if there is anything, in particular, bothering her, but it may just be the way she is, I know my first at age 5 was not ready for school and the separation, but by statutory school age he was. Second child did none of them trying to separate from her, that I had done with my first, waited for util she was ready and would you believe that she was more than ready at 5, in fact, she'd have been ok earlier, but there is such a lot they can get out of being one child with mum and doing all the fun things you can't do when at school.
Both went on school trips, holidays with friends, then to university, then travelled the world.
I often found that if there had been a problem at school, the summer break seemed to help them grow up and chill out and by school return time the problem had disappeared.

I think the simple truth is that school doesn’t suit all children. There could be a million reasons why a child reacts in this way; attachment issues, separation anxiety, additional needs of some kind, or simply a sensitive child who doesn’t feel comfortable in large, noisy environments. My older two children loved school, my youngest hated it from the start and was eventually statemented for school phobia (and yes they deliberately put that label on it rather than school refusal). We followed all the usual advice, leave him quickly, he’ll be fine when you’ve gone (we later found out he wasn’t fine at all but eventually gave up protesting). He stopped attending school after year 7.

I’m not saying this to alarm the OP but rather to put the other side of the picture, some children need a different approach and if high levels of distress (such as vomiting in the way to school as mentioned by bobbydog24) continue despite all efforts, then specialist help is needed at an early stage. I regret that we persevered for too long and caused our child immense distress in the process. I would hope also that help is more available than when my son was small. I’m happy to say that he is 31 now and happy and thriving, but that’s another story in itself!

Bluebelle that’s interesting. At 5 I couldn’t wait to start school, and on the first day, ran ahead of my poor mother, eager to start and meeting the other children.

My granddaughter age 11 has always had separation anxiety. We think it’s sorted then it returns. The lockdowns have really affected her and returning to school after spending so much time at home has really set her back. We have tears and physically vomiting on the way to school. Pastoral unit at her school is brilliant but this attachment to her mum needs to be addressed otherwise she will take it into her teens, which is a minefield of emotions in itself.

When my girls were small and I had to leave them, I used to tell them to put both hands forward and I used to put a kiss in each hand and tell them to tuck the kisses in their pockets. Then if they felt sad they could reach into their pockets and get the kisses out. I did it with my granddaughter too when she was a tot. It always worked. They all laugh about it now!

Although I wasn't unhappy at school and never cried as far as I know, I did find the number of children in my class huge and the playtime really noisy. I know I'd have preferred to be at home given the choice. For some time I benefitted from having a parent wave to me in the playground at lunchtime. I think I just needed to know they were "there" for me. Apparently after a while I forgot to look and slowly they stopped coming to wave.

I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't given up their day like this - maybe I'd still have been fine - but it did make me feel loved and the transition to school was ultimately fine.

I know your little one is OK once there, as I was - so it really is the transition that's hard. I hope you find a solution soon.


My parents were undoubtedly the best of patents. I realise as an adult, just how very loving and giving they were. SO lucky.

To think that I walked to school by myself, so no chance for clinging at the door!

I truly hope this is a phase and passes as it can be a strain. Our 8year old granddaughter has been like this since she was around 5 months old. Even now, every day she tells her mum she hates school and wants to be home schooled, yet the minute she's in the door she's as happy as Larry all day. I know as I work in her school. She loves coming out with us for the day or holidays, but with her mum she's a moaning minnie. I'm not being nasty, that's just the way she is and we all know this Her sister who has been broght up in the eact same way is completely different.

My children ran into Nursery and 'Big School' - they just couldn't wait to go.... Wonder what that says about me?!

A bit of a flippant comment as I had done prep with them: in the months before they were due to begin, several times a week we would walk past the school at playtime. We would watch the children playing and I would point out the happiest children. I am sure that this contributed to their lack of anxiety when their turn came to being left.

This is a little late for the original poster but may help with future children.

However when my eldest grandson started at nursery, I was the one crying at the door!

I peeked through the window a few minutes later and he was still alive and very happy.

Sometimes (not always) the child crying is what it thinks is the correct to thing to do. Minutes later, they are happily ensconced with an activity but Mummy or Grandma will be at home berating themselves for being so cruel!