Friend talks about money

Some people I know are terrible money snobs. The man talks to certain of us (generally people who don't have much) about the vast sums he sold his business for and how much he's paid as a business consultant. His wife likes to be seen in their mega expensive sports coupe and she just laughed scathingly when she heard that a friend's new car was a SEAT, not even a BMW.... She is also a bully.

However, I tolerate them because such behaviour is a true indicator of low self esteem. Why he suffers from it is a mystery but she was bullied as a youngster and people often develop an attitude of 'I'll get you before you get me' when they've been a victim of bullying.

People who put others down, do it to make themselves feel bigger.

People who go on and on about anything can be a bit dull, but I'm sure we all do the same at one time or another

I find money an interesting subject....masses of it and counting out the pennies, it is all just money. I love splurging and I love a bargain. Having enough is a good feeling, having too little is worrying

Lack of cash can make someone feel very insecure so talking about having enough to manage and buy things may be her way of telling you about how she is feeling

If you are a good/perceptive friend you will read between the lines and see what is really going on
Ask her how it feels to have income security, to find a bargain or to spend on things she loves. Could be some interesting answers

I’m like you, TwinLolly, in that I prefer to keep financial matters private. I, too, have a younger friend who is very canny with money and always buys the most expensive version of what ever it is she is buying, so she must do quite well. (She joined a very expensive dating agency and eventually married someone at 50 who wanted her to stop work). Everything always costs ‘an absolute fortune’ or ‘an arm and a leg’. She’s never specific about costs, but will point you in the direction of the company she purchased something from. I was with her once when she paid well over £200.00 for a pillow. I know she bought a least one more after that! Each to his own, I guess, but it does get a bit tedious hearing it all the time and I do feel that she’s rubbing my nose in it a bit.

I knew someone like that once. She was a nice woman but I started to dread her tales of expenditure, wealth, and extravagance every time we met. One day I asked "Do you always talk so openly to other people about your finances etc." She said "Well, yes. Doesn't everyone?" I suggested it might be better to keep such things to herself as some people could see it as boasting, or feel envious or resentful of her good fortune which could even make her vulnerable to crime. She still continued to talk about things she'd bought but didn't mention prices or investments etc.

I have a friend who sounds exactly the same as yours. My friend has only recently been in a position where she has disposable income and just doesn’t seem to realise that it’s crass to talk about how much money she has. She frequently posts on Facebook when she has been shopping, gone on holiday and I never acknowledge them. I don’t have any advice on how to deal with it and I just listen and say ‘how nice’ when I get the chance!!

If you change the subject often enough, she'll get the message. I'm guessing that her family were hard up when she was growing up, so her financial success is now very important to her. It's a pity you find it annoying. Perhaps she has nothing else to chat about.

I had a friend who kept talking about money, then she started asking me to lend her £5000 and really putting the pressure on. It was our entire savings so there was no way. I started to avoid her then we moved and I did not rely to her texts and ended our friendship.

TBH I am a nosy person so would find it quite interesting! It doesn't sound like she's grilling you for your financial details so maybe you just need to grin and bear it, she is probably insecure and doesn't know what else to talk about.

I have a SIL who years ago, used to phone me at least 3 times a week, and the conversation always reverted to her and her and her husband's money situation, which I might add was "how well off they were". I used to hold the phone and sit and occasionally make a sound, but when she was in full flow there was no stopping her (usually the same script every time !).......this went on for quite a while and I honestly can't remember when or how it stopped, perhaps she realised I wasn't interested at all. As a matter of interest we hardly ever speak on the phone these days......perhaps she finally got my silent message. It was purely a "look at me with all my money" ego trip for her.

It's something that started in the 1980s, I have noticed when money and making money was king !
Maybe she doesn't feel valued unless she can show that she is well off and it was something that has been impressed on her by her parents from a young age? They may have told her at some point that she will be nothing or get nowhere unless she has plenty to live on or maybe she comes from a background where there was a lack of money and feels she needs to talk about what she has, to wipe out some difficult memories?
All you can do is tell her that you never talk about your income as you feel that it's a private thing and you don't feel comfortable the way that everything seems to be ruled by money these days. Hopefully, she will get the hint and if not, just let her ramble on- that's just the way she is.

My eldest son who is successful is a bit like this but once we pointed out to him that his brothers and ourselves loved him anyway and we were proud of how he’s has done he’s tamed it down a bit. Still rocks up in posh new cars but after we’ve seen them and said nice’ he’s just our son again and talks normal .

