Reasonable expectations for a grandparent taking grandchild/ren?

Toadinthehole neither would I, but in this circumstance the child has been spending many hours in a smoky atmosphere and the parents have a sticky time ahead dealing with unreasonable demands, and in those circumstances a little leaway is required, and 30 minutes is such a big reduction from what is happening now.

welbeck what Stoppard said was her own opinion, but in my view it was crackers!

M0nica

Toadinthehole neither would I, but in this circumstance the child has been spending many hours in a smoky atmosphere and the parents have a sticky time ahead dealing with unreasonable demands, and in those circumstances a little leaway is required, and 30 minutes is such a big reduction from what is happening now.

Yes, I get what you’re saying. You need to start somewhere. Just not with the smoking.
It’s so hard for these young mums with difficult MIL’s. My situation was similar, and we too, ended up estranging. Long story.
Wildflower, there is a thread running at the moment about competitiveness between grandparents. This might help you in your ‘ research’. It gives a good idea of how different we all are. You may find your MIL in there somewhere!!

lemongrove

welbeck what Stoppard said was her own opinion, but in my view it was crackers!

What did she say? I can’t find her?

Ignore me, I’ve found what you mean?

Aren’t the experts still saying that? I’m out of touch, don’t know anyone who smokes, and never really have had issues with it.

Definitely some good info to be aware of with cigarette smoke. I was aware of 3rd hand smoke, but not of all the risks or even how long it stays in surfaces or even on breath! My MIL would air out her apartment at times before we brought the GC over but I'm reading that that doesn't really do much. Maybe I can share some resources with her. To her credit, I do believe she genuinely cares about the GC and would likely (hopefully) care about health risks.

@Toadinthehole
That was helpful thank you. It's insightful to see what grandparents can struggle with and understand what may be behind certain things.

I’m a mil and a mum. I wouldn’t put that pressure on anyone. It’s your child your decision.

DS bought a flat from an invetrate smoker. It was really cheap and his budget was limited. We had to strip all the carpets and soft furnishings out. We had to replace all the light fittings where there had been a chemical reaction between the plastic and chemicals in the smoke.Tthe smoke had seaped into the wall plaster and paint. The flat was saturated with smoke.

We completely redecorated and refitted the kitchen, but every year had to redecorate the flat because the chemicals in the smoke stained walls, even after 5 years were leaching through and discolouring the repainted walls and the hall always had a whiff of nicotine.

What I am saying is that a bath, fresh clothes and opening the windows will not dissipate the chemicals in the cigarette pickled flat. Ideally a young child should never be there for more than a few mintes at a time.

@M0nica That sounds terrible! I had no idea. Thank you that definitely sheds some light on things.

I had a friend who, over the years, kept trying to give up smoking. We sponsored her one time, and she raised a lot of money for charity - but soon returned to her old ways. Smelt like an ashtray,

Then her eldest daughter became pregnant, and told her Mother, in no uncertain terms that they would not be visiting with the baby whilst she continued to smoke. Yes, they understood that she would no do so whilst they and baby were there, but they did not want their baby to be visiting the home of smokers.

Worked like a charm. That baby is five years old now, and his G.ma has never moked a single cigarette since she was told that.

I would never permit any small child to go into the home of a smoker.

I wouldn't even get into the smoking because it just gives her something to grab onto besides the main issue, which is that- all around- correcting her lack of understanding that you're the parents and you make the rules for your child and family, not her.

I would first decide exactly how you want things to go and if you can't work it out firmly with your husband, consider a short round of counseling sessions. They really are great for this sort of thing.

Then have your husband tell her that you both appreciate her interest but you want - whatever it is you exactly want- (your child to stay with you at all times, her to only have the child alone once a month for a couple of hours or whatever).

He should tell her the two of you have been letting it go so as to not hurt her feelings but have actually never been comfortable with it. This is best done by phone so he can then promptly excuse himself and hang up.

If she has anything else to say about it, and she well might- just keep repeating, Well, you know we ARE the parents, so." Or "I don't want to discuss it anymore." Or "That's our call."

A fair number of mothers-in-law just don't want to give up being the mother. But they are not in that role anymore and their behavior is inappropriate and troublesome. But that's HER issue to deal with. It doesn't have to be yours anymore.

Imo this should be dealt with as soon as possible. Otherwise you'll have this issue as long as MIL lives. The longer it goes on, as you see already, the harder it is to stop.

Finally, I would definitely have your husband do it. We learned the hard way through the years that the best way to contain mess as much as possible is to deal in direct lines of communication only whenever there's an issue. Meaning, he deals with his family, you deal with your family, and don't allow others to join in.

Also, the two of you need to make your decisions together and do NOT share with outsiders which of you pushed for anything. That also contains mess as much as possible. Good luck!

You’ve created a shared custody agreement with someone who is not a parent.
It needs to stop. No more alone time for grandma. And no more visits in her home. Disgusting. I desperately wish my parents had kept me away from all the smokers in our family. I hated it and was constantly ill as a result.

When the time ever comes that your daughter asks to stay with granny then consider it but while it is your decision stick with refusing making any excuse you like . I would never demand anything of my grandchildren re visits .

OutsideDave When I was a child I had long spells in bed with bronchitis everywinter, occasionally enlivened with a touch of pneumonia. I was known to have a weak chest. After I married and left home my weak chest became a thing of the past. In all those years no one ever made the connection with my father chain smoking roll ups.

Sounds to me like your DH needs some big boys knickers when dealing with his mum and if he doesn’t stand up to her soon things will only get worse. There might be more major issues in the future. Both of you need to sit down and talk things through with each other a, get on the same page then discuss with MiL. Your baby, your rules. Definitely wouldn’t want my child to be looked after by someone who smokes.

Oh my goodness...keep your child away from her. How dare she smoke around a child. She is being demanding and should not be given into She is your husbands mother.. tell him to tell her. It should not be left to you.

What irriates the crap out of me is Grandparents who try and make the rules and try to undermine the parents. I am a Grandmother to 3 girls and soon to be 1 boy [due yesterday!)
I always respect the parents wishes and rules and I would expect my own children to let me know if I did something they didnt like. I am not the parent, I am the Grandparent.
You cannot tell parents how to bring up their own children - even if you do not agree with their rules. Obviously if a child is being harmed in any way, thats a different matter.
The rules that my children make for their children, are carried over to my house - such as bedtimes, mealtimes etc.. what they can and cant do.
I know 'what happens at Grandma's, stays at Grandma's' but for me, I will follow the rules set out for my Grandchildren.

She's your baby not hers so just say no, these precious early years you have together will pass all too quickly & she'll be off to school before you know it.

Wildflower I am so glad you have found the confidence you need to deal with this situation. It is so difficult for new parents. There is so much good advice here. Show this post to your husband. The smoking is definitely a no no, but if the child is not happy then listen to the child. These early years are so critical in their development.

I'm not surprised you feel uneasy. You're little girl is not something to be owned and people have no "right" to have time with her.
If she's unhappy going off with granny or if you have any concerns at all about her safety (not just smoking - the whole range of issues relating to keeping a tiny one safe) or even if it just worries you for reasons you can't pin down say no. Talk to your husband but be firm in telling him that things have to change - your daughter isn't a doll for your MIL to play with.

Is sounds to me as if your MIL needs to get a life for herself. Always love seeing our GC but also love it when they go home again . (We are very fortunate that all our family are local.) I can't imagine wanting to have either set of GC stay over every week!

As others have said, you are the parents and your MIL abides by your rules. Did she let her own MIL take over when she had her kids?

Make a stand. Good luck, I know being assertive isn't easy.

No way should you allow your daughter in to an environment with smoking, either she gives up or no visits. My mum gave up smoking as soon as my first child was born because she felt it was healthy for both. I hope her son also sees how damaging this could be. Best of luck x

LisaP wish I'd read your post before I posted my own. You are spot on!

It sounds like your mother in law is very controlling and you need to take back control which I know is very difficult because I had one too
Your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother on this, which is probably also going to be difficult if she has controlled him most of his life but your child is the most important person in this and she’s yours not hers.
Sorry if I sound stupid but what does SAHM mean