I've got a friend (she's 40, so more like my eldest son's age) who is the same - everything is money-driven with her. Her holidays, husband's salary, car, her child's designer clothes, etc. I don't know why she's like it, as her parents are like me, live in a smallish house, have had ordinary jobs, and don't brag.

I can only think there must be some underlying insecurities somewhere. The best you could do would be to pity this woman, change the subject when she's talking (distraction techniques) or stop being friends with her.

Someone I knew used to turn off the ignition and coast down hills in order to save petrol. We always feared that he would accidentally engage the steering lock. He would also drive many miles to find the cheapest petrol.

I think my friend trumps all the above ?
She takes a teabag with her and asks for a cup of hot water ?
This is a woman who owns 3 properties. The one she lives in was inherited.

My OH was like that when I met him. I found it very strange. After a while I gently said ‘you know I don’t really care how much things are. I like you for you’. He looked amazed and said it was all his ex wife was interested in. I realised it was his ‘learned behaviour’. He thought that’s what other people found interesting. He soon stopped once I told him. Be gentle. But do say. If it doesn’t change then I’m afraid it’s a put up or shut up situation.

Tea3, I have a friend like that. I have been friends with her since primary school and love her dearly but, oh, she is tight with money. She had a good job and has a pension equivalent to mine.
I just accept it when she itemizes bills in restaurants to ensure she is only paying for what she had, but when she has more than me decides to halve the bill. She wears the same clothes year in, year out, except for a couple of new cheapest tee-shirts each year. She has been in her current house 25 years and has never decorated it, changed the carpets or bought anything new for it. Every penny is pondered over. However, I know her childhood was difficult and contributes to her poverty mentality.
The one time it got to me, though, was when a waiter poured us each a glass of wine. She picked up the two glasses, decided there was more in mine than hers, and swapped them.

I’ve a ‘friend’ who makes saving a bob or two her life’s mission. It’s unattractive. An example: she asks for a coffee when I’m paying, tea when she can’t avoid buying the drinks herself. She is comfortably off and bristles with oneupmanship as she climbs out of a new car at our agreed meeting place. Sadly it’s wasted on me: on the car front ‘it works’ does me. Once, pre-Covid, I’d thrown my change on the tray at the till (too much to deal with at that moment as I wrestled with bag, coat etc). I left the money on the tray as I settled into my seat opposite this ‘friend’. I realised she was really distracted by the few coins, all but twitching!

You must find this very annoying. But what is worse is when people ask you how much you earn and how much you spend on something like my sister constantly does. Then she gets annoyed if she thinks I can afford something that she can’t.

Tell her that you've come up on the Premium Bonds, that'll shut her up

Is there something you havent mentioned that makes you stay friends with her?

Otherwise think about the positive and negative aspects you bring to each others relationship and judge whether you are 'encouraging' her behaviour, without even realising.
Could be you are just not good for one another!

It might be a stage of life thing too. When you're young and not yet well established, money can seem extremely important since it's tied in to worries about succeeding in your career and building wealth and just feeling like you are capable of reaching a good level in life.

So her constant references to money could be anxiety about all that, reassuring herself or wanting validation that she is doing well, she is being wise enough and etc. to make it in life.

I've found it pretty common with younger adults but if they're still doing it into their forties or fifties then I'd find it a bit strange.

People tend to do the same with other phases of life, like when they start having children. I recall every aspect being quite fascinating, whether about diapers or feeding or child developmental milestones but now it makes my eyes glaze over.

Maybe you and this friend are just not in places in life that meet up that well right now.

You get people like this. They must tell you how much everything cost no matter what it is. Just let it go in one ear and out of the other and say " that's nice " as Mrs Brown would say
Even changing the subject often gives them another opportunity to include money, poor souls, though I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face knowing what was coming next.
That's how much I take them seriously.

Have you tried to find other topics of conversation that you could both enjoy talking about?

Perhaps you could ask her what other interests she has and mention that you are happy she has all these things and that they obviously make her happy, but that you really prefer not to talk about money, so you would like to find some other things to talk about.

I know money talk seems to bother some people but it has never bothered me. Some talk about it when referring to a bargain they have got or to brag or just state the cost of something. We are all different, the cost of things is a talking point to some.

Does she spend a lot or little on these items? If she doesn't spend very much she's probably quite pleased to tell you about her bargains